we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "YOUR LATEX VAGINA ORDER HAS BEEN DISPATCHED" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Gordon Ramsey through microscope * TOON - Amazing Horse * GIF - Every 'Under Construction' pic ever ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Ramsey, Horses, Teapots and Cameron >> Powers of Ramsey << "Here's something silly I made for the bbc comedy website," beams Mutated Monty. He's taken a powerful microscope to examine Gordon Ramsey at every visual level. http://cyriak.co.uk/blog/ >> Amazing Horse << "It's all about women's rights," claims Weebl of his latest equine fable. BTW: We should have linked this weeks ago but it sat in a pile of maybes - turns out it's Jonti's biggest hit in ages and has also inspired its own domain (GetOnMyHorse.com) AND an interview with top-geeky-community-that-isn't-Digg, Reddit. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Amazing+Horse/ http://snipurl.com/weeblreddit >> Blowing into teapots "Hey guys," spouts Yan Fortin. "A few weeks back, we organised a contest asking our readers to blow into full teapots.. as strange as it may sound, the response and results were quite spectacular." Pleasing and strange. http://snipurl.com/potblowing >> You control David Cameron << All the power of the Shadow Prime Minister lies at your command, with this great click-and-speak toy by leanmeanfightingmachine. Featuring "Gordon Brown is a second-rate cunt" and many more. http://www.speechbreaker.co.uk ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Celebrity Insults Pt II Five years ago, we asked if you'd ever been rude to a celebrity, or had been on the receiving end of a Z-List tantrum. You've been busy with the insults in the meantime: http://b3ta.com/questions/celebrities/ * TREK - "Aged 13 I was sat in an outdoor hot tub in Banff when I looked across to see none other than curly hair transporter scamp and poor man's Scotty, Colm Meany. I was literally just about to ask if he was who I thought he was, and he knew it, as soon as I opened my mouth speak he gave me a look of utter disgust and snapped "Yes, I'm an actor for fuck's sake," in a ridiculous thespian voice. Only for one of the adults in the hot tub to produce the fastest and most cutting response I have ever heard: "Standing in the background on Star Trek does not make you an actor, you obnoxious cunt." (evilamnesiac) * TRAMP - "I've had a few pub encounters with Camden's crack-tacular knob head Amy Winehouse in the years I've lived in North London. And I can say without doubt the best way to turn our dearest Amy into a raging, spitting, seething mass of ridiculous hair, shit tattoos and a verbal assault that'd make a nun's hair turn white in a millisecond is to do the following: Wait until she's shitfaced (usually round the Good Mixer at about 11pm; any night of the week). Allow her time to stagger out - silently count to ten in your head - and follow. I guarantee she'll be having a little sit down rest on the pavement. Leisurely walk past her and casually toss a couple of coins into her lap whilst discussing London's homeless problem with your mates. I've learnt some new, interesting and downright flamboyant swear words this way." (SpankyHanky) * TRASH - There's only a certain amount of times you can shout, "Oi, Kate Nash! Show us yer gash!" before she'll turn around and tell you to fuck off... It's four times." (wanderlust) >> This Week's Question << Tell us what incredibly popular things hold no glamour or joy for you and just leave you cold: http://b3ta.com/questions/coldfish/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Every under construction GIF ever << Old, bearded men of the internet (like us) will remember when websites greeted visitors with the message "hello, welcome to my home page", had title background graphics and were almost permanently under construction. Witness this fantastic archive. BTW: We briefly considered writing an under construction song and looping these images in a video but couldn't actually be arsed. http://www.textfiles.com/underconstruction/ >> Stop making that duck face! << One day we're going to open a blogspot account called "young people being stupid" and shake our head with confusion at the weird trends we can no longer hope to explain or understand. http://antiduckface.com/ >> Fame makes people miserable << "I know this by studying the covers of Abba's 8 studio albums in order", writes Scottcrawford on twitter. We also wonder if Benny on the Voulez Vous album could be photoshopped into Star Wars Kid? He's already holding a light staff. http://is.gd/4koDD >> Sausage Arrangements << We reckon Joel Veitch should renew his vows with his lovely wife - so he can throw this as a bouquet - imagine the lucky girl that catches his sausages. http://snipurl.com/wurstblumen >> Rihanna and Jay-Z are in league with the Devil << Conkers-bonkers website that we'd be half-inclined to think is parody were it not so bloody detailed. Linked story goes to a reading of the recent hit Umbrella-ella-ella and how it's all about Satan. Other articles we rolled our eyes at included "The Occult Roots of The Wizard of Oz" and "Beyonce’s Sweet Dreams – Occult Mind Control." http://vigilantcitizen.com/ >> Google wave backlash? << The hype for Google Wave has been astounding - everyone begging for invites on Twitter etc. Currently we're pretty underwhelmed as we don't have enough contacts on it for it to work properly. A friend comments, "My gut feeling is that it's like using an oil rig to dig a hole to house a small shrub in." Anyway - here's someone else's critique: http://easiertounderstandthanwave.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Mummy, there's people in my laptop >> "I've Discovered Something Amazing!" << Fresh-faced expert demonstrates his latest incredible discovery. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Scary Gummi Bear << Chemistry experiment demonstrates, to our satisfaction, that each confectionary bear contains the distilled evil of Satan himself. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> 2 Girls 2 Cups (worksafe) << Two lovely ladies sing and beat rhythm with plastic cups and clapping. Countdown to charming idea being nicked by admen commencing now... http://www.b3ta.com/links/2_Girls_2_Cups_quite_saf... >> Nintendo Jazz << Play your favourite console games as they were meant to be played - with a live jazz accompaniment. Really does add something. Something good? Well, maybe. http://www.synthgear.com/2009/music/nintendo-jazz/ >> Star Wars Uncut << Star Wars fans recreate the movie in individual 15 second segments that will then be stitched back together. We were initially sceptical, thinking the results would be shit but this trailer makes it look amazing! Probably be fun to watch at the cinema, surrounded by over-excited fans. http://entertainment.todaysbigthing.com/2009/10/05 >> Neo Geo collector dance << This man is a hero. Scantily-clad nerd triumphantly dances to Pet Shop Boys while displaying all his Neo Geo cartridges. And, memorably, his arse. Ok, perhaps 'hero' is not the appropriate word. http://bit.ly/43kV35 >> Computer Camp Love << Teen summer love song with full 80s geek trimmings. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Computer_Camp_Love_by_Da... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Fucks shit up * WANDA COLON - Shopping channel TV presenter or Dumbledore's cure for bum-grapes? http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1132019/ * EMMA ROIDS - "We thought it was a joke at first," writes wanbo. https://www.aianalysts.com/index.php * CRUDELY-DRAWN SQUID - Unappetising stickers from a current McDonalds Happy Meal range. http://snipurl.com/morelikecephallicopod * SAD NEWS ON LEE WANK-HOO - turns out his real name is the far less amusing Lee Wan-koo, according to b3tard racetraitor. "There are more than enough better names out there," he continues. "I once knew a Korean doctor whose given name was Young Suck. Another common name in Korea (and more-so in China) is Longwang. They even named a typhoon after it:" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Typhoon_Longwang ------------------------------------------------- : ASK B3TA Ask us anything - just anything Ben writes - "Gents, I was looking for that feature from a while back where a bloke had pictures of birds, then you clicked on them and it showed you their fanny. You had to guess what it was going to be like I think. I can't find it." Dear Ben. Fucked if we know - maybe our readers can help? Love b3ta xx. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CAN A MAN LIVE ON SALAD ALONE? - krang writes, "After a particularly raucous night out, I found I only had £1 left. Not enough for a kebab to fill my sloshy tummy, so I stopped at a 24-hour-store and bought...a whole lettuce. I figured it was like a kebab, only minus the meat and pitta. I managed to devour pretty much the whole thing, but as I was getting towards the end I realised I was basically eating water. I was quite ill the next day, and not just hungover." * RADIO FAIL SAYS THANKS - King Harvest writes, "Just wanted to say how chuffed I am to see the link to the radio fail website in this week's mailout - feels like a bit of a victory for a relative b3ta newbie! THANK YOU! King Harvest. Friday evening. Feeling as chuffed as old pants." And here's their link again because we want to cyber-bum them: http://radiofail.tk/ * BRITISH ENGLISH PEDANTS! - Linbox complains, "I know you're running a 'If America was still British' challenge this week, but it's no bloody excuse for slipping into American; 'Joel Veitch vs. Lamb' 'B3ta vs. Eoin Colfer' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!. It's 'v' on its own, none of this American 'vs' claptrap. 'Pressdram v Arkell', 'Liverpool v Chelsea'." * BACON SOCKS? - mr_antihero writes, "Ashi Dashi has steak and intestine socks (scroll to the bottom) - perhaps they could be petitioned to do bacon. Bonus points for the pic wearing the steak socks and standing on a plate next to a bottle of A1 sauce." http://www.sockdreams.com/_shop/pages/socks_detail... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Miami Shark You play a shark - the aim of the game is to dive deep, then rise to the surface to smash boats, kill people and snatch helicopters out of the sky with your massive, razor-sharp jaws. It's amazing how perfectly the shark has evolved to fill this particularly specialised ecological niche. http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/513760 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * "CAN YOU WASH YOUR CLOTHES IN THE DISHWASHER?", asks thespiritofrussellcrowe, "Which works better, laundry powder or dishwashing powder?" Actually this reminds us of being students and doing the washing up with some Herbal Essence. * CORPORATE HATE NAMES - we were thinking about the names people use for institutions to signal their personal antipathy to their valuees. eg. Micro$oft, The Torygraph, The Daily Fail and The Scum. Do you know any others? * BREATH TESTING KIT - "A litmus paper that will scientifically tell you if your breath really smells or your mouth just tastes funny." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via mrmonkfish, Rhodri Marsden, @scottcrawford, kyoung57, busy phil, chaiwallah, Mikael, tomalexwright JugglerJAF, Lee, gronkpan. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. subjlols via Al Fox. ------------------------------------------------- We were going to do the "What is small, brown and very relieved? Stephen Gately's gerbil." joke but what with all the shit going down with the vile, nasty and homophobic article from Jan Moir at The Daily Mail we've pulled it. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive