we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THE SECOND MOST-SEARCHED WORD ON GOOGLE - PRON" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * INTERVIEW - B3ta talks to Eoin Colfer * SONG - Celebrating the 80s * VEITCH - Sings about lamb instead of pork ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Lamb, Eoin, 80s & MJ Hibbett >> Joel Veitch vs. Lamb << Veitch's songs are a mixed bag - some are shite and sometimes he's capable of being dreadfully amusing. This is in the later camp - and reminds a little (if your memory stretches that far) of Giovanni & Sebastian's 'Fucking Dwarf' track. http://www.rathergood.com/agamemnon >> B3ta vs. Eoin Colfer << Irish author Eoin Colfer is best-known to younger readers for his Artemis Fowl series of novels but his latest project is more controversial: writing a new Hitchhiker's novel. So we thought we'd get the B3tans to ask him lots of questions, giving you a chance to make your feelings known. It's a stunning interview actually - quite how he put up with it without walking out is a mystery. http://www.b3ta.com/interview/eoincolfer/ >> Celebrating the 80s << "Hello", writes Ricardo Autobahn, "I was taking all my old VHS cassettes to the tip, but thought I'd give them a good send-off first by making this pop track celebrating The Old Days. That's the paper-thin concept, which doesn't really work 100% because 'cos it's full of '30 Rock' clips and stuff." BTW: We've just googled Ricardo Autobahn and he's previously made records with Ian Huntley lookalike Daz Sampson. But we won't hold that against him because this is bloody brilliant. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> My Boss Was In An Indie Band Once << MJ Hibbett has written a great song about how his employer used to play in a band and now brings the power of punk to his presentations - then pulls a neat little turnaround which actually moved us. BTW: MJ's band now lives 150 miles apart and he directed the video by writing them a list of things to film and email back to him. http://www.mjhibbett.net/myboss/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Crap neighbours Last week we asked you about your neighbours to find out what kind of person would dare set up a home near any of you lot. You poor, poor people. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/neighbours/ * ALBERT THE KNOB - My area's full of oldies with nothing better to do than complain. Next door to me is an old Scottish twat and his wife. He constantly complains about anything, even though my wife and I are out all day and give him no reason. Anyhow, I built a nice big brick shed at the end of my garden, and felt the rough, unpainted side facing him needed something to finish it off. So I put this on the apex. My wife suggested I pained it pink, but I want it to slowly dawn on him... (KipperFillets) http://bit.ly/shednob * ROCKY - When I was 15 years old, my parents decided that we needed an exchange student. Upon receiving a dossier, my sister and I did what any teenage girls would do: we chose the cutest one. We lived in the most backwards sliver of cow-fingering Northern Michigan. My parents were educated people, but the town was full of yee-haw gelatinous hillbillies in Nascar t-shirts cloaked in a film of crystal meth, comprised of 2 parts human and 98 parts gesticulating faeces. The Swede arrived, as handsome as expected. As conversation flowed, it was revealed that he was seriously wealthy – his mother was an MP and his father a millionaire giant of industry. At the end of his stay, his parents decided to visit. My parents were keen to show that we weren’t inbred cretins, so my mother repainted much of the house, the garden was full of flowers, thicker books received more prominent positions in the bookcase – my parents were ready. We sat down for the first dinner around the table. I spied the fat neighbour boy, Rocky (for that was actually his name), creeping through the front garden. I saw The Swede’s parents lift eyes and follow this root vegetable of a human being... Then Rocky pulled down his trousers and shat in our front garden, like a dog. (TheSnark) * MURDER - My dad used to burn rubbish in a big metal barrel in the garden, and I'd stand to one side and breathe in the heady fumes of whatever he was burning, watching the dancing flames, mesmerised - probably a little turned on. Then one time on a dark November morning a blue and white panda car came screaming up the drive with the big blue light flashing. The police officer got out and ran over to us. He looked into the burning barrel, panting heavily. "What are you burning?" he asked my dad. My dad poked around a bit with his stick. "Errr... I'm burning some of my daughter's old toys, officer," he said. The police officer left looking perplexed. "We had reports you were burning something illegal." It took my dad until after Christmas to find out why the copper had come tearing up the drive like Starsky and Hutch. The next door neighbour had alerted the authorities when she saw my dad putting a baby in a burning barrel with some small demonic kid (me) clapping his hands in glee and looking on. It was one of my sister's old and knackered dolls. (Pastabator) * ENTER THE BLUE-RINSE DRAGONS - Long but well worth a read is spimf's two-parter about a hideous pair of harpies who deserved everything they got. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/neighbours/post53137... http://www.b3ta.com/questions/neighbours/post53273... >> This Week's Question: Celebrities << Back by popular demand - Have you ever annoyed a celebrity, or been on the receiving end of the wrath of some Z-Lister? Spill all. http://b3ta.com/questions/celebrities/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Radio fail << Great collection of radio bloopers - we particularly enjoyed the abortive interview with Kylie where she describes the DJ as a retard. Frankly, reminded of our own interview with Eoin Colfer this week - he's Kylie and we're the retards. http://www.radiofail.tk/ >> All the shit and weird stuff off Etsy << Etsy - to those not in the know - is like an eBay for handmade crafty projects. People generally think it's the most wonderful site on the planet - it is - but some of the stuff sold there is a bit crap. Look, see: http://www.regretsy.com >> Take A Weird Break blog << UK magazine Take A Break might be aimed at chavy mums but it's actually quite surreal and funny - as evidenced by this great collection of clippings. http://takeaweirdbreak.blogspot.com/ >> The most awesome guy on Earth << Looks like Hoxton has a new style icon: http://snurl.com/thatsyourboyfriendthatis >> Dollar Defacing << A collection of creatively vandalised dollar-bills. He draws on them, photographs them and then uses them. Much like us with our underwear. http://snurl.com/funnymoney >> Sponsored rant << Bloke gets offered money to write a blog entry - he tries his best but the client just isn't buying it. Amusing to anyone who's every worked at the grubbier end of the web market. http://bit.ly/11yTTx ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO We're into this new great site called YouTube >> Lady 'Arm Exerciser' << Girlfriend's arm muscles too weak to give you a proper hand job? This specialised bit of exercise kit is almost too good to be true. BTW, we have exceptionally toned lower arms, like Popeye. http://snurl.com/iwantmuscles >> Fiji Meat Man << Apparently an actual TV commercial from Fiji, this is basically 'Sixteen Tons' but added fun with sausages and dead pigs. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> World's loudest alarm clock << Having trouble waking up? You will after using this. Talk-through guide to modding your alarm clock so as to permanently render you deaf. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> How to: Smack My Bitch Up << Dead-on deconstruction of the Prodigy hit, using pens, paper, scissors and other people's records. Amazingly simple. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_smack_my_bitch_up >> Poignant singing children << Disabled Thai schoolkids sing Que Sera Sera. Tear-jerkingly cute but simultaneously a teeny, tiny bit disquieting. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Making stairs more interesting << Wouldn't it be nice to somehow trick fatties into taking more exercise? That's what we assume is the thought behind this rather lovely exercise in changing people's behaviour through fun. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Making_stairs_more_inter... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Like jokes used to be in the 70s >> Passport vagina << Close examination of the UK passport shows the word QUIM clearly printed above the crest. FYI: When Charles is King the word will be altered to COCK. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Ukpassport-cover... >> Bath Spa happy finish? << Untoward imagery on the website of Bath's swanky Thermae spa seems to imply a mucky range of additional personal services. "I was booking a birthday massage for my lovely lady," claims informant cidercomic. Hmm. http://snurl.com/cockwanking >> Lee Wank-hoo << South Chungcheong's governor is wildly successful at getting his name in the top Google search results for rude words. http://snurl.com/winningthecompo >> 'History For Kids' << "I was looking for a junior version of wikipedia," explains teacher misterlegs. "Imagine my surprise/delight/horror when I came across this:" http://www.historyforkids.org/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Reborn as Porn Challenge Last week we wanted to know dirty up classic media, while keeping it SFW. Your favourites included: * UNDERAGE - Las Vegas crime caper transformed into a kiddy-fiddlin' classic (thefwf) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9722886 * HOLE - x-rated, shock-site take on Dan Aykroyd's ghost-busting comedy vehicle. Just add arse (Q4nobody.co.uk) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9721114 * APE - cinema's favourite primate returns as a monocled, lascivious bounder (but the hedgehog...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9720628 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rebornasporn/ >> New challenge: British America << Since Great Britain and the US separated in 1776, the Americans have very much gone their own way, inventing both canned cheese and obesity. But what if America were still British? Show us, using Photoshop devilry. Challenge suggested by Mushroom http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britishamerica/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SHAVING WITH VEET - Adding to the wealth of cautionary tales as to why you shouldn't try to dissolve your body hair, Shifty confesses, "My ex-girlfriend insisted that the long hairs growing from round my nipples were removed prior to a holiday in the sun. Didn't have a razor to hand so she immac'd them for me (as it was known at the time). "Stung like buggery and ensured I was sleepless until I had to drive us and her parents to Gatwick the next day. Waking up going 120mph is no fun." * TOP TORRENTS - Singapore-dwelling Baron Greenback writes, "Years ago in the newsletter there was a torrent suggestion section. That was great - local TV sucks so my entertainment depends on torrents. Any chance you could revive the feature?" OK, as a special one-off here's a quick list of the TV we're bothering watching at the moment. It's pretty mainstream stuff so don't expect any amazing secret finds: * Cougar Town - lady telly to keep the wife happy but there's enough gags in it to amuse the men. * Curb Your Enthusiasm - Just started on Seinfeld reunion plot and it's so good that we'd gladly go gay for Larry even though he's very bald. * Entourage - current season hasn't really grabbed us but we'll probably stick with it. * Peepshow - worth it for Mark shouting, "Obey my command ORAC!" * Mad Men - like a very slow and nicely filmed soap opera. * Dollhouse - patchy Joss Whedon product, it's no Buffy but we're fanboys so we're giving it a chance. We're also downloading the new episodes of Dexter, Californication and Heroes but we haven't actually watched any of them yet. Heroes will probably be crap, as it has been for ages. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * CAN A MAN LIVE ON SALAD ALONE? Over lunch we noticed that our 100g bag of leaves was 15 calories. *Does maths* Hence a salad only diet would require over 16 kilos of salad per day. Is it even possible to eat this much? * BACON SOCKS - fredthedeadhead writes, "I really, really want socks that look like bacon. Can b3ta make this possible for me please?" * IPHONE HOLIDAY PAL - Divstivs writes, "I really want an iPhone app for when you go on holiday to a city you don't know. You mark up a google map or something with the places you think are interesting and it makes your phone bleep when you happen to wander near one, tracking your position via GPS. Saves loads of retracing your steps, because you didn't know two cool places were really close to each other." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by coolchick365ca, djlumpyrulesok, Collatallie Sisters, schondie, joe.aule, cidercomic, mrmajorisin85, @mattround, @mothdust, jesus.christ, benvenuto, slippery doctore AND @elsie_em. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Sickipedia subjlols via sick_dave. Alistair Coleman is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Impress your friends (and make some of them hate you) by changing your email signature to "Sent from my iPhone" ------------------------------------------------- I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive