we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "INTERNET DATING: THE ODDS ARE GOOD BUT THE GOODS ARE ODD." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CYRIAK - on Alan Titchmarsh * TOP TIP - Does semen show under UV light? * NEW SECTION - "Shit internet Dragons' Den" ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Lots of stuff, too much even >> Peace Day dove << "I recently attended Peace Day celebrations in Kabul, Afghanistan," explains Miss R U Owen. "There was lots of family-friendly fun and flag-waving. Unfortunately at the big climax - the launch of the peace doves - the excitement proved too much for one of the little birdies and it popped its clogs." Providing a surprisingly apt metaphor. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> B3ta interviews Cyanide & Happiness << Ginger Fuhrer Rob and the b3tard posse tracked down and interviewed Dave McElfatrick of hit web comic Cyanide & Happiness. Check out the ungodly results here: http://www.b3ta.com/interview/cyanideandhappiness/ >> Poo in your pants << "Mutated Monty is the fun version of Chris Cunningham, isn't he?" suggests Monkeon. And indeed he is. Here's his latest effort, starring Alan Titchmarsh. http://www.b3ta.com/links/poo_pants:2 >> Framerater - IMDb Top 250 tracker << Sheer brilliance from PointlessCamel - Sign up and tick off any films that you've seen from IMDb's Top 250. It'll rate and recommend the rest for you, settling your question of what to watch this evening for the next five years. http://www.framerater.co.uk/ >> Rathergood VS nuts << "Hi mate in case it's in time for your newslettery consideration", writes Joel, "I've just whacked up a new thing - an educational funk number about how things you think are nuts are actually not nuts." http://www.rathergood.com/nuts >> Make Hypocrisy History << "Charities are shit and waste your money," opines Tavi. "So why not give it to me - and I'll waste it. What do you care?" http://makehypocrisyhistory.org/ ------------------------------------------------- : SHIT INTERNET DRAGONS DEN Red-hot new feature that will make us rich >> Pre-soiled underwear << Yeah yeah, we're aware it's big in Japan but flipping heck. These guys "makes pre-stained clothing that free people from the embarrassment of having soiled clothing by selling clothes that come already soiled". Mostly pre-skidmarked pants. http://easytigercorp.co.uk/ Do you have a crappy-sounding idea to make millions from the internet? Please send it in so we can simultaneously mock you and yet feed you the oxygen of publicity. For we are dragons, guarding our clicky gold. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Childish Things Last week we asked for the most childish thing you've done as adult. As always you didn't disappoint us and filled the interweb with tales of bottoms, poo and a brown dressing gown: http://b3ta.com/questions/childishthings/ * PARP - "The Mrs and I were having some sexy-time in the bath together. She was on top and we were kissing when I gleefully let out a massive fart that bubbled up... but it didn't break the surface straight away. It rolled up her belly, tickling all the way between her boobs and broke the surface right under her chin. Best. Fart. Ever. But bathtime was over..." (TheFinch) * POOP - "At the age of 25 I took the conscious decision to poop my pants. Not immediately upon my 25th birthday, that would be wrong. I just happened to be 25. I had needed the toilet for about an hour but was stuck on the window sill with my fingers trapped in a sash window, the result of a failed break-in to my house after forgetting my keys. My cries for help went unheeded and I shat myself." (nightbuffalo) * WARP - "Walking up to automatic doors and waving my hand in front of me Jedi-like just before they open never fails to amuse. Myself, mostly." (Davros' Granddad) >> This Week's Question << Tales of the IT helpdesk. Try turning it off and on again, and, if that doesn't work, tell us all about it here: http://b3ta.com/questions/helpdesk/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> The 'Special' Last Supper << Here's a lovely recreation of Leonardo Da Vinci's Last Supper but the apostles and Jesus have Down's Syndrome. Is it a piss-take or a serious point - who cares? Well worth your prurient clicking. http://www.jamesmaybe.com/blog/2009/09/one-chromos... >> Schizophrenia comic << Insightful and sensitive comic strip explaining what it's like to be mental. Good read. http://tallguywrites.livejournal.com/133179.html >> HTML tags ABC << One sentence, contained within every single HTML tag in alphabetical order A-Z. View Source for details. http://evan-roth.com/all-tags.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Little tigers Apparently the result of a 30-year selective breeding programme, check out these amazing cats with the markings of tigers. Actually, perhaps it would have been simpler to selectively breed tigers to become tiny like cats. Somebody try this please. Also, we would like some mini-dolphins to frolic in our goldfish bowl. http://www.toygers.org/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Now sponsored by RealPlayer >> Carl Sagan & Stephen Hawking sing! << Arguably the best-ever use of Autotune, a delightful song about the wonders of universe. Hooray! http://snurl.com/geekylove >> Baby dancing to Beyonce << Very much doing the rounds at the moment. Content as title. Perhaps the best thing ever. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baby_dancing_to_Beyonce >> School children Changes << The little kids of Lewes New School tackle David Bowie's early-70s hit. Brilliant stuff - very cute! Also not shit, which is a definite plus. http://bit.ly/1HQVFj >> Advanced DOS strategies << Friendly 1980s couple explain how to harness the power of your brand new Disk Operating System. Oh for those good old days - were we really so easy to please? http://snurl.com/dosisace >> Wrong hole << Singy song and swish video about a common mishap during doggy-style sex. Pretty definite that this is NSFW. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wrong_hole >> Txt Island << Clever short animation made using only letters and numbers on a pegboard. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Txt_Island ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Inappropriate Product Placement Challenge After it was ruled that commercial channels in the UK could use product placement, we wanted examples of just how bad this could get. Your favourites included: * WHAT'S IN THE EGG, DERREN? - Britain's favourite mentalist predicts something far harder than the lottery (enceladus) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9700686 * SPECSAVERS, TATOOTINE - there was no Jedi mind trick after all (mediocre) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9697777 * IN SPACE, NO-ONE CAN HEAR YOU CREME - the real reason John Hurt couldn't eat his dinner (DaveBr) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9698361 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/productplacement/ >> New challenge: Modernise the Bible << The Bible is out of touch with today's youth. Bring it up to date so we can answer moral dilemmas such as "Is it OK to murder someone in a video game?" and "Would you steal a movie?" http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/modernbible/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * THE DANGERS OF DOING B3TA PROJECTS - "Remember me?", writes [name removed], "You featured my "Masturbation database" back in the day (issue 98). Thanks for that but you used my full name and now if you Google me one of the top searches is '[name removed] loves wanking' Very funny, I agree but I've just graduated uni and am applying to jobs and am a little worried about potential employers seeing. I know you probably don't edit previous news letters but would you make an exception? Pretty please!" Hehe, we've changed the name but we have to share this with our readers as it's too funny. * B3TA EXPURGATED EDITION - "Just read last weeks newsletter in China while traveling for work. You'll be proud to know only one link worked, the rest were banned by their internet filters. * MORE HIDDEN SWEARS - Olembe writes, "Geekier Mac version! If you're running Linux on your computer, or if you have a Mac, you'll have a single big file on there somewhere called 'words', which has a whole dictionary in it, one word per line. And you'll be able to search this file in an instant with the 'grep' command. On a Mac, open the Terminal app (which lives in the Applications>Utilities folder) and type these magic words: grep --color=auto cunt /usr/share/dict/words "The result? 'plaCUNTitis' and 'plaCUNToma' - two medical conditions you probably don't want. Of course, you can replace the swear word for any other when you've had enough of the cunty lols" ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * CAN YOU KILL SOMEONE WITH 2P - when we travelled up the Eiffel Tower as a child our dad claimed that we shouldn't drop any coins as it would kill anyone in its path. Can someone test this? * LADIES USE IMMAC AND MEN USE RAZORS - why not try immacing your beard? Go on. BTW: Wikipeda tells us that this product is now called Veet. Wonder if they had branding problems with people confusing Immac with iMac? * FILTER AND DRINK YOUR OWN WEE - would a piss filled Brita Filter do the trick? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The Resident Loon, optocouic, Gia Milinovich, @danoliver, aMac, Mr Yellow, mozza, Mrs.Sp@m, matthew coy, the_log_knows and @Ants124. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via amck. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Banknote fun Step One: Using your preferred method, collect some human spunk. Step Two: Using a small paint-brush, write the message of your choice, or a simple design on a banknote. Step Three: After waiting for the 'invisible ink' to dry, put the note back into circulation. Step Four: Some poor bugger presents the note somewhere where a UV light is used and the message is revealed. This method could also be used by the more mischievous of you to adorn your friends' clothes before heading for a nightclub that uses UV light. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post521263 BTW: If someone wants to test that spunk glows under UV then please be our guest. ------------------------------------------------- An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. We didn't invite the Welshman because he's a cunt. (viperuk) http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive