we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WHY IS THERE A MAN IN THE BOTTOM CORNER OF MY TV PLAYING CHARADES?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Man vs GPS * DATING - What not to say online * WET OWLS - Well, just one ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > GPS Problems << Sheep manfully struggles on through the vicissitudes of modern gadgetry. His snazzy mobile phone is giving him gyp. http://www.b3ta.com/links/GPS >> Then and Now - photos of my town << "Here are some 'rephotographs' of Lodz, Poland I've taken recently," beams disconnected. "Just roll your mouse over the old pictures (taken between 1850-1970 not by me) to see the current state." Fascinating stuff. http://refotografie.blogspot.com/ >> Boogie maths << Public-spirited Cyriak has made what he describes as "an educational cartoon for kids which explains mathematics through the medium of dance." Don't try this at home. http://www.b3ta.com/links/boogie_maths ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Helicopter Parents Last week we asked for your stories of helicopter parenting. There's some insanely cosseted kiddies in this lot, starting with a jaw-dropping tale from Monkey the Chicken whose twist you really won't see coming: http://b3ta.com/questions/helicopterparents/ * PARENTING AUCTION - "Induction day at my son's primary school. Parents listen to the class teacher explain a few things about what they will be doing, sign certain forms, learn what we need to send them to school with etc etc. The whole meeting is going well until the teacher asks "Any other questions?" caused a bidding war: Mum1, "What do we do about medicine?", Mum2 "Yes my girl has to take 5 different vitamins a day and will only take them from me." Mum3: "What if they injure themselves?", but is cut off by Mum1: "My son can only eat if you sing to him." Mum2: "Mine is allergic to milk or anything that looks like it." Then, Mum4: "Ah I didn’t like to mention it here but I have to cut my son's dinner up for him and he still breastfeeds so I will need to arrange to come in twice a day." ... ... Me: "Jesus Christ" Turns out that the breastfeeding had to stop when the kid started biting. She still goes to school at set intervals each day to cut up his dinner and to bottlefeed him with breastmilk though. He's 8 in October." (mon bison) * KAMLESH, SUPERSTUD - "In the Student Union talking the usual utter girl-related shit. I'm explaining how its possible for a girl to have an inny and an outy nipple, one of each, and that the girl I copped off with the previous night was sporting this weird chestacular manifestation. One of my housemates, Kamlesh, pipes up: "Bollocks! No woman's got an inny and an outy! I'm a fucking superstud and I know that's not fucking possible!" We gazed at him. It was a drink-stopping moment. Time almost stood still. Kamlesh was about eight stone, built like a stringy streak of piss, and had the worst mullet and prebubescent 'tash combination you'd ever see in your life. He looked like an emaciated Asian hillbilly. "You're a superstud?" asked one of my other housemates incredulously. "Yeah!" said Kamlesh. And then he did it. Then it came. The line. The sweet line. And Kamlesh's university life would never be the same again. It was like throwing raw meat to a pack of rabid lions. "I am a fuckin' superstud... my mum says so!!!" (SpankyHanky) * POTTER MOUTH -"So, I was in town, shopping. This being Cambridge, there were a fair number of delightful little Ruperts and Tarquins fopping about elegantly with their doting middle-class parents yapping at their heels. I happened to be following a Mother and her rather bored looking son. The mother was going through a long list of the things they had to do that day, ".. and we've got to get you some new school shoes, and then you need some new pens, and then we're going to tea at...". She also seemed to be doing the 'lick-a-tissue-and-thrust-it-in-the-face -of-your-offspring' thing. In the midst of this whirlwind of fussiness, the little trooper of a kid turns to her, raises his hand to her face resignedly, and sighs, "Expelliarmus, Mummy." Solid gold." (Serotonicity) >> This Week's Question << What's the most childish thing you've done as an adult? As if writing a weekly newsletter full of poo and wee jokes qualifies us to ask: http://b3ta.com/questions/childishthings/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Internet dating: what to say << Fascinating look into what does and doesn't get a good response from folk you're trying to chat up on t'internet. Although netspeak is the sperm of the devil, people like 'lol' and 'haha'. 'Hehe' is less popular. "Scientifically, this is because it’s a little evil sounding." http://snurl.com/datefunlols >> H from Steps, dead << First Jacko and now this! Why are the good always taken from us so young? http://www.unionversity.com/ >> Freaky face-mashing app << Extraordinary misuse of humankind's ingenuity - upload a pic and this site will create a fully-animated version of your face. Then you can muck about with funny moustachios. http://labs.mppark.jp/hige/ >> How many people are in space? << If you've ever been kept awake by that question, then this site will lull you back to a soothing, restful sleep. http://www.howmanypeopleareinspacerightnow.com/ >> Add Kanye to your site << At your command, professional silly-arse K. West can make an appearance on a website of your choosing. Click this quick before the meme's completely flogged to death! http://kanyelicio.us/http://b3ta.com/ >> Awesome Music-Sequencer! << Online DIY musical composer thing that resembles a Tenorion. Even the vestigial fingers of newsletter troll Dave were able to produce a listenable result with pleasingly little effort. http://www.inudge.net/index.en.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Wet Owl Poor, woebegone Mr Wol had to be fished out of a swimming pool. Look at his sad little face! http://snurl.com/wetandflappy ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO It'll never catch on you know >> Farmyard noises boy << Uncannily accurate animal impressions from an enigmatic youngster. He's undeniably got talent, of a sort. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Birds on wire music << Here's a charming conceit; Chap stumbles on a picture of birds perched on electrical wires, makes a little tune using the location of their bodies as notes. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Birds_on_Wire >> 80s dating videos << Brace yourself, ladies. Here's a veritable smorgasbord of pleasingly vintage lonely hearts. Some absolute gems here. Can it be that this is real? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dating_videos_from_the_8... >> The Christian gene << Gay scientists have worked night and day to isolate the gene that causes people to be born Christian. Thank goodness - it's not a lifestyle choice. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Oh please stop it before we kill ourselves * WAYNE KOFF - "I decided to look on the IAVI website to see if I could find Wayne Koff mentioned. Lo and behold, there's a photo of him. I think his image lives up to his name admirably!" (tim.conway) http://www.iavi.org/about-IAVI/smt/Pages/executive... * WHAT DO YOU CALL A PAEDOPHILE WITH A LISP? "Amusing name for a company! Especially an advertising company!" (mysticegg) http://www.pheedo.com/ * FUNNY GUARDIAN CORNER - "Ads targeted to in-page keywords are always fun - especially when a new Fritzl appears and the article about a father raping his child for 30 years shows an ad of a child holding a sign saying 'I love my daddy' ...It is for the NSPCC though. So THAT'S OKAY, okay?" (mattcoxonline) http://files.myopera.com/coxy/files/guardian-fritz... * HITLER CAKES - in what can only be the answer to the conundrum 'what do you call a Jewish baker', Corington has spotted some Adolf Buns in Hornsey. http://snurl.com/nazicupcakes ------------------------------------------------- : HIDDEN SWEARS Last week we asked you to find words like sCUNThorpe, wrisTWATch and cuCUMber. You replied with, bruSHITE, anTIThesis, wHOEver, lamPOOn, reBUTTal, extraVAGance, leaFAGe, mANUScript, enCLITic, retoMINGEnt, unMUFFle, cuTWATer, insPISSate, unreheARSEd, and of course Hilary sWANK. Thanks to thereishopeforus, flatfrog and bigshape. You bunch of mANUScripts. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Video Game Celebrities Challenge Last week we wanted you to put celebrities at the centre of video games Your favourites included: * HUGH - House doctor makes unexpected appearance as Half-Life hero (Redbull_(UK)) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9686679 * JORDAN - pneumatically spectacular "star" features in doomed shoot-em-up sex romp (drbroon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9688122 * RICK - unfortunate Def Leppard drummer cashes in on Rock Band craze with unique edition (The Hedgehog From Hell) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9686241 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/productplacement/ >> New: Inappropriate TV Product Placement << It was announced this week that product placement will be allowed on commercial television in the UK. What product would you put on what programme to get massive LOLs? Challenge suggested by The Twisted Omentum. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/productplacement/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * KEITH FLOYD OBIT - your Ginger Fuhrer did the titles on the recent C4 doco and then half convinced himself that he personally killed Keith via the shock of some slightly piss-takey gfx. Still, it's a fantastic show if you ignore Rob's bits: http://www.channel4.com/programmes/keith-meets-kei... * CYRIAK IN THE DAILY MAIL - last week Cyriak made a video debunking Derren Brown's lottery trickery, we missed linking to it as we thought all the fuss had died down by last Friday. But no, it rumbles on and Cyriak went on to get his face all over The Daily Mail. We're sure his mum is very proud. http://snurl.com/hisrealnameisdarrenyouknow * B3TAN PUNKS ONLINE POLL - Legless started a little idea that did the rounds, encouraging people to vote for Casey, a young cancer sufferer to win an online competition by knickers manufacturer Victoria's Secret. Looks like she's won. Huzzah for that! http://www.b3ta.com/links/362461 http://www.bodybyvictoria.com/#/Gallery/Page/1/Popularity * HOMAGE IN FROMAGE - previously we've brought you Hitler in cheese, and now here's someone else just as loved in Germany - thanks Lesley Sloss. http://snurl.com/briewatch ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Philip_newzealand, waz4444, @jearle, Linkin_Parker, mattcoxonline, fantomex and waz4444. Top Tippery by Quiver. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia jokes CTRL C+V via nitrokausion, hotshot1992. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Spitting on the toilet paper before wiping your bottom helps immeasurably. ------------------------------------------------- My favourite sexual position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive