we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "NO + ROHYPNOL = YES" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * JOKES - Real world testing * NERDS - Weebl's 8-bit japes * MUSIC - Terribad 2001 ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Drums, Games, Death and Fat >> Fat man can-can << "Hi dude," gruffs Joel Veitch. "We've turned the swearing fat man of internet legend into a joyful can can." Why? Because he can. http://www.rathergood.com/fat_man >> Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... << Tom Scott and Fishcat rigourously test the truth to the old gag about throwing percussion instruments from a great height. Win! http://snurl.com/drumsyeah >> 8-Bit Pwny Club 2 << Weebl's panel of 8-bit experts give their geeky rundown of computer games' top 5 most unhealthy power-ups. http://www.b3ta.com/links/8_Bit_Pwny_CLub_2 >> Morbid quiz fun << That bird sitting very still in the garden - is it alive or a cunningly-fashioned example of the taxidermist's art? Think fast, then have a bash at busy phil's quiz. http://reponere.com/deadoralive.php ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Conspiracy Theory Nutters We asked for your stories about tin-foil helmeted nutters who think we're all controlled by shape-shifting lizards. They're wrong, of course. It's kittens. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/tinfoilhelmet/ * TRAMP GENIUS - Oxford, a hot summer's Day when a scruffy little Irish chappie comes and sits next to me. 'Hullo there - are ye a student?' 'Yes, I am' 'I was a student meself, y'know? Was doing my doctorate and everything, but they got rid of me, the bastards.' 'Why's that?' 'Well... I solved physics, and y'know, well... they didn't like that one bit.' 'You SOLVED physics?' 'Yes. But they got rid of me. Think about it: If someone solves the whole bloody thing - there's no jobs for all the scientists any more, are there?' 'Suppose not.' 'Aye, well... I've come here to try and find a physics student so I can get my ideas to the Faculty. Maybe if there's someone more trustworthy here, I can get it all published. You're not a physics student, I suppose?' 'Afraid not.' 'Ah, never mind... have you got £1 for the bus?' (SnowytheRabbit) * TEH TRUTH (PART ONE) - I've met a bunch of these people, and the one thing they've never been able to fully explain is this: If the world really has for centuries been run by a shadowy cabal of financiers/illuminati/Zionists/lizards, why the hell aren't they better at it? Considering the abject chaos that almost all of the world exists in, almost all of the time, if someone really is lurking in the background and pulling the strings, they're making a spectacularly cock-awful job of it. (Monkey Tennis) * STEPS - I always said that H sang every part of the songs released by Steps. He was a talented boy who could sing the entire range, sometimes sounding like a girl when he did it. But the industry couldn't just let him sing. He'd be a laughing stock. So, they got three girls and another boy to stand around. They called this group "Steps", and it explains why Steps mimed all their concerts. But then, Steps split up. Again, they want to make money, but the company feels that the world can't handle H singing like a girl again, so they got Claire from the old band to stand next to him and mime. Thus, "H and Claire". You may look for holes in this theory. You will find there are none. (Friz) * TEH TRUTH (PART TWO) - This post has been removed by a moderator. (alastairweller) >> This Week's Question << Call Centres: Dreadful pits of hellish torture for both customer and the people who work there. Press 1 to leave an amusing story. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/callcentres/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Zombie family albums << The best way to remember a loved one is with a photo of their manky corpse propped up in a vaguely lifelike pose with the rest of the family. Surely. http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/32946 >> Golly suit << This outfit must be out on hire all the time. The ladies love a cool golliwog. http://snurl.com/goodgollymissmolly >> Paper Dogs << Lots of spare paper? Landlord won't let you keep a pet? Why not construct one of these exquisite 3D models of various doggy flavours? http://snurl.com/hplazerdogs >> People of Walmart << Grotesque gallery of the pond life that lurks within your local hypermarket. http://peopleofwalmart.com/ >> Turing petition << Sexy maths god Alan Turing wound up getting driven to suicide by the government, for being gay. Here's a petition asking for an apology. Go on, sign an online petition now and CHANGE THE FUCKING WORLD! http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/turing/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH "I found a kitten!" Kim writes - "I made the page in a state of panic to seduce a potential adopter. Alas, just days later she seduced me. I'm keeping her and staying in Shanghai. I still get regular emails from unknown interweb users; a kitten is a powerful thing." http://www.olivepixel.com/misc/kitten/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if there was video on the internet... >> Good tunes played badly << 2001: A Space Odyssey theme, as played by a bad school orchestra. Next week we want Chariots of Fire played on kazoo whilst a fat kid runs the 1000m. http://snurl.com/2001yeah >> Pulp Fiction << Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction where they play out the cultural differences between American and France via McDonalds? Imagine it the other way round. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pulp_Fiction:2 >> Hitler's Reaction to the Oasis Split << How many Downfall dubs have there been now? We didn't want to like it but couldn't help laughing. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hitlers_Reaction_to_the_... >> MC Pacman and the Puff Blinky << What the world needs now is love sweet love, but whilst we're waiting for Jesus to dry hump our immortal souls, why not the story of Pacman in rap? Worth it for the 2pac gag alone. http://www.b3ta.com/links/PACMAN:3 >> 100 famous guitar riffs << Enjoyable simply to see how many you can spot, or feel annoyed that your favourite isn't there. Here's hoping next week we can run Patrick Moore with "100 famous 80s keyboard riffs on xylophone." http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Not funny, namey or very cornery * EVERYBODY LOVES MINGE - next time someone asks you to share a photo on twitter why not reply, why not "stick it up my quim"? (thx @jearle) http://myqu.im/ * ANT 'N' DEC TYPOS - coming in as the 3rd most viewed item on the Guardian this week is this misprint that'll probably be the number 1 google search return for their name until they die. (thx richibald) http://snurl.com/bumholesandpeepee * MORE PHALLIC LOGOS - rob clubley writes, "It's a quite posh local eatery in Wellington, New Zealand. I don't know about you but my dirty mind says this logo is rather cock-like. And it's my own photo." http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3549/3882102985_385... * EVEN MORE PHALLIC LOGOS - chris359alpha writes, "Found a rude-looking shop sign today in Bolton, thought you might like it." http://snurl.com/peniswoofun * JAPANESE IPHONE FUN - dmckeeney writes, "How on earth do I explain to somebody in Japan that the name of their marvellous new product is actually a swear word in English." http://www.i-fukkin.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Steampunk Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate Victorian sci-fi. Your favourites included: * SHARK - classic meme tweakage as Stephenson's Rocket morphs into a splendid Verne-esque helicopter (amoebaboy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9665136 * 1901 - it's a question worth asking: why did none of the Apollo astronauts sport spiffy facial hair? (enceladus) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9663485 * LUCAS - Industrial Light & Magic in a 19th Century stylee (1.618...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9662291 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/steampunk/ >> New challenge: Disney Marvel Mashup << This week Disney acquired Marvel Comics for $4 billion. Bargain. But how will Marvel's cast of characters react to this move? Show us, using Photoshop voodoo and trickery. Challenge suggested by HappyToast http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/marveldisney/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GINGER FUHRER LOVES THE SAUSAGE - Rob recently gave up vegetarianism and thought it he'd blog about it, then thought, "I wonder if I can persuade a newspaper to run it instead" and indeed he could, for this dear reader, is the magical power of the modern world. Have an idea. Email someone and see what happens. http://snurl.com/clickyclickyclicky * MORE PISS FUN - gwilym.webb writes, "I see your newsletter response 'DOES HOLDING IN PEE CAUSE PROBLEMS?' and I raise you. A little while ago in the British Medical Journal there was a report about some girls from the Wakefield area who'd put their bladders under such strain (admittedly with the help of booze) that their bladders had burst. Ouch. The Guardian gives a nice account." http://snurl.com/yeahyeahyeaheahea * NOT BIGGING UP THE RIGHT GUYS - cielgee moans, "I'm sure you'll get a few of these emails, but the 'Funny family photos' site you linked was a complete rip-off of the popular blog AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com -- might want to give them props in next week's newsletter and shun this copy-cat site like that one watermelon shunned the other." http://www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Reducing games down to one click Occasionally we lay back and fantasise about being extremely rich - we recently met some guy who reckons a mate of his earned £0.5m via flogging an iPhone game. Now, having an iPhone our main problem with using them as gaming devices is the interface - controlling a little character going left/right/up/down etc via tapping the screen is unsatisfactory, so we reckon the secret is reducing gameplay down to one click. We also reckon these people - if they release an iPhone conversion - are about to become very rich indeed. http://adamatomic.com/canabalt/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * FARE-DODGERS WIKI - Anonymous writes, "Not that I ever try to fare evade, but if I know my exit tube/train station doesn't have barriers then I maybe buy a shorter, cheaper ticket for the journey I am completing. But I only know a handful of stations well enough! Can we start a wiki-type project on a Tube map where people can indicate whether stations have barriers? Potential to expand to National Rail stations?" This reminds us that Camden Road didn't used to have a barrier about 10 years ago and we often didn't bother to pay then, although it ruined our journeys as it gave them a constant "am I getting to get caught this time?" anxiety. * PLAYDOH DINNER - "Get someone to find their old Playdoh pump machine things & use it for various catering. Cake icing? Biscuit dough? Sausage meat?" (via @EddEgg) * BOOZY DRAWINGS - "Draw a picture, take a pint, draw the same picture again, take another pint, draw it again, etc. Post results on the intwerbs." Actually we've seen similar stuff done with LSD, but going through differnent intoxicants might be interesting. (via @hnldesign) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @toastmaster, @DeanBarnett, Kirsty, sequinedsundew, iainhasaface, McBadger, Lightguy, Devon Dan, The G Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Alistair Coleman is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia via the brutal truth. Subjline via bloodrocker. ------------------------------------------------- My girlfriend is a porn star. She's going to be so pissed off when she finds out. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive