we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "TITLE TITLE TITLE TITLE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ANIM - Watermelons! * TWITS - Shit my Dad says * FASHION - Arse-Winkers(TM) ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Watermelons, Tinfoil, Cats and 9 >> They Are Watermelons << "It's about 2 watermelons just hanging about," explains Appox of his latest short animation. Manages to say something about bullying, through the medium of talking fruits. http://www.b3ta.com/links/They_Are_Watermelons_Tra... >> Anthony Travels to the Future << "I met a bloke at the weekend who worked for a tin foil company. He gave us 80m of it," says Paint My Wagon. "I probably use less than 5m of tin foil a year, so I dressed up as someone from the future and jumped out of a bin." Seems the only thing to do, really. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Anthony_Travels_to_the_F... >> Autotuner cats << To be honest, we didn't have high hopes when Joel told us his latest project involved more musical kittens. This strangely-haunting mewed anthem was a pleasant surprise. http://www.rathergood.com/singing_kitties >> 09/09/09 << "On the 9th Sept, the date is 09/09/09," explains numerology-obsessed Phil Cooper. "I'm spending the day recording and releasing 9 songs. I'll start recording at 9am and the album will be released at 9pm. All profits from sales will be given to charities that support the emergency services. I also hope to have a webcam running on the day, so people can check in on the recording process." He has an mp3 up there right now so why not check it out before the rush? http://www.the9album.co.uk ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK DIY Techno-hacks We wanted to know how you'd made stuff better with your own excellent hacks, or whether your invention had turned on humanity and destroyed the world. http://b3ta.com/questions/technohacks/ * WANK ALARM - When I was 11, I was into electronics. My best ever project was to install Maplin type pressure pads around the house under the carpet, and wire them all up to little light bulbs, attach all the bulbs to a wooden board, and label them with their locations. I did all of this when my parents were out, and for years, I could tell where people were in the house - roughly. As I became a teenager, this actually proved fantastically useful as a rudimentary wank alert, and allow me enough time to hide my tadger should anyone head toward my bedroom door. As my old childrens bedroom is now my grown up office, it still performs the exact job it did all those years ago. Only it now warns me of my missus' approach. I'm never going to reveal it to her but I shall pass it on to my son one day. Boys never change do they? (I have run out of coke) * ORAL SEX AID - Back when I started working as a travelling salesman I was living with my first serious girlfriend, a girl from Oldham named Gill. As I was going away for a fortnight and leaving her in our flat alone for the first time I thought I’d buy her something romantic, something to remember me by. So I got her a black mamba four-speed 12” vibrator (complete with realistic bulging veins and purple bell end). Gill opened the package, stared at it for a bit, then put it on her dresser. I went off on my tour of duty, selling insurance policies to gimps, and rang Gill after I’d finished work everyday. On the fourth or fifth day I remembered my spectacular gift of love and dedication (to Gill’s excellent and perfectly formed pudenda), and asked her if she’d got round to giving it a try. Gill, very matter-of-factly replied: “Ooh, yes, Spanky! I use it first thing in the morning and last thing at night! Its completely revolutionised my life!” I paused. I had the horrible feeling I was going to be dumped in favour of a 12” lump of plastic. When I’d finished my sales bollocks I went home. And there, in the bathroom, I found the offensive weapon, all black and glistening on the bathroom sink. Gill had modified it. It stood on its end, all 12” glorious penisy inches stretching into the sky like a pervy version of the Eiffel Tower – and Gill had sellotaped something to it. Wrapped loads and loads of tape round the length to secure something else to its length. Gill had sellotaped her toothbrush onto it. Apparently she’d always wanted an electric toothbrush, one of those vibrating jobbies, but had never got round to buying one. And she told me later that since she’d been using this homemade bodge-job every morning and every night her teeth had never felt so clean, apparently. Gill asked if I wanted to see her use it. "No, not really," I said. (SpankyHanky) * PROPER TECHNO-HACKING - The ZX Spectrum laptop. I Repeat: The ZX Spectrum Laptop http://srimech.blogspot.com/2007/10/zx-spectrum-la... (JimM) >> This Week's Question << We all know of at least one bloke who wears a tinfoil hat and listens to too much TalkSport. Tell us about Conspiracy Theory nutters. http://b3ta.com/questions/tinfoilhelmet/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Shit my dad says << Justin is 28 and lives with his 73-year-old dad. These are some of the awesome things his dad says, via Twitter. http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays >> Webpage 'presenters' << This site lets you add friendly Australian 'presenters' to any site, as a preview of their service. It doesn't filter for content. Point it at redtube.com and enjoy the dialogue... http://www.bellme.com.au/bell-hd/ >> Your data DNA << Fun MITT project datamines the internet for info about you, then draws you a diagrammatic personal profile. Works best if you have a slightly unusual name (or are very famous). http://personas.media.mit.edu/ >> Funny family photos << Oddly-themed or otherwise notable family photoshoots. Preserve forever your child's look of total mortification. Ah, it's heartwarming though, really. As long as it's someone else's family doing it. http://freshpics.blogspot.com/2009/08/funny-family... >> Tape yourself << A gallery of grotesque mugshots. Why not join in, by plastering sellotape over your face until you look like Sloth from the Goonies? http://www.tapeyourself.com/ >> Make your own Keyboard Cat << Spot a major fail but too far away from the web for Keyboard Cat? Play them off with this rather splendid papercraft KC for you to cut out and keep! http://snurl.com/paperlols >> Boycott Scotland << Site with an interesting take on Scotland's recent Lockerbie decision. Remember Freedom fries? http://www.boycottscotland.co.uk/ >> Glum Councillors << Seeking a picture of an unhappy local politician, staring at a hole in the road? This right here is your one-stop shop. Also features councillors looking concerned about drains and wheeliebins. http://glumcouncillors.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine if ceefax was hi-res. Just imagine >> Winkers(TM) << Decorative jeans that make your arse cheeks wink. The poo-brown owl in particular is bloody hypnotic. BTW: Nice to see they aren't bowing to the dreadful trend for size zero models. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> The Otamatone << Brilliantly amusing musical instrument, apparently from Japan. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Otamatone >> Mario: Game Over << Super Mario's winning screen is just the start of his troubles. He's an unemployed plumber addicted to mushrooms and things are not-a going so well-a with the Princess. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Baby-soothing PC << This is what happens when linux geeks make babies. http://bit.ly/cpOkX >> Ultimate Muscle Roller Legend << An intensely gay videogame car chase that's very much doing the rounds this week. Wired explains the weirdness: http://snurl.com/thisismentals >> Pong, Pre-Pong << A 1958 ancestor to the venerable tennis game, whipped up by a government scientist to entertain visitors to his lab. What's impressive is that it looks so good - better graphics than anything for the next 20 years! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Trippy Music Video Wall << Play any or all of these youTube clips at once to create your own crazy cathedral of sound in B-Flat. http://inbflat.net/ >> 8-Bit Lego Trip << Got excited to see old 8-bit classic games rendered in 3D with lego. Very excited. This is such nerd-porn. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Now_thats_an_awful_lot_o... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Only in China... Will Jennings writes, "I was teaching English to Chinese children in Chongqing a few years ago. On a visit into a shopping centre area of the city I came across this delightfully-named beauty parlour." http://www.flickr.com/photos/urbanpenguin/81438891... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Sausages Challenge Last week we wanted SAUSAGES Your favourites included: * TAN - when bangers get back from the beach (Santa Claws) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9654235 * MEAT - Luke turns to Obi Wan when he's in need of sage sabre-sausage sense (gingerfreak) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9649815 * BALLOON - the porcine equivalent of the cocoon/butterfly tale (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9659076 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sausages/ >> New challenge: Steampunk << This week's challenge is to celebrate Steampunk and the age of Victorian sci-fi, where airships and steam power exist alongside 19th century versions of more modern developments. Challenge suggested by monstrinho do biscoito http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/steampunk/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * DOES HOLDING IN PEE CAUSE PROBLEMS? - therealwtf (RN, BSc (Hons)) writes, "It can ultimately cause kidney and bladder problems. When your bladder gets to its fullest capacity and you don't pee, then urine travels back up the ureters and back into the kidneys, engorging them and potentially causing kidney failure. And, all the crap your body has already filtered out into the pee will return to the body, poisoning it. Usually the urge to pee is too strong and you'll just wet yourself but it is possible for the backtracking to happen in younger people with good bladder control. Alternatively, you could just drink less and therefore have the urge to pee less, but that may cause uric acid crystals to form and they cause kidney stones which REALLY FUCKING HURT... So, not peeing potentially can cause kidney stones, kidney failure and systemic poisoning. And... it's possible to overstretch the bladder, causing incontinence. Given the choice, I'd rather get off my fat, lazy arse and go to the toilet! I suppose a bloke could always pee in a bottle?" * PUPPIFY HACK - Leda74 writes, "With regard to MrTrent's heartfelt wish, it's easy to amend the Kittenify link. Opening the bookmark's Properties and replacing the word 'kitten' with 'puppy' is all it takes. Or...you know, you can put any other word in the world there. "Goatse' provided some small amusement for a while." http://www.reload.me.uk/b3ta/kittens/ * SKILLET TIPS - The Fretful Porpentine writes, "I was pleased to see the 'sponsored' link in the newsletter. Welcome to the world of cast iron and black iron pans. Teflon pans are rubbish. They are non stick to start off with and then stick when they get scuffed up with utensils and through cleaning. Cast/black iron pans stick a bit to start off with but just get more and more non stick. The lack of soap in the cleaning is a bit scary to start off with but persevere. It pays off. To start your life long relationship with your pan, clean it thoroughly with plenty of hot water and a scouring pad. Dry thoroughly and coat the inside of the pan with oil or lard. Bung it in a really hot oven for an hour or two. Turn the oven off and let cool. Coat again with a sheen of oil and it's ready for use. You will need to use a bit more oil than you're used to using in a Teflon pan to start off with but as the season develops, food will release effortlessly. To clean, use hot water and a very light scrub to remove anything that has stuck, then oil again and then pop on a fierce flame for a minute or two to "dry" the oil. It might seem like a bit of a faff compared to Teflon, but you will bond with your pan and it will enrich your cooking experience. Avoid highly-flavoured foods - keep separate pans for meat and fish for example as the flavours will linger in the seasoning. Be responsible for the welfare of your pan, someone else may scour it, use detergent or scrape the seasoning off. Let people know it's your pan and the consequences if they damage it." Gosh. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * U AND NON-U.com - are things posh or not? A crowd-sourced version of the Nancy Mitford classic book on class differences built using the kittenwar mechanic. (Thought up because someone lent us a copy of the 1970s book "Class" By Jilly Cooper.) * CULTS BLOG - this week we've been obsessing about weird 60s cults like The Process and wondering what cults are knocking about today. This spilled out into a fantasy of joining as many cults as we could find and writing a blog entry about each one, "a day in the life" stuff. However, we're too busy/lazy to do this so can somoeone else? Cheers. * FUCK OUR LIFE - FML for married people. "We went round someone else's house the other day and then had to sit around for 20 minutes while she dumped her boyfriend via MSN. FOL." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by evil hound, ivor_the_engine, canarynightlife, barryheadwound, @duckorange: @qwghlm, @Wiiloveit, Christian Heilmann, McBadger, sesquipedeviant, PointlessCamel, gronkpan, Martin Parton. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can. So I've killed his mum. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive