we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WE LIKE TO SCARE DEAF PEOPLE BY YAWNING" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MUSIC - Jeremy Clarkson beatbox * INTERVIEW - Kunt speaks * PICS - Obama + unicorns ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're are the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Clarkson, Kunt & 70s Tampons >> Clarkson Beatbox << "I made Clarkson into a musical instrument," brags an exhausted Swede Mason. "Making this nearly drove me mental." If this doesn't make you smile then you are dead in side. Dead! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Clarkson_Beat_Box >> Kunt & the Gang << B3ta's long-awaited interview with the gold-toothed Essex ubermensch is ready to read. He's taken the time to come up with some good retorts to our silly questions. http://www.b3ta.com/interview/kuntandthegang/ >> Period Piece << Something of a coup for betamalespicnic with this recently-discovered roll of film from the shoot of a 1973 commercial for Flovia Tampons. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Period_Piece ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Ready Steady Microwave The latest in our elite stream of games made by b3tans for e4. Monkeon challenges you to guess what kind of ready-meal you're looking at, from a close-up of the actual package contents. Gruesome but fun. http://www.e4.com/game/readymeals/index.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Are you scared of the dark? Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked about darkness and hope you wouldn't make rubbish puns that finished with the line, "I believe in a thing called love." http://www.b3ta.com/questions/darkness/ * MOVING STORY THAT YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT FROM B3TA - "We had only a couple of hours in which to see Dylan at the funeral home before the coffin had to be closed. Everyone who could be there looked at his handsome face for the last time and left in tears. He was so young. "I stayed a long time, ruffling his hair and telling him that I loved him and was not angry with him. His hair was the longest I'd ever seen it - he was growing it, it seems, for the first time. "After a while, I realised that I was still there because I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave him alone there without anyone he loved to hold his hand or whisper that it was all right, I'm here and you're safe. "This was a problem which I needed to solve. So I called Rob the funeral director in and explained, and he understood. "Dylan was never afraid of the dark as a child - well, a little, but he was very brave - so I kissed and hugged him for a last time, then stood by the door and said, goodnight Dyl, I'll see you in the morning, and Rob put out the lights, one by one, just on cue. I couldn't see Dylan any more then and quietly closed the door and tiptoed away, just as when he was a little boy." (Juan Quar) (We feel sad now, gosh.) * TESCO VALUE STAR WARS - "I love driving in the dark when it's snowing. I pretend I am in the Millennium Falcon." (scarpe) * GOOD PRANK - "After spending a lovely boozy night out with my friend Ana we had made it back to her flat in a bit of a silly mood. "Zigzagging up her garden path Ana was at the front door struggling with her keys while I wandered up to the living room window and spied her hubby and his mates all crashed out on the sofas watching a film. "I noticed what they were watching on the TV, it was The Ring. Ahaahahahaaaaa thought I – bloody brilliant! Seeing as I had seen the film already I knew roughly how far they were into it and I realised that in about 5 minutes time the phone would ring on the screen. I rummaged crazily for my mobile whilst filling in Ana on my dastardly plan. "The second the phone appeared on the screen and we could just about hear it ringing through the window I frantically rang Ana’s other half and we prayed that he had his mobile phone near him… he did. We watched with glee as all the guys started giggling nervously and pointed at his phone. He picked it up, pressed the call button and I put on my best spooky voice and whispered ‘In seven days you will die’ I then hung up the phone and me and Ana threw ourselves against the window in unison, scaring the shit out of every guy in the room and making them produce high pitch squeals that would make a 4 year-old girl proud!! "It goes down in history as being the most successful prank I have every played to this day and if mentioned around the boys it always receives the same response – ‘we knew it was you, I wasn’t scared’… sure, sure! Mwah ha haaaa!" (Flim-Flam the Magnificent) >> This Week's Question << This week we'd like to thank John Warburton (look him up on Wikipedia) who suggested "mobile phone disasters." http://www.b3ta.com/questions/mobiles/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> When bitter creatives make websites << Anyone who has a boss should be able to relate to this extraordinarily-detailed and accurate depiction of the crap you have to put up when you submit your work at a digital agency. Would-be bosses: Know when to leave your subordinates' work alone. http://businessguysonbusinesstrips.com/ >> Obama with unicorns << Unicorns are a bit memey on the old internets, shorthand for twee mentalism. They're all the better for accompanying a rather homoerotic President Obama. We wonder how many people have tweeted this to the Prez already? Maybe he's looking at this page right now on his Blackberry? And wanking. http://snipurl.com/obamaunicorns >> Top ten most racist toys << The film Ghost World first alerted us to the intriguing history of racist art. This lead us to brief googling obsession that unearthed such gems as Walt Disney's "Song of the South" reviled for the "impression it gives of an idyllic master-slave relationship". Did you know the first box office smash to earn $10m was the KKK celebration "Birth of a Nation." On a similar tip comes this list of kiddies' toys - bonus points for the Chinese 'chop suey' glasses. Is it racist if they're made in China? http://snipurl.com/racisttoys >> Every bugger's farted << The secret of great websites isn't what you make, it's what you select. Case in point: http://everybuggersfarted.wordpress.com/ >> Hannah Montana's linux distro << Remember Britney Spears' Guide to Semiconductor Physics? The "girlie popstar + geeky thing" joke is back and this time it's very lightly customised Miley Cyrus version of Ubuntu. You might like to try a variation of this joke yourself, say Lindsay Lohan's ZX Spectrum emulator. http://snipurl.com/bestlinuxever >> Best of Wikipedia << We enjoy nothing better than fishing out odd facts on wikipedia to feel really clever, like we could go on QI and win - assuming Stephen Fry let us look up every answer on our phones. Here's some great starting points tho: http://bestofwikipedia.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Imagine youtube died and only left 6 vids >> Cat animation << Simon's Cat is a series of animations drawn by Simon Tofield. We've featured them before, but there's a new one and it's completely wonderful. Simon has a book coming out and, to be honest, we wouldn't be surprised if there won't be a film or a TV series one day. This is a cat with legs. http://www.simonscat.com/flyguy.html >> The Rolling Stones are back! << Oooh. Newish idea for a joke here. Take a pop video and record your own lip-syncing audio. We've seen it done before with people playing out-of-tune guitar solos and grunting, but never entirely new lyrics. Why not have a go yourself? http://www.stsanders.com/ >> This is what an adult kiss is like...? << Proving once and for all why snogging people and rolling your tongues around is freaky and wrong. Actually, play this to some 10 year-olds and put them off kissing for life. http://snipurl.com/yuckysnogs >> Captain Kirk climbing a mountain << One of those "chop up the audio and mix with a beat" video remix thingies. But full of the proverbial win, as Shatner says such extraordinary stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Geek Love Rap << Dale Chase describes himself as a "music lovin' audio engineer, beatmaker, and fledgling coder." Weirdly sincere for a something that's meant to be a joke. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Does your car make too much noise? << Then try kitten mittens. Lovely, simple gag. From a trailer for "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" which we've never bothered watching but just checked out on IMDB and it's got a 9.6 rating so probably should download an episode or two. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Bum-bum poo-poo tee-hee * SCROTUM - "This website logo looks like a scrotum," chortles the RevJB, giving us a clearer mental image of his scrotum than we'd hitherto enjoyed. http://www.watermelonwave.com/ * JOE BASTARDI - Accuweather's European correspondent. Wonder what his ancestors did for a living. http://snipurl.com/bastardi ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Kitten Sports Challenge Last week we wanted you celebrate sporting kittens. Your favourites included: * RELAY - going for Olympic kitty gold, and not a dropped baton in sight (Sheep!) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9606165 * CURLING - Scottish sport gets feline makeover (Lherkin) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9598735 * FLIGHT - classic image improved by the addition of hang-glider (Tribs) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9598720 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kittensports/ >> New challenge: Save Teletext << They are shutting down Teletext in 2010, even though it is amazing and much better than the internet. The challenge? To design new features which could save it. Challenge suggested by Monkeon. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/teletext/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CHRISTOPHER BROOKMYER - Scottish crime writing legend Brookmyer is a fan of "geeky site" b3ta, according to this week's Media Guardian. http://www.b3ta.com/links/346410 * PAPER CUP v NORMAL CUP - Chazz writes, "I don't know about paper versus regular plates but there was a test done on coffee cups some years back which determined that it took as much energy/resources to wash a cup as it did to make 1.4 disposable cups. If you wash your cup every other day, paper costs more." * MUSSOLINI'S TRAINS - Turns out he didn't make them run on time after all. Just another of them there urban myths. http://www.snopes.com/history/govern/trains.asp * AMAZON'S SALVIA - "Why would Amazon NOT sell salvia?" asks FunkYourself. "It's legal to buy, sell and possess. Not to take though - just for collectors. Check out the little stoner-geek R2D2 under related though!" http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001GZRIV... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * LOWEST SCORE CHART - "A gaming site which records scores, but instead the idea is to get the LOWEST score possible yet complete the game." (via @CutmanMike) * LCD PISS TARGETS - "Games for urinals, is it possible to make an electronic display for a urinal that when you wee on it you fill a virtual balloon?" We'd also like to pee on Jamie Oliver's face and have him slurp it up. (via @executiverocker) * ISITCORRECT.COM - "a site that you can make check other 'isit...' sites eg, itiscorrect.com/?site=isitchristmas.com" (via @gshutler) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @thelimopit, Potatan, timgow, Dave Gormarno, @npfiii, @farted, @Swineshead, @geekixRT, @oceanhippie, @DanCall, Rev.JB, @robertpopper, Lord_Munkee, @ElectricSpectre, beckyjsbx, rodney mcplum. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Dumbshit. ------------------------------------------------- I just wanked myself into oblivion. The staff at Alton Towers are fucking furious. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive