we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WAS JACKO MURDERED? AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY DIDNT WE THINK OF IT FIRST?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Lots of knob gifs. Woo-hoo. * QUIZ - Can YOU match the tagline to the film? * CHALLENGE - Yes, thank you B3ta, more kittens ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "If the web is a cow ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.... http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than mould in tea cups >> Lots of cock gifs << "My computer with photoshop has just died completely," writes 2 Can Chunder. "I'm starting a new job in August so I've put all my animations into one video and am now gonna take a break from B3TA for a few weeks." This, THIS is the spirit of B3ta. You will laugh. http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_animations:2 >> Tedious swine flu gag << Tedious aka Tom Scott writes, "It's a cheap joke, but nevertheless I present fluBay - for all your antiviral needs. Since the National Flu Pandemic Service has crashed on day one, I figured this might be a good alternative." http://www.flubay.co.uk >> Bear-faced cheek << CCC returns to his favourite sport - baiting the local paper's small ads with general weirdness. This time he's selling "bits of a bear" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bear_faced_cheek ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Taglinr Can you match the tagline to the film? Your Ginger Fuhrer and Question of the Week bloke, Chthonicionic have made a quiz. http://www.e4.com/game/taglinr/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Banks Last week we lazily turned a ranty email from Rob into a instant question about banks. Judging by the amount of steam let off in reply, we've prevented 14 heart attacks and saved the NHS thousands: http://b3ta.com/questions/banks/ * CASHED - "I worked for a vehicle rental company in a neglected area that meant the owners were fanatical about security and not leaving cash about. My manager was away, but she'd given me a list of explicit instructions for making the bank deposit that afternoon. I'd almost forgotten, but I managed to lock up, grab the cash and deposit bag and race to the bank just in time. I went in, filled out the deposit slip per the instructions on Florence's note, and handed everything to a teller. She seemed a little shaken up, I assumed because of the large amount of cash involved. Anyway, she handed me my bag back, and I noticed right away that it seemed rather full, but not having any idea what to expect I shrugged it off. I did have to ask the teller for my note back: I needed the office safe combination that was on it. I left in a hurry - I was going camping for the weekend with my girl - so I hopped in the work car, zipped around the block, down the alley, parked up and put the bag in the safe. That done, I headed off into the wilds of Idaho for a 4-day weekend. When I got back, Florence was really pissed off! Apparently I had handed the note to the teller along with the deposit slip. The note said, among other things: PUT ALL THE CASH IN THE DEPOSIT BAG! And: THIS IS SERIOUS, DON'T MESS AROUND! As these instructions were the only ones in all caps (with CASH & SERIOUS underlined), the teller had assumed I was robbing the bank. Some $75,000, plus our original deposit, had spent the weekend in our company safe. I had to give a statement to the FBI..." (danalan) * LASHED - "I travel with work and have to submit my bank statements with my expense claims (to show the exchange rate I got). My friends know this, and so have taken to leaving little notes on my account for the finance team who review my claims, by depositing (very small) amounts into my account with inappropriate and offensive payment references. Highlights so far include 20p paid in by one friend, ostensibly for a "Colossal Dildo", 10p for "Bum Fun", and a £1 total deposit split over 10 instalments, which explained in detail that the £1 was a loyalty discount from a local S&M establishment - I believe he referred to it as a "frequent flayer discount" (TheMagicDwarf) * MASHED - "If you get a job as a cashier in a bank don't, on your first day serving customers, wonder what the button under the counter just by your knees does. Or if you do, try and remember what it was your manager told you about it. Don't press it. And don't, when you discover it doesn't seem to do anything, press it again, and again, and again. An armed response team WILL be called, and you WILL get sacked." (mrgibbles) >> This Week's Question << The Dark... Tell us your stories of noises and bumps in the night, power cuts, blindfolds and cinema fumbling: http://b3ta.com/questions/darkness/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like made by people we hate >> Nerdy knitting << An excellent use of the long winter evenings - huge showcase of knitted science fiction and comic characters plus a preposterous amount of cuddly zombies. http://electricbiscuitonline.blogspot.com/search/l... >> Kemp Folds << High-concept blog featuring the face of TV's Ross Kemp folded multiple ways for your appreciation. http://kempfolds.blogspot.com/ >> Jackson at 40 fail << A 1995 Ebony Magazine article predicts what the late King of Pop would look like in the year 2000. They could not be more wrong. http://www.flickr.com/photos/soundman/3727433441/ >> The World Without Us << I can't imagine a world without me, sang Echobelly. But this guy has imagined a world not only without 90s indie kids but also the rest of humanity. Here's a cheery timeline, beginning our sudden mass extinction. http://www.worldwithoutus.com/did_you_know.html >> Porn Fail << Fun for all the family to enjoy when porno shoots go wrong. Not safe for work - it doesn't fail as porn by quite that much. http://www.pornfail.com >> Revenge crabs << Are you involved the acrimonious death of a relationship right now? More importantly, are you some sort of hate-filled misanthropist? If so, you may want to deal with these guys and give your ex an STD. Just bear in mind that the best bit of splitting up is the make-up sex. http://www.revengecrabs.com/ >> Drunk yoga << People practice yoga to enter into a state of ultimate relaxation. Why bother, when simple, wholesome booze has identical results - as illustrated here? http://eatliver.com/i.php >> 'Ultimate' pizza << Disgusting piles of ham, cheese and pineapple on a monstrosity that's a pizza in name only. The mayonnaise is what really turned our stomachs though. http://www.eatliver.com/i.php >> George & Lynn explained << Tabloid comic strips seem to be beamed from an odd parallel universe. Blogger tries to crack the code in the Sun's favourite scantily-clad, wise-cracking 70s couple George & Lynn. http://snurl.com/davestuckthisin >> Twitterclock << Thanks to some rather pretty tech trickery, now you don't have to stop reading tweets even to check whether it's day or night. Just whether you need to change your man-nappy. http://www.timetweets.com/ >> Amazon is selling salvia << Not saliva - salvia, the MINDBENDING PSYCHOACTIVE DRUG. Can this be legal or is it some sort of web-based honeytrap? Will we be thrown in jail for putting a little affiliate linky widget on it? Only one way to find out... http://tinyurl.com/md4tyw ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Because 320 pixels is all the width you need >> Never Gonna Give Your Teen Spirit Up << Evergreen Astley hit mashed up with the Nirvana classic, to surprisingly good results. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rick_Astely_Nirvana_mash... >> Beyonce dances to the Birdy Song << This is what the Independent Woman gets up to on her hols in Torremolinos. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Beyonce_Dances_to_the_Bi... >> Tortoise sex face << We were all ready with the whimsical quips for this clip, but such a prolonged close-up of the squealing mouth of an orgasming tortoise begs the question: is the cameraman having a wank? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tortoise_sex_face ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Dr Peter File Luckily he is not a paediatrician. http://snurl.com/iamnotanonceipromise ------------------------------------------------- : LOOK A LIKES Garth Brooks VS Bruno Funky2009 writes, "Doesn't Garth Brook's failed alter-ego Chris Gaines from ten years ago look uncannily like Sacha Baron-Cohen's Bruno? Google image 'Chris Gaines' and see for yourself." http://images.google.co.uk/images BTW: If you've got more look-a-likes then please tell us. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Movie Mashups Challenge Last week we wanted you to redesign classic film posters to fit another movie. Your favourites included: * BABE - given a classic 1920s Fritz Lang makeover (Bela Lugosi's Dad) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9584927 * TITANIC - You thought it was safe to go back in the water. It wasn't (Mighty Nibus) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9586487 * SNOW WHITE - Seven dwarves, and a grisly head in a box (1.618...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9586200 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moviemashups/ >> New challenge: Kitten Sports << It's time for an old-style b3ta challenge, one summed up perfectly in just two words: Kitten Sports. Challenge suggested by SkUG. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kittensports// ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * WHO WON'T MARRY ME? "Hey guys," greets Nostrebor. "I got a mystery letter in the post. I'd like to know who won't marry me and why? I really am lovely." Anybody recognise the hand-writing and able to solve this romantic conundrum? http://www.b3ta.com/links/344225 * DO FANS COOL THINGS DOWN? - Ben Skerry weighs into the debate; "I'm not sure Wallilay is right when he says that fans only cool by aiding evaporation from the skin. "His example of a server serves (ha!) as a good illustration of why. If there is no movement of air, the server will get hotter, as the transfer of heat to the surroundings will be impaired by the warmth of the air in its immediate vicinity. "Put simply, a fan will make sure that the warm air surrounding the hot item is replaced with cool air, increasing the transfer of heat from the server to the air, cooling the server down." * COMIC SANS THE WEB - "Yo yo," goes funpackedshow. "You asked for a way to view the internet all in comic-sans. I've sort of done that (not very well) in the form of a comic-sans-ifer bookmarklet." Hurrah! A grateful world salutes you! http://noveltybeard.co.cc/comicsans/ * KITTENWAR IN MOVIES - Thanks to emvee for the heads-up that a Transformers 2 viral site is purporting to sell the Kittenwar calendar "though it says it's sold out." Messrs Lewry and Ryan will no doubt be in touch with them to secure more outlets for their quality, kitten-based wares. http://www.realeffingkittencalendars.com/ * HITLER - milov takes issue with a Fuhrer-centred gag from last issue. "Mussolini, not Hitler, was the Fascist dictator credited with getting the trains to run on time. In fact, the trains to the concentration (and work) camps were hit with frequent and prolonged delays." Hurrah! ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * CHEESEALADE - 'Eating tapas I had an epiphany. A new toasty spreadable. Cheesalade. Manchego cheese & Quince mixed in a jar. "It's Spain, in a jar"' (@robmanuel) * STALKR - "Some kind of Twitter search that links celebrities to the locations of people tweeting about them for more efficient stalking." (@Noit) * PLATES VS PAPER - "Is it more cost effective to use real plates or to paper ones? Factors such as: time, washing up liquid, tea towels, breakage." (@greenycrimson) BTW: The offical B3ta wife, Lucy, wants to know if any B3tards can eat more than 7 Ferrero Rocher in 1 minute. She thinks you can, but that's the world record apparently. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Guy Incognito, Choc Ice, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!, mrmonkfish, mranalog2000, Kirsty, The Coast Of Yemen, Posh Girl, Lord Turkey Boy & witless999. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via Ad7. ------------------------------------------------- Ronseal Wood Preserver - does exactly what it says on the tin. No it doesn't. I've now got a flaccid cock that looks like a twig. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive