we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "YOU KNOW IT'S A GOOD POO WHEN YOU COME BACK AND YOUR SCREENSAVER'S ON." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * DAVID ICKE - Yep, we're annoying him again * SPECIAL EFFECTS - Your guide to being ace * HITLER - Now on Twitter ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Kittens, David Icke, FX, Nazis, Telly & Scams >> Kitten Graffiti << "A few years ago a family member received a pretty awful kitten calendar," writes Mster, "I nicked and, over the course of the year, along with my flat mate at the time, drew over it in pen, placing the kittens in various forms of danger and excitement. I finally got round to scanning them in today, so here are a few of them." http://kittigraffiti.blogspot.com/ >> David Icke vs B3ta << Conspiracy theorist David Icke agreed to a B3ta interview and Kirk Rutter (he also did that Winner or Sinner one we ran a few years back) went down to film him. Icke refused to answer any of our silly questions about lizards and used the time to rant on and on about his mentalist theories. Frankly we've heard it all before and decided to dump the interview and move on. However, boarder Happy Toast found a clip of it Kirk had uploaded on YouTube and decided to edit it for his own purposes. It's vastly more entertaining that the real interview, believe you me. Slightly NSFW due to CGI lady dancer's bottom. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Well_he_did_ask_for_it >> How to do special effects << Cyriak has been getting into a froth over YouTubers getting lots of attention for something he considers a simple little trick. First you need to watch an example, then you need to watch his expose of how the trick works. Very simple once you know and we quite fancy having a go ourselves but then couldn't think of anything really great to do with it. Except shoot pens from our cocks into a pretty girl's face. That might work. http://www.b3ta.com/links/wtf_skilz http://snurl.com/cyriakisagenius >> Heil Twhitler<< All Hitler, all of the time, and in response to a request we thought up last week basically to fill space, comes this fantastic toy from Craigae. It's great because not only is it amusingly inappropriate, it's genuinely interesting to read people's tweets about Adolf. Sample quotes: * "That's like Hitler saying 'Ooh, I just meant to go for a little walk, but then I accidentally invaded Poland.'" * "If only Hitler had been Voldemort. Life would've been so full of hot Draco-like Nazi Kids! " Also it lists the people who most mention Hitler, which is a handy little nutter watch. http://twhitler.com/ >> Getting on Television << Tom Scott has been attempting to get on TV, by standing behind people doing mobile broadcasts. He's not done a bad job actually. Although at 12 minutes we feel this clip could benefit from being 4 times shorter. Tom writes, "I may have to make a 60-second ADHD version if the internet feels it's too long though." Go on! http://www.tomscott.com/news/ >> Would you give this lady £10? << Your Ginger Fuhrer has been conducting an impromptu social experiment where instead of telling a stranger asking to borrow a tenner to go away, he gives it and waits around to see if it comes back. It doesn't, of course. http://snurl.com/slightlynsfwveryslightly ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Gyms - don't laugh, really We weren't sure if any of our readers had been in a gym to be honest, but we asked anyway: http://b3ta.com/questions/gyms/ Here's three bodily function stories to keep you amused: * POP - "I’d just done a weight session, had a quick shower, and was laying face down on a gurney stark bollock naked with a towel covering my modesty, waiting to have a warm down massage. This was the normal routine, and it was a proper massage place, not one of those dodgy backstreet places where you get a blowjob from a fifteen year-old Lithuanian). The man who did the massaging was Frank. He oiled me up and started on my shoulders, smoothing out the tension, making me feel relaxed. Frank moved onto my lower back, my body made a series of lovely clunking noises. Frank started on the top of my thighs and, as Frank was busy kneading away, his hands all oily and slippery, I sneezed really violently. My arse shot backwards. And Frank’s thumb lodged firmly up my brown bullet wound like a cork in a bottle. I let out a scream. So did Frank. Frank attempted to remove his thumb from my arsehole but because I was suddenly (and fucking surprisingly) tense, I sort of clamped tight round him. Frank’s thumb was stuck! I howled in agony. Eventually Frank came free and, panting, I rolled onto my front, towel tossed aside. And I realised Frank was gazing in fear at my willy. I looked down. I was harder than set concrete. Frank must’ve tickled my prostate. And all he said was, "You’ll be wanting some tissues for that." I’ve never been to a gym since." (Big Grant) * PLOP - "When I was in my mega fit phase I used to go every day in my two hour lunchtime. The gym was great because it provided all the clothes and stuff to wear so I didn’t need to bring anything with me. I was doing some bench presses and I strained so much that I did a poo. A half solid poo. As I wasn’t wearing my underwear to stop them getting all sweaty, my poo flew straight out of the gap in my shorts and onto the floor. Worse, this was accompanied by a very loud raspberry. People who didn’t have headphones turned to look at me. Some people came over to stare and be disgusted. I honestly thought I had snapped my farting strings. My entire body was incandescently red with embarrassment. Even worse, I couldn’t lift the weights back due to being shit-fit weakened. Trying very hard to get the weight from my neck and onto the hook, it happened again. This was more diarrhoea now, and I had managed to pump my slurry even further. It hit the closest girl watching in the eye. Eventually I pushed my way past the crowd, and ran. As I left, I glanced back to see a good half metre trail of excrement. Some less than stout-hearted people were crying. No one said a word. Left my stuff there. Never went back." (powervator) * SPLATTER - "Many years ago, I caught the flu. Not full fledged man-flu, but it was still pretty bad. In my less than 100% state, I decided it would be a good idea for me to go 'run it off'. So there I am, on the running machine. Running off the flu. Fucking idiot. I'd been jogging for a few minutes when it happens. I puke on the machine and immediately slip in the vomitus. Which causes me to fall flat on my face and get fired off the back of the running machine. So now not only do I have the flu, bruises and a nice covering of flu-bile, but I'm also being pebble-dashed as the treadmill continues to flick the remains at me. And _then_ the gym instructor guy comes running over and says, "Are you alright?" (Lend Me Your Eyes) We also liked VitaminC's GP who, "told me to try and join a gym at my appointment today, 'as I've got a bit of a tummy.' Or, as I would put it, 29 weeks pregnant. He blushed quite beautifully when I pointed this out..." >> This Week's Question << Rob emailed Mike a huge rant about his bank. So he used it as copy for this week's question. Job done. Tell us your banking tales of woe: http://b3ta.com/questions/banks/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Twitter pic voyeur << Real time what images people are posting to Twitter timewaste-o-tron. See how long you can go without spotting a self-photographed penis. Or, should you prefer the ladies, how long before you notice an attractive girl you fancy cyberstalking for a few mins? Both are sure bets. http://pingwire.com/ >> Star Wars vs. crowdsourcing << Interesting idea - crowdsource the filming of 15 seconds of a movie and then stitch it together. Sadly, they've done it in a slightly annoying way so that once all the slots are booked, which they are now, you can't join in. We'd prefer multiple entries per chunk with voting deciding what goes into the final cut, as we suspect many who claim they're entering aren't going to get round to it. Still, extremely curious to see the finished product. http://www.starwarsuncut.com/ >> Huxley Vs. Orwell << A thought-provoking comparison between the two authors in cartoon form; selling the theory that Huxley was a more prescient writer, whose predictions have largely come true. Maybe so - but Orwell was a much better communicator than Huxley. Orwell is the king of fantastic concepts encoded into catchy phrases - these days we call them memes: Newspeak, Big Brother, Room 101, Doublethink etc. Orwell has enriched our language hugely. But hey, debate is good. http://fatpita.net/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Lols cavort for your executive pleasure >> This'll cheer you up << Geeky bloke proves he really can pop some moves on a Dance Dance Revolution machine. Reminds us of Michael Jackson in the Blame It On The Boogie video where he's dancing with the pure, joyful love of expression and hasn't yet got bogged down in technical prowess that (to us) always looked like an autistic robot. http://www.wimp.com/insanegamer/ >> Man gets hit by a train << Say what you like about Hitler but he knew how to get the trains to run on time, although if you were a passenger on the said train you might want to get off before Auschwitz. To be honest we're just filling space here as it's one of those clips that are better off without too much exposition. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_gets_hit_by_a_Train >> Saving Private Remi << French prankster Remi Gaillard's normal schtick includes stuff like pretending to be a footballer and getting Jacques Chirac to greet him like a sporting hero. He's a star, basically, the first thing from France since Monsieur Mangetout (the bloke who ate cars) that's worth screen time. In this clip he stages a single-handed Normandy Beach landing & barely gets noticed. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Saving_Private_Remi_NSFW >> It looks like due to budget cut backs... << ...the BBC now have to use Window Movie Maker to cut their graphics. This is epically crap and the producer should be given a job editing Newsnight. BONG! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8143127.stm >> Dan Antopolski Sandwich Rap << The sandwich concept is a beautiful thing; carbohydrate wrapping over a protein filling preventing your fingers getting mucky. If you think about it, ravioli is like a pasta sandwich and pasties are a pastry sandwich. Them's our thoughts on Britain's finest export - and here's Dan Antopolski's thoughts. They differ only in that he raps them and says completely different stuff. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dan_Antopolski_Sandwich_... >> Eminem meets Dr Who meets Benny Hill << One of those crazy internet mash-up things, as the 35 year-old kids in Hoxton are calling it. Amusing actually, being constructed from such disparate sources, it comes together with a schizophrenic flourish. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Eminem_meets_Dr_Who_meet... >> Ah, Mexican keyboard cat....you fail, Senor. << Poor bloke fails to create new keyboard cat, despite lots of effort. The cat isn't having it. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ah_Mexican_keyboard_cat_... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Kill us now, it would quicker * TIT HOOPS - lord bofingham sends in what he describes as "an unfortunate choice of name for a broadcaster." http://www.norkring.com/ * TESTICLES - hagis_uk writes, "I notice you had the name Bow Locks in your newsletter the other week. My friend is a lock smith and started his company in Bow. What better excuse for a pun? P.S. He's not paying me to send you this or anything." http://www.bow-locks.co.uk * MORE GPS WRITINGS - Weetobix writes, "Inspired by mrkeithmartin in last week's newsletter, I set about upping the ante with my own posh GPS watch. You may have to zoom into the squiggly bit, but the sheer amount of effort that run took, I think it's worth a look." http://snurl.com/zoomonthesquiggles ------------------------------------------------- : THAT PLINTH THING IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE B3tans have very much been getting involved in One or Other. For the benefit of provincials (and colonials), that's an art project where members of the public get to do their thing on the empty plinth in London's beautiful Trafalgar Square. * GODZILLA! "I made a scale model of London, a giant Godzilla suit and then spent an hour on the plinth stomping the model to bits," roars grumio_est_coquos. "I feel a bit of fraud - only did it to stop my girlfriend from nagging me." He is to applauded for the lengths he will go to for peace and quiet. First link is a making of, second is his plinth time - fast forward 10 minutes. http://www.youtube.com/watch http://www.oneandother.co.uk/participants/geraldc * BANNERS! "I am fortunate to have been randomly selected to stand on the plinth, on August 15th," beams Ian. "I was thinking of taking a few banners with my favourite sites listed, including B3ta." Yay! Anyone got any other good suggestions for Ian's brave banner display? ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Hitler Challenge Last week we wanted you to draw Hitler. Your favourites included: * VENN - inspired Hitler-a-like using the hypothetically possible logical relations between a finite collection of sets (finnbar) http://b3ta.com/board/9572818 * PARMESAN - Cheese Hitler! Cheese Hitler! Cheese Hitler! (Usernameless) http://b3ta.com/board/9571708 * SWITCH - Hitler as home furnishing (monkeon) http://b3ta.com/board/9577550 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/drawingsofhitler/ >> New challenge: Movie Mashups << Take any film you wish, and photoshop the scenery, characters or titles into the style of a famous movie poster for a different film: The Dambusters in the style of Ghostbusters, Finding Nemo in the style of Jaws, etc. Challenge suggested by The Great Architect http://b3ta.com/challenge/moviemashups/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * KITTEN WAR FEATURED IN TRANSFORMERS MOVIE - Presumably a runner was sent off to buy some kitten calendars and as luck would have it, they chose our very own Fraser Lewry's kittenwar merchandising. Wonder if he can now stick a badge on his website, "As featured in Transformers?" http://lewry.com/tf/ * TAGCLOUD / HITLER WOE - last week we had a bit of a fuck up setting the image challenge when your Ginger Fuhrer sent a confusing email to Fraser babbling about tag clouds and Fraser stuck it up as the challenge text. Ooops. Mr Bojangles was amused and says, "I made this little vid, inspired by your Hitler/tagclouds malarkey." Frankly, this made us clap like seals but it's possibly of minority interest. http://www.youtube.com/watch * FAN MAIL - Dave Raum writes, "I'm a 57 year old unemployed trucker here in Florida and I just wanted to say, that I have been enjoying your website for many years. Craziest stuff I've ever seen or read ! Love it ! Thanks, Dave." No, thank you Dave, and if any of our readers need a truck driver in Florida, then get in touch and we'll pass it on. * AIR CON vs FANS - gronkpan writes, "I had an argument with the power company about how much my bill was, and I completely lost the argument by saying that I had an air conditioner - They cost about 50 cents (australian) per hour to run, meaning that 24-hour use is about $12/day. A fan is closer to 2 cents per hour. So to answer MadAdamUk's question, you can have 25 fans running around the clock for around the same price as one air conditioner." However, Wallilay points out, "Well, fans don't cool - they only move air around and as they're doing work they generate heat. They only cool you as they aid evaporation from your skin. The number of arguments I've had in server rooms filled with fans placed with good intentions, but little understanding is scary. I end up shouting 'BUT SERVERS DON'T SWEAT!'" ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Janey Thompson's Marathon Continuing our gamekeeper-turned-poacher shenanigans, we've pimped another B3tan to E4 to make a flash game. Matt Round is a fucking genius and we hope he sticks that on his CV. His real-time all 26-mile marathon simulator is a tour-de-force in retro gfx design. Even down to the scanlines. C'mon! That's attention to detail. http://www.e4.com/game/janey-thomson-s-marathon/pl... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * COMIC SANS O TRON - what about a magic website that can make the BBC News website render entirely in comic sans. It'll make the news more cheery. * 999 IPHONE - "We need someone to develop an emergency iPhone app that, with one button press, takes a photo, geotags, uploads and tweets it." (via @jearle) * RADIO CONTROLLED HORSE - "A helmet with a moveable dangling carrot should do the trick." (via @edwardrussia) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @iamnotsteve, @codepo8, the_weaver, edwardrussia, Darklord, Michelle Obama's Stalker, Peter_G, Frunobulax, Jimbotfu, planearm, bogeypie. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia jokes cut and pasted from Aspen, itchyanus & isaacjcksn. Thanks guys. ------------------------------------------------- : AIR CON ON THE CHEAP (top tip) * 1 desk fan * 1 frozen 2 litre bottle of coke * Put bottle on table, place fan behind bottle, turn fan on. Keeps the room cool and you can drink the Coke like a fatty, after it's melted. ------------------------------------------------- Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won! No one's a match for me and my kettle. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive