we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SUBJECT LINE CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF CELEBRITY FATALITIES" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Knut's tribute to Jacko * DAILY MAIL - What should you be scared of now? * CHALLENGE - Draw Hitler ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Vaginas, Jacko & The Daily Fail >> He bite my vagina << "Hi mate," beams a bullish Joel Veitch. "We made a musical remix mashupy thing of that lady whose dog bit her in the vagina." BTW: Have we ever mentioned we once woke up with our cat licking our penis? http://www.rathergood.com/bite >> Kunt's tribute to Jacko << We love Kunt & The Gang, his name alone makes us fans. He has zilch chance of mainstream acceptance as you can't even say his name without offending. Indeed, checking his website the only press he appears to get is in rubbish porn mags like Fiesta, oh, and us of course. His latest creation is a personal take on the death of MJ. Please stick with it as it's rather wonderful. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Dailymail fear mash-up << Last week we asked for you to make, "Doomwatch - a site which counts fear words eg 'Swine Flu', 'Terrorism'... from the day's news and charts what to be most scared of today." Tinlad answered our prayer, "Doomwatch pulls in the news feed from the Daily Mail, counts the fear words, and lets you know exactly what you should be worrying about today, with convenient graphical representations of the size of the bricks you should be shitting," he explains. You can also point it at other news sites of your choice. http://www.mydarkmaterials.co.uk/doom/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Tramps Last week we asked for your hobo stories. Go on, go laugh at the unfortunates. Then feel a bit bad after reading Evil Lu's nice list of things you can do to help. Then laugh again to make yourself feel better. We know you too well: http://b3ta.com/questions/tramps/ * EL DUDERINO - "Key West, 2001. I met The Dude. He was the absolute dead ringer for Lebowski. He looked like Jeff Bridges, he sounded like Jeff Bridges. He was a fucking rock star. I sat and got as high as a fucking kite with him and his hobo friends: The man who made hats out of palm leaves and looked like he was carved out of mahogany; the man gave out cards for the strip club; and the man who hustled tourists at pool. I supplied the booze, they supplied the dope. The Dude didn’t even get pissed off with me when I asked him if he'd seen The Big Lebowski, "Man, do I look like I own a video player? Where would I even plug it in?" Later on, I was sat on the edge of a wall, looking over the water watching the famous Key West sunset, when I heard, "Scarpe! Dude! Good to see you, man!" being yelled at me. From the water. As The Dude went sailing past in a bath tub with an outboard motor attached to the back, waving at me like a mad man. Dude, I salute you, you were fucking awesome. May your bath float on forever." (scarpe) * BRUCE LEE - "I was standing on the escalator to the tube behind a traditional, 'fun'-type tramp, with matted ginger hair down to his waist. In front of him were two Japanese teenagers. They had matching yellow rucksacks on so they must have been on some kind of school trip. The tramp started going, "Arr soor! Aaaar soooor, I'm Bruce Lee!" and karate chopping the air. I was cringing at this basic, racist humour, until one of the boys turned around, waggled his fingers at him and said, "Arr soooor! I'm Mick Hucknall." (browser) * ROGER HODGSON - "I walked past a homeless guy and he started singing 'when I was young I thought that life was so logical...' I said, 'That's supertramp.' He said 'Thanks very much.'" (dolly gobshite) >> This Week's Question << Gyms are evil places dedicated to extracting fat, sweat... and your cash. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/gyms/ ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINKY-POOS NUMBER TWOS Model for POLICE. Go on. Give it a try Style brand POLICE are famous for their print advertisements. Previously they've used David Beckham wearing their sunglasses whilst covered in baby oil, and this year they want to use YOU. Yes, dear internet, they want YOU to upload a photo of your lovely self and you might be picked to be the face of their campaigns for 2010. The site is actually quite fun in a hot-or-not kind of way, and they're looking for people who look "unique" so a few b3tans in the mix might do the trick. http://www.police-beyounique.com/Faces/Faces.aspx ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Crap magazine top tips << Beyond parody really - here's a collection of real top tips found in the pikey magazines like Chat. Frankly we think the mags are taking the piss and run them for a laugh anyway. Best one? "Don't like chocolate? Try my 'cheese eggs'. Simply roll Babybels into an egg shape and serve. Delicious." BTW: If any readers (Hello CCC) fancy making some up and trying to get 'em printed then we'd love to hear about it. http://heroofswitzerland.blogspot.com/search/label... >> The Annotated Weekender << The Guardian's Weekend magazine is the glossy bit that you traditionally read in a local cafe on Saturday morning whilst planning an exciting weekend ahead. This week you and your partner should competitively scribble on it and see if you can out-amuse these guys. Something to do anyway. http://theannotatedweekender.blogspot.com/ >> Babes of the BNP << Great idea for an article - find some ever-so-slightly-gammy lady members of the BNP and interview them about their abhorrent views. Actually, we think the BNP provide a useful service - they're a minority that the middle-classes can give a good kicking to without feeling guilt, much like how council folk love nothing better than setting fire to a paedophile. More self-selecting groups that it's ok to hate please; it's what comedy needs. http://www.viceland.com/wp/2009/07/babes-of-the-bn... >> Photoshopping black people << Advertising imagery sometimes needs to reflect cultural diversity but if the designer hasn't got an appropriate photo to hand, photoshop can be used to place a black person in shot. Witness the magic when cultural awkwardness meets technical cack-handedness. There's lols in them there hills. http://snurl.com/werenotracistwerejustcrap >> Bing vs Google << You have to hand it to Microsoft - they don't give up. They've been completely shit at search for years but finally they produce Bing, and it's OK. It's no game-changer but if they force enough people to use it by embedding it into Internet Explorer etc. then they've got a chance of maybe... not beating Google. But certainly Yahoo should be worried. Or so current received wisdom says - and yet when we use this tool to compare them side by side - for our money - Google is still the clear winner. It's the extras like folding in the news search that really make it for us. However, try for yourself. It's fun sticking your own name in anyway. http://www.bing-vs-google.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : US EDITION OF JOKE BOOK ANNOUNCED Don't all flock to the shops at once About a year ago a publisher got in touch asking to republish the joke book in America - largely for the book club market. A side-effect of this, is that it's now available for the first time on Amazon.com. However they've changed the title (which I quite like) and the cover (not so sure about.) Anyway, it's all a bit odd writing this up as I haven't even seen a real copy, and only know that it's finally for sale because it came up in a Google search. But there you go. Buy it, America. Buy it now. http://snurl.com/everytimeyouclickafairydies ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Rainstorm kitten B3tan Kim found this poor, little mite sitting in the gutter in the pouring rain. If you live in Shanghai and are looking for a cat... this could be your lucky day. http://www.olivepixel.com/misc/kitten/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but smaller and with no remote control >> Augmented reality << Bloody hell. This is the future! Hold your iPhone up and this app'll stick little labels on the view to direct you to the nearest Tube station. It's like being the Terminator - freaking awesome! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> How to open a banana << Not funny, just useful. We've been doing it wrong our whole lives. Sigh. All those wasted years... http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ive_been_doing_it_wrong >> Henry Rollins techno << The great man's anti-techno rant remixed into dance music. Also features the inspiring choreography of Techno Viking. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Fly-powered plane << Bearded inventor chap finds a way to make a fly... fly. By supergluing it to a tiny model plane. Erm... http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fly_powered_plane >> Michael Jackson interview << Fry and Laurie's Michael Jackson interview from yesteryear. The great man answers questions from his critics and performs his latest single. http://b3ta.com/links/A_rare_interview_with_Michae... >> Duke Nukem's Disease << Touching documentary about a man whose motor skills are those of a character from a first person shooter game. Maybe one day there will be a cure. http://b3ta.com/links/FPS_disease_is_a_terrible_af... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Actually a name for once, rather than a cock * SNAPPY SNAPS - Andrew writes, "I found this interestingly-named photographer's on London Road in Sheffield." Bet this guy is great at taking the money shot. http://naxtek.com/general/smp.jpg * MIS-USING GPS - Kudos to mrkeithmartin who, using his GPS watch managed to draw this impressive route on the satellite map. Ah, back to the cocks. http://connect.garmin.com/activity/6033208 ------------------------------------------------- : BONUS B3TARDS More stuff made by our webby chums * JEREMY CLARKSON IN A MICROWAVE - Short but satisfying outing for Cyriak. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jeremy_Clarkson_in_a_mic... * ENJOYABLE SPOOF NEWS SITE - yeah yeah, we know. But Duncan McKenzie actually made us laugh - a rare enough occurrence. http://dailyweek.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Pirates Challenge Last week we had a one-word challenge: Pirates. Your favourites included: * PIRATES - that bit at the beginning of films, in reality (sepang) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9557682 * PI RAT - does what it says on the tin more precisely than anything, ever (VieuxConAigri) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9557275 * PARITY - USB pirate parrot pun (Captn Hood-Butter) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9557630 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pirates/ >> New challenge: Draw Hitler << This week we're are ordering a drawing competition. You must use pens, pencils, crayons, blood, anything really, but you have to draw Hitler. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/drawingsofhitler/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SICKINEWS - "I put this together in response to your last newsletter," explains Linusmartensson. "It throws whatever words are Capitalized in a news title into a search query and burps out the top result from sickipedia." It's a little random but the better for that. http://secretweb.org/sickinews * IMAGINE DAWKINS - "You said you wanted a Richard Dawkins version of 'Imagine'," blames Fat Boab. "Well, here it is. With added Hawkings." http://www.youtube.com/watch * IS 9.5HRs NETBOOK FOR REAL? - last week we promised we'd test this out, we took it on a train up north and it managed the 3hrs up and the 3hrs back just fine, but was just about running out by the end. So we reckon 6.5hrs is a more likely estimate considering ordinary use of some internet, some video watching and some word processing. Still, not bad - certainly longer than any other laptop we've used. Linky goes to Amazon should you have a spare £300 you want to spunk in Amazon's clicky face. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001UE8LA... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * TWHITLER.COM - a slice of Twitter than only displays mentions of Hitler - they're often rather interesting. A current peek reveals the great quote, "without Hitler, there'd be no british comedy" http://search.twitter.com/search * PEOPLE DRESSED AS HITLER.COM - mainly as we've just started typing Hitler into search engines and look what's popped out: a lovely young lady who we'd like to get to Third Reich with. http://snurl.com/hitlerbabyonemoretime * CAN'T THINK OF A THIRD HITLER SITE - so over to MadAdamUk who suggests, "As summer is coming up, could some b3ta boffin figure out which solution is more efficient in terms of cooling AND energy bills; An average tower fan on all day or a portable air-con unit for say 3-4 hours over the course of a day." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Coin Operated Boy, Occulus, Beejay, RBF esquire, Mme Bing . Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subyline via barryheadwound. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: The keen-eyed will noticed that Sickipedia as attracted its first advertiser. In four years nobody, but nobody would touch it with a shitty stick. Despite being a popular site - approx 6 million page views per month - people are wary of associating their products with bad taste jokes. So welcome Jamrags.com - a clothing company that understands that it's just a bunch of jokes. Well they should, as their business model is to stick similarly offensive slogans on their own t-shirts. BTW: We're wondering if Prince Harry is a fan of Sickipedia? A recent Daily Mail quotes a friend of TV presenter Caroline Flack as saying, "Harry is very funny and texts her jokes all the time from an internet site he’s found." Anyway. You want a joke - props to Milenko for this pithy one-liner, "RAPE. Small word, long sentence." http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive