we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THATCHER - HURRY UP AND DIE SO WE CAN HAVE A NEW IMAGE CHALLENGE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ANIM - Jacko's secret basement * READ - Emails from an asshole * VID - "I'm pissing on your car" ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Jacko, Piss and God >> Michael Jackson's secret basement << What ghastly secrets lie hidden in Wacko Jacko's mouldering cellar? Brian Mung investigates. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Michael_Jacksons_secret_... >> Grey Bloke finds God << The monochrome net-nerd seeks religious reassurance from an online preacher, with mixed results. A tale told by madridiot, full of sound and fury and signifying.. uh, something. http://snurl.com/grey_blokey >> I'm pissing on your car << Ginger Fuhrer Rob spent Wednesday making this joyous song and urinating on his neighbour's Jeep in the name of ART. The voice of an angel and the bladder of a puffer-fish. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_Pissing_On_Your_Car * ALSO JACKO FLASHMOB - How I started it by accident, also by Rob, your newsletter Hitler, who can stick two links of his own at the top if he fancies it. http://snurl.com/tehwords ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Buses Buses are great. It's the drivers that are the problem - as Emadex's story of a dead passenger that got dumped at a bus stop makes clear: http://b3ta.com/questions/buses/ * TICKETS - "Shouting from the front of the bus, disturbs my iPod listening. A mid-20s girl sat next to a young black man was shouting typical (for this part of Europe at least) fairly racist remarks: enquiring whether he could in fact fornicate with himself and requesting that he does indeed 'go back to the jungle.' This poor man was sitting there, not making a sound, looking straight ahead and not reacting. Meanwhile the inspector gets on and starts asking for tickets. People hold them out, ready to show that all is paid and proper, whereupon the young black gentleman snatches the shouty lady's ticket from her hand, eats it, and then carries on staring straight ahead. She went mental. What's more, explaining to the inspector that her ticket had been eaten just got her thrown of the bus for being a nutter..." (Bababoon) * WHEELS - They go round and round apparently: "A couple of rows in front of me on a packed bus was a mum balancing her shopping on her lap. Her little kid was standing next to her and singing loudly. The only song she knew was The Wheels on the Bus. Worse, she only knew one verse. Which she repeated again and again and again. By the 23rd time this was more than slightly irritating. So mum turned to her daughter and asked her to sing something else. Daughter stopped, thought for a second, and then comes out with, "Bodyform. Bodyform for YOUUUUUUUUU!" The whole bus laughed and the mum went red in the face." (lordofallhesurveys) * TOP DECK - "I like sitting in the front seats on the top deck, holding the rail under the window, pretending I'm hand-gliding very slowly around London." (Numma Supplies) >> This Week's Question << Gather around the burning oil-drum and tell us your hobo-tales: http://b3ta.com/questions/tramps/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Echo Nest rocks bells << Put a donk on it? That more cowbell thing? All these websites springing up that allow you to muck around with audio have one thing in common - they're using Echo Nest, a way of using computer code to cut up beats and re-order them in a musical fashion. This is big. This is awesome, and the linky goes to a clever chappie using the technology to cut up Black Eyed Peas' "Boom Boom Pow". http://musicmachinery.com/2009/06/21/wheres-the-po... >> There, I fixed it! << In what can only be an attempt to get a book deal, earn some Adsense pennies or just become as "famous as the failblog" comes this collection of really dreadful repairs. We're only being cynical because we're suddenly regretting not having a job in publishing and thinking how easy our lives would be - just keeping an ear to the net and repurposing anything that has obvious mass appeal. http://thereifixedit.com/ >> Portraits of nails << Speaking of such - wouldn't these photos of bent nails in amazingly human poses make a great little picture book? It has charm, and could be piled up by the counters without risk of offending anyone. http://www.designswan.com/archives/the-story-of-na... >> Amusing Pringles banner ad << Back when the only entertainment online was a bear that shat prime numbers, there was a site, just a few lines of javascript, that produced endless OK/Cancel dialogue boxes with amusing text like, "are you bored yet?" and "but you can't stop clicking can't you?" Looks like the agency producing ad banners for Pringles have as long a memory for this crap as us. BTW: Over ten years Pringles have reduced their packs from about 200g to 150g. True fact. We read it in this month's issue of Wired UK. http://awardshome.com/cannes2009/pringles/can-hand... >> Periodic Table of Typefaces << If you work in a design agency, and we know at least 2% of our readers know people who do, then here's your new wallpaper. http://snurl.com/drinkingfromthefontycup >> "Emails from an asshole" << Proving once and for all that all comedy needs a victim comes this collection of wind-up emails sent in response to classified ads. We ended up reading quite a few and then remembered we needed the bog. http://www.dontevenreply.com/all.php ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO For those scared of clicking >> Billie Tweets << Clever montage of twitter comments accompany and spell the lyrics to Michael Jackson's Billie Jean video. Someone clever needs to write a script that'll do this for any youTube video that has captions. http://billietweets.com/ >> Springwatch Smiths references << Nature programme presenter Chris Packham secretly tried to slip a Smiths reference into every show. Here they all are edited together. You're probably expecting us to put a Smiths gag in here, but that joke isn't funny anymore. http://b3ta.com/links/Springwatch_smiths_reference... >> Jacko fail << As the web continues to be dominated by Jacko news, here's an advert for his now-cancelled O2 concerts. Can't say too much more without ruining it. http://snurl.com/rolluprollup >> Freak-out kid Japanese remix << Lols a-plenty for those who appreciated last week's spack-out by a teen World of Warcraft addict. Jaunty Nintendo-style tune accompanies some edited highlights of his overwrought capering. http://b3ta.com/links/Freak_out_kid_Japanese_remix >> Ducks go up the down escalator << Waterfowl once again demonstrate why Man is the master of the planet. The fucking idiots. http://b3ta.com/links/Ducks_go_up_the_down_escalat... >> Cat madness << Bewildering, high-speed montage of classic feline lols. Subliminal message: Your cat wants some biscuits. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Web Side Story << Witty sketch combining the twin pleasures of musical theatre and criticising the internet. Pleasure your inner gay nerd. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1913584 >> Multi-webcam music vid << Extraordinarily clever music video filmed on multiple video-chat feeds then collaged together to very pleasing effect. No idea what the song is about tho. Probably grooming children online. http://b3ta.com/links/This_is_extraordinary ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Cock buildings "Instead of a CDC (crudely drawn cock) logo," writes Ericezza, how about a CBC (cleverly built cock) complete with full balls? As photographed by me on Gracechurch Street, London." http://img19.imageshack.us/img19/4086/image112afb.... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Posh Challenge Last week we wanted you to make everything posh. Your favourites included: * SHANNON - everyone's favourite chav princess gets b3tarded (Wet chinned bag-shanker) http://b3ta.com/board/9542553 * CHORTLE - the Chuckle Brothers, upgraded (Bobby Bob Bob) http://b3ta.com/board/9546723 * EAGLE - a bird of prey, with added spiffiness (Panjandrum) http://b3ta.com/board/9542246 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/posh/ >> New challenge: Pirates << PIRATES. It's time for one of B3ta's famous one word challenges. Piracy is in the news at the moment with the sale of The Pirate Bay and the sea-bound Somalian pirates - so there's scope to interpret this however you wish. http://b3ta.com/challenge/pirates/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * LAMINATING BACON - "Back in the day, I was invited round this girl's house," explains DanBangBang. "Her mum was out, perfect conditions for teenage fumblings. However, when I got into her room I was distracted by the massive laminator on her desk. "'My Dad gave it me for Christmas,' she explained glumly. 'He works for an office supply shop, he's an arsehole'. Yes, we tried to laminate and simultaneously cook bacon. The plastic sheets don't really get airtight, the bacon semi-cooks, there's a lot of noise and a horrible smell. Hope this helps." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * DOOMWATCH - "A site which counts fear words eg 'Swine Flu', 'Terrorism'... from the day's news and charts what to be most scared of today." (via @ricomonkeon) * SICKINEWS - "A page that correlates trending news events with jokes about that event on Sickipedia." (via @chthonicionic) * URBANPOON - "An iPhone app that lets you quickly find hookers by location, price and ethnicity." (via @millwallant) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Choc Ice, Seventh, Gingey, Mighty Nibus, oller, Kung_Fu_Russ, badge, waz4444, Wingnutt, Ryan Giggs' Bald Spot. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Ad7. ------------------------------------------------- Yesterday, I came home early from work and found my wife cheating. The lazy bitch has hired a cleaner. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive