we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "FARRAH WHO?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MEAT COCKTAILS - The Bacon Meatini * VIDEO - Gamer kid spazz-out * FUNNY NAME CORNER - Sadly, it's back ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : OBLIGATORY JACKO INTRO Right, as you know, the whole world has melted down over the death of Michael Jackson, so we best get that out of the way before the newsletter proper. * PHOTOSHOPS - we've open a special obituary challenge so you can share your touching and emotional gif-based tributes: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/michaeljackson/popul... * MASS MOONWALK - we made a tentative suggestion of a flash mob at 6pm in Liverpool Street and Twitter exploded with extraordinary enthusiasm. Thought we'd pop down though. http://search.twitter.com/search * SICKIPEDIA - in traffic we've haven't seen since Jade Goody died, you've all completely crippled our sick joke site. Stop pressing F5 ok? ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Apparently Jacko is dead you know >> The Meatini << "I have invented the MEATINI!" rejoices Joel Veitch. "A full English fry-up in a cocktail glass made of bacon!" The glass is quite disturbing, as if serial killer Ed Gein had got his tableware sold in John Lewis or something. http://rathergood.com/841_Meatini >> Celebrity odd << Create your own peculiar celebrity portraits automatically, thanks to this handy toy by "Info", mother nature's most enigmatic b3tard. http://makeacelebrityodd.com/ >> Bathroom of the Future << Tomorrow's world of space hovercrafts, household robots and such will make your morning ablutions simpler and more pleasant. So say the Secret 7000 in a scene remake from some film we can't quite place, maybe The Island, Minority Report or Gattaca we reckon. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_John_Wash ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The Boss What is it about running a company that makes you think you are God? We asked for your tales of mad psycho bosses. There's loads to read here, but Crazy Steve sounds quite nice to us, to be honest: http://b3ta.com/questions/theboss/ Here's some short, funny stories dredged from the long tales of bossy woe: * CRAIG - "My boss has no social skills. In addition to (or because of) this, he is also a bit of a loud talker. One day I'm in my office working away and I hear him looking for a co-worker. "Hey Craig! Where's Craig?" He starts walking down the hall, getting louder each second. "Where's Craig?" I heard Craig's voice, somewhat annoyed, but I couldn't make out his words. The boss heard it too. "Craig? Where the hell are you?" I heard Craig again, and my boss replied at top volume, "In the bathroom? What are you doing in the bathroom?" I could hear the door to the bathroom open as my boss went to investigate. He FINALLY figured it out, the tard." (setimret) * GARY - "I once got berated by the boss in front of a customer for apparently ignoring her tannoys. She was away with phrases like 'unprofessionalism', 'disciplinary' and 'taking it higher'. I felt I had to say my piece. After all I didn't ignore her, not on purpose anyway. "Sorry but I didn't hear you." "I know fine well you heard them, Gary. I've been calling your name for five minutes now. I could see you milling around at the other end of the store and there's no problems with the tannoy over there." "Erm...my name isn't Gary." The customer laughed and she stormed off. Now whenever I see her she makes an effort to drop my correct name into the conversation at least once." (Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock) * IVAN - "My boss at my last proper job was an enthusiastic, dedicated man who always did his best to listen and respond to the concerns of his workforce. Unfortunately, he had the voice of Ivan Dobsky, the Meat- Safe Murderer. He may have been talking about a new client design, or a change in order quantities, but all I was hearing was, "I never done it. I only said I done it so they wouldn't give me another jalfrezi enema..." (Concrete Cow) Finally, we must bow down before Cockbrush for this: "My last boss was a bit of a xenophobic bigot, who didn't like people eating Turkish Delight because it was a bit 'Muslim'. He even put up a sign on the break room door: 'EAST TREAT BANNED'" >> This Week's Question << In a switch of one vowel, this week we're moving from bosses to buses. Next week? Bizzies - the police in Liverpool. http://b3ta.com/questions/buses/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Non-existent invention blog << Dominic Wilcox has lots of ideas for inventions and products. Too many, in fact, so he pours them maniacally into a blog. Best one? Chocolate biscuits with a handle for dunking. If McVities brought this to production tomorrow, they'd have every newspaper covering it and every shop begging to stock them. http://variationsonnormal.com/ >> Supermarket humiliation challenge << We once went to the supermarket and bought a mars bar, the bloke we were with bought some Vaseline (he had a split lip), but the embarrassment of having these two items pass over the scanner at the same time was mind-bending. Looks like this NSFW site is onto a similar idea with the Tickleberry Challenge, a competition for submissive men that asks them to buy three independently banal items from a department store. The responses are both pathetic and amusing. http://www.tickleberry.co.uk/after-dark/tickleberr... >> A new optical Illusion << Our colour vision is shit - have you ever seen our attempts at design? So we'll take it on trust that this optical illusion works and isn't just an almighty gag on the colour-blind. Did we mention we're also paranoid? http://snurl.com/colouredtricks >> One million giraffes << In an attempt at a "build it and they will come" type meme, the request for the internet to draw one million giraffes has so far produced about 4000 or so. Reckon they will make it to the glorious one million giraffes? It's a tall challenge, but they're neck and neck etc etc. http://onemilliongiraffes.com/ >> My Average Life << In what is presumably a sequel to fuckmylife, comes a collection of messages on how, well average people's lives are. It's deadpan, crowd sourced observational comedy - not a sentence we ever thought we'd write. Some of the more amusing lines include: * Today, I opened the fridge. There was nothing I wanted to eat in there. After 15 minutes, I opened it again. There still wasn't anything I wanted to eat in there. MLIA * Today, my teacher saw me texting under the desk and grabbed my phone. She didn't grab my penis. MLIA. * Today, I decided to tan on the balcony. I took my top off and my neighbor came out and saw me. He's a guy. So am I. We greeted each other. MyLifeIsAverage. http://mylifeisaverage.com/ >> Water bottle panorama << In the first fully official Christina Aguilera simulator, you play a genie trapped in a bottle waiting to be "rubbed the right way." Or so we like to imagine. http://snurl.com/gottleofgeer ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Doomed animal friendships "It's a baby sparrow-hawk with kittin," spluffs Crystal Meth. "Made me go aaaah." http://snurl.com/letsbefriends ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like you care. JACKO IS DEAD FFS. >> Gamer kid spazz-out << Teenage boy shrieks and cavorts like a chimpanzee, all because his mom banned him from World of Warcraft. Hilarious/disturbing by turns, we're kind of hoping it's fake. Fave bit is at 1:40-ish. http://snurl.com/toddlerspaz >> Ninja Terminator funk << Following autotunethenews, an insane kung fu movie gets similar treatment. Bonus points for the choice of Thomas The Tank Engine theme tune, which, if there is a Hell, is the music that Satan himself plays every day. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ninja_Terminator_funk >> Stop-motion guitar << Blokey edits together his guitar strumming to make Mozart's 'Marriage of Figaro'. Although if he'd wanted to win at the internet he should have picked the theme to Knight Rider. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stop_motion_guitar >> Cat Lady movie << The crazy old lady with a hundred cats is a running joke, but this documentary crew followed several cat ladies around, with interviews about what they felt they were doing. Looks like a must-see movie. BTW: A similar movie could be made about men with their collections of old computers. http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/cat-ladies/tr... >> Darvaza: The Door to Hell << Some say it was caused by drilling for natural gas in the 70s, some say oil in the 50s. Whatever it was, it left a fucking massive pit belching flame to the sky and it's been burning non-stop for at least 38 years. And if you listen closely it plays the Thomas The Tank Engine theme. http://snurl.com/lastepisodeofbuffy >> Irresponsible Tio << Short but very sweet advice from 5 second Films. God these guys rock. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Short_but_very_sweet ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Same rude words, slightly different order * AIR FORCE POUNDS MILF - We saw a porno like that once. More than once. http://snurl.com/letshopetheymakeasequel * LONGSTAFF & WANG - Pfft... How did those guys end up working together? http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm * ROLO LOGO - What were they thinking of when they designed it? Would you give anyone your last titwank? http://snurl.com/chocolatelove * BOW LOCKS - Hurrah for east London canals! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bow_Locks ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Unlikely iPhone App Challenge Last week we wanted you to build iPhones apps Apple wouldn't approve of. Your favourites included: * CRIME - brilliantly clever iPhone app to help victims of iPhone theft (The Hedgehog From Hell) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9527677 * FORCE - Obi Wan uses his iPhone to thwart the Imperial Forces (Kris Fucking Kristofferson) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9528687 * ZOD - Superman's collection of iPhone apps replaces the need for red Kryptonite (elbow) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9528822 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/iphone/ >> New challenge: Make Everything Posh << What with Royal Ascot and Wimbledon, the papers are full of photos of posh people doing posh things. But why should posh people get all the fun? We say make everything posher. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/posh/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * "I'LL LISTEN TO IT IN THE CAR" - is a put-down quote we ran last week from Radiohead's Jonny Greenwood. Dufflouis writes in, "I am a member of the band he was talking about. We would like the honour of appearing in the b3ta newsletter as well. Then you can all listen to us in the car." Well, we don't actually own a car, but we did listen to this on our laptop and make brmmm brmmm noises. Ha - quote that! http://www.myspace.com/thedufflefolks * ASK JO GUEST A QUESTION - B3tard HoratioFellatio popped up on our board and mentioned he was interviewing 90s glamour model Jo Guest and asked B3tards for questions. In the spirit of helping our, your Ginger Fuhrer threw in a question but didn't really expect to get so publicly name-checked. He's ever so slightly embarrassed. NSFW. http://www.youtube.com/watch * SCORP'S VIKING FUNERAL - "Last week my pet scorpion Clamps was found dead in his terrarium after 10 happy years," weeps Wallaboing. "I didn't want to just stick him in the ground, bin him, or flush him, as people may do with other household pets. It seemed a bit to inhumane, so I thought back on his life, and decided on the best send off i could think of - THE VIKING FUNERAL! Knowing how the internet works, I videoed it." Stirring stuff. http://snurl.com/petfunerals ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Captcha Invaders You know those useless series of letters you have to type to convince websites that you're human? What if that was turned into a game? Another lovely thing produced by E4 asking your Ginger Fuhrer to get the b3tans to make games for them. Thank Matt Round for this one - he really is a spiffing chap. http://www.e4.com/game/captcha-invaders/play.e4 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * RICHARD DAWKINS SINGING IMAGINE - cut up The God Delusion audiobook to the lyrics of Lennon's anti-religion hymn and, well, we're not sure if this would be mocking or celebrating Dawkins but we'd rather like to hear it. * LAMINATING BACON - Kaol would like to know if it's possible to fry up a rasher in a laminator. "I'm not stupid enough to try it myself though," he assures us. Anyone? * HORSE PISS, HORSE PISS! PSST! PSST! - a mini-meme floating around B3ta towers at the moment is singing these lyrics roughly to the tune of The Ozmonds' Crazy Horses, whilst miming pissing on everything. We can't actually be arsed to produce this into a proper song and video, but if someone else could do the job for us? Cheers. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by malus_diabolus, johncolchester, @mattround, Mr Alexander, CR3, thunderfm, stuart.randell, pizzlepaps, clivepenfold, thiswasmyclone, Mr Torture, mockingbirdred. Monkeysport2000, Monocromatico, Doogie Talons. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via The Great Architect ------------------------------------------------- Sickipedia is royally fucked at the moment as the world and his dog is trying to post Jacko jokes and our server can't take it. So as a thankful change of pace Nimble Colin writes, "A delightful newsletter-friendly joke I recently heard: Q: How do you titillate an ocelot? A: Oscillate its tit a lot." next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive