we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WIND TURBINES. WE'RE BIG FANS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SONG - I Sucked Off a Bloke * TATS - World's worst body art * DOGS - Lilly Allen vs Littlest Hobo ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Blow-jobs, World-saving, Kids & Asking the Web >> "I sucked off a bloke" << Kunt & the Gang revisit Kate Perry's poptabulous hit of last year. Lots of sexy builders. Kunt is a fucking star. He's also at Edinburgh this year. "I'm trying to raise awareness," he says, "Not in a cancer way." http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Rob saves the planet << "A charity asked me to make a video about green issues," explains ginger fuhrer Rob. "Hope you like it as I've made myself look like an utter prick making it." It's not long in before the blood and piss and anger start flying about. http://www.b3ta.com/links/me_looking_like_an_arseh... >> The Bathroom song << The point isn't so much the song itself as the second half of the vid, where Joel vividly illustrates the pitfalls of employing children as extras in your music videos. http://rathergood.com/bathroom >> What does the internet think? << c_kick has been wondering what the internet likes. So he's made this frankengoogle creation that queries three major search engines and Twitter to make pretty graphs of love, hate and indifference for whatever you type in. http://www.whatdoestheinternetthink.net/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK That's me on TV! Last week we wanted your TV appearances. We are glad we asked as otherwise we we'd have missed TheMagicDwarf's story of appearing, drunk, on Countdown. Go read it here.: http://b3ta.com/questions/onthebox/ * MOTORBOATING FOR IRELAND - "After an Ireland game, we'd won 2-0 and as we left I was accosted by a woman in a extremely low-cut top with camera man and microphone in tow who wanted my opinion on the game. As she asked me my feelings on the game I did that thing where you kind-of lean your head down, only to realise I had a quite fantastic view of a quite fantastic pair of tits. I then, to my eternal shame/pride, took a deep breath, looked down at her tits, then at the camera before motorboating those big breasts for Ireland. I was quickly shoved away by a furious camera-man and some other guy who I hadn't noticed before. Police took me to one side and it took all my wit and drunken apologies for them not to arrest me. Apologies to you, brunette with large boobies, if you read this, but I regret nothing." (Eoghan) * PUSSYCATS - "I developed a revolutionary system for the intensive indoor farming of Australian crayfish. I shit you not. On the show Duncan Bannatyne tried to argue that restaurants would not buy live crayfish over frozen ones. He should know, he quipped, as he owned a restaurant. So I pointed out that his chef was one of my customers. Deborah Meaden said she was out for ethical reasons and accused me of being, "a bit of a wet fish", to which I replied "No, I came here to see dragons and only found pussycats." The foppish-haired Australian one thought transport would be "an issue" and didn't like me informing him that the crayfish had been shipped from Brisbane a week earlier courtesy of Singapore Airlines, been down to Cornwall for a few days to recoup before heading to London with me on a train and being cooked by a Michelin-starred chef that morning before heading to the studio in a taxi. Unsurprisingly I was cut to about 15 seconds. They are all cunts." (Mong The Merciless) * POO ALWAYS WINS - "In 1990 I witnessed an air crash (there's not much to do in the north of Scotland). Local TV news cameras arrived the next day and interview me: "It was very quick - there was a big bang and a fireball," I say. They interview my mum, "It was just like a sunset," she says, wistfully. They interview my dad, who, at the time, was a fairly well-respected local figure, "I didn't see it - I was in the toilet." My dad got top billing when it aired - I was last." (Mighty Nibus) >> This Week's Question << Is your boss a cunt? Thought so. Tell us all about it here: http://b3ta.com/questions/theboss/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Ugliest tattoos << Tattoos are hot this week, what with that Dutch girl claiming that she'd fallen asleep and hadn't really wanted a bukkake sputz of 56 inky stars across her left cheek. Hence it's with good timing we bring you another compendium of crap tats. BTW: We just tried really hard to think up a crap tattoo idea and the best we can come up with is adding a Google-style radio button to your nipple with the slogan, "I'm feeling lucky". http://ugliesttattoos.com/ >> Bands say the stupidest things << Blog dedicated to the most idiotic or egotistical press releases and bios put out by bands and their hapless managers. Our favourite comment? "Thanks, I’ll listen to it in my car on the way home!" – Jonny Greenwood, Radiohead. http://www.shutupbands.com >> Sneaking round the neighbours' house << Alarming thread from internet dickwad who likes to wander round his neighbours' house while they're on holiday. With pictures, for your own vicarious pleasure. Reminds us of Charlie Manson sending out his family for "creepy crawls". http://snipurl.com/creepycrawl [forums_somethingawful_com] >> The £10 breakfast << Greasy spoon offers a free breakfast for the fat biffa who can entirely devour what's essentially a whole fried pig wearing an egg bikini. Otherwise, it's a tenner. http://www.sharenator.org/The_10_Breakfast/ >> Never touch your shitty arse again << Truly the end times are here, when people are unable to cope with the fact that they do poos out of their bottoms. Here's a mechanical arm to hold the toilet paper while you do your business. Not included - another mechanical arm to clean the shite off this one. http://www.comfortwipe.com/ >> Radio Spiritworld << Peter Serafinowicz and Robert Popper are probably best-known for the brilliant TV series Look Around You, and lately we've been stalking them both on twitter where we learnt about their latest project - the first episode of a podcast from beyond the grave. We advise copying this to your iPod and going for a walk in the local park - that's what we did. Sniggering about ghosts whilst enjoying the sunshine is a perfect way to spend 30 minutes. http://rsw.cc/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Milk teeth adventure Breaking our golden rule of only using this section to linky to baby animals, here's a cute little photo story about two milk teeth and their adventure in the big, big world. http://mymilktoof.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO A tiny little telly you can wank to at work >> The Simpsons minus the Simpsons << The removing stuff meme continues - first there was Garfield without Garfield's speech bubbles - it made Garfield's owner Jon an utterly mad, lonely figure talking to a dumb cat. Then The Wonder Years with the narrative voiceovers zilched - to suggest a world of uncomfortable silences. And now? Some autistic genius has had a go at the iconic intro from The Simpsons. What next? Knight Rider's David Hasselhoff with a Kitt that doesn't answer back? http://snipurl.com/simpsons-simpsons [www_romancortes_com] >> Lily Allen vs. The Littlest Hobo Theme << Despite even our mum claiming to be bored of them, mash-ups haven't died, especially when they're spliced together for humour rather than who-really-gives-a-toss music reasons. We're loving the implication of this - that Lilly Allen is stuck in an unsatisfactory romantic entanglement with a dog. http://snurl.com/lilyesthobo [www_b3ta_com] >> Dinosaurs saying "Hi" << Dubbing Jurassic Park dinosaurs with a goofy "hi" instead of roaring has a touch of genius to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> What is a browser? << Google are doing some lovely research at the moment - this video helping remind web developers that in the greater world nobody really gives a stuff about exact terminology. If you're developing online projects - this might make you think a little. http://snipurl.com/whatisabrowser [pleaseenjoy_com] >> The Book of Genesis revisited. << To critique Intelligent Design's absurd marriage of science with religion, Michael Shermer has penned the following revision of the Genesis creation story. Ideal for sending to your local vicar whilst you masturbate your man cock by slapping it between the heavy pages of The God Delusion. Oh sorry - just us then? http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Book_of_Genesis_revi... >> Play Helen off Keyboard Cat... << In 1982 Academy Award-winning actress Helen Hunt starred in Desperate Lives as a young woman who jumps out of a window after taking PCP. In 2009 she was played off by Keyboard Cat. Epic. http://snipurl.com/playhelenoff [www_b3ta_com] ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Nick Griffin Challenge Last week we wanted you to 'shop Britain's foremost Nazi. Your favourites included: * GOMA - an unsettling return for the nation's favourite case of mistaken identity (cakeburglar) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9512903 * CHOCOLATE - Griffin's glass eye spoils new version of Cadburys ad (drboon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9514124 * OBAMA - Face-to-face with his political nemesis, our racist hero crumbles (WiL) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9510295 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/nickgriffin/ >> New challenge: iPhone Apps << As Apple updates its iPhone software, introducing revolutionary features like 'copy & paste' and 'picture messaging', it's the perfect time to imagine the apps that Apple won't approve, and to show how they'd be used. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/iphone/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * REVIEWER'S REVENGE - Matt Boothman writes, "In your last newsletter you featured a song by The Glass Band, in which frontman Arran Glass retaliated musically to a bad review. I'm the c*nt that wrote the review and I've retaliated in turn. Since you've linked your readers to Mr Glass's song, maybe they'd like to hear the next instalment of the Glass v. Boothman saga?" http://snurl.com/manwitch [www_t5m_com] * B3TARD GETS BOOKED - Sam Fuller writes, "Long time lurker Monsieur Le Pedant here. My missus runs this voice over agency: www.rabbit.uk.net - they're great. On seeing Terry Mynott's brilliant and haunting VO reel the other week in the newsletter I forwarded it post haste to her in charge. Happily they have just taken him on." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Do Yo Knowz Yo Showz? We've been working tirelessly behind the scenes getting B3tans to make games for the E4 website - the latest is NTC Inc's unique take on internet quizzes. http://www.e4.com/game/do-yo-knowz-yo-showz/play.e... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * AUTO-SITCOM MUSIC - "I need an iPhone app that gives me incidental movie/sit com music to use in my daily life." (@balkanbeat) * STALKING PEOPLE - "A version of Shazam in which you can send a photo of someone's face and it will search facebook for their name." (@ricomonkeon) * MP FUN - "Code that takes the blacked-out bit on MP expense forms and replaces it with text from porn sites." (@MontyPropps) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Rev. Jesse, @ohthedecadence, @MJHibbett, executiverocker, @SuaveRepublique, mr.dogshit, rich annexia, intesvensk, Monkey Tennis *naf. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlos via peebles. ------------------------------------------------- My sister talks about sex online with people she doesn't know. She thinks ;) http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive