we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "APPEAL: JUST £1 CAN BUY ANOTHER TRIPWIRE FOR THATCHER'S HOUSE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * LOTTO - How much cash have you not won? * SWEETS - mad Japanese candy * CUTE - animals with casts ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK You can do so much with round-ended scissors >> The Axe Trick << Wheatley and chum limber up for a shambolic stage act involving a razor-sharp axe. It's not a question of 'if' but simply 'when' and 'how horrible'. BTW: This is a BBC link, meaning it won't play outside the UK which is a completely shit policy, licence fee or no licence fee. Still, great Wheatley clip. http://mrandmrswheatley.blogspot.com/2009/06/axe-t... >> The Lottery Frustrater << Look at what you could have won - "Put in your lottery numbers, and get an estimated value for what you'd have won if you'd been playing it for the last fifteen years, along with the dates you'd have won some money," explains area. You're probably better off not having played but you never know... Also kudos to Ptortoise, who also built a lottery results checker in response our newsletter request. http://idefex.net/b3talottery/ >> Japanese DIY sweets << "You might like this," volunteers Kim, "because it seems to be the kind of thing you might like." In fact, we find this self-assembly Asian confectionary repellant and somewhat frightening - you must check it out! http://olivepixel.livejournal.com/128775.html >> Fa la la la you're a cunt << Matt Boothman - this is what you get when you mess with Oxford thespians. Prancing minstrel Arran Glass jauntily sings out his rage at the hapless local journo who gave him a bad review. http://alittlepoison.com/2009/06/05/matt-boothman/ >> Why I wish Douglas Adams had stopped smoking << Give up smoking the Ginger Fuhrer way. A thoughtful Rob explains why he packed in the smokes back in the day - and why he wishes Douglas Adams had done the same. http://snurl.com/fagchat ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Festivals Last week we asked for your festival stories. Click for mud, poo, wee, a putrid drumstick injury and a lovely photo of Phill Jupitus holding a stuffed bee: http://b3ta.com/questions/festivals/ * SCHPOONING - "Gotta love the Danes. Great beer, good-looking people, and at Roskilde this year, for a little extra, they'd give you a tent already set up. In rows and rows of identical black fuckers... I ended up coming back on my own at about 3am. My mates had either copped off, fallen asleep in a bush, or staggered back to their own tents a little earlier. After a fair bit of confusion I found my tent, clambered inside and was asleep before my head hit the pillow. As is the case at most festivals, I was woken early the next morning by some talentless cunt playing a guitar badly. I opened my eyes and saw hair. Lots of hair. Then I realised I had my arm clamped tightly round something. I was spooning a stranger. Long gorgeous blonde hair. A smell of coconut shampoo. Fucking nice one. My hand stroked down her body - I couldn't remember getting any the night before, so I fancied a quick make-up shag for breakfast. She had nice soft skin, a firm tight torso. I breathed in the long locks and moved my hips so my cock nestled nicely in her arse crack. My sleep partner for the night stirred but didn't wake; she turned over onto her back. Now I could see her face. And she had a very nice, very long, very dense, bushy blonde beard. Fuck... Fuck? Shit, I hope not... I saw the bloke I'd slept with later. Had a chat with him - thankfully he was too pissed to remember me, the fella that'd crawled into his tent late at night and hugged him while he slept. His name was Darren and he was from Wolverhampton." (SpankyHanky) * A VERY ENGLISH RIOT - "I was at the Leeds Fest riots in 2005. The Foo Fighters had just headlined the main stage, and we were making our way back to the campsite only to find downtown Baghdad. There were huge fires all over the place, with the sound of gas canisters blowing up every few minutes. People were knocking down telegraph poles and destroying tents. I seated myself at the top of the hill looking down on the most tribal primitive and yet awesome sight I had ever seen. There in the clearing were hundreds of people running and dancing around a huge fire made of what was once the cider tent, the Carling tent and a telegraph pole. One guy was playing the drums using two tent poles and the upturned kettle drum bins while everyone danced around the fire with glow-sticks. There were people juggling fire, practising poi, and generally having a really good time. A Carling truck that was nearby had been broken into and was in the process of being relieved of all its goods. It looked like the apocalypse had come. And yet... there in the middle of all of this chaos, we rioting Brits had formed an orderly queue to pillage the Carling truck. Even in the middle of a riot we were waiting patiently as one guy grabbed 24 pack after 24 pack and offloaded one by one them to the waiting 'soon to be' drunks." (Furness) * DESPERATE - "Bloodstock '08: this is where I saw possibly the saddest thing I have ever seen. A boy about 16, with soup in his hair and holding a sign saying, and I quote, 'I will do anything for beer! (Except male sexual favours) And then, written below in slightly shaky, smaller writing, 'Or getting kicked in the nuts again.'" (Charlietron) >> This Week's Question: B3tards on TV << It's been four years since we last asked your appearances on TV and film. Since then we're sure you've sabotaged more productions. Tell us all about it here: http://b3ta.com/questions/onthebox/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Three frames of a movie << This simple concept is hilarious. The site makes three-frame animations of 80s movies. Some hurt the eyes, others are just plain silly. Mostly we just wanted to download some films and join in. Then we got distracted by a wasp and forgot. http://threeframes.net/ >> Brian May's website site-map << The point of a diagram is to use visual aids to help explain tricky concepts. But no, says Queen's guitarist Brian May, who lives in opposite land. The point is to take something simple, say a website, then use lines and squiggles to obfuscate and confuse. It's like looking at a mind map of a schizophrenic. http://www.brianmay.com/siteguide.html >> Megan Fox's odd thumbs << Nerds rejoice! You can now reject Megan Fox before she rejects you (and she would reject you, don't forget that.) And why? Because of her ever-so-slightly odd thumb. BTW: Personally we've gone off her a bit as she's starting to look like Angelina Jolie, and not young hot Angelina, but strained, thin, mad octomum Angelina. http://snipurl.com/omgthumbs [www_sherdog_net] >> Homeless Sims << We've got other things to do than play Sims - like actually having real friends and family who constantly demand attention and even food sometimes. However, we're briefly contemplating a second look now that we learn you can torture your characters by making them homeless and miserable. Surprisingly moving, and as Matt Round who sent it in says, "better than I expected it to be." http://aliceandkev.wordpress.com >> Crap demos blog << Brilliant idea for a blog - laugh at all the rubbish demos that get sent in to a record company. We'd pay good money for Amnesty International to do a similar one with protest songs. Linky goes to a particularly cringe-worthy track with a parent explaining to a child that the noises he's hearing are mum and dad making love and it's all natural and lovely. Ewww. http://bit.ly/3sqsGG >> All-meat dress << Ladies! If you want Joel Veitch sniffing around your groin then why not make clothing from salami and bacon? BTW: Veitch can detect one bacon molecule per million which means he can seek meaty women within a radius up to to 100 miles. http://tiny.cc/meaty ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Animals With Casts. Fuck Yeah! Because kittun's got a hurty paw paw. Awwwwww. http://fuckyeahanimalswithcasts.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Last week's funny videos... today! >> Hot Tetris orgy << Kicking ourselves for not making this gag - we've always thought there was something sexy about all those blocks slotting together. http://bit.ly/taegd >> Post-it stop motion << You think it's going to be shit, but then you get into it and quite enjoy it. A bit like sex with your own mum really. http://www.b3ta.com/links/post_it_stop_motion >> Classic 80's Hits... Interpreted for Ragtime Piano << You think it's going to be shit, but then you get into it and quite enjoy it. A bit like sex with your own mum really. http://snurl.com/ontherag >> Moscow Cat Theatre << You think it's going... sorry we're getting repetitive but it's Friday morning and ok, let's do this properly. Fraser Lewry sent this in, and he's been banging on about the Moscow Cat Theatre for oooh, 8 years now, and he's finally found a clip. So we're sticking it in to keep him happy. http://snurl.com/jwaif >> Toto's 'Africa' a cappella << Toto famously named their hit song Rosanna after the writer David Paich's then-girlfriend Rosanna Arquette. Similarly, the follow-up single 'Africa' was named in reference to his current partner, the African elephant. "These guys were taking so many drugs, it's a miracle they didn't start fucking ghosts," we completely lie. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Totos_Africa_A_cappella >> Cigarette Trick << Our only regret in giving up smoking is that we can't learn any fancy tricks like these that we could use to entertain the kids at parties. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1914098 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER You can't say puerile without saying poo * GLASTOCOCK - From last year's festival, the Green Fields logo gets distinctly aroused around the f. "I reckon it was designed on one of the smaller iMac screens and they never bothered scrolling down," giggles spongemonkey. http://www.stanleyunwin.com/images/glasto.jpg * BROWN SMEARS - best political headline ever? http://bit.ly/jvty8 * GLOBAL SLAG CRISIS - who knew things were that bad? http://bit.ly/mnLdC ------------------------------------------------- : WORST PRODUCT IDEA EVER The Cap Sac "I am spreading the word about this product," writes Info, "My mom co-created it in the early 90's - but sat in her home for the decade. A bum bag for your head!" Er... putting all your money on your head is simply insane. You'd be mugged - surely? http://www.cap-sac.com/index2.php ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Shatner Challenge Last week we wanted SHATNER! * CARROT - the Shat won't be getting any pudding until he's finished his vegetables (WiL) http://b3ta.com/board/9495542 * JAWS - not-so-scary sequel in which our hero fails to terrify the beaches of California (WiL) http://b3ta.com/board/9494601 * OOH - no idea what's going on here, but it's mightily psychedelic (mutated monty) http://b3ta.com/board/9499399 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/shatner/ >> New challenge: Nick Griffin << Show us the world through Nick Griffin's eye: just what is the one-eyed nazi simpleton really scared of? Challenge suggested by Griffy Savalas http://b3ta.com/challenge/nickgriffin/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CAN THE INTERNET BUY A BOAT- Rob went along to the 'With Sails & I' gig for more info on John Hopkins & Richard Glover's unorthodox marine master-plan. http://snipurl.com/cantheinternetbuyaboat * QUICK BEER CHILLERS - "Have been around for quite a while," offers Grampa, in reply to our request for a reverse microwave. "They had some nice models in local alcohol stores about 15 years ago: basically open-top thermoses with salt water whirling inside. The water was chilled below the freezing point and you'd put your beer can in it for a minute or so. It worked like a charm." You can buy a pikey version here for about 5 quid: http://snurl.com/beertwats * VERY FAST BEER FREEZING - 'Speedy beer chilling' clearly hit a nerve in our readers. "Put a beer in a freezer for about 3 hours and take it out. Hit it on a surface and because carbon dioxide is released when you do this, it super cools the bottle," glees b3tard Dave! http://www.youtube.com/watch * LAUGHING LIKE A DRAIN -We asked where the expression came from. Jajwhite explains, "Ever stood by a gutter outlet when a lot of water came out? It sort of breaks up into smaller bits, like a fart in a bath, and the resulting noise is sort of a "'Yuk Yuk Yuk', like laughter." Like a fart in a bath?? ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Herding kittens E4 has asked your Ginger Fuhrer to round up a few B3tards to make some games - first off we have Matt Round who brings you the 'Rather Difficult game' where you have to nail jelly to a wall, herd kittens and get toothpaste back into the tube. http://www.e4.com/game/rather-difficult-game/play.... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * COCKS ON THE UNDERGROUND - we've all seen animals on the underground tube map, but what about penises, tits and ladies' vaginas? * POSTCODE RAPE LOTTERY - "I saw this headline on Sky News, and I'd would like to see it turned into a board game, sort of like Monopoly but if you land on Mayfair you get raped or, if feeling lucky, can pick a 'take a chance' card and walk home down Old Kent Road." (Mong The Merciless) * OPPOSITES GAME - a web game where a word is given, say, "elephant" and the player has to type the opposite word, say, "mouse." We're then shown a list of the most popular responses, and if the player has picked a common one then he gets a point. Another word, another round. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by My Future Self, trumpet, applehead, @mattround, @StoodUpTooFast @weskrantz, Mick Stubbles, disconnected, @codepo8 and @qwghlm. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Zak McFlimby. Respect to Poons whom we'll be missing on QOTW and /links. ------------------------------------------------- Tonight's forecast: Dark. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive