we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "CARLSBERG DON'T DO ALZHEIMER'S. JUST EXCEEDINGLY GOOD CAKES." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Cassetteboy vs The Apprentice * QUESTION - Unexpected nudity * TIME HACKS - Using time travel to bang ladies ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Lots of things, oh yes, stuff >> Cassetteboy vs The Apprentice << Casetteboy hits Alan Sugar's shuffle button to create an improved edit of the reality show tycoon. Not quite safe for work, and so popular already that we've been emailed it ten times since Casetteboy posted it on our links board. http://cassetteboy.wordpress.com >> Herrings of War! << Joel sings a proud song, he sings of the bravery, the tragic, futile bravery of the herring horde and its war against mankind. What a Wagnerian masterpiece! http://rathergood.com/herring >> Sandwich << Big fans of a cheese sarnie here at B3ta Towers, so we enjoyed Scrambled Edd's sandwich-based love song. Right up until the mayonnaise, anyway. eww! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sandwich >> Geeky love tip << So you're in love with a friend but she already has a boyfriend. Read on for an ingenious solution to your problem. BTW: Author anthonymorcom emails, "wrote this thing last Friday and it went kind of massive, but I can't count it as a success unless it gets into the newsletter." Ha! Take that, internet. http://batteriesfeelincluded.blogspot.com/2009/05/... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Impulse buys Inspired by your Ginger Fuhrer's purchase of a trampoline that completely filled his garden, we asked for the stupid things you've bought on impulse: http://b3ta.com/questions/impulsebuys/ Here's a list of the choicer items: * 400 self-adhesive goggly eyes * A full size dalek * 1,000 cocktail umbrellas * A replica Storm Trooper suit * 5,000 kitchen cupboard doors * A pub * A life-sized statue of Lara Croft * A replica US Army 1840s revolver * A ghillie suit * A set of deep purple satin bedsheets * A 6-berth motorhome (off a man in a pub) * A 12-disc Worzel Gummidge DVD box set * 1,500 square metres of granite tiles * A commemorative Eric Bristow plate and * The skeletal remains of a nineteenth-century artist's model called Jo >> This Week's Question << There you are, minding you own business when **SURPRISE TODGER**... Tell us of unexpected encounters with nudity: http://b3ta.com/questions/unexpectednudity/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Memes without content << Here are the anonymous rooms where they performed the crazy comedy you sent on to your friends. See how many you can get - we were surprised how easy it is. http://waxy.org/2009/05/memescenery/ >> Potato Portraits << Ginou Choueiri paints amazing portraits on potatoes because "Not only is their skin porous like ours, but their skin texture and colour is very similar." Also, you have to cut the eyes out before you cook them. http://snurl.com/potatoshops >> Explosions & boobs << Save valuable time watching Hollywood blockbusters; simply reload the page to see more pics of breasts and things blowing up. http://www.explosionsandboobs.com/ >> Star Wars first draft << Mystery Man dug through the George Lucas archives to find the original draft of The Star Wars. And it's quite the turd. Amazing how many of the rubbish ideas trimmed from this made it into the latter three Star Wars products. http://snurl.com/starwarsalpha ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO It's like VHS 2.0 >> Cool optical illusion << One of the disturbing things about running B3ta for so damn long is seeing our contributors age: Zefrank is still producing excellent and amusing content but his eyebrows are going grey and his skin is sallow. Poor chap, maybe a holiday would help. http://vimeo.com/4791698 >> Biscuit-man vs chatlines << If you've ever pressed the channel up button on your TV above the numbers that actually have proper programming on them you'll have found those weird video chat lines where tarty young ladies are waiting for gentleman callers. Our friend in this case subverts them by keeping the subject off sex and on biscuits - although personally we prefer to exercise our sociopathic tendencies by wiping snot on door handles. http://channelbee.com/move/gags#2631 >> 1964 Antique MODEM Live Demo << The first modem we ever saw was in 1985 - an acoustic coupler connected to an Amstrad CPC, playing British Telecom's Multi User Dungeon. Like an ASCII World of Warcraft it knocked up a £400 phone bill for our school friend. We had no idea that even in the 80s, this was a 20 year old technology. Watch and learn, children: http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Hello Cleveland! << Comedy Basics 101: writing feel-good songs about provincial towns is funny. Try it yourself. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Spiderman vs pigeons << People who do street mine are pillocks who deserve everything they get - including this fine bit of bird seed-based pwnage. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> One Line on the Sopranos << You probably don't remember Erik Weiner's performance in The Sopranos. His single line was, "Leon, take your break at two." Erik is now stretching out his small moment of fame, for comic effect, and thereby making himself much more famous as a result. Clever stuff, Erik. http://www.b3ta.com/links/One_Line_on_the_Sopranos ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Letter Arts Challenge Last week we wanted you to make stuff out of letters Your favourites included: * TREK - Kirk, Spock and the inevitable dead guy are beamed on board (barryheadwound) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9461866 * TERROR - summing up the New York attacks via the simple gift of numbers (Faceburger) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9460496 * PANGRAM - featuring both a quick brown fox and a lazy dog (Cocodaye Miasere) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9466235 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/letterart/ >> New challenge: Extreme Sports << This week's extreme challenge is to make dangerous sports more extreme, to make dull sports more extreme, and to turn everyday activities into extreme sports. Like, gnarly, dude. Challenge suggested by Joe Scaramanga http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extremesports/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * STOLEN VIDEO - "I can't believe some yank STOLE the video I filmed especially for the links board and won $600!" yells combatcameraman. "Luckily, the b3tards were straight on it. I've got in touch and am going to try and claim the money back as it's rightfully mine." http://b3ta.com/links/Is_this_stolen * COVER VERSION - "Since posting my first few mashup 'Cover Version' album covers on here a couple of months ago it's kinda gone global - in no small part to the enthusiasm of you boarders and having them featured in the newsletter," chirps little pixel. "Just wanted to say thank to everyone for motivating me to do more and for the exposure. They are on the cover of trade mag 'Design Week' as of today as well as being featured in Wired and GQ's webbysites." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thanks_B3ta ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. This week we asked all the people who follow your Ginger Fuhrer on twitter (@robmanuel, some shit nabbed @b3ta) for suggestions: * DE-HANCING FILMS - "re-edit a CGI-fest to make it look shoddy + fun. Add strings to space ships, replace any CGI with claymation." We suggest Tron. (via @ricomonkeon) * VERBSWAPR - "Poet Ross Sutherland once swapped every verb in Little Red Riding Hood for the one below it in the dictionary. More of this, plz." What about an automatic tool that works with URLs? (via @gomark) * MICROWAVE MODS - "Can you turn a microwave into some kind of slow-acting raygun by turning it inside out?" (via @bounder) And special mention to Gidleys who asks, "Can someone please code something that enables me to load the newsletter with all the Joel Veitch stuff removed?" Oooh meany! Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Darklord, VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, @bounder, @alnapp, 52745, Floppy Donkey & @dxtr Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via tricyclic_looper. ------------------------------------------------- TESCO VALUE TOP TIP: Mong the Merciless explains, "Simply use Tesco's self-service scanners and enter any random number for 'own bags used' - voila, free clubcard points. It seems to work with no problems up to one bag per item bought. My record is 150 for a packet of chewing gum - it beeped and some nice employee just came over and hit override without even looking so I still go the points. "Forget the image challenge, I want, nay demand, to see who can get the most free clubcard points with this method. Remember folks, scan and post the receipt as without pics it never happened." ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Some random woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke. It had all the ingredients of a good joke: child abuse, incestual rape, tears and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline. Something about £2 a month? (nobodys hero) http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive