we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VEITCH - sings 'Bagger 288' * QUESTION - are you turning into your parents? * CHALLENGE - Happy Birthday David Icke ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Romania, Robots, Scooby Doo & Gravy >> Romanian compilation album harvest << Paint My Album takes us on a documentary journey to the stony fields of Romania, where poor peasant farmers pray for the rains and for a bountiful crop of Now That's What I Call Music. http://snurl.com/romanianow [www_b3ta_com] >> Bagger 288 << At 13,500 tons, the Bagger 288 is the world's most massive tracked vehicle. It's a titanic, spiky, metal behemoth of doom and Joel loves it very much. http://www.rathergood.com/bagger288 >> New Scooby Doo theme << Friz has written a new theme tune for Scooby Doo, undeterred by the fact they already have one. His enthusiasm is infectious. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Scooby_Doo:2 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Public Sex We wanted your outdoor fumblings and squelchy bits. Chart Cat "came" first with a worrying tale of squirting all over a cinema full of kiddies: http://b3ta.com/questions/publicsex/ Here are three classy shorties for you: * TAKE CONDOMS - "After a particularly heavy night out, my drunken staggering home took me through a small park. Having trouble putting one foot in front of the other I decided to stop on a park bench and have a smoke. After lighting up I become aware of some rustling in the bushes behind me followed by some giggling and snorting. After a short pause there was a loud, "Fook, I don't have any rubbers wif me." "No bother," came the giggly reply, "I'm already pregnant. But don't worry, it's not yours." (The Grammar Badger) * TAKE WIPES - "To be honest, I hate outdoors sex. It's always rushed, scary, cold, uncomfortable and there are never any tissues for post coital clean-up. There's nothing quite like the sight of your girlfriend squatting in the bushes ineffectively wiping her twat with an ATM receipt to put you off sex for life." (Colonel Dracula) * TAKE CARE - "Thirteen year old boys! When riding your bike alone through the woods and you get an unexpected hard on: DO NOT try to have a crafty one off the wrist while still riding. You'll go wobbly and crash into a tree." (scarpe) >> This Week's Question << When did you realise you were turning into your parents? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/gettingolder/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Google Maps typography << This bloke has been perusing Google Maps to find landscape features and buildings in his state that look like letters. We demand a font based on this. It could replace Gill Sans in MS Office 2010. http://rhettdashwood.com.au/#16575 >> 8 Bit Radio << Nerdy online radio station with a playlist based on old-school computer beats. http://www.8bitfm.com/ >> Meat Cards << Why bother with dull, inedible business cards, when you can have your contact details etched into a slab of dried jerky? With a freaking laser. http://www.meatcards.com/ >> Do you have swine fever? << It seems to be the craze that's sweeping the nation. Here's two sites sure to reassure/panic you. http://doihavepigflu.com/ http://doihaveswineflu.org/ >> cc Jacqui Smith << This week, why not include the Home Secretary in all your email correspondence? The idea is to show your displeasure at the Government's intended monitoring of all communications traffic. But who knows, maybe you'll make a new friend... http://www.ccjacquismith.co.uk/ >> Maths-based comedy << Jokes in the form of equations; a bit like those Venn diagram gags that were doing the rounds a wee while ago. But with maths. http://www.morenewmath.com/ >> Beautiful stats << American consumption statistics rendered as lovely, lovely artworks. It's only when you zoom right in that you see it's all made of fag packets, Barbie dolls and similar crap. http://www.chrisjordan.com/current_set2.php >> Whole chicken in a can << Looks just as good as it sounds. We can only imagine how it tastes. http://snurl.com/cannedchicken SEE ALSO: Pork brains in milk: http://snurl.com/porkbrains ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a "magic DVD" that you could download >> Slap chop rap << Infomercial meets Auto Tune. The result is a perky, breakbeat song to kitchen convenience. CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP. http://snurl.com/slapchoptune [www_b3ta_com] >> 90 mins of car crashes << It's been said that most people watch motor sport in the hope of seeing something go wrong. If so, feast your eyes on this - an unrelenting hour and a half of rally drivers spectacularly misjudging corners. http://snurl.com/carcrashtv [video_google_com] >> Midget rom-com << Nothing says quirky romance like worrying your unborn child will have a disability. Trailer for an inexplicable 2003 romantic comedy, starring Kate Beckinsale, Matthew McConaughey and Gary Oldman. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Real-life Twitter << Blokey takes his tweets out on the streets; ie. loudly announcing his every trivial thought, to general bemusement from people in earshot. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1909386 >> Bull in a china shop << Well, to be more accurate, bull in a supermarket. But close enough. http://tinyurl.com/csr9cr >> Bendy 50s dancing << Stick with it past the first minute and this kitschy musical number turns into something spectacularly odd. Do these women even have spines? http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Bigfoot caught on tape!! << Some really amazing footage here. http://www.b3ta.com/links/bigfoot_caught_on_tape ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Hidden message * BOYS WEE - Suspicious programming on the Sky listings menu, caught by vigilant b3tard blackarmadillo. http://snurl.com/boyswee [farm4_static_flickr_com] * MAJOR DICKIE HEAD - Can't imagine he'd ever get teased about that name, what with being in the army and all. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8014318.stm ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Police Challenge Last week we wanted you to 'shop the Police to show how lovely they are. Your favourites included: * GRAN - because we'll all be old ladies one day (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9391473 * STEREOTYPES - whose side would you rather be on? (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9396304 * BURGER - the Mac/PC debate rages on (Friz) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9387759 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cops/ >> New challenge: David Icke << It's David Icke's birthday this week, so what better gift than a whole seven days dedicated to his crackpot conspiracy ramblings? Just who IS ruling the world, and what do they plan to do with it? Open up Photoshop and show us the wonderful world of David Icke. Challenge suggested by The Great Architect. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/davidicke/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SPIDER GLOVES - we asked for spiders made from gloves and we got them. Emvee writes, "my sister made a glove spider for the newsletter, though I'm now thinking maybe I should offer it to the bank in exchange for my overdraft..." http://snurl.com/spiderglove [www2_b3ta_com] * COOKING CUCUMBERS - lbucket13 says, "According to my mother, there is a traditional Chinese recipe that involves stir-frying cucumbers and eggs together. Having tasted this a few times, I must say that cucumbers should never never never ever be cooked, but if one tries to complain to my mother, she will huffily tell you that this recipe is traditional and the cucumbers MUST be cooked. She is normally a wonderful cook and most everything she makes is scarfed down in seconds, but this dish is so awful that everyone just eats the egg and leaves the cucumber to stew in its own disgusting mushiness." * CAL HENDERSON LEAVES FLICKR - Cal, the coding genius who co-founded B3ta then lead the programming on Flickr is apparently up to new and very exciting things. Good luck Cal! http://snurl.com/goodluckcal [kara_allthingsd_com] ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Rotatspin Reductionism is a great way to bring a new twist to an old idea. Traditional platform games require you to move about and jump to avoid the obstacles, but in Rotatspin, the moving is done for you and you just need to time when to jump. Brilliant. http://armorgames.com/play/3577/rotatspin ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BEANS: PAN vs MICROWAVE? - MrTrent asks, "I remember some time ago some clever sod did science to determine if it was cheaper to make a cup of tea using a kettle or boiling the water in a pan. Maybe you could ask someone to similarly determine if it's cheaper to heat up a tin of beans in a pan or in the microwave?" Also you might want to consider the carbon footprint of burning gas on a hob vs the production of electricity. * BALANCE CHALLENGE - Sometimes, when bored, we like to balance books on our head and attempt to walk across the room. Maybe our more athletic readers could try a marathon with a pork pie on their head? * DIY SCISSORS - can you fashion your own scissors by riveting two kitchen knives together? Maybe you can. We don't know, that's why we're asking. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by El Guiri, Grouch76, TOther_Simon, codepo8, salad, sheepeatingtaz, burntbroccoli, arepeejee, gronkpan, Alexandra Hume Humphreys, TimWallington, littleghoti, liencam, Rev. Jesse. Top Tippery by dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan... Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Bela Lugosi's Dad. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Bulk buy all your buns from the supermarket and freeze them. When it comes to making your sandwiches, the butter will spread easier without tearing the bread. Come lunchtime at work, the bread will be defrosted but still lovely and chilled. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive