we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HEADS AND KNEECAPS... TRUNCHEON BLOWS... TRUNCHEON BLOWS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUESTION - Outdoor sex? * CHALLENGE - Shop The Police * SONG - Fucking cunt cunt cunt 2009 remix ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Goodbye Geocities... ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Rap, Cunts, Crilly and Robot Fear >> Eminem song remade for British current events << Dan Bull, whose awesome nerd gaming rap we featured a wee while ago is back with a new track, having a go at our beloved UK celebrities and politicians. The best hip-hop ever to name-check Jacqui Smith. http://snurl.com/wemadeyou [www_b3ta_com] >> "Fucking cunt" redux << Ah, the heady days of 2004. All nations of the world joined hands, dancing with flowers in their hair. And the song they were singing was 'Fucking Cunt'. After a lengthy hiatus, it's returned. "Please note," says proud composer Koit, "I have updated the animation to include new cunts." http://www.anna-ghislaine.com/koit/fc2009.html >> Crilly Fr << Here's a Monty Propps mashup of Father Ted with the Magnum PI music. Can it be a sin to splice together two things so thoroughly loved? Unless it's your kids, we guess. BTW Father Ted's titles also work well with Miami Vice. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crilly_Fr >> "I'm Scared" << Charming ditty from Joel about a mechanical nightmare sent from the future to destroy humanity. Poor Doombot 9000 is frightened of everything. http://rathergood.com/scared ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Super-Fans Last week we asked about the lengths you've gone to for your heroes. Worth clicking for grandmasterfluffles' story of how her strictly entre-nous fanmail made it into the national press: http://b3ta.com/questions/fans/ * I SMELL OF HAMMERS - "On the tube, bloke gets on and sits opposite. I glance up and recognise him instantly. It's uber-documentary maker, bumbling Brit abroad, Louis Theroux. I'd just watched his latest about a hospital for kiddy-fiddlers in California. So, being a gobby twat, I decided to show my appreciation. "Excuse me, mate - Excuse me..." I get his attention. Along with that of just about everyone else in the carriage. "I really loved that paedophile thing. Just wanted to say good work, mate." And I sit back with a knowing smile and a slight nod of admiration. And Louis looks at me with utter confusion and disgust. He buries his head in his paper. And then I start to feel the eyes of every fucking body in the carriage burn into my skin... And I realise with utter unadulterated fucking horror that this man is not, in point of fact, Louis Theroux - he just looks an awful lot like him. To my audience, I am some kind of paedo, who has just given his full, frank, and very public support to another." (SpankyHanky) * I AM JED - "Steve Coogan was doing a book signing in Bristol and a friend and I went to see him as we were big Partridge fans. So much so that we took along a 'hilarious' picture of my friend sat on the lap of a mock up Alan sitting in an armchair in our living room. We had a cut out and keep Alan Partridge mask as the head and we had recreated his body in 'Guy Fawkes' style, it was quite convincing. When my friend handed the photo over to Steve to sign, his face went white and all he could say was something along the lines of 'that is very disturbing'. He signed the photo 'you sick, sick people' or words to that effect. And that was that, until we sat down to watch the episode in the next series of the show, where Alan gets stalked by a mad fan... who has a entire room dedicated to Alan... with an armchair in the middle with a mock up 'Alan' very much like the one we had produced. In fact exactly like it. I am still waiting for the royalties..." (barrington) * I'LL BE YOUR RUBBER DUCKIE - "I went on TV aged 4, to do an interpretative dance for my two biggest heroes: Bert and Ernie. I got to meet them, then cried, then wet myself. On television. If you’re reading this, Bert and Ernie, I’m an adult now. If you’d like to get together for a chat over bottle of wine (pissing is extra), you can contact me via b3ta." (TheSnark) >> This Week's Question << We'd like to know all about your outdoor sexy times. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/publicsex/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Naked Barbie project << Bloke bashes together an 'anatomically correct' Barbie & Ken and harasses Mattel to start mass-production. Slightly harrowing pics of naked dolls getting new orifices drilled. http://www.zug.com/pranks/barbie/ >> Electro pee illustration << This is the path electricity takes through your body if you wee on a wire. Taken out of context though, it's still a fantastic image. http://snurl.com/electropee [www_flickr_com] >> How to make a baby << When we clicked on this we reckoned it was going to be twee, self-indulgent rubbish. It's not - and we applaud their clever use of the 'picture every day' meme. http://www.otherthings.com/howtobaby/ >> Measure your e-penis << Uses some sort of maths wizardry to assess your internet fame, measured by the size of your virtual cock. Neuromancer was never like this. Anyway, Rob enjoys an e-peen almost 3 meters long. http://www.epenis.nl >> Lost luggage << If you've misplaced any baggage at an airport recently, perhaps you can find a picture of it here - the site owner would really like to get it back to you. You'll also find pictures of everything that was inside the case, also meticulously photographed and on display. http://snurl.com/isthisyourluggage >> Goatse goes mainstream << Danish toilet tissue company wants to emphasise that it's product is 100% recycled. That's the apparent reasoning behind these glaringly repellant bog-roll dispensers. http://snurl.com/nowwashyourhands [adweek_blogs_com] ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Slow Loris loves getting tickled Too cute for words but we wonder if the tickling makes it emit some horrible skunk-like scent. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Slow_Loris_loves_getting... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Dub these off to VHS (but mind the Macrovision) >> Auto-Tune vs TV News << Auto-tune is the effect used on modern pop records that makes the vocals sound like daleks in a gay disco, but a rising meme has seen the technology being used for comic effect, from applying it to babies laughter to this example, adding it to the news. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_news_fed_through_an_... >> Scary old man sings Pretty Woman << Josef Fritzel-a-like 'Edarem' brings you his ode to the lovely ladies in his life, who may or may not be buried under the floorboards. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Old tech rhapsody << Blake 7's Orac and friends grind out a 4 part harmony to everyone's favourite rock opera. Is this some sort of cunning viral campaign for the HP ScanJet 3c that's filling in for Freddy? http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Office Synchronised Swimming << Remember the Malaysian prison officer who made his lags dance to Michael Jackson's Thriller? We can only assume a Russian pimp with a leg and show fetish is behind this curiously erotic display. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Office_Sychronised_Swimm... >> Electro beards << A Kraftwerk tribute act staffed by Linux programmers, enhanced by appalling 80s video effects. Banging. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Still not funny, still not cornery * HAIRY COFFEE - Rob Edwards confides, "I was in the local Lidl store earlier and noticed this delightful coffee. So I whipped out my phone and took a snap." http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/7161/photo0018s... * ALFONSO PRAT-GAY - A politico so proud of his dual funny name heritage that he double barrelled it. Cheers to Buenos Aires correspondent Stanley Wannard, who's been sniggering at the massive posters emblazoned all over the city. http://www.alfonsopratgay.com/index.htm ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Fluffy Disasters Challenge Last week we wanted to you to make nasty events nice. Your favourites included: * KITTEN - grinning junior feline destroys shop. Awww (WiL) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9368253 * BEAR - zoo-invading lunatic rescued by friendly bears. Awww (Vitalbalistix) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9363918 * TOMLINSON - dead man makes surprise appearance in comedy classic. Awww (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9370564 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fluffydisasters/ >> New challenge: Shop The Police << As the British Police Force comes under fire, your task is to produce images to help them out, to repair their damaged reputation and to encourage new recruits. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cops/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * ZORK TWITTER - Last week we asked for a version of ancient text adventure Zork that worked via twitter. Bigwayne writes, "Try sending a tweet such as '@zorkgame look'. It might fall over, the response speed maybe slower the the global recovery, but it only takes 5 seconds to send a tweet." * MORE OMEGLE NONSENSE - "Hello people from teh internets," hails Splather, "I discovered Omegle through B3ta, and decided to have a poke about on there. I think I've sparked some sort of new sport: causing people to rip their ethernet cable out of their machine and sit quivering, hoping the police don't pop round for a word." http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/jpg/quickchat.... * COMPETITION WINNERS - last week we asked you a tie-breaker to win copies of 'crunch: the card game.' Winners include Terence Eden, Khaaaaan, Brendan Quinn, Daniel, Robin Little, CanonCaliber, mr.BIG, TEAM MEGAFORCE!!!, hektik and Neil Mitchell. Losers can buy the game instead at: http://www.crunchthecardgame.com/thegame/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * COOKING CUCUMBERS - musing over our lunch today we were thinking how there's certain vegetables traditionally served raw, salad for instance whilst others such as potatoes invariably cooked. Can you conjure up a reverse dinner with roasted salad and a raw sausage? * GLOVE SPIDERS? - We've all seen sock monkeys, but what could you do with a glove? * AN ANTI-AIDS VIRUS - that and transmits sexually and prevents people getting HIV . You'd be morally compelled to have sex with as many people as possible in the name of public health. Win. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in via gronkpan, @nofunnyname, sancelle, jingle_man, codepo8, emilyd, @alnapp, @Grouch76. Top Tippery by Crap Little Monkey. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlos via prodigy69. The Great Wall of China was brilliant except for one thing: The Great Ladder of Central Asia. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Don't shave in a sink with running water. Boil a kettle and pour into a cup. You'll have a better shave and it's cheaper too. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I had a German plumber round the other day to fix my shower. He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply. I guess old habits die hard. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive