we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THURSDAY CANCELLED DUE TO RECESSION" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ARTY BOLLOCKS - If albums were paperbacks * QUESTION - Your shitty nightclub experiences * PHOTOS - Dead people & girls dressed as Daleks ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << We have the secrets of levitation. Talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Headlines are for girls >> If albums were paperbacks << "Hello Guardian Reading Middle-class media rebel types!" sneers LittlePixel, "I've embarked on remaking a set of classic record sleeves, as if Joe Stalin had won the Cold War and all popular beat combo releases were expressed in the form of modernist paperbacks like the penguin books in the sixties. Maybe you'll like them? - they're probably the records you listened to in your pot-noodle eating student waster days so there's easily as much nostalgia as a video of someone wanking to the sound of a ZX loader." Yes yes dearie, we'll indulge your rambling fantasy world as they actually look really good. http://snurl.com/bookemdanno >> Veitch celebrates Black Easter << Long term Satanist Joel Veitch has finally come out in his hatred of all things godly. He's literally conjured up the devil and in a final heresy he takes Satan's name in vain by giving him his own face and a potato for a best friend. Is it good? Is it rubbish? It's so bloody weird we can't tell. http://rathergood.com/posaitan >> Why computers are shit << According to Kirby, the answer is simple: it's like "writing a novel on a typewriter that dispenses pornography." He suggest you smash your laptops or at the very least switch off your WiFi. Never! We'd rather stick our cock in a George Foreman. Uh, the grill that is. http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/13_distraction_ma... >> Cat Face vs Lol Cats << Jonti has been banging his head against his keyboard in frustration that his own catty creations are not as popular as Lolcats. This is why: http://www.weebls-stuff.com/catface/Cat+Face+13/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Unemployed Last week we asked you for the upsides of not having a job in these troubled times. Worth a click purely for Spanky Hanky's story of self-abuse he now, erm, regrets: http://b3ta.com/questions/unemployed/ Maybe it's not having anything else to do, but for some reason everyone's stories are far too long for the newsletter. So here's The Dirty Weeker's Five Ages of Unemployment 1) ELATION: The sheer freedom! A time in your life where you can look forward and think, in the next few MONTHS you have absolutely nothing to worry about. You can go anywhere, do anything. Money might be a bit tight, but YOU ARE FREE! 2) HIBERNATION: Every day is the weekend. Sleep in until 11am. Then 12noon. Then 2pm. Then until when you get up it's actually dark outside. Your slumber is so deep and relaxing that time is of no importance now. 3) PROCRASTINATION: After 3 weeks of living like a vampire, those computer games you've over-played are becoming tiresome. You are increasingly frustrated with Phil and Fern's perpetual faux- happiness and smutty innuendoes. You are ready to smash the TV after yet another glorious and smug Jeremy Kyle outburst, but can't be bothered. 4) DEPRESSION: Months have passed and you can barely even sleep anymore. If you do it's at precisely the wrong time, perhaps when that girl you fancy is round and you miss everything. There is no structure to your life. It is sleep, watch daytime TV, eat shit, shit shit and then struggle in vain to sleep. Hygiene is out the window, self respect is at an all-time low. 5) SUICIDE: Tomorrow. Maybe. >> This Week's Question << Nightclubs. Thinly-disguised entrances to Hell where bad things happen. Tell us your dance-floor disasters: http://b3ta.com/questions/nightclubs/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Playing possum << Our favourite form of masturbation is to lay naked in front of a mirror, play dead and imagine we're wanking over a corpse. Not really; stiffs don't really give us stiffies, we're joking for "comic effect." Anyway, if you want to see lots of pillocks pretending they're corpses then click now, for tomorrow it may be too late. http://www.playdeadpics.com/ >> Mini studio sets << Coming on like a dollhouse for elderly homosexuals who works in TV, is this meticulous collection of miniature recreations of studio sets. Including The Golden Girls, Roseanne and The Brady Bunch. It's actually quite hard to tell them all apart, but it does make the point all these shows were filmed on a soundstage in front on an audience, and not (as we'd previously believed) in a real house. TV's magic spell is broken. BTW: We'd also like to see a flea circus version. Ideally of Curb Your Enthusiasm. http://snurl.com/ministudiosets >> Coffin dodgers << A great present for an elderly relative with wartime "waste not want not" attitudes, we bring you a shelving unit that turns into a coffin. Might be nice to get a small one for the kids' room. http://snurl.com/shelfishbastard >> Easy crap remix tool << Happy hardcore - remember that? Now you can make your own shit remix by uploading an MP3 and "putting a donk on it". Our shout goes out to the Pearly Kings of Cockney Land, Chas & Dave with their soon-to-be-donk classic Rabbit. http://www.donkdj.com/remix/48943/duplicates >> Girls dressed as Daleks << In what the B3ta missus describes as "horrid soft porn for nerds but you'll be playing to the gallery so stick it in" we bring you three passably-attractive young women dressed to give the I.T. cupboard a thrill. http://echidnite.livejournal.com/23690.html >> Mock the police << Not feeling very positive about the boys in blue at the moment - what with the Ian Tomlinson G20 death case and our own experiences of multiple burglaries then actually meeting the local coppers and realising that they're thick and are mostly imported from the provinces thus having less local knowledge than a cabbage. Anyway, their latest offering is a bunch of scare-mongering posters suggesting that we riffle through our neighbours' bins looking for bomb-making equipment. Make your own poster with this handy tool: http://jamesholden.net/billboard/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Kissing Kittens Our black hearts briefly thawed with this spectacular burst of uber fluff. It's like a unicorn ejaculating rainbows in your face. http://www.catspictures.net/2009/04/cats-in-love-p... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Sinister moving lanterns. Burn the witches. >> Dog sings and plays keyboard << Passing the test of "does it make a three year old laugh?" with flying colours, although our kidlet did then say, "Now I want spiders. Spiders!" comes a canine with a casio making music that's no so much sweet as bloody awful. Christ, we could do better and we're not even a dog. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Iron Man vs Bruce Lee << Making us realise once and for all that we're completely shit at stop-motion and we shouldn't even bother trying. Thanks guys. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Snatch Vs Star Wars << We've hated Guy Ritchie ever since we saw him on TV cunt-fest TFI Friday being all pally with Vinny Jones, and vowed never to watch his films and to flick poo on him should he ever pass us in the street. However, our ignorance of his oeuvre didn't stop us enjoying this Cockney Darth Vader mash-up. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Snatch_Wars_Snatch_Vs_St... >> Top 60 Ghetto Black Names << Racist? Probably. Wrong? Mostly. Funny? Definitely. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Top_60_Ghetto_Black_Name... >> Mittens: The Crime Solving Cat << From the people who brought you Charlie The Unicorn comes another amusing animal-related animation. This time starring... cats! Next week they'll revive hamsters as the premier way of getting the internet to lol. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER A building that looks like a cock you say? Florida is famous for three things: old people, orange juice and inventing fluoride. And now? Hopefully this fame-triumvirate will be shattered by having the finest cock-and-ball shaped building in the USA. http://snurl.com/spacecocks BTW: Smash Hits once asked Roland Orzabal of Tears for Fears, "what's the favourite plaything from childhood that you still have?" He answered, "My penis." ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Pop Goes The Movies Challenge Last week we wanted you to add pop stars to Hollywood blockbusters. Your favourites included: * HAMMER - Aardman Animations reveal a surprise addition to their Christmas Special line-up (The Great Architect) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9327528 * JADE - not a pop star, but surely only cancer denied us a cracking pop album from the peoples' princess (Griffy Savalas) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9326881 * WACKO - spicing up the nation's favourite Jewish musical with a single white glove and a chimp (prodigy69) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9325886 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/popmovies/ >> New challenge: Video Game Reality << Computer games are supposed to be fun, but we never consider the grim reality of what takes place. Show us what remains in the wake of all that death and destruction: the heartbreak, the grief, and the tragedy. Challenge suggested by valoukh. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/reality/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * HOVER BACON - long term readers will remember Joel's peculiar song about "pork with levitation", and will be pleased to see it sung by a old woman with a cockatoo. She's so mad, unlikely and funny we actually started to hyperventilate. http://b3ta.com/links/Hover_Bacon_sung_by_a_woman_... * DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? - "Hello," writes skeptobot, "I was that guy that tried to make the Oyster Card Wand thing that didn't work out (and now they've changed the way Oystercards work to stop you doing it, the sods). Anyhow I've made this: Basically I used Omegle.com, a chatroom that randomly pairs you with strangers to ask 36 people (& counting) whether they believed in God, and I've posted the answers I've got up there, regardless to whether they were good or awful answers." BTW: Interesting stuff - we just tried a similar thing and asked a few users, "do animals have souls?" and we can conclude using omegle to ask openish questions is vaguely good. http://doyoubelieveingod.tumblr.com/ * MORE BACON NONSENSE - "As a bacon-loving newsletter," barks Stuk, "I thought you may be interested in a BLT wrapwidge I made. It uses a bacon lattice from the Meat Sushi you featured a while ago, and wraps it around classic BLT ingredients to make something resembling a heart attack." He then continues in a fantastically successful ploy to make us link to him, "Always look forward to the newsletter. Keep the good work up!" http://thejunkyard.co.uk/ * ERRORS.NZ - 17 of you, that is, the entire population of New Zealand wrote in to point out our error in last week's newsletter. "Re: News anchor makes fun of lady's moustache," gibbers trigger_nz, "It was Paul Henry, not Paul Holmes. The first is a genius, the second a complete tosser. Not your fault though, the video was mislabelled." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * GUARDIAN API HACKS - amused to see this chart that plots the rise of cuss words in the Guardian. Now can someone use the same technology to test their spelling? (I know we can't talk, but hey, we don't even have staff let alone subs.) http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/pda/2009/apr/03/re... * INSTANT MASH-UP GENERATOR - milne_alec asks, "I want a site that will mash together two chosen websites." So typing in as tnaflix.com and cheese.com will give a strange mishmash of cheese and pornography? Fantastic. * PINT IN THE SUNSHINE APPLICATION - bu5ta also asks, "It's cold outside this time of year unless you're directly in the sunlight. How about an iPhone application that uses Google Maps/Earth to triangulate the height of buildings/ rotation of the sun to tell me where I can drink around London at any time and still stand in the sun? I don't have the expertise for this but reckon one of the b3tards will." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jon bounds, Terry, roystead, jdxnster, Rick-the-Dick, Willwillwritehiswill and bowi555. Twitter helpers: @ParkaBoi @sheepfilms @Daffydil Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Barbarossa did the subjlols. Geeky joke that we really like but thought too obscure for most: http://www.zazzle.com/css_is_awesome_mug-168716435... ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: How does Stephen Hawking run? On double A's. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive