we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "NEWSLETTER TO BE REPLACED BY TWITTER FEED LOLS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Lady beard * COCK - Joel gets his out * PRETEND BOOK - I Spot School Misery ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Stuff, nonsense and piffle >> I Spot School Misery << Your newsletter team of Rob & Dave found school pretty miserable really, but the silver lining is that E4 asked us to pour our experiences into the form of some kind of fake book. All voted for by you, lovely B3ta people. And absolutely riddled with obscure references to Smestow School of Wolverhampton circa 85 to 92. Oops, we've completely outed ourselves. http://www.e4.com/wtf/school/index.html >> 8-BIT Waterslide in REAL LIFE! << "Thought you might enjoy this video we made for a competition", pipes up Teaandcheese. "Feel free to vote but more importantly I hope you get a few laughs from it." Mostly we enjoyed the enormous amount of effort they've gone to to produce this. We once had 8 wanks in one day, which was an equally difficult achievement. http://www.b3ta.com/links/8_BIT_Waterslide_in_REAL... >> Cockenspiel << Veitch writes, "We've finally made the most advanced and realistic "playing a glockenspiel with your cock" simulator on the internets." Good stuff sir - what next? An anal sexaphone? http://rathergood.com/cockenspiel >> Weebl Vs Armageddon<< Jonti is getting his final payment for his "shed for babby" by pimping his egg-shaped creatures to sell egg-shaped chocolate. This one is riffing on Bruce Willis's Armageddon, where Brucey played an egg-shaped bald man dodging asteroids. As per usual, if you stay for the credits you'll get one of Jonti's special songs. http://tinyurl.com/ccwzk3 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Nativity Plays Last week we asked your earliest stage appearances - you know, back when the school play once a year had a part for _everyone_. Go read them, if only for A Bean Countin' Man's lovely tale of (nice) stalking: http://b3ta.com/questions/nativityplays/ * NOT NINJAS - "I can trump all of those "I was a tree" or "I played a cow" stories: in the second year junior school I played... a patch of darkness. Oh yes. Myself and 4 or 5 others dressed entirely in black with black face paint on a dimly lit stage. I don't think the headmaster liked me." (MrC) * COMING OUT OF THE TREES - "Last year my daughter played her first part in the school play: tree number 3 in sleeping beauty. The costume consisted of a large cardboard tube, a brown jumper and cardboard cut out of leaves taped to her hands. The plan was for the trees to be playfully hit by the prince the trees and fall down. The prince got to the first tree and swung his plastic sword Whack! The first tree-kid fell over. The prince galloped over to the second one and whack! Second tree-kid falls over too. The prince then wandered over to my kid and hit her. She stays stood. The prince whacked the tree again, this time a little harder. This time she moved, but not the way planned. My daughter has been brought up with two brothers and when there is a fight to be had she won't back down. The tree came alive, Whomping Willow style, uprooted itself and chased the (now in tears) prince off the stage. The now sobbing prince returns to stage holding a teacher's hand and is walked to Sleeping Beauty and wakes her up while off-stage the voice of a pissed-off tree yells, "He started it - he hit me first!" (mon bison) * RHUBARB - "I was about seven and was cast as one of the shepherds. We were to enter, stage left, talking amongst ourselves. There were no lines, just the instruction to 'talk amongst yourselves.' I asked a teacher what sort of thing we we should say and was told, "Just say 'rhubarb'." Now, I may not have been great at improvising dialogue, but I *was* good at organising and motivating... Enter stage left a group of shepherds, inexplicably bellowing "Rhubarb!" perfectly in unison. The following year I was a tree." (superscape) >> This Week's Question: scroungers << Dole scum? There must be an upside to not working. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/unemployed/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Before / after photoshopping << Cameras never lie but Photoshop does. Enjoy this large collection of before and after images that demonstrate the dark arts of the retoucher. If only you could do this in real life: we'd give our cat bigger tits. http://detouch.org/ >> ActionObama! << Obama isn't just a puppet of the New World Order - no really, he's literally a puppet. We particularly liked his detachable pointy finger - ideal for pointing at little ants and shouting, "are you part of the solution?" http://gamu-toys.info/sonota/sw/obama/obama.html >> Talk to strangers on the internet << Our mum told us never to talk to strangers, but then again she also told us we'd end up working on the bins and considered a 'sweet corn and sardine pizza' the height of cuisine. This site is extremely addictive, it's like almost like having friends. So tuck in, friendless: http://omegle.com/ >> The worst Star Trek costumes in history << Cosplay is the sport of winners, and only the real hotshots attempt Star Wars regalia with such cack-handed panache. It's like Paris fashion week for the blind. http://www.holytaco.com/worst-homemade-star-wars-c... >> Construction Mistakes << Stairs that lead to ceilings, CCTV cameras that point the back of an old telly and a cashpoint halfway up a side of a building. Bloody hell mate, you've 'ad the cowboys in ain't yer? http://www.crookedbrains.net/2009/03/construction.... >> Guess the state of her muff << NSFW. A collection of ladies, dressed normally, not looking like they might have "done porn". Your job, gentle reader, is to imagine the condition of their pant moustache, then click for the full hairy reveal. (NSFW and likely to be booted off blogspot pretty soon we reckon.) http://guesshermuff.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO This year's answer to CD-Rom >> News anchor makes fun of lady's moustache << Winning B3ta's coveted TV Personality of the Year 2009 is New Zealand's Paul Holmes who in the past described U.N bigwig Kofi Annan as a "cheeky darkie", New Zealand politician Tariana Turia as a "confused bag of lard" and his latest gaffe was not to shut up during a live broadcast about a woman with a tache. He makes Clarky look like a limp wristed pinko, and this is England, giving Paul an open invitation to come over here and save TV. http://snurl.com/tashlols >> Shatner eats pudding << We love the tubby Trek meister's almost sexual pleasure as he tucks into this pot of creamy dessert. Again. And again. And we know he keeps a few pots on his bedside table for those peckish night-time moments. Either that or someone's blown him up with a bicycle pump and forgotten to let the air out. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Steel Panther - Death to all but metal << For a brief moment in about 2003, the Darkness took the charts by storm with their oh so ironic take on rock. These guys do it better, taking the piss and making our hearts beat faster as they unleashed the power of metal. Justin must be spitting feathers as he sits alone in his council flat eating a pot noodle and wiping the tear-stains off his spandex. Brilliant. Make sure you watch right to the end. http://b3ta.com/links/Steel_Panther_Death_to_all_b... >> Stupid animal lols << Despite millions of years of evolution, animals are still as thick as pig shit. Silly cat. Silly hamster in wok. http://snurl.com/fishcatlols http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Attempts at funny from the autism hut * WOMB LOGO LOLS - "Couple of people at the University of Lincoln have been laughing at this new logo seen around campus", informs The Mong Arm Of The Law, "Earlier I got linked to a lovely image detailing it and I thought it was perfect for the newsletter." Heh, this almost could be called a smear campaign. http://snurl.com/wombwombshakethewomb * GOOGLE STREET VIEW BLUNDERS - Jon Bounds of 'Birmingham, it's not shit' fame writes, "Created by the way Google has stitched two of its Street View panoramas in Smethwick, take the advert for a film and a moving bus." Great! Next week we bring you U2's new chart topping bum. http://snurl.com/googlemyanus ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Wrongstructions Challenge Last week we wanted to you to mess with instructions. Your favourites included: * BACON - bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon (Barbarossa) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9307252 * DEATH STAR - serves 'em right for getting cowboy builders in (barryheadwound) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9306990 * POPE - The Vatican's change of heart on contraception was introduced in spectacular fashion (BobilFlass) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9314279 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wrongstructions/ >> New challenge: Pop Goes The Movies << Time was, any pop star worth their salt would make a shit movie to earn a few quick quid (even Slade made one). Now it's just rappers. What films would YOUR favourite pop stars appear in? Challenge suggested by Joe Scaramanga http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/popmovies/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BLOGS VS SCOTTISH TABLOIDS - following on from the recent internet revolt against the Scottish Sunday Express VS Dunblane survivors story, comes Jamie Ross, a young writer currently blogging his experiences with cancer and trying to make it as a comedy writer. He's not too happy that the Scottish Sun ripped lumps of his blog and edited it down to a 'poor, brave, cancer survivor' story. Anyway, tuck in if you like internet rows, and frankly we do. http://snurl.com/seriousinternetbusiness ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * PRINTABLE BOOK COVERS FOR BOOKS YOU'RE EMBARRASSED TO READ IN PUBLIC - currently we're working our way through the Charles Manson murder biog Helter Skelter, it's got a truly frightening cover and we had to make a DIY dust-cover from a sheet of A4 so we could read it in a children's playground without looking like a mental. However the official B3ta wife now thinks we made ourselves look like we were reading porn. In front of children. * CHOCOLATE TEAPOT EASTER EGGS - yes we know we've covered choccy teapots before, but with Easter coming up wouldn't they make the perfect gift for the useless idiots in your life? You could say, "you're as useful as a chocolate teapot" and they'd have to accept the insult because it would be made of lovely, luscious chocolate. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PRODUCT DESIGN FOR THE WIN. * BISCUIT MASHUPS - Custard Dodgers, Gypsy Bourbons, and Figgy Hobnobs. Biscuits 2.0 is coming and if you don't step up to the plate then you're a crummy bastard. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff twittered in by @j2n4me, @frizfrizzle, @iainthomson, @c_j_s. Other stuff via email / or the board from Floppy Donkey, Monty Propps, Professor Kenny Martin and GomiNoSensei. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Bono joke from FishNChimps. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via Emvee AKA Rob Lees Jones, who once turned up at our house in a skirt. New world order? Was that the one with John Barnes rapping on it? #fallowfriday @crop_rotation @top_soil @nitrogen and not forgetting the @1933_Agricultural_Adjustment_Act AND AND AND, we might have got to this a bit late but has everyone seen this giant cock on a roof? http://snurl.com/giant_cock_on_a_roof ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.... http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive