we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU JANE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BULLSHIT - are teh webs full of it? * KILL BILL - in 60 seconds or less * GOOGLE - StreetView Sightseeing ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Bullshit, Red Carpet and Goo >> Bureaucratic bullshit detector << "The Local Government Association has compiled a list of bullshit terms that should not be used by councils," explains Santa Claws. "My detector checks websites and rates them for their levels of bullshit. Thanks to chart cat for coming up with the idea (last week's newsletter." http://ruletheweb.co.uk/b3ta/bullshit/ >> Being a paparazzo is harder than it looks << "On Sunday I was invited to be a journalist on the red carpet at the BAFTAs," confesses Stu. "Trouble is, I absolutely fucking sucked at it." He's made a pleasing video of himself, standing in the rain, a bit out of his depth, bellowing celebrities' names, then muttering insults as they pass by without stopping. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Goo & the City << Jonti adds a delicious chocolate coating to the Sex & the City girls in his latest Goovie. Chris the Ninja Pirate looks worryingly sexy as Miranda. http://www.goovies.co.uk/goocity.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK God. Religion. Churches. Last week we decided to provoke a religious war, mainly as an excuse to smite the heathens. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/god/ * "The Creation. Dear God. Pictures or it didn't happen." (Anthropos) * "Any of you so much as fucking twitch and I will kill you, and your whole family. Next week I'll be summarising the New Testament." (apeloverage) * "Day 2 in heaven... and Jade is up for eviction." (nappy rash) >> New question: Nativity Plays << We'd like you to blither amusingly on about your childhood experiences of nativity plays. And if you have nothing to say on the subject then please use /offtopic rather than posting on the main thread. Cheers. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/nativityplays/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> A lot of Kate Bush animated gifs << Timely reminder of just how endearingly odd Kate Bush was (and remains). These short animated gifs showcase the peculiar costumes and the disturbing gyrations. But it was the crazy eye-acting that melted us completely. http://snurl.com/babushka [fourfour_typepad_com] >> Genius music marketing << What with downloads eroding bands' traditional revenue streams, we have to salute former Nine Inch Nails drummer Josh Freese. You can download his album for $7, but the more money you pay the more additional goodies he'll throw in. For $50 he'll call you up and thank you personally. For $1000 the extras include him coming round your house and doing your laundry. It goes on from there. Joel Veitch: are you reading this? http://snurl.com/loveyoulongtime [mashable_com] >> Google Sightseeing << Obviously, everybody has spent the last week playing about on Google's funky new StreetView that lets you wander round 3d views of real locations. Here's an ongoing Twitter feed, with people pointing out the odd and unusual things they've glimpsed via the all-seeing internet magic. Who needs to actually leave the house anymore? https://twitter.com/gsightseeing >> Scanwiches << Mouth-watering selection of deli sandwiches, cross-sectioned and placed on a flatbed scanner. The mayonnaise must be a bugger to get out of the scanner gubbins is all we can say. http://scanwiches.com/ >> Gynaecological animals << Some of these are pushing it a bit to find a resemblance. We've never met a girl whose special area looked like a flying monkey. But, hey, perhaps we're just not as worldly as we'd like to think. http://snurl.com/fannyzoo [www_thefrisky_com] >> 'Ultimate' workstation << An amazing, swivelling computer desk that allows you to work from any height, including sliding a bed under it. So now your 72-hour Warcraft binge won't cost you a bad back. Just your job. http://www.officeorganix.com/Eropod500.htm ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEEPS HAVE BEEN MAKING PART TWO Kill Bill, Complaints and Nerdy Tech >> The Abridged Kill Bill << By popular demand, Cap'n and crew have followed up their epic 60-second Forrest Gump with a slightly shorter version of both Kill Bills. Nice fight scenes. This is a great way of saving time you'd waste at the cinema; next go, we suggest they tackle Tarkovsky's 7-hour original Solaris. http://snurl.com/1minutekill [www_b3ta_com] >> Foolish complaints << "I wrote a ton of idiotic letters to companies, claiming, for example, that IKEA's sofa teleported me to Paris and that Sugar Puffs smell of wee," scribes Chad. His surreal rantings have generated some surprisingly nice replies from bored customer service types. Here's him moaning that he found TV's Jeremy Spake in a tub of Brylcreem. http://snurl.com/thusspakezarathustra >> Bassline Synthesizer in Flash << One for the old-school electronic music crowd. The hedgehog can never be buggered at all's flash project does exactly what it says on the tin. http://joost.zeekat.nl/bassline.html ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO We're backing betamax >> Japanese black-face << One benefit of broadening your cultural horizons is you can witness and marvel at how other cultures do their strange racist lols. This is a sumptuous feast indeed. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Bam! Cock Shot! << Relentlessly chirpy infomercial for a cock-punching, labour saving appliance. "It's a real time saver!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cock_Shot >> The tropical Isle of Wight << It's easy to mock an attempt to bring Caribbean cred to the Isle of Wight tourist trade by making a reggae song about it. It's a demented idea and we laugh derisively. On the other hand, it has actually made us want to go see the place. Looks nice. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Tormenting telemarketers << Blokey has a bash at winding up a cold-caller by answering all of his questions with "yes". Good to the very last drop. http://snurl.com/cantsayno >> How to destroy a Creme Egg << Crafty little viral from a few years back shows an elaborate Heath Robinson machine winding up to smash a gooey confectionary treat. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Bag-head cat << Pudgy feline accidentally pushes his head into a paper bag. Rather than going mental though, he rather seems to enjoy it and wanders sedately round, looking absolutely ridiculous. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Double cocks, single blooper * ROOF COCK - Everywhere this week was this story about Rory McInnes, 18, who drew a penis on his parents' roof in the hope it would get photographed by Google Earth. http://snurl.com/roofcock * COUNTDOWN BLOOPER - kevmaguire confesses, "Just spotted from a friend - he's one of those 'big London trendy fashion designer' people but sits at home watching Countdown all day" http://bit.ly/l9rXP * PHALLIC LOGO - yeah yeah, we do these all the time but this is a FINE example. (Thx axemanbob) http://www.monmouthshirehousing.co.uk ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Food Challenge Last week we wanted to know where food *really* comes from. Your favourites included: * CHEERS - Kelsey Grammar articulates the entire food experience http://www.b3ta.com/board/9289570 * PANDA - the origins of the ultimate organic smoothie (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9285318 * MEAT FACE - nothing but the finest cuts in this children's meaty treat (legohead) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9286100 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/food/ >> New challenge: Wrongstructions << 1. Use google to find some instructions. 2. Use photoshop to make them wrong. 3. BTW: These instructions can be words or pictures. The world is your plaything. Challenge inspired by The Coast Of Yemen http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wrongstructions/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * APOLOGIES TO MOOB - who sent this in before Pancake Day and we forgot to post it. However, we find it funnier now that it's out of time. It has an expectant, plaintive quality. http://isitpancakeday.com/ * TOP TIPS HORSESHIT AS USUAL - Arsenic writes, "Water plants with vegetable cooking water? Not if you've added a pinch of salt. It'd build up in the soil every time and probably kill the plant someday." Maybe we hate plants? Maybe we want CO2 levels to rise? Maybe out of control climate change gives us the horn? Because we want everyone dead. Especially Michael Didd who had a bigger cock than us aged 12, and used to wave it around in the school shower. Pillock. Hope you get climate change on your fucking balls, Michael!! ...and breathe. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Widescreen Tetris Things that have no need to be wider: * Our fat internet bums * Ladies' vagina bits * And, of course, Tetris http://sovietrussia.org/f/src/tetoris.swf ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WII YOUTUBE JOKE MASH - robinholden requests, "I was enjoying the recent Wii competition and I would like someone to make an app which will animate a moving Wii controller over the web video of your choice?" Is there a brainiac out there who can make this man's dreams come true. * MISSING WORD GOOGLEoTRON - X is the lowest form of wit: Sarcasm (80%), punning (15%), Quoting Dr Johnson (5%) X is the opium of the masses: Religion (95%), Tea (5%) You get it? Thanks to sabre-tooth monkey for the lovely suggestion. * GOOGLE STREET VIEW GAMES - maybe draw a cock on your face and chase the Street View cars? It would be like Where's Willy. Or get an exercise bike and balance a laptop on the handle-bars, and 'cyber-cycle' to the shops. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Ad7, Gingey, hamzahbaig, ma0sm, Christian Sora, jessekillerkay and CapnChkn. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Ukrainian bar-snacks to b4ta. Subjlols via Prof UnderCover. (---boss+++) Forget making U2 pay tax - we heard their last album and Bono should have to pay reparations for war crimes. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Does anyone else think "Don't Fuck with Shilpa Shetty" t-shirts would be a good business idea? BTW: 133 pages of Jade Goody jokes? So many, in fact, that when poor old Jade karked it the server died with her from the unexpected level of interest. 4EVA IN OWR HARTZ. http://snurl.com/133pagesofjadegoodyjokes next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive