we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "JADE'S LAST ISSUE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUESTION - Worst thing you've done with a penis? * Mutated Monty - Back with the mentals * Veitch - Wanky Shit Demon 2 ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Your link, our newsletter, credit-crunch prices. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Stuff, nonsense and tomfoolery >> Forrest Gump, one minute, one take << The Tom Hanks tear-jerker reduced by Cap'n to its basic elements, which mostly appear to have been made of cardboard. Watch this rather than the original and save several hours of your life for something worthwhile instead. http://b3ta.com/links/Forrest_Gump_in_one_minute_i... >> Wanky Shit Demon 2 - The Awankening << Joel emails effusively, "Hooray! A sequel to the Wanky Shit Demon! It is a thing of great beauty!" Good to see Joel's returned to his early ethic - simply try to be as foul as possible. http://rathergood.com/demon2 >> Mutated Monty's Bits & Bobs << "Here's a compilation of left-over weirdness I had lying around," chirps mutated monty. "I recommend the high-quality version." This is, as ever, the sight and the sounds of an impending mental breakdown. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bits_and_Bobs >> Use Twitter to make sentences << "Got bored this weekend and so threw this together," shirks BlueHaze, "It uses the Twitter API to finish off sentences that you start, often with hilarious, unexpected or even rubbish results." http://www.meandr.net/ >> Weebl vs. Sunshine Movie << Newly-responsible Jonti Picking, in his quest to pay for a shed to "keep babby in" is continuing his Cadburys Creme Egg themed advertising. Picking mumbles and slurs, "Sunshine was one of the best and most overlooked films of 2007, a taut psychological thriller and great up till the bit it turns into a monster flick. Anyway I've fixed the monster problem in MY version." http://www.goovies.co.uk/gooshine.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Puns We asked you last week for your best puns. Hopefully this means you won't clog up all the other QOTW's with this shit in the future. http://b3ta.com/questions/puns/ * "The people of Dubai do not find The Flintstones funny, but the people of Abu Dhabi do." (Dr Skagra and kingnutter) * "The Beach Boys walk into a bar: "Round?" "Round?" "Get a round." "I get a round?" "Get a round." etc." (The Supreme Crow ) * "Ah, Harry," Remus Lupin folded his hands to rest down on his desk, brown eyes weary with the burden of what he had to tell him, "I'm afraid that young Miss Granger is correct. I am a werewolf." Harry recoiled in both fear and disgust, anger flaring as his trust for his professor crumbled away underneath his clenched fists. "What?! Are you fucking serious?!" Lupin's eyes closed just briefly in thought as he nodded slightly. "Yes, that too." (Aruu) >> This Week's Question << What's the worst thing you've done with a penis? http://b3ta.com/questions/pythonshame/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates= >> Webcam stop-motion << Fun site that lets you make mad little animated movies, using your webcam. When you see people messing around with their laptops on the train, this is probably what they are up to. http://www.piterwilson-toys.com/wcsmt2/ >> Take an anxiety shit << We find that to take a shit we need to feel relaxed so that we can open our sphincter and let the poopy-poos drop out. Others believe that heightening stress is the way to go. We reckon we couldn't shit in this bog - or that one with the one-way glass. http://www.coloribus.com/paedia/prints/2009/03/11/... >> Bad Paintings of Barack Obama << Truly awful paintings of famous people are funny. They work as harsh caricatures, making a celeb look mentally ill, deranged, or simply with his skin hanging weirdly after a stroke. What's not to enjoy? http://badpaintingsofbarackobama.com/ >> Web with added bacon << Adds a delicious-looking rasher of bacon to any site of your choosing. Everything's better with bacon, right? http://snurl.com/takethatveggiebastards >> De-yellow your retro consoles << An assortment of vintage computing enthusiasts have solved the mystery of the ages and developed a technique to restore mouldering collectibles to their former (beige) glory. BTW: The Dave Stevenson mentioned here is no relation our Dave - who only wishes his nickname was 'Merlin'. http://retr0bright.wikispaces.com/ >> Blowguard << Novelty sex toy that avoids teeth meeting johnson while performing a blow-job. Enjoyed that one of the selling points is "Designed by a Dentist". NSFW, probably. http://blowguard.com/home.html ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Your guide to the best laser disk releases >> SSD awesomeness << Our very own CR3, coder for B3ta and Sickipedia is now the star of an internet viral to promote Samsung SDD drives. We're very proud of him as A. We helped him the get the job at the agency and B. It's already had over a million views on YouTube because it's actually a really good bit of work. Give the lad a raise. http://snurl.com/paulcurryforinternetpresident >> Sleepwalking dog! << This is why you shouldn't wake up sleepwalkers. Twitchy sleeping dog. Tip top comedy ending. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sleepwalking_dog >> Brad Neely - Fuck the Humans << "If this doesn't make next week's newsletter," blackmails Lord_Munkee, "then it'll be a shit newsletter..." Well, we're sticking it in - mainly as we like the idea of poo being jewellery. But we can still promise you that it's a shit newsletter. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brad_Neely_Fuck_the_Huma... >> Radiohead on Mario Paint Composer << Paranoid Android is one of the most epically miserable rock tunes of the 90s. Somehow its pathos remains, even rendered in Mario Paint. http://snurl.com/okconsoleputer >> Ben Goldacre vs. MMR reporting << You may have seen the hoo-hah a few weeks ago with Goldacre getting peeved at a LBC radio show spreading the usual crap about MMR, and then the lawyers naively trying to close the debate by playing the copyright card. The internet responded with the "Streisand Effect", i.e. lots of blogs re-hosted the audio. Anyway, it's all summed up rather nicely on ITV1's London Tonight. BTW: Also worth checking out is the blog by reporter Nick Wallis who describes the process of putting the report together with a pleasing can-do clarity. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Yay_Ben_Goldacre ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Sex dwarf Thyrf dribbles - "A bunch of us started a new job last year. It only took the existing staff a whole day before they mentioned his name. Scoffing in doubt, we didn't acknowledge it until one slow afternoon resulted in looking through the corporate address book." Hmm, amused as we are, isn't there some serious data protection / getting yourself sacked issue going on here? http://www.b3tards.com/u/afae739d69c88855a28f/rand... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Credit Crunch TV Challenge Last week we wanted you to predict how the financial crisis will affect TV programming. Your favourites included: * TREK - even the most popular TV franchises will see their budgets slashed (Tribs) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9237684 * SKY - while the people losing their jobs are always the last to know (Greedo) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9238215 * COCKNEY - and Eastenders brings back an old favourite to save money (Frogbeat) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9237573 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creditcrunchtv/ >> New challenge: Font Jokes << This week we you to you to use your photo-magic skills provide us with fontLOLs - yes, jokes about fonts. C'mon. Jokes. About. Fonts. Challenge inspired by Ninj. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fontjokes/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SPIDER CASH - pastapappie whispers, "In issue 367 iowaseven asked for a credit card with a picture of a $233.95 spider on the front. Since my card was nearly expired and my bank lets me choose a custom picture I figured, why the hell not? The result is a little blurry thanks to the lack of a decent camera, but it can be seen here." http://tweakers.net/ext/f/He3nrZSJT1XZwottf6LkGWtR... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * JAFFA CAKE DONUTS: Like a donut but with a smashing orangey filling and chocolate on top. eViLegion and HappyToast challenge you to make this happen. They've already written a long rambling email to McVities... http://www.b3ta.com/board/9264105 * MOBILE PHONE HIP FLASKS - on considering the problems of an alcoholic - you need to carry booze on you at all times and yet you need to keep it secret. So why not hip flasks disguised as handy objects that you ALREADY carry about with you all day? "Fantastic, a phone call from Mr Booze. I'll need to take this in the other room." *glug* *glug* *glug* * SPEED CHALLENGE PENCIL SHARPENING - How long does it take you to grind a new pencil entirely into shavings? No cheating using electric sharpeners mind you. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via raerth_. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Captn Hood-Butter. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What do you call a tall guy who can masturbate 10 times in a single day? No, it's not a joke - I need to know what to put on my CV. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive