we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "A LUMP IN YOUR INBOX THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LOOKED AT SOONER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PROPOSAL - Marry a B3ta lady! * ANIM - Kitten warfare * QUESTION - Worst flatmates ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're not really ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Kitten war, Graybloke Facebloke, Narwhals and Marriage >> Kitten War << "I've got a real epic this week," beams a proud Joel Veitch. "Weep at the futility of war. Weep at the lost innocence. Weep at the horror... the horror... of Kitten War!" (no relation to the famous website of the same name) http://rathergood.com/kitten_war >> Weebl vs. Ghostbusters << Jonti Picking is a lovely man who used to live in B3ta HQ until he met his charming wife and moved out to make babies. Recently he's been beavering away making adverts for Cadbury's Creme Eggs, and the latest is based on the movie Ghostbusters. These choccy webspots are in a series of five, with the next one parodying Sci-Fi epic Sunshine. Anyway, make sure you watch it so Jonti can afford some baby wipes and nipple cream. BTW: He also tells us that he's working on a TV ad for a 118 service based upon the Magical Trevor tune. http://www.goovies.co.uk/goobusters.html >> Graybloke talks social networking << Madriot's monochrome alter-ego reminds us all why we're hesitant to go on Facebook. "I was quite pleased with this one," explains the divine Mr M. "Even though it's painfully close to being my reality. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Graham_talks_social_netw... >> B3ta lady wants husband << "I am a 23 year-old student in my final year at art college," writes Alexandraaa, "As part of my course we have to complete a final major project. For mine, I am going to attempt to find myself a husband over the next three months. I am not getting any younger and really don't want to end up as a bitter old spinster, covered in cats. Do you know anyone who fulfils the following criteria and would be willing to date me? 1. Male; 2. As tall or taller than me; 3. Sense of humour." If any readers fancy getting married in the name of art, then check out Alexandraaa's blog where she'll "endeavour to update my progress, and hope to be able to exhibit a marriage certificate as my final piece in the exhibition." http://joyfulcynicseekssimilar.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Hypocrisy Last week we wanted your tales of hypocrisy and got enough ranting and moralising to fill a tabloid letters page for months: http://b3ta.com/questions/hypocrisy/ * CARMA - "I'm actually ashamed of this one as I nearly killed myself and 2 other people doing this. I was driving home and came to a village with a 40mph limit. Unfortunately, I was doing about 70 at the 40 limit sign. The roundabout was just after the sign and there was no way I was going to stop. Ever. So I didn't and flew across the mini(ish) roundabout at about 65. Right across the front of the car on my right which I damned nearly hit. My reason for not stopping? I was on the phone. Who to? The guy who I nearly hit. The hypocrisy? We were just telling each other we really shouldn't be on the phone while driving - shortly before a scream from him and his OH as "some crazy bastard has just driven over the roundabout at breakneck speed nearly killing us all.... Hang on JTW - was that you???" (james_tiger_woods) * MJOLNIR-ENVY - "Religious 'moralists' who condemn what I do as a geneticist, citing that I shouldn't be "playing God"... I don't condemn you for "playing Thor" every time you go to hang a new painting of Jesus with your handy hammer. Get with the millennium." (jme) * DON'T KNOW WHERE - "That Vera Lynn - pretends to be all into animal rights, when her whole lifestyle is based on royalties from a song about whale meat." (apeloverage) >> This Week's Question << We've returned to that QOTW comedy goldmine, housemates. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/housemates/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Tiny Art Director << Bloke asks his four-year-old daughter what he should draw. Then she tells him how much she hates his work. e.g. "Stupid ugly angry monkey. I hate him. His tummy and his belly button and his eyebrows and his hands and his feet. And his head too." http://tinyartdirector.blogspot.com/ >> Pissglass << Classy tableware for your sophisticated dinner parties. Works best with drinks that resemble urine. http://snipurl.com/pissglass [gizmodo.com] >> "My beautiful menstrual cycle" << Day-by-day pictures of a woman's cervix in full-on gynaecological detail. There's a fair amount of blood. Yes, we knew that'd get you fapping. NSFW. http://www.beautifulcervix.com/photos-of-cervix/ >> Backwards game plots << Twitter-inspired collaborative effort at pitching games which reverse existing video-game plots. Eg. Donkey Kong: "Pauline takes her boyfriend to the top of a building. There, she dumps him for a giant ape, and the heartbroken plumber climbs down the scaffolding." http://snipurl.com/bulimicpacman [justonemoregame_wordpress_com] >> Check out word of the day << This is either the unfortunate consequence of using a random dictionary or a particularly public way to kiss goodbye your employment on Scrabble's website. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Check_out_word_of_the_da... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Almost funny, sometimes... >> Robert Webb does Flashdance << Best known for his low-key performance in Peepshow - who knew that Robert Webb had it in him to pull off physical comedy? And he's really good at dancing, and we kinda fancied him in a completely "oh shit we're gay" kinda way, like when Roger Taylor from Queen dressed as a schoolgirl. As submitter planearm says, "Definitely worth the licence fee for this alone!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Robert_Webb_performing_F... >> Stop-motion rapist musical << Yes, that's right; a stop-motion rapist musical. Critics long considered it impossible to sensitively tell the story of basement rape-dad Josef Fritzl in song, dance and plasticine. This does not prove them wrong: breathtakingly offensive. http://www.b3ta.com/links/under_the_floor >> Shake a Tail Feather << This little parakeet's whole-hearted appreciation of vintage R&B can't fail to raise a smile on even the thinnest of lips. http://snipurl.com/isitaparakeet [www_b3ta_com] >> Rollercoaster Tycoon massacre << There's a whole genre of videos, building an in-game rollercoaster to cause the most catastrophic loss of human life. This one has the inspired idea of having people queue along the track. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rollercoaster_Tycoon_Mas... >> The evils of coffee << French animated cautionary tale on the perils of overindulgence in the little brown cup of death. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_evils_of_caffeine >> Give us our money back! << Blokey takes it on himself to go collecting donations from Royal Bank of Scotland employees under the guise of organisation GMBYC. He proceeds to tell them it stands for 'Give Us Our Money Back You Cunts'. Must admit, we also enjoyed seeing him then get a bollocking from the police. http://snipurl.com/giveusourmoneyback ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Lots of stuff for you to click, woo hoo! * GOATSE WIN? - "In the constant quest for finding Goatse-like logos, I think I've struck goatse gold (if you can imagine such a thing)," whimsies garethterrace. "A heating company which associates itself with many flavours of goatse, judging by the various different coloured Mini-goatses they go for on the website." http://www.heatexltd.co.uk/ * NO, REALLY, HOW COULD THEY? - "I feel sure that somebody must have pointed this out already," opines hjb303, "Has nobody informed Burger King of the UK slang phrase associated with their new miniature meaty product?" http://www.bk.com/#menu=2,91,-1 * CLICK THIS, GO ON - "Another improbable name," shames meepmeep, "This one cannot be real." http://snipurl.com/blametheparents [news_bbc_co_uk] * AND THIS ONE, CLICKY-CLICK, "The missus and I were being nice and middle class the other evening," chatters Che Grimsdale, "listening to the arts programme on BBC R4. We both sprayed our tea over the rug when they mentioned a certain French actress. See, in French the surname is pronounced 'ardon, in case you didn't know." http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000272/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Wii Challenge Last week we wanted you to design the Wii games Nintendo won't. Your favourites included: * MONTY - it's only a virtual fleshwound (c_kick) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9198886 * JOUST - horse not included (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9200596 * NAZI - the ever-popular bunker diversion (benkai) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9200384 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wii/ >> New challenge: Evolution << David Attenborough keeps banging on about evolution, but he can't see where it's headed. Show him how frogs, giraffes, monkeys, people and the rest will evolve to cope with whatever the future holds. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/evolution/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BEST OF TUBEDUBBER - "SauronWibble submitted this," chirps Bobsworth, "It's so terrible and incorrect in every way, and so hilarious." Yep, Virginia Tech Massacre is now officially funny. Hooray, and a one-way ticket to Hull please. http://snipurl.com/vtechlols [tubedubber_com] * WORD REPLACEMENT GAGS - ben_dadds smirks, "re: substituting words in films; For many years the replacement of the word "Fight" with the word "wank" in the 8 rules of Fight Club have kept me consistently amused." The 8 Rules of Wank Club. 1st RULE: You do not talk about WANK CLUB. 2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about WANK CLUB. 3rd RULE: If someone says "stop" or goes limp, taps out the WANK is over. 4th RULE: Only two guys to a WANK. 5th RULE: One WANK at a time. 6th RULE: No shirts, no shoes. 7th RULE: WANKs will go on as long as they have to. 8th RULE: If this is your first night at WANK CLUB, you HAVE to WANK. * THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN - Waynster states, "Regarding this week's newsletter and request for the Sisters of Mercy/Scooter video. I am in the process of trying to go one better - my mate is the bass player in the Sisters of Mercy (and a big fan of Scooter, it turns out). He's here in Amsterdam this week and I have mentioned your request, so maybe he can persuade the band to cover a Scooter song during sound-check or something, just for b3ta. If its possible, I'll make sure to video it and send it over. Can't promise, but if they sample a lot of the local produce they may indeed go for it. Fingers crossed - I've let my mate know and am just awaiting the feedback. He's the sort to maybe go for it!" * MOST CONFUSING LOST EMAIL OF THE WEEK - brianarmstrong2 writes, "I love the bill so i dont know why your just going to show it ones a week so can you please leave it twice a week four you had it three times then twice now you are going to cut it down aagain.so please leave it as it is please.please e-mail me please and tell me why your going to cut it pleease. thankyou.Brian" Um, quite how anyone can confuse B3ta with a major UK TV broadcaster is mind-boggling. We're a website with crappy animated gifs on it that hasn't been properly updated since 2001. FFS! ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Don't Poo Your Pants "I found this awesome game recently," shouts Jody, "Simple narrative and very few options, but enough scope (using achievements) for players to replay several times. The illustrations make it more interesting too." http://snipurl.com/dontshityourpants ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * THISCAUSESCANCER.COM = Peter Davison blithers, "This week, I have read on the Daily Mail that Facebook causes cancer. And on the BBC, drinking ONE GLASS A DAY also causes it. I'd love some sort of RSS feed just to see how ridiculous scientific journalism gets. Get one of the newsletter readers to do it." * SPIDER CARDS - "You know how some credit card companies let you get a custom photo on the front of your credit card?" blurts iowaseven. "How bout one with the $233.95 spider on the front?" * RANDOM ACTS OF DINNER-PARTY - "I have an idea for THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE," chortles ljl of w-rabbit.com fame, "walk out your front door and invite the VERY first person you see over to dinner." Send contributions via the mail form. Or even suggestions of things you'd like to see. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Seventh, Dang, amoebaboy, the_log_knows, UTB, Pointy Head, and planearm. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Holly Would. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: My girlfriend came round unexpectedly the other day. That's the last time I buy Tesco Value chloroform. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive