we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "ANOTHER WEEK OF OUR PATHETIC LIVES SQUANDERED" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * TOY - The Youtube Dubber * VEITCH - in funnyish song shock * RETRO GAMING - a rap tribute ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Toys, songs and japes for Nazis >> The Youtube Dubber << Clever Bobsworth has made a thing that lets you add the soundtrack from any youTube video to the video of any other. Huzzah! http://snurl.com/teletubbiesvsramstein >> Bullion! << Joel is branching out into financial advice with this message for credit crunch-stricken savers: Buy bullion! http://rathergood.com/bullion >> Generation Gaming << "Hello," raps Dan Bull. "I made this song and video chronicling all the consoles and games I've owned since I were a nipper." Dan knows the quickest way to our flinty hearts is through a massive injection of techie nostalgia. http://snurl.com/heyhey32bits >> Practical joke on the future << "I did a spot of decorating last year," explains VicJameson. "So took the opportunity to set up a little practical joke for the future. It's just a shame I won't be there to see the pay-off." For the benefit of non-German speakers, the accompanying text reads 'I've had my eye on you'. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ive_Had_My_Eye_On_You ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Darwin Awards Last week we wanted your brushes with the Grim Reaper through sheer foolishness. We don't want to call our members stupid, but there's an awful lot of stories here: http://b3ta.com/questions/darwin/ * SUCKER - "First year at Uni, living in a 'Luxury, Catered Hall Of Residence'. We had fortnightly room inspections, the first of which I passed with flying colours, but was told to "hoover the carpet". Fair enough, I thought. The municipal Henry had died in an attempt to see how many pints of water some morons could feed it before it exploded. Five, apparently. It was 13 days before we got a replacement. So, the morning of the next inspection, I crawled out of bed, the room spinning from a night of too much cheap vodka and not enough sleep. I started hoovering. I wondered how powerful the suction was. I decided to put the pipe in my mouth. Turns out that a hoover can suck all the air out of your lungs, leaving you unable to breathe and a horrible dry feeling, deep inside. Takes a good fifteen minutes to recover from this rapid evacuation, during which time the room inspectors will find you, on the floor, mostly naked." (Kaol) * STUFFER - "When I was six I happily sat out in the garden and proceeded to jam the heads of my lego men up my nose. I managed about eight before I felt a bit woozy. I went to tell my mum about my achievement. She was not very happy, not very happy at all, as I was covered in blood and snot. One brief operation later, I remember a nice old man who looked like Obi Wan Kenobi telling me not to do it again. All went well for a couple of months, then I was back in casualty. This time I had managed to jam my R2D2 figure up my arse and the legs had come off inside me and were doing all sorts of mischief to my colon." (SpankyHanky) * SPACKER - "It's common sense that water and electric don't mix, which I why as a 7 year old running around my house having a water fight, I panicked after firing a shitload of water all over one of the light switches. I couldn't just leave it: I thought it might make my house set on fire. So I put my mouth over the light switch and tried sucking the water out. I shot back to the other side of the room and ended up curled up in a ball making ewok noises." (addikt) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your tales of hypocrisy. Talk to us about your double standards here: http://b3ta.com/questions/hypocrisy/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Star Wars improved by replacing a word with "pants" << * I find your lack of pants disturbing. * I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants. * A disturbance in the pants. I have not felt this since near my old master... All extremely amusing as you can see, and out of curiosity, we wonder if this works for other films, let's say Withnail and I: * We want the finest pants available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now! * I've some extremely distressing pants. * Bit early in the morning for pants isn't it sir? * As a youth I used to pant in butcher's shops. Well, kept us amused for 5 mins anyway. http://www.keepersoflists.org/index.php >> Useless book << A specially-designed notebook to help you remember useful web addresses and passwords. Almost as good as using the built-in functionality of your web browser. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/097079830X/... >> This is why you're fat #2 << The Meat Boat. The Meat Boat? Yes, the Meat Boat. 17,000 calories of nautical diorama with bacon sails and sausage masts and it's charted a course for your arteries. http://snurl.com/mealsforb3tans >> Dinosaurs fucking robots << Page after page of dinosaurs fucking robots. With inspirational phrases. Which make it even more unsettling. http://dinosaursfuckingrobots.com/ >> Look different, dress the same << Collection of photos showing that the more people try to look like individuals, the more they tend to conform to a certain look. The photographers have come up with some pretty good nicknames for the groups too. It's not just 'goths' and 'townies'. http://www.exactitudes.com/index.php >> The Trilogy Meter << Diagram rating the quality of the most popular Hollywood movie franchises. Surprisingly, quite a few sequels are better than the original. Unsurprisingly, no third movie ever is. http://snurl.com/oncetwicethreetimesaturkey ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Animal bands again, yep it's B3ta "Cute mice with little tiny musical instruments!" mews agentmuu, "Warning: site in Russian." Ah, maybe they'll play us the theme from Tetris? Or Ra Ra Rasputin? http://ziza.ru/2009/02/17/krysy_pozirujut_16_foto.... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Animated gifs + embedded audio FTW >> How to win Guess Who in one move. << One bold question will let you win an old-school game of Guess Who. Figured it out yet? http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_win_Guess_Who_in_... >> Clifford Stoll, What an ace bloke! << Coming across like an over-stimulated Emo Phillips, we had no idea tech expert, author and astronomer Clifford Stoll was such a character. Write him a few gags instead of a lecture and you'd have a world class physical comedian. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Clifford_Stoll_What_an_a... >> 2222 Toothpicks in my beard << Of all the memes in the world to catch on, who would have expected this? Genial beardy crams as many toothpicks as possible into his hairy chin. The end result looks like he is being face-raped by a hedgehog. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Aussie incest ad << Ah, bless those forthright Australians. Charity group Adults Surviving Child Abuse try to mix humour with child abuse in their latest television ad. The results are, er, striking. http://www.spareroom.co.nz/2009/02/11/badvertising... >> Unexpected Bon Jovi << In America they have this thing at sports games called the Jumbotron which randomly puts someone from the crowd up on the big screen. Normally people just wave and scream. This guy had clearly practised. http://snurl.com/wethinkweknowthisguy >> Alternative uses for a phone screen << Mobile phone manufacturers wheel out the big guns of cuteness to flog some new product. Puppies, kittens - dammit, even hedgehogs - this one's got it all! http://b3ta.com/links/Alternative_uses_for_a_phone... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Almost funny this week. Almost. * COCKS WHO WORK AT BANKS - irregularshed dribbles, "My friend in HSBC pissed the Data Protection Act up the wall to show me a screenshot of this man's name. I've managed to find a reference to him on teh webs which means he won't lose his job... I give you Mr Willy Dangles of HSBC France:" http://snurl.com/shouldworkforbarclays * MIKE WANKUM REDUX 3 - DrTugnut2 spurts, "Having lived in Boston I too remember Mike Wankum - however when we travelled up to New Hampshire we were very impressed to see posters for 'Dick Swett' who was running for senate. Myself and Mrs Tugnut2 offered our services for his campaign but he turned down our slogan 'No one can lick Dick Swett'. I see he is now US Ambassador to Denmark..." Heh, a fine observation and then a gag? Top marks. http://www.nndb.com/people/875/000127494/ * SEARCHY THING - james.gadsby spunks, "Well, I've found something which'll keep everyone entertained for many hours. Basically it's the U.S Ancestry Records search page, meaning you can search for any unfortunate surnames to see if someone will that name actually existed." We've just found NELLIE SEMEN... http://ssdi.rootsweb.ancestry.com/ * KKK TATTOOS FOR KIDS - rootsrockreggae gives us a funny handshakes and says, "I was in my local market when I stumbled across this. LOOK AT THE MIDDLE ONE! It is something that I knew you needed to see." http://snurl.com/kkkidsloveit ------------------------------------------------- : NSFW WANKING CORNER Stuff you've been tugging to this week * PENISES WITH GOOGLY EYES - nli asks, "Why on earth, when searching for Googly Eyes to stick on something, does this come up as the 2nd site?" http://www.googlyeyesoncock.com/galleries/ * FREE ORAL SEX FOR ATTRACTIVE FEMALES - as Sir Snow Gonzo points out it's "fantastically optimistic." Loving the mid-90s web design too - Netscape Gold is our favourite site editor too. http://louisvillefreeface.com * GOOGLE TARTS - TruffleShuffle writes, "Bit like Google sightseeing, but for hookers on Street View." Blimey, now it needs a sister site for outing kerb crawlers. http://www.streetviewfun.com/category/sexy/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Invisible Challenge Last week we wanted you to remove things from pictures to change their meaning. Your favourites included: * SYDNEY - Australians may have to adjust their way of life once global warming really hits home (augsav) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9188932 * MUPPETS - take away the fur, and the show is suddenly less appealing (Barbarossa) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9178626 * RETRO - the gaming industry took a while to figure out that you needed bad guys to make things interesting (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9178711 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/invisible/ >> New challenge: Wii Games << We've been playing with our Wii all week, but the choice of software is a little safe. Show us the Wii games Nintendo will never publish. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wii/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * TRIPPY VIDEO SECRETS - tahrey writes, "As a committed non member but an enjoyer of the newsletter... here's the simple secret behind making your own "trippy bad compression" video: Encode your clips to some form of MPG, preferably MPG4 e.g. DivX. Load it into VirtualDub or any other frame-by-frame, direct frame editing program. Delete the keyframes normally inserted at the scene changes. Make sure it doesn't have any kind of keyframe reconstruction turned on. Save your new video. Enjoy." * METRO CONFESS TO READING B3TA - Ross McD + Ross McG write, "Hello Rob and all at B3ta Towers, Long-time lurker Ross McDonagh here. I'm a reporter with the best value-for-money newspaper there is (Metro), where we frequently pillage/direct readers to your unrivalled site. Myself and fellow Metroer Ross McGuinness have very recently set up a site (we collectively know dick all about the mysterious inner workings of the interweb, so we've opted for a nice user-friendly free Wordpress blog). Here we basically shite on about two films that are (sometimes tenuously) connected in some way, and get people to vote on our arguments, and leave comments. Would be delighted if you checked it out, and possibly even give it a mention in the newsletter?" Oh go on then, but we want you to place a story in the Metro where if you read the first letter of every sentence it reads, "w.e..b.u.m..k.i.t.t.e.n.s" http://www.rossvross.com ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SCOOTER FAN VIDEO - we've just realised that German crap trance overlords Scooter have made a version of the Sisters of Mercy goth classic Marian. Can someone do a suitably mental video please? And dub the Scooter bloke shouting "make some fucking noise" over it, as that would be more amusing than the actual version that exists. * CHRIS MARTIN FLOWER FAIRY.COM - have you noticed that Coldplay bloke moves likes a fairy? A proper clap-your-hands-or-they-die-tinkerbell-fairy? Can you lot photoshop fairy wings onto his back on all PR shots please? There's a dear. * STAMP LICK SOUP - we've always had a sneaky liking for the taste of stamp glue. Maybe it would make a tasty ingredient? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was wanked on by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson holding the bucket. Stuff sent in by Gratch, ana, Chanticleer, Dixon, cr3, Spider Riviera, Pat Wood and jessekillerkay. Seventh Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Newsletter subjlols via Griffy Savalas. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Having a party? Remember - drunk people will NEVER wash a glass if there's a clean one in the cupboard, so hide ALL surplus cups and glasses. If you don't do this? You will spend the next morning washing everything in the kitchen. (Pill Popper) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDINOTS: Knock knock "Who's there?" "Doorbell repairman". http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive