we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "NEWSLETTER CANCELLED DUE TO SNOW" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * WANKKING - Wanky shit demon lives! * ATHEISTS - Make your own bus slogan tool * DAILY MAIL - Goaste'd! Ha! ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We feel guilty we're ___/ _ |/_ > Wanky shit demon << "I've made something very special this week," crows an elated Joel Veitch. "The Wanky Shit Demon! Easily the best thing we've ever done I'm sure you will agree. And also really really horrible as well." A rhapsody of brown (and white) Playdoh. http://www.rathergood.com/demon >> Bus slogan generator << Why should atheists have all the fun? Santa Claws has made a handy slogan generator so you can visualise your own random blurtings enshrined on the side of a bus. http://ruletheweb.co.uk/b3ta/bus/ >> "I've just goatse'd the Daily Mail" << "The Daily Mail were linking to the big version of my picture on the b3ta front page from the title page of their website," explains The Hedgehog From Hell, "So I changed the picture." Yep, the Mail's front page was one click away from the extended anus of internet legend. Four hours later, they removed the link but The Coast of Yemen managed to record the phenomenon for posterity with trusty cameraphone. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ive_just_goatsed_the_Dai... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK School Days We asked for your school memories. We've collected some of the shorties here for your amusement, but it's worth clicking for Haha!Snakes' tale of revenge with foamy wee: http://b3ta.com/questions/schooldays/ * THOR - "We had a substitute Religious Education teacher many a year ago whose name I can't remember, mostly because it was unpronounceable - all I can remember is that he had a face like a chihuahua, which got the class calling him 'Mr Chihuahuaface'. As a sign of how tolerant he was, he went on to introduce himself as Mr Chihuahuaface to the other classes. He was, and I imagine still is, a bit of a ledge. 'Right class, the task you've been left with is to do a presentation on the Christian creation story... however, as there are so many religions out there, it's highly possible that such dogma should not be taken for granted. So go out and look at other creation stories and let us know what you think. Just to get you started, I'll do the first presentation next week.' The next lesson, Chihuahuaface turns up in full Viking regalia, slams an inflatable hammer against the table and screams: 'Behold mortals, I am Thor, conqueror of worlds!' God bless you Mr Chihuahuaface." (FoxyBadger) * BELM - "Late 70's, class photo day. My proud mum has dressed little 6 year-old me in my favourite Action Man army top. I'm originally sat front and centre, but every time the photographer yells for us all to say 'Cheese!' I belm. Hard. I can't help myself. After a few failed attempts he grasses me up and I'm forced to stand next to the teacher so she can keep me in line... but as the photographer gave the fateful cue...I just couldn't resist. (pooflake) http://www.b3tards.com/u/196caedfec9b4d62d0a9/unti... * HOOD - "Mistaking 'Home clothes day' for fancy dress, I turn up to a playground teeming with kappa tracksuit-clad five year-olds dressed as Robin Hood. Tights and all." (wordsworthless) >> This Week's Question: pubs << What's the most incredible thing you've seen happen in your local pub? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/pubs/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> I Lego NY << Homesick New Yorker mucks about with lego bricks to recreate some of the distinctive sights of his native city. http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/02/i-lego... >> Celebrity Twitter << "Stalk the celebrities on Twitter," claims this collection of feeds. It's certainly an interesting read, although we feel they're somewhat stretching the definition of celebrity. http://www.celebritytweet.com/ >> Drawing toy likes music << Last week we featured a strange little voice-activated online drawing toy. This week: what happens when that toy hears indy rock. http://strangenative.com/ >> Eric Baum fired from ebaumsworld << Some company bought 'lolmeisters' ebaumsworld, then fired ebaum and his entire team. Angry blog post, followed by a shedload of comments from gleeful web ghouls, enjoying delicious schadenfreude. http://blog.ebaum.tv/2009/01/so-this-is-how-it-all... >> Beatles worst-to first countdown << Epic rundown of the entire Beatles discography, ranked in reverse order of quality. Begins with Revolution Number 9 (of course). But where will it end? http://snurl.com/cantbeatthebeatles ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Russian lolcats Who would have possibly thought that there's cats who speak Russian? Turns out there's millions of the buggers and they all speak the mother tongue like Rasputin himself. http://rolcats.wordpress.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Youtube is a new and popular website shock >> Kid trips out after going to the dentist << The last time we took LSD we thought we'd died and everyone waiting outside some shitty Wolverhampton nightclub was in Purgatory and waiting to get into Heaven. Then a policeman asked us what we were doing - we thought he looked like Bertie Basset and said, "Getting into the back of your car?" "Not on your life, sunshine", he snarled back and told us to "fucking grow up." This kid is having these experiences early, and will hopefully be saved from such things. http://b3ta.com/links/A_kid_trips_out_after_going_... >> Bestest In The Barn << Charlie and Lola, sadly not the story of TV Critic Charlie Brooker and his transsexual girlfriend who "walked like a woman and talked like a man", but a pre-schoolers' show on cBeebies which, from this clip, is the most uplifting thing ever created. We defy you not to smile. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bestest_In_The_Barn >> US News Blooper << "Trust me," whispers igotdamaged, "you will not see this one coming..." http://www.b3ta.com/links/US_News_Blooper >> Censored Bill Hicks << David Letterman revisits a Bill Hicks routine he rejected from his show in 1993, just months before the much-admired funnyman died. Did he make the right choice back then? http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/02/david-lett... >> BBC hidden camera << BBC sets up a camera by some icy steps and waits for people to fall over. Ok, it's a news item about icy steps at a railway station, but isn't it all a bit mean? http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7866986.stm >> Christian Bale flipout remix << Powerful dance remix of Christian Bale's recent on-set rant against a hapless co-worker. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Containing two "funny" names for once * MIKE WANKUM - weatherman for a Boston TV station and does a lot of work for a Chernobyl kids charity. Which reminds of the old joke, why don't Russian scientists wear y-fronts? Because cher-knob-will-fall-out. (Thanks mbehan!) http://www.thebostonchannel.com/weather/10935174/d... * DR BEAT NOBS - "For your funny names section," shouts mudskipper, "I humbly present the Swiss Ambassador to New Zealand." Yep, we're sure he gets lots of cock jokes, but do his giggle and sing, "Emergency! Paging Dr. Beat"? http://www.swiss.org.nz/page.php * EVERYONE LOVES A LARGE VAGINA - Alex Ottway sniffs, "Not sure if you're going to be inundated with this picture, but just in case... It snowed the other day in Nottingham. There's a webcam pointing over the Old Market Square. Some people were playing at making shapes in the snow...." http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t231/Fred_Blogs... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Cats, Meat and Stanley Kubrick Software >> "I ate your cat" << So claims new_matt, and he'd like your help to widely publicise the fact. Print out one of his 'cat found' posters, stick it up somewhere local and send him a pic. The more people see it the better. Or the more likely he'll get beaten up, we suppose. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Anyone_fancy_helping_me_... >> Jonti Picking vs Meat << We once went to the pub with Mr. Picking and he'd stuffed his face with so much beef he complained of going "meat blind." Although we reckon Veitch could probably eat more meat than Picking; should it be put to some kind of crazy internet test? http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Meat/ >> The Shining Computer Game (1982) << HappyToast brings the special sauce of retro gaming to the wonderful kebab that is Stanley Kubrick. Why can't all movie/game crossovers be this good? http://b3ta.com/links/The_Shining_Computer_Game_Fo... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Embassy Challenge Last week we wanted to know how to protect the new US Embassy. Your favourites included: * FORCE - the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. God help us. (Afinkawan) http://b3ta.com/board/9137126 * DOGS - down in Battersea, the animal population is ready to do its duty (Smallbrainfield) http://b3ta.com/board/9141908 * FAGS - raising public alertness via the medium of health warnings (jonehboy) http://b3ta.com/board/9142946 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/americanembassy/ >> New challenge: Petty Terrorism << Thanks to the Blitz spirit, big July 7th-style terror attacks have failed. How can the bad guys bring down the system from within, hitting us where it really hurts... by thinking small? http://b3ta.com/challenge/pettyterrorism/ >> Secondary Challenge: House of Whores << Mark Thomas is doing a new show about the recent bribe-a-lord scandals and wants YOU to design some cards to put in phone boxes and hand out at shows. 'Hot new peer in town', 'Rent my ermine' - you know the sort of thing. Mark will pick a winner to receive a set of bespoke hand-made ovoid wax-shelled Chuckee Egg paint bombs, signed by his good self. Oh yes. http://b3ta.com/challenge/houseoflords/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MARKETING BOLLOCKS - "You maniacs! You posted it! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!", emotes thiswasmyclone, "Of course I refer to the link of the Virgin complaint letter in the newsletter. It's apparently a PR stunt by WCRS to get Virgin in the press. I hope you're able to sleep tonight knowing that you've just contributed to the mighty Branson machine, thus aiding in his quest to deflower all children and violate all grannies across the land. Personally, I feel dirty. And not in a good way." * STALKERS READ B3TA - Sahra heavily breathes down the broadband, "After the latest newsletter, I (and I know I'm not the only one) did a little investigative work about this Ariana & Russ business so I didn't have to wait until next week's newsletter to find out. With an unusual name I found Ms Preston in no time, and seeing if I could find the broken ex boyfriend I was told: 'Ariana has no friends named Russ.' I think that says it all." * GINGER FUHRER BABY NEWS - Huzzah for Stanley William Manuel, born on Monday and weighing 8lbs 7oz. Well done to Mrs Fuhrer. http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/sets/721576... * MEDIA MONKEY - your Fuhrer is also amused that .net magazine ran his facetious reply to their enquiry: http://www.netmag.co.uk/zine/discover/packing-them... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Perfect Balance "Get The Balance Right" sang Depeche Mode, possibly in a spooky premonition of this quirky little web game. Still, it beats OD'ing on heroin and cocaine speedballs and dying twice. Yes Dave Gahan, we mean you. BTW: Dave's parents worked on the buses; his dad drove whilst his mother was a clippy. http://www.kongregate.com/games/ttursas/perfect-ba... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include - well, actually sod that, here's just a list of recent personal irritations with stuff: * ONE SOCIAL NETWORK TO RULE THEM ALL - it's dreadfully irritating to write a reply to someone's Facebook update and then get no reply as you realise it's syndicated tweets from twitter. Or maybe we should just all just agree to ignore each other. * MAGAZINES SUBSCRIPTIONS AVAILABLE PROPERLY ON AMAZON.CO.UK - and we don't mean giving them money so they can send us a box with a number in it that we then have to type into a web page. What kind of retarded cretin thought that up? * DECENT VEG TO BE AVAILABLE IN CORNER SHOPS - a couple of manky red onions with only 50% usable flesh doesn't cut it sunshine. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. Even the death threats. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The Coast Of Yemen, LordMatthius, acid_kewpie and redazril. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sujlols via McBadger. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Last week we suggested you make DIY Rennies from Polos and some chalk. 13thfloor suggests, "In an emergency indigestion situation, say a Burger King lunch & all afternoon drinking India Pale Ale, if you have no Rennies, eating toothpaste will do the job just as well." ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time. It's fucking ten to one. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive