we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "CLOSING DOWN SALE: ALL LINKS 50% LESS FUNNY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * TOY - Kh(aX)n Machine serves YOU * VEITCH - Gas mask pervert shock * POINTLESS HEADLINE - ex-pat sex-rat wrecks flat ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're serving our ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than pretending to have quims >> Gas mask << Joel's wheelings and dealings in the international arms trade have paid off this week. He's landed some awesome Soviet nuclear gasmasks and turned them into nightmare kazoos. The final performance is genuinely odd. http://rathergood.com/gas_mask >> Chin review << The intellectual sorts of the Chin Review take on Charles Darwin's Origin of the Species. Mostly, we enjoyed weareace's attempts at not giggling and having to reshoot. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Chin_Review >> Ninja school << The Brothers Mcleod proudly present their inexplicable ninja school-based animation Fuggy Fuggy. http://uk.youtube.com/user/brothermcleod >> The Kh(aX)n Machine << "Khaaan!" as William Shatner so memorably screamed. Or was it "Khaan?" A wee while ago we were wondering what other words are commonly overextended for dramatic effect and how long for. It just wouldn't do to misspell "Pleeeease noooo!". Anyway, b3tard area has built a clever thing that makes graphs of just exactly that. Awesome! http://www.idefex.net/b3takhan/ ------------------------------------------------- We interrupt this advertising for a special message: darlo_russ pleads, "My girlfriend left me a few weeks ago. We'd been going out for 2 years. One of the first ever conversations we had was about B3ta and in particular the front page image of 'Super Mario Bank.' Anyway I know this request probably wont achieve anything but i was wondering if you could put the following message in tomorrow's newsletter. I know she still reads it every week and it would mean the world to me if you could help me get the message across to her. In fact, if you include the below text in this Friday's newsletter I will donate £10 of my own money to the site. Think of it as a paid advertisement if you must. "Ariana Preston, Please get back with Russ. he loves you and he misses you. Plus who else would use B3ta to beg for you back?" ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The Credit Crunch We wanted to know how the credit crunch was affecting you. Yes, you: http://b3ta.com/questions/creditcrunch/ * OWN GOAL - "I love my Saturday football fix but am unable to afford Southend's 25 quid, so I've started to walk down to my local non-league team. A few weeks ago, I was standing about 10 yards to the side goal, on a slope, as the away team came towards me. The forward lined up a shot that he couldn't miss. Except, being a shite non-league footballer, he missed by about 10 yards. It took me a second to realise I was about to get smacked square in the face by the ball, but I just about bent over in time... Only to see the ball cannon straight into the face of the 10 year old boy standing behind me up the slope, forcing his hot dog so far into his mouth that Linda Lovelace would've been proud. I didn't mean to laugh while he bawled his eyes out. And I didn't expect to be too scared to go back to the ground after his Dad told me he didn't want to see my 'fucking face' there again. It's difficult to hide at a non league football ground. I now need something else cheap to do on Saturday afternoons." (scarpe) * WOOLIES - "When it was announced that Woolworths was going toes-up, overnight my local branch became a dumping ground for all the old crap that no other branch had ever managed to shift. Someone, somewhere in a warehouse far far away obviously thought, "Sod it, we're going under, let's just ship all these boxes of shit out and see what sells". Consequently, my local branch became a one-stop shop for: Diet Irn-Bru; a whole rack of actual VHS videos; several hundred 'Worth It' toilet seats. Strangest of all was the sudden arrival of about a thousand 'Worth It' ironing boards. One aisle was filled with the bloody things until the last day, when it was 80% off everything. Only the offer of an ironing board for 50p could trigger that involuntary reaction amongst the over-60s, compelling them to buy. They flew off the shelves, filling the High Street with pensioners clutching 'Worth It' ironing boards under their arms. So, for all the bad things about Woolworths going under, one positive did come out of it. For one day only, walking up the High Street felt like being in a care-home production of Point Break." (costas) * CATS - "Interesting times: Living in a semi bankrupt country (Iceland) - Check. Lost my job - Check. Stomach ulcer - Check. This all happening in the most depressing time of year - Check. Thinking you might have to eat your cat to survive - Check. The good news? I have two cats." (snordfjord) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your best school stories. You remember school - that place where you learnt to speel. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/schooldays/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Voice drawing << Neat web-based drawing tool. Raise or lower your voice to influence the direction of the line. Or put some of your favourite music/TV shows through it. http://www.zefrank.com/zesblog/archives/2009/01/wa... >> iPhoto recognises cats << The latest whizzy bit of Apple software rather alarmingly includes face recognition to help organise your pics. Turns out it works on cats too. But not dogs - how racist! http://snurl.com/cat-scan-for-steve-jobs >> Virgin complaint letter << Unappetising airline meal dissected verbally in an excellent letter from a disgruntled airline passenger. http://snurl.com/yaddayadda >> Seriously weird magazine covers << Peculiar covers from 1960s French satirical publication Hari Kiri. The government wound up banning it - and from this it's no surprise. NSFW, in the sense that a lot of it's filth. http://flabbergastedly.com/ >> Bloke who looks like a thumb << Or perhaps a thumb in front of the lens that looks like a bloke. This image is inexplicably turning up in all sorts of places this week. Something to do with Stephen Fry and Twitter or something. http://thumbman.net/ >> Hospital food revealed << Disgusting pics smuggled out of US hospital canteen. Fortunately for us, British hospital food is healthful and delicious, like the Whittington's Snickers muffins. http://hospital-chow.livejournal.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like an old Video iPod minus scrollwheel >> Sleepy stop-motion << Lovely animated music video, about a girl who seems to be an exceptionally restless sleeper. And a duvet burrower. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Her_Morning_Elegance_Ore... >> Four Chords, 36 Songs << There are only so many pleasing combinations of chords, so conceivably we could one day run out of new tunes. Hence this clever demonstration of the awesome power of E, B, C#m and A. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Four_Chords_36_Songs >> Literal 'Under the Bridge' << The literal video lyrics guys turn their attentions to pompous rock wrinklies, Red Hot Chilli Peppers. http://snurl.com/and-for-our-next-trick >> Rat loves cat << Your stomach with churn at this hideous upending of the natural order. A cuddly cat who is friends with a fluffy rat. Will the horror never cease? http://www.youtube.com/user/chibudgielvr ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Actually contains a funny name for once * SAY IT OUT LOUD - "Speaking of poorly-named doctors...", writes Dave, "I pity my mate Kira, who had the job of phoning the place to check if the details we had on file were correct without sounding like she was taking the piss." http://www.vitals.com/doctors/Dr_Jack_Kanoff.html * CASH FOR COCKS EBAY SCANDAL - "eBay's coins looks like a penis", writes pete.cheyne, "It's most pleasing." http://snurl.com/ebay-cock-explosion ------------------------------------------------- : NERD JOKES Please, no more, our funny bone can't take it * Pope John Paul II was flying back to Rome, when both the engines failed. Captain: Your holiness, we're going to crash, you must do something Pope: There is nothing I can do; I am a simple pole in a complex plane. * ERRATA: At least 20 of you wrote in similar messages to Sentynel, "Do we get bonus points on the nerd jokes section for spotting that the kitten with the greatest mew/mu falls off last, not first? (sorry, I'm a physicist)." Which is obviously the problem of running nerd jokes, we need a science editor as our Grade C at GCSE physics just won't cut it. * ERRATA 2: Only one of you, barry.rowlingson, spotted this though, "I not only scored 12 on your Nerd Joke quiz, but I also spotted the deliberate mistake. It should be 'contour integral', not 'contour interval'. [That joke was actually published: Renteln, P. and Dundes, A. "Foolproof: A Sampling of Mathematical Folk Humor." Notices Amer. Math. Soc. 52, 24-34, 2005.]" Oooh, square brackets! Fancy! ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Caricatures Challenge Last week we wanted you to exaggerate people. Your favourites included: * BORIS - the financial collapse hits London's Olympic plans (Tart Monkey) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9133801 * POLICE - keeping the kids happy as the recession bites (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9135776 * GLASSES - nice tribute to the four-eyed famous. And Patrick Moore (Wildyles) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9121022 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/caricatures/ >> New challenge: Protecting America << The US are moving their London embassy to Battersea. It's likely to have a 30m exclusion zone around it and "look like a fortress" to stop people blowing it up. Show us how it SHOULD be defended. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/americanembassy/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GAME ENDINGS - gronkpan blithers, "I just noticed your request for video-game endings in the newsletter - I posted this on /links a while back but it was grossly under-appreciated. I hope that this is an opportunity for vindication." http://www.vgmuseum.com/end/zx/ * COMPARE THE MEERCAT - people have been asking us about this advert recently and saying, "It's dreadfully b3taish isn't it?" So we were happy they are obviously quite aware of us and got in touch to say, "Hello Internet peoples! Please be kind for help remove confusion between mine website www.comparethemeercat.com and www.comparethemarket.com. I compare meercats, not the hatchbacks insurances. Thanksing you. Aleksandr." We are amused - it's a cute ad. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WRITE "TWAT" ON YOUR HEAD BACKWARDS - pretend you're oblivious and walk about town. Record people's reactions. * GUESS THE AGE OF MY TITS.COM - hundreds of photos of breasts, can you guess the owner's age? Prompted by recent comment from a doctor friend of ours who said, "I've seen fantastic tits on a patient of sixty that you would not believe." * DIY RENNIES - can you cure indigestion with Polos and some chalk? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Puerile Digital Arts Community, rollthetroll, Kushan, Rob T Firefly, intesvensk, NoSoup4U, nowimboard Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. subjlol via Joe Scaramanga. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my X-box. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive