we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THE FIRST BLACK NEWSLETTER IN HISTORY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BAD TRANNIES - Don't blame us * CREDIT CRUNCH - Your experiences * NERD JOKES - How many do you understand? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're hurting our selves ___/ _ |/_ > TV Fail << We've been gawping, gobstruck at this for some time now. Favus has gathered the web's gammiest old trannies and tranny admirers, then captioned them with their own words. " I trawl through all this stuff so you don't have to," he explains. http://tvfail.blogspot.com >> Washing machine cookery << Brave Tom Scott continues to push back the boundaries of appropriate appliances to use in food perparation. Will his post-wash scrambled egg and mulled wine party be a success? http://www.tomscott.com/washing-machine/ >> Meat sushi << Reasoning that popular fast food sushi is basically rice and raw fish, Cheffervescence figured a reasonable subsitute would be mash and uncooked, bleeding beef. Yuk. http://cheffervescence.blogspot.com/2009/01/meat-s... >> Pornotron << Type in a search term and Sn0tters' pornotron will search google images with safe search both on and then off. Then it shows you only the pics that dirty google pornbots try to keep for themselves. http://www.pornotron.org ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Fitting in Last week we asked how much you bend to peer pressure. We've picked three short funnies for the newsletter, but it is so worth clicking to find out how 'spankyhanky' got his username: http://b3ta.com/questions/fittingin/ * MOCKNEY TWAT: "I panic when I have to talk to anyone that doesn't work in an office, particularly tradespeople. For some reason I change my normal accent (something between Boris Johnson and Oscar Wilde) for an Essex Cockney effort - "Blaady freezin' innit?" - to demonstrate that I am just like them, and could probably fit the kitchen/clean the chimney/attach a shelf myself if I wasn't so damned busy duckin' and divin' makin' a few quid here and there. This came undone the other day when someone came round to fix the boiler and I accidentally got the wrong voice and spoke in Australian. "Hi, I've come to look at the boiler". "Noice one! Cam on in, mate! Can I getcha a cap of tea?" Even in my own ears it sounded bad, but I had to keep it up as it was too late to change back to my normal voice. "Oi dunno mate, it just sorrta stopped wurkin'!" I was almost crying with relief by the time he left. He probably was too." (browser) * MMM, NATURAL FIBRES: "When I was a 15 in '84, my first girlfriend lived 12 miles away. There was only one bus a day and that was at 7am, so I had to cycle. But, how to cycle 12 miles in the 28 degree summer heat, and still look like a New Romantic when I got there? With my limited funds, the nearest I'd got to looking like Simon Le Bon was to purchase an army surplus tunic, made of that green horsehair shit. Looked cool, I thought, as long as no one noticed the sweat patches on my back and armpits. This left me with the final issue of hair. Nowadays my hair has a slight wave; not curly enough to look after itself, but just enough life to sentence me to daily hairwashing or having a special-needs hairstyle. Aged 15 though, my hair was full Duran length, and the slightest puff of wind would send it into a sort of demented furball, which, given my weekly quest of getting closer to my girlfriend's fanny, simply wouldn't do. The solution? Simple. I'm sat here 25 years on, still cringing at the thought that I used to ride down the main road every Saturday, in soaring temperatures, wearing that fucking tunic and a matching green wool balaclava. Never did get any further than her tits." (MrStabby) * MMM, RIPSTOP NYLON: "Much worse than bullying; no one made me do it. I thought it looked cool and wanted to join in. I bought and wore a shell suit. I hang my head in shame. Expensive, designer shame." (Porkylips) >> This Week's Question << We'd like to know how the credit crunch has affected you. Did you score a bargain in Woolworths? Meet someone nice in the queue to withdraw your 10p from Northern Rock? http://b3ta.com/questions/creditcrunch/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Credit cards do not accept penises << Bored chap notices you don't have to write your signature perfectly on those credit card checking machines. So he decides to see how far he can push things... http://snurl.com/cockyfun >> Rockstars and their parents. << A series of 10 photos of famous 1970s singers/musicians and their folks. Our favourite would be Ritchie Havens here. Check out where his mum's hand is - and his dad's face! http://snurl.com/rockparents >> Interview with an Adware author << Fascinating talk with a programmer who describes the path that led to his writing evil crap that tries to burrow into your computer and suck out its life. http://snurl.com/satanspeaks >> Pet hair sweaters << You know those couples who dress identically, and how freakishly twee that looks? Now you can get the same effect when walking the dog. http://snurl.com/furshion >> Useless superpowers << Comics always feature the lucky guys who got the good powers. But what are the chances you'll end with a useful one - or taht you'll end up like these guys. http://superuseless.blogspot.com/ >> Hacked road sign << You must never, ever tamper with the electronic information signs they often have by the side of the road. But here's how to do it. http://www.i-hacked.com/content/view/274/48/ >> Games on film and TV << Picture gallery of computer games and consoles featured, however briefly, in films or on TV shows. Should not be as nerdily enjoyable as it is. http://www.tepg.se/showtitle.php ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like Sky Plus but with less chavs >> Songsmith Roxanne << Microsoft's backing track software has really been let off the leash recently, with a bunch of classic tracks getting the 'treatment'. We were particularly tickled by the way it's butchered Sting. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> End of the world << Pink Floyd provides the soundtrack for what might happen on the earth's collision with a giant asteroid that has a penchant for your dad's music collection. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1828851 >> Youtube Street Fighter << Video-and-figurine-based recreation of the classic fight game. You trigger special moves by clicking on the annotations - clever stuff! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> 'The slingshot man' << Simple country gentleman who just happens to be a deadly aim with a slingshot. Seriously impressive - they should ban those things. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_slingshot_man ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Semen, penises and minges * FUNNY URL CORNER? - "ate this last night, really enjoyed it until i read the address." (dannybobbeck) http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/database/carrots... * ONE NIGHT IN MONGKOK - "Ha ha, you mentioned Mongkok in the newsletter and there's a film I I've had on DVD for a while now that's comedicly titled One Night In Mongkok." (13ffx) http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000C05YI... * GREAT JUXTAPOSITION OF ADVERTISING - props to the sales team who placed this. (Supergyrations) http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/8633/harep1.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : NERD JOKES How many do you understand? * F(x)= sin(x) walks into a restaurant and orders some soup. The waiter replies, "Sorry but we don't cater for functions here." * I have a complex relationship with my girlfriend. I'm Real, and she's Imaginary... * What's got feathers and goes "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven?" A parroty error. * An infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar. One asks for a pint of beer, the next asks for a half. The third asks for a quarter of a pint, and the fourth asks for an eighth of a pint. The barman pours two pints and says "Just sort it out among yourselves". * Two kittens are on a roof but both of the are sliding down. which one falls off first? The one with the greatest mew. * Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C sharp. * Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25. * Two atoms are shooting the shit one day ATOM 1: Mate, I think I've lost an electron. ATOM 2: Are you sure? ATOM 1: Yep, I'm positive. * What is the contour interval around western Europe? Zero because all the Poles are in eastern Europe. * Some people think the glass is half empty. Some people think the glass is half full. Database admins think the glass is twice the size it needs to be. * Your mother is so fat she sat on a Binary Tree and turned it into a linked list in real time. * Two spiral galaxies walk into a pub. The landlord says "I can serve *you*..." (points at the first), "but not *you*..." (points at the second). "Why not?" - "Because you're barred." Scoring! If you understand X jokes then you = x=0: Our mum x=1..3: Our dad x=4..6: Carol Vorderman x=7..9: John Tickle x=10..12: Steve Wozniak ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Completely fucking useless shit Last week was a rewrite of the famous Irish inventions jokes, rewritten of course, so that the micks don't dump a load of tarmac in our driveways. Our favourites included: * SPHYHOLE DARTBOARD - although you might feel a bit of a prick using it. (Last Night A DJ Killed My Dog ) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9097657 * FRENCH / BINARY DICTIONARY - a two-bit idea if we've ever heard of one. (monekeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9111509 * FIRE ALARM WITH SNOOZE - better than those adverts with Julie Walters that make us feel dreadfully guilty, then of course, do fuck all. (Mr_Newton) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9102001 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/useless/ >> New challenge: caricatures << Wikipedia defines caricature as something that, "exaggerates or distorts the essence of a person or thing to create an easily identifiable visual likeness." So pick a man or woman distinguished in Art, Letters, Science or Politics, and draw them, photoshop them or maybe use some plasticine. Fucking hell. It's art time init. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/caricatures/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * IS IT GOING TO RAIN TODAY? - We asked and jon4009 has delivered. A website that clearly tells you that YES it will rain today or NO it will not (via a quick query of the weather forecast). http://isitgoingtoraintoday.com/ * TONY HART GALLERY PETITION - "Online petitions don't work, but I'm going to try again anyway," says Happytoast. In honour of kids' TV hero Tony Hart, he wants a room in the National Gallery set aside to carry on the great man's legacy of educating and inspiring the children of the UK in art and media. http://snurl.com/morphissad * WHAT DAY IS CHALLENGE MEH - "None of them got it right", writes Canerbry, "I receive the newsletter somewhere around 3am on a Saturday morning here in New Zealand. The failure of all of the submissions to consider where in the world the page is being viewed is disappoint, but bloody typical of you backward northern hemisphere types. I will sit refreshing the page every hour until the screen turns to Saturday which will probably be around lunchtime, by which time I will have had a full half of Saturday where you poor folks will have had to wait. Kudos to matthewkimberly, who got it closest by proclaiming 'Probably Friday.'" * BLOGGIE AWARDS - "You know that What B3ta people have been making this week section", asks Scary Duck, "Does my site getting nominated for the 2009 Bloggie awards count? eh? EH? YES, I am letting this go to my head. Free beer, money and sex for every vote." http://2009.bloggies.com ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * GAME OVER ARCHIVE - make a lovely Flickr set of computer game end screens. Our fave? The big boot in Manic Miner of course. * KHA(aX)RN MAHCINE - you know that graph that showed the number of google hits for how many a's are in Khaaaaaaan? Write some code that allows you to type any word in and specifiy the repeating element and return a lovely graph. E.g. Woo (36m), Wooo (5.7m), Woooo (2.2m), Wooooo(1.3m) etc. * GAFFA TAPE WAXING - how much body hair can you remove from your body only using the awesome power of gaffa tape? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by brainburger, Darklord, Marc B, beaverwastemanagement, and PaulGadd. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Geek jokes via DukeEuphoria biscuitbiscuit, sabre-tooth monkey, donkiddick, tjosas, RichieM, Rcantwell and KittyWaste, Le Branleur Formidable Newsletter subjlol via A Vagabond. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: B3ta members! Stuck for funny one liners to add to our top tips section? Simply steal them from Viz's excellent book. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/187087051... ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are a paedophile, but you just haven't met the right child yet? http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive