we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "UNLIKE ALL THE OTHER CRAP YOU GET THIS CHRISTMAS, YOU CAN'T SEND THIS BACK" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO TOY - The Amazing Benny Hillifier * NIGELLA - You want her, we want her etc etc * QUESTION - Addicts confess everything ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want our linky love? Email is your friend. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Nigella, Yakety sax and mentals >> Oh Nigella you filthy girl << Mike from Casetteboy sends in their latest video mash, which makes explicit the unspoken truth about Nigella's cooking shows. "Salty ointment" is particularly inspired. NSFW. BTW: Casetteboy has also written a comic novel. Stick 'Earth Inc. by Michael Bollen' into Amazon if you're interested. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Oh_Nigella_you_filthy_gi... >> The Amazing Benny Hillifier << "Look what I made!" cries a gleeful Bobsworth. And well he might - it adds the Benny Hill theme to any youTube video. Just paste the vid's ID into the box and Bob's your uncle (the ID is the string of letters and numbers after v= in a youTube URL) http://james.nerdiphythesoul.com/bennyhillifier/ >> My loony bin pics << Lol-free gallery of photos taken by b3tard Gilgamesh during his recent stay. There's an odd quality to these pictures of sinister, empty rooms that makes them quite compelling. http://kineticnorth.com/loonybin/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK I'm going to hell Sparked by Freddy Woo's confession that he read the Lord's Prayer backwards, under his breath, at his grandfather's funeral in a Dennis Wheatley-inspired attempt to summon up The Goat of Mendes, we asked "Why are YOU going to hell?" http://www.b3ta.com/questions/hell/ * KIDS' TV HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR - "3 years of age and my gran has taken me to church, as she did. The minister is leading the Lord's Prayer: 'For thine is the Kingdom, and the power and the...' Me (top of my tiny lungs): 'By the power of Greyskull! I HAVE THE POWER!!!'" (Phase3Profit) * SPASTIC GRAFFITI - "A few years ago, Scope was running its campaign to see the person before the disability. Quite right too. So I'm on the train, roll in to Leeds, look across at the hoarding, which reads 'Jimmy loves football, and is a Manchester Utd fan. He also has cerebral palsy' under which someone had written: 'Serves him fucking right.' I laughed harder than I ever thought possible, made all the worse because I was on a trip with the kids from the special school I work at. Although, two of them found it funny too." (wormburn) * PRETEND RETARDS - "Back when I was 10 and he was 7, Me and my brother Richard were sat on the back seats of my Mum's Granada at a set of traffic lights in Milton Keynes. We hatched a cracking wheeze where we'd both pretend to be mongs and spack it up towards the car next to us. Cue much cocked hand pawing at the window, drooling and slack jawed mongishness, The woman driving the neighbouring car nudged her husband noticing the two drooling cabbages in the back of the Granada with a look of pity upon her face. That's not the reason I'm off to Hell though. When my Mum caught sight of us she started to give us both a good hiding through the front seats much to the distress of the watching woman. We made my Mum look like an utter monster who randomly leathered the shit out of poor defenceless retard kids." (Swan_Vesta) >> Addicts confess! << Extremely interested in addiction at B3ta towers, props going out to an occasional reader whom we know recently spunked £9k in one night on internet gambling. Tell us your stories so we can feel better about our own weaknesses: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/addicted/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> LiveJournal's latest pics << Tracks the 30 most recent photos to be uploaded to Livejournal. It's interesting to just keep refreshing, although every page is guaranteed a cat, some porn, a teenager looking thoughtful and someone selling cheap clothes. http://www.portalofevil.com/lj.php >> After the Climax << In these paedo-sensitive times there are some things you're better off not putting on the cover of an album called After the Climax. Just saying. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001FHGXS... >> Party invite nonsense from the spider-drawing bloke << How many parties do you think we've been invited to this Chistmas? One. And that was the office party of some bloke we met once over three years ago and we think he included us by accident via a Facebook thingie. Anyway, as we're miserable misanthropists this is actually what we want anyway. Yeah. http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Celebrities + cats Plenty to aahh about in this collection of pictures of famous people posing with cats. Giorgio Armani and his Persian are entertainingly evil-looking. Frank Zappa's cross-eyed kitty is weirdly cute. http://thecatalyst.typepad.com/the_catalyst/famous... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Better service than Virgin anyway >> Dog malfunction << Dog goes mental, sings scat. Simple, brilliant. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dog_Malfunction_Fixed >> Bobby Davro charity song << Exceptionally cringe-making charidee fundraiser by old-school comic Davro and a school choir. Hs a 'so awful it's good' quality. Also, it's quite amusing to appreciate how ill-at-ease some of the kids are in front of the camera. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Davro_charity_song >> Young Girl Talking About Herself << Short, catchy song that summarises a great proportion of online video diaries. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Money in My Pocket << Now the credit crunch has really taken hold, it's actually the budget option to hire an office full of London stockbrokers to perform your pop video for you. http://uk.youtube.com/watch >> What happens when you set up room full of microwaves? << We were completely fooled by this and didn't expect the pay off. Unexpectedly charming. http://snurl.com/pingpingping >> Derren Brown interviewed by Richard Dawkins << Stuck for entertainment this afternoon? Here's an interview in six little 10 min chunks, between Professor Yaffle and a witch. BTW: As Monty Propps notes, "Derren is looking less beardy and slightly more portly of late. Coming out seems to agree with him." http://snurl.com/dorktalk ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Murder-suicide is the only answer now * LUVKIDS VAN BEETHOVEN - tristangaudion informs, "I run the sheet music department in a music shop and found this title while stocking the shelves. Love the look on Beethoven's face." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/071190145... * CURVATURE OF THE PENIS - Balloonhead spurts, "Working at a language school for foreign business type people I often hear some funny names but here's my favourite: a Mr Bent Kock who owns Implement (a Danish HR company)." http://www.linkedin.com/pub/5/752/179 * MORE THAI VICAR - ricardoelsevillano gesticulates, "Following on from the previous two week’s posts in Funny Name Corner; I’m currently teaching at an English institute in Bangkok. 'Porn' is very common in Thai names and means blessing. Thais generally have two names, one given at birth (often by a Buddhist monk, hence the ‘blessing’) and a nickname from their parents. Some of them are most entertaining. Not only have I taught Porntips and Supaporns but also Kittiporns, Titiporns, Puifaces, several Bums, Poos, Pees and Gams (acronym for Gay Asian Male). I've taught Bombs, Booms, Earths, Atoms, Beers, Ponds and Boats, and last week I even taught a Santa. Oh, and my friend Pop is going out with a guy called Jazz." * TICKLING THE PENIS IVORY - Francis Roberts cums in your hair and apologies, "on the radio they were playing a Scott Joplin piano piece, and then when it ended, I thought I heard something about "penis dick hymen," turns out they were just announcing the pianist, whose name is Dick Hyman... apparently he's a pretty well known ragtime and jazz guy." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Hyman ------------------------------------------------- : MCDONALDS NEWS A feature we have no intention of repeating * BIG MAC SOUP - Green Spanner writes, "Regarding your suggestion of blending burgers into soup in the newsletter, I would just like to say that I had some cheeseburger soup once, and it was god-awful. I couldn't finish the whole thing because it was so terrible. Unfortunately it was ages ago, and so I have no pics or anything." BAH! What is it people say? Pics or it didn't happen. * BIGGER MAC SOUP - hazzamon blithers, "It would seem the chaps at 'Will It Blend?' have already done it. Though, in fairness, what they have created appears to be more of a shake than soup." http://uk.youtube.com/watch * AND FINALLY, BIG MAC PIE - Colonel Boris barks, "I didn't quite make a soup, but we invented a fictional McDonald's product and did actually make it in the end. Christ knows how many calories, but it was grand." http://www.b3ta.com/board/8552594 http://www.b3ta.com/board/8561408 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Oliver Postgate Challenge Last week we asked you to pay tribute to Oliver Postgate. Your favourites included: * THANK YOU - the kitten Bagpuss brings a heartfelt message (HappyToast) http://b3ta.com/board/9014132 * SNORE - while the grown-up version dreams contentedly (WiL) http://b3ta.com/board/9018762 * WHACK-A-MOLE - finally, a playful Bagpuss finds it difficult to clout the Clangers (Fresh Water Mole) http://b3ta.com/board/9014875 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/oliverpostgate/ >> New challenge: UK TV, Hollywood Style << Many great British TV programmes get re-made by the Americans, but there are plenty they haven't got round to yet. Play producer and show us what they'll look like. http://b3ta.com/challenge/uktv/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * 100 TOP SITES FOR THE YEAR AHEAD - unusually, B3ta gets a mention in a 100 bestest websites list that lauds us as, "beyond classification; its forum has spawned many memes... and trolls." We're so used to journalists telling us that we're too rude and unpredictable to ever mention in their papers that we nearly fell off our chair. http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2008/dec/18/i... * BUMMERS - thanks to the literally hundreds (about 28) people who wrote in to point out that our request for an "arse-fitting cookie cutter" had already been fulfilled by the delightfully named: http://www.turdtwister.com/ * POO PRICE REDUX - "I am b3ta member JBoom, and years ago I made Poo Price (.com) - it was a massive hit with over 4 million poo's recorded and it was even used live on BBC Radio 1! Well, I made it into an iPhone app, so you can have a poo and time it on your shiny iPhone or iPod touch. Would you pretty please big it up in your newsletter ?" Well OK then, seeing as you asked nicely, but we don't actually have an iPhone to test this on, being stuck with an old Nokia from about 2003 (the Golden Age of Nokias) http://snurl.com/ipoone ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * KILL CHRISTMAS - electric.dragon requests, "One of those Flash games where you shoot things: the things being perpetrators of clichéd Christmas songs. And their song plays in the background until you score a hit. Came to me in the supermarket as 'Saviour's Day' came onto the PA and I was filled with a desire to set about Cliff Richard with a shotgun." * PASTRY CASEMODS - can you run your brand new Pentium Pro from inside some butter-glazed puff pastry? * HOW LONG IS A PIECE OF STRING - we're sick of not knowing. Maybe someone could invent some kind of ruler? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Twinpack, john_mcenroe, enceladus, moogy boobles, FredAstaireAteMyTapShoes, kim.kotchanski, JamboM, Monty Propps and the_log_knows. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke, except he's ill. Get well soon Mike. Subjlol via theoriginalsteve. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What do a midget and a dwarf have in common? Very little. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive