we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "NOW AVAILABLE IN WOOLWORTHS" next issue » « previous issue "Now available in Woolworths" This Week: * SONG - Veitch and his Communist Christmas * CHALLENGE - Poor old Oliver Postgate * PAUL ROSS - Celebrated in portrait... at last! ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're slaving the ___/ _ |/_ > Red Christmas << Crab Czar Joel Veitch points out, "Stalin was right on some major issues. We should probably remember what christmas is really supposed to be about - the workers' utopia, and death to enemies of the state." Sentiments we can all get behind. http://rathergood.com/christmas >> Yumblog << Richard Camps' amusing food-based bloggery with a healthy dash of celeb chef hate. We particularly liked yuckblog - in-depth reviews of the most disgusting pre-prepared slop. http://yumblog.co.uk/ >> Befriend a geek << This Christmas johnwards urges us to spare a thought for those who'll be spending it alone - the geeks, the nerds, the messageboard admins. http://www.befriendageek.com/ >> Dream Casserole << "Hail B3ta!" proclaims Gaius Maximus David Ellinor. "I come with a new 90 second comedy short called Dream Casserole. Featuring marigolds, man milk and messerschmitt fighter planes." Mental and we do not use that word lightly. http://uk.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Cougars and Sugar Daddies Last week we asked about age-gap shags. In amongst all the boasting were a few, more honest, tales of the generation gap failing to be bridged by a cock: http://b3ta.com/questions/cougars/ * CURRY DADDY - "My Dad was 52. My Sister was 17. They went out for a quiet catch up over an Indian meal. Halfway through their meal a bloke walked over to the table, pointed his finger at my dad and said, 'You fucking disgust me.' He shook his head and walked out." (Waspard) * SEDUCED - "It aint all it's cracked up to be. Last year, when I was 38, I was 'seduced' by a 20 year old young lady at work. Well, when I say seduced, she came over to me in the smoking room one day, sat on my lap and said "it's shaved, do you want to see?" and promptly proceeded to place my hand on the evidence. Whilst all my mates were jealous and there was the usual lads chorus of "go on my son" I definitely knew she was a 20 year old because: 1) It was like shagging a corpse, 2) She got up at 2pm, farting to puke all over it 3) The fridge got emptied. Where's my fucking sausages gone? To add insult to injury she was only 4'11 (I am 5'11). It was like fucking Frodo's sister and made me feel like Gary Glitter." (Mong The Merciless) * TIGER - "I have a client who writes to me on her personalised stationery. On the front, it's white, with black and orange accents, giving her contact details. The back... oh God, the back... is bright orange, and it says in large black letters: SHE'S A TIGERRRRRRRRRRRR! I am not sure there's any excuse for that." (rachelswipe) >> This Week's Question << Why are you going to burn in Hell? Talk to us here, sinner: http://b3ta.com/questions/hell/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Paul Ross Print << Fans of Jonathan Ross's elder brother rejoice! Amazon stocks a sizeable luxury canvas print of the celebrity film reviewer, ready to adorn your bedroom wall with his handsome fizzog. Filed in the "what the fuck are Amazon selling now?" category. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001N6W8U... >> Pet jungle cat << Photo gallery serves as a nutshell view of what it's like when a medium sized jungle cat lives in your house. Gets progressively weirder down to the glowing-eyed beast mutilating animals and sharing baths. http://olesiafx.com/news/archives/1307 >> Soft 9/11 << We must never forget the events of that terrible day. And what better way to remind the kids than this couple of plushie charmers? http://johnnyryan.livejournal.com/60141.html >> Can you pass the 11+ ? << Classic exercise in poking the younger generation about their worthless exam results. Try answering questions from a 1976 paper aimed at 11-year-olds. FYI: We got 14 out of 15 and then panicked and blew the final question. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7773974.stm >> Ghostly crowd pics << Some nifty long exposure photography turns an ordinary crowd shot into a seething, roiling mass of spooky clouds. With hands. http://bldgblog.blogspot.com/2008/06/pandemonium.h... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Nearly as good as the red button >> Broccoli kitten << Tiny cat just loves to eat his greens. A quick youTube survey shows broccoli is one of those things that cats inexplicably enjoy as a treat. Try it with yours. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Bombhammer << Explosive + mallet = lol. It's all fun until someone loses an eye. Anyone able to tell us what the hell these blokes are actually up to? http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/ >> Baby plays with cat << Unfortunate feline miserably tolerates the clumsy affection of a wee child. Strangely, B3ta cat Rocky also puts up with this from kids, whereas he'll randomly try to bite the face off an adult. http://uk.youtube.com/watch >> Robocop rap << The entire plot of Robocop summarised in rapular form. Like a very extended version of Silver Bullet's 20 Seconds to Comply. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Robocop_Rap >> Urban knitting << Forget cans of spray paint, balls of wool are where it's at now. Here's the surprisingly popular world of knitted graffiti, tree coseys and the like. http://snipurl.com/needlesthings ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER the dull empty loathing... please end it now... * SUPER PORN - Luke writes, "I've just signed up to b3ta (after years of lurking) and saw that one of this week's funny names was Porntip? That's nothing. There are real people with the name Supaporn . The first picture on the search is even Supaporn Pispan." http://images.google.co.uk/images * SPAZZSTICK - Some companies painstakingly research the meaning of their product's name in other languages. Some, clearly, just say the first thing that comes into their heads. Okay, we get that it's a stick but... uh? http://www.spazzstick.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : NSFW CUBICLE What mind-bleach was invented for >> Jarsquatter << One man, one jar. He's playing 'hide the pickled onions'. NSFW. NSFAnywhere really. http://lbn.threat.tv/jarsquatter.swf >> Dildo gas mask << Plastic penis attached to latex face mask. So that you can penetrate the vagina, and to simulate ejaculation, spit the stuff you get inside a Cadbury's Creme Egg. http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Anagram Challenge Last week we wanted you to make magic from anagrams. Your favourites included: * TOP GEAR - for truck driving prostitute killers everywhere (WiL) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9001418 * 24 - when Kiefer Sutherland met Douglas Adams (The Great Architect) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8995734 * SCOTLAND YARD - like the opening scenes of Fawltey Towers, but with more crime (Zak McFlimby) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8999447 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/anagrams/ >> New challenge: Oliver Postgate << Oliver Postgate, the brilliant mind behind The Clangers, Bagpuss and many other childhood favourites, passed away this week. He was a big influence on many b3tans, and this week's challenge is to pay tribute. RIP. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/oliverpostgate/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * DRINK MEASURING - "Regarding measuring the number of pints you piss whilst on the booze," advises concurrency, "You can also estimate how many sausages you've eaten by shitting into condoms." * NOT A STALKER - Matt Kaufman rubbishes boyo81's allegations of stalkerosity (issue 357--ed), "By profession I am an actor and was hired to play the mime in TheQuietus.com's classic album covers game. "The idea that anyone would or could go to such elaborate lengths to stalk someone - i.e. quite by chance be featured in a hit game, hope that b3ta will pick it up and put it in the newsletter, in the vain hope that one of its tens of thousands of readers is a girl whom I know anyway - is absurd and thoroughly ridiculous and, frankly, almost preposterous. Especially since I am already friends with her on Facebook. "Surely that would be reverse stalking - the stalkee would be able to see me in the game, but not I them. The whole thing just doesn't make any kind of sense." * CUSTARD EXPERIMENT - "Some powdered custard went dangerously thick," confides Dan Gilbert. "Dared by friends, I shaped it into a busty woman. We named it the custard tart. It is now frozen in the freezer and is waiting for its clothing of boob tube and micro skirt to be knitted by my girl friend. I can send photos if you like?" Actually, best if you don't. Sounds a bit frightening. * TOASTBAGS - Vipros informs, "I was at university with the nephew of the man who invented toastabags. We called him Dave Camel, because he looked like a camel. And his name was Dave." * WIKI LISTS - Joe Flaneur says, "This is a particular favourite of mine:" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Fictional_do... * ANOTHER HAPPY READER - Jeligula writes, "The B3TA newsletter is the worst thing to happen to me every week." And hopefully for a long time to come! ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BIG MAC SOUP - "Get stuff from McDonald's and blend it into a nice soup. Hmmmm, I wonder what Big Mac Soup would taste like? They should ask people to do this in the newsletter." suggests Donkey Gums. * A CURE FOR OLD PEOPLE - we've considered poison but we don't fancy going to prison. Any suggestions? A 90s-style Virtual Reality helmet that blanks them out? * ARSE FITTING COOKIE CUTTER - so we can poo star shaped shits. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mrs Liveinabin, augsav, kjs, lxstuart, The Empress, 'DK', Spooge McBalls, Peter Beater and Juvey. Subjlol via IPFreely Top Tippery by Reme Philips. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Push Rice Crispies into the treads of you car tyres for that expensive gravel driveway feel. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young". I had to explain, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now." http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive