we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IF A PIG LOSES ITS VOICE, IS IT DISGRUNTLED?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * EVIL - Snurl for cunts * SPASTIC SOCIETY - 1970s Xmas stickers * QUESTION - Your age-gap sex stories (eeep!) ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're getting Christmas ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Lots of bollocks you to wobble >> Snurl for cunts << This nasty little tool allows you to replace harmless words and phrases with horrid, twisted drips of poison on the destination page of any website. Props to irberry for creating the potential to cause endless mischief. http://redo.me.uk/ And here's one we made earlier: http://redo.me.uk/GordonRamseyBook >> Repellent pig's head cookery << Sharcore writes: "On Saturday we cooked and ate the head of a pig. It was very tasty, but a touch glutinous, particularly the snout. It's a fine meal in these testing economic times, if you can stomach it - the whole head cost £3.80" It looks disgusting but the photos are kind of interesting. http://bakedchefs.com/ >> Xmas Spackattack << Lucky dngdng found these rather fantastic Xmas stickers while rooting through his parent's lofts. Treasure from a more innocent age. http://snurl.com/scopers >> The truth about secret Santa << Everyone knows secret Santa is shit. Bangbang's parody of Boots annoying Christmas ad is so on the money. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boot_secret_santa_parody >> Amazon FTW << A bit geeky but a fun bit of one-upmanship that will make recession-hit web developers rofl themselves silly. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Play_com_Amazon_is_bette... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Cringe! Cringe-worthy antics from b3tards? No, surely you jest? Whatever. Clicky for comedy gold: http://b3ta.com/questions/cringe/ * LICKY LICKY - "About 10 years ago, at the dentist's, I was laying in the chair staring at the ceiling whilst he was using his instruments of torture in my mouth. After a while I noticed that there was something in my mouth between my bottom teeth and my lip. Thinking it was an absorbent swab thingy, I prodded it for a minute or two with my tongue. It seemed too smooth for a swab, so I explored it thoroughly with my tongue. Then it dawned on me.. It was his latex glove-covered thumb. I'd been laying there apparently trying to pleasure his finger for the last couple of minutes..." (mugwump) * SHAVING - "So I'm sixteen years old. The girlfriend has come around to my place for the day, the folks and the sister are out and the afternoon is ripe for lovin' -- or at least, kissin' and some awkward groping. But something is wrong. From the moment the ladyfriend walked in the door, she seemed a little nervous, a little... distracted. After I realised something was up, I asked her what was the matter. She refused to tell me. We played that game for a while - What'swrongnothingreallyyesyousureyesoh, but I eventually manage to get it out of her. In a quiet, delicate voice, quite unlike anything I've ever heard before, she comes out with: "I've... you know... *shaved*." For some reason, my mind doesn't quite catch on, so I respond with, "Wow... Well, I have to say, it looks a lot better. I didn't want to mention anything, but I'd definitely noticed a little bit of fuzz there." All the while, I'm gesturing to her top lip. The lip that, in fact, was not one of those she was referring to. There was to be no more fumbling that day; it took three hours to get her to even speak to me." (Ellinikos) * PUT THEM AWAY - "PhD, year two. Went to the lab wearing fetching black shirt with popper fastenings down the front. To protect said shirt, slipped on lab coat, with popper fastenings down the front. The eagle-eyed amongst you may be able to spot where this is going. Tea break rolls around and, being the attention seeking little sausage I am, I ran to the door of the lab, faced my lab mates and pretended to rip off my lab coat, a la Clark Kent ripping off his shirt to reveal underneath the fabled "S". What I actually did was grab both sets of poppers by mistake, rip them open and reveal my tits in a grubby, greying bra with the underwiring poking out. I think if you look up the word "fuckwit" in the dictionary, there may be a little picture of me next to it." (Rakky) >> This Week's Question << Cougars and Sugar Daddies. When there's a huge age gap and you're shagging, things are never simple: http://b3ta.com/questions/cougars/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> "Me and Iron Man" << The unlikely story of a bloke who wound up getting his Flickr pic into the recent Iron Man film. We're actually a little bit jealous. http://adactio.com/journal/1530/ >> Pushpin Mario << Excellent mosaic of the dashing plumber - made entirely by sticking pins in a wall. http://snurl.com/pinitdown >> Wikipedia wtf lists << Wouldn't Wikipedia make a smashing Christmas tie-in book? Here's a couple of the kind of pages that would make it a great stocking filler. BTW: Who would have guessed that Napoleon was, in fact, taller than average? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_death... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_misconception... >> Emergency call transcripts << Calling 999 is always a dramatic treat. Sadly, when you have to do it yourself you're too preoccupied to really appreciate it. Here are some transcripts of actual emergency calls. http://snurl.com/smoothoperator >> Emily Strange vs Nate the Great << Goth merchandising phenomenon Emily Strange owes a great deal to past-time children's favourite Nate the Great. Check out the side-by-side comparison. Hard not to see a similarity. http://youthoughtwewouldntnotice.com/blog3/ >> Nice t-shirt designs << Some clever and pretty t-shirt designs. We were particularly struck by the scowling Thomas the Tank Engine transformer. http://www.behance.net/Gallery/Glennz-Tee-Store-De... >> Belly love << Musician's fans express solidarity with their pot-bellied icon by sending in pictures of their own proud tummies. Stick it to the man! http://snurl.com/tummywar >> 45 vintage visions of the future << Cover art from old editions of Popular Mechanics, showing how they thought the future was going to be - from 1951 onwards. We are eagerly awaiting the delivery of our robotic Christmas tree decorators. http://snurl.com/thefutureisshit >> Hideous gourmet foods << People really do eat the most hideous things and the worse it is the more they insist it's a 'delicacy'. A large proportion of these are French. But then we suspect a similar list done in France would stick in stuff like Scotch Eggs and Pepperami. http://snurl.com/foodystuff >> Ladykeyboard << It's a pink computer keyboard with the 'useless' keys being given a 'fun makeover'. "There is nothing else like this currently on the market," proudly boast the manufacturers. Probably quite usable - those keys really are useless. https://www.keyboardforblondes.com/ >> The End << A large collection of "The End" movie title cards. Interesting how there are so many different ways of saying the same thing. Made us want to go off and watch a load of vintage films. http://snurl.com/endyendend ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH >> Chilly kitty << Newborn kitten enjoys a light dusting of snow. News channels take note - you should always present the weather forecast via a tiny animal's reaction to it. http://snurl.com/kittenwoos >> 'Hotdog' lol << It's his trusting obliviousness that makes this little dachshund-in-a-bun so adorable. http://snurl.com/woofs ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Stuff to spam your mum with >> Animals sing Merry Christmas << B3ta-friendly animals singing Jona Lewie's Stop the Cavalry? What are the BBC up to? http://uk.youtube.com/watch >> Kittens on a slide << "Similar to kittens on a treadmill," writes witty_ditty, "these kittens, much like salmon, attempt to brave the vertical." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kittens_on_a_slide >> Tilt shift monster trucks << Every few weeks a technique sweeps the internet and everyone who's anyone has a go - currently it's using weird lenses (or a bit of blurring and ramping up the saturation) to make real world footage look like toys. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tilt_shift_Monster_Truck... >> Macy's Day Rickrolled by Rick << "I swear life is getting too surreal," writes J-Rod, and he's right you know. http://snurl.com/metathedevilyouknow >> Sex Pistols sung by UK Politicos << "If you're desperate for the newsletter," informs Brian Millar, "there's a new Gordo/Camero mashup online." Heh, underselling is the new selling. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER We'd rather get AIDS than run this crap * IT WOULD BE UNCHARITABLE to laugh at Horn Relief... http://www.hornrelief.org/ * WANKKING HAMSTER - racetraitor spluffs, "So you want phallic roller coasters? Get a load of this one I found at Okpo Land in South Korea." http://www.daehanmindecline.com/archive/20080405ok... * PEOPLE CALLED PORNTIP - it's a real name you know. http://images.google.co.uk/images ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Xmas Card Compo Last week we wanted you to make us some Xmas cards we could send to our dead grandparents . Your favourites included: * CREDIT CRUNCH CHRISTMAS - alliteration and swearing. A double win for mofaha. http://www.b3ta.com/board/8977733 * JESUS CRADLES BOOZE - yep, pretty much how we feel in the holidays. And work days too. Thanks Joe Scaramanga. http://www.b3ta.com/board/8976983 * SANTA VS PYLON - well, Santa isn't going to win is he? (The Twisted Omentum) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8981983 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/xmascards/ >> New challenge: Anagram Photoshops << Funeral? Real fun. Robert DeNiro? Nerdier Robot. Kylie Minogue? I Like Em Young. Take a phrase or celebrity name, work out a really good anagram, and then photoshop the result. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/anagrams/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GRIPEY TWATS - Sea Tramp moans, "Pedantry, I'm afraid. But I've held my piece for more than two years now, and just can't hold it any longer. My hand's seizing up. A stock phrase on the newsletter template that hasn't changed since I signed up: 'All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here:' Please, please correct it. Highest image? Uh? Best? Most popular? Favourite? Least utterly gash? Are we voting for a 'high' image? No. It'd take very little effort to change this, and - you never know - it might just save one man from a needless nervous breakdown." Heh - now we know it's annoying we're never going to change it. We're petty - that's how we roll. * RANDOM LIBEL - boyo81 gets us into legal trouble with, "I can't tell you how disturbing it was to see the 'miming album covers' link in the latest newsletter. Not because of the link itself but rather the guy doing the mimes. He is called Matt and he used to stalk my sister for several years, even going as far as submitting a story to the publishing house she works for based on his life so far with her as a prominent love interest. Maybe this is a very odd way of continuing the stalking, as he knows she is a long time b3tan, But I hope to God it's just a horrible coincidence... He is a very strange fellow." * MORE TOAST BOLLOCKS - pgm28 mimbles, "I didn't write in last week about cooking things in the toaster because I thought that thousands of people would write in with the same answer, but apparently I was wrong. You can buy neat little things called Toastabags (www.toastabags.com) which allow you to cook quite literally anything in a toaster - burgers, chicken nuggets, eggs, bacon, you name it... I once used one to heat up a can of soup - great stuff! Every student should be issued one by the government." * TAKING THE PISS - nick-brown gushes, " Saw your question in the newsletter but one but quite frankly was too fucking lazy to write in. Anyway as the topic was progressing, I thought I'd provide you with the definitive insight. A teacher at school once told me that he and has mates at university had pondered this very question (I reckon this was back in the '70's so it would appear you've been asking one of life's eternal questions) and decided to answer it, being scientific types. Consequently the 4 of them considerately spent an extended evening in the pub, drinking as much as possible and every trip to the bog included carrying a number of pint glasses with them. Apparently from the extensive data gleaned they were able to state that (unsurprisingly, given that beer is a diuretic) for every pint you drink, you piss 1 and a quarter pints. This has informed my drinking/water management levels ever since and I pass this knowledge on in the hope that it will likewise help many of your readers." * WE LOVE DURAN DURAN - brixton bruxelles lovingly types, "In this week's newsletter, you asked for a Duran Duran song parody, so I'm sending you this abomination I created called 'Goats on Film'" Actually this is rather long so here's a remix with just the lines that made us giggle: "See them trotting hoof to hoof across the bridge at midnight Goats on Film (trotting together) Goats on Film (you want to mate her)" ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME I made this. You play this. We are enemies. In a title weirdly reminiscent of the Manic Street Preachers, "This is my truth, tell me yours" comes a game that makes less sense than your Ginger Fuhrer after a night on the heroins. And much like opiates, it is good, oh so good. http://www.secrettechnology.com/madethis/enemy6.ht... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * INTERNET VOLUME MIXER - we're eternally frustrated by having to turn iTunes on and off as internet videos demand our attention. Can someone write a hack that mixes the music down and back up automatically? * CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW HOUSE - a short video to send new home owners featuring a house that starts dancing and shouting "h-h-h-h house!" in a Paul Hardcastle stutter stylee. * A BIG INTERNET GUN TO SHOOT TROLLS WITH - just a personal request. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The G, funkenstein, tubaman, Leo Panthera, ZombieSheep, cszbinden, harry kumquat, carly291287 and heliopod. Top Tippery by Brandy Bolland Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Keep a Gameboy handy in the bathroom for leisurely shits. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: A little bit of Monica on the floor... A little bit of Jessica on the steps.... Mumbai No 5. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive