we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WE'LL ONLY LEAK OUR MAILING LIST FOR COLD HARD CASH" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Hitler BNP tantrum * SONG - Perverts on the Internet * ESCAPE - Penguin v whales ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Hitler, Perverts and Pirates >> Hitler's leaked BNP membership << Shit hits the fan in the Fuhrerbunker when Hitler finds out that the BNP membership list has been posted over the internet. Much kudos to qwghlm for a great bit of rewriting and subtitling. http://uk.youtube.com/watch >> Perverts on the Internet << Kunt and the Gang sing the plight of many randy young chaps trying to pull via teh interwebs. Disturbing mask of Kunt's mum. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Somalian Pirates << A rare venture into topical commentary from Jonti and Wonchop, with a peculiar take on recent events in Somalia. Is there no event so bad it can't be lightened with cheery Northern singing? http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Somalia/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Procrastination We are lazy bastards here at B3ta and this question was only asked to make us feel better. Go read tales on laziness here, especially BOATongism's creepy tale at number 1: http://b3ta.com/questions/procrastination/ * SPERM - "My girlfriend wants to have my baby. Yay! She's had a few problems with her lovely lady bits and so I have had to have a few tests carried out too to make sure I'm firing on all cylinders. General health assessment - check. Blood tests - check. Semen count - err, well, I actually kept putting that off. Not because I have a problem about wanking in public places, it's more because the doctors gave me a number of a clinic on Euston Road to phone and sort out my own appointment. This was back in early September. I only got round to ringing them last week. I was supposed to go down there today armed with a fresh batch of my man juice for them to count, quaff, whatever they do with it. I slept in. Got up late. Quickly knocked one out. (You're not allowed to cum for three days before giving them your best dairy produce, so it didn't take too long), and then legged it down to the tube with my man juice in a little container under my arm so I wouldn't miss my appointment. I made the appointment - just - at ten thirty... Only my specimen didn't... If you happen to be on the Northern Line, High Barnet branch today and see a small container containing what looks like spunk, well, yes, it is actually spunk..." (SpankyHanky) * ELOPED - "Several decades ago, I got married. Since we were living far away from family, and couldn't afford a big deal wedding, we simply visited the local Judge one day. We were going to call the folks that night, and tell everyone what we'd done, but it slipped our minds. The next day she thought I would call, I thought she would call, so neither of us called. We decided that it was not appropriate to say "We got married the day before yesterday" via a phone call. So, we planned a trip home the next weekend, when we would tell everyone. Things came up, and we couldn't make the trip. Before we knew it, we were a month married, and nobody except our local friends knew. We went home at Christmas with great resolve, but both families were so unkind to 'that person you're living with', that we chickened out. Next we decided to actually have the big deal wedding, on or about our anniversary. Unfortunately, neither of us spent much time planning or arranging the event - so it simply didn't happen. We finally told them on our first anniversary: "Mom, Dad - we're married." "Oh, no!" "This is a - surprise." "-----!" "What? When did that happen?" "Um, we got married last year. Today is our first anniversary." I don't recommend eloping for a full year. It doesn't ingratiate you with anyone, really. Plus, no wedding gifts. Still, it's been 30 years, so we must have done something right." (danalan) * SHIT - "I came upstairs because I needed a shit. It was 7.30pm. I noticed Mrs Norris had left the PC on in the spare room. I thought "Ooh, I haven't read qotw on B3ta for ages, I'll have a quick look." It's 11.20pm. I still need a shit." (Soapy Norris) >> This Week's Question << We'd like to know all about your family codes and rituals. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/familycodes/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Let me google that for you << Who hasn't been on a messageboard and seen someone ask a really simple question that would have taken more time to post than it would to simply google in the first place? Help is at hand with this fantastic new Patronise 2.0 service. http://letmegooglethatforyou.com/ >> How young are your ears? << Teenagers - like bats - communicate in frequencies too high-pitched for grown-ups to hear. Find out if your ears are young enough to enjoy Emo, sniffing glue and fingering in this rather neat collection of piercing frequencies. http://snurl.com/we-are-ears-older [journal_plasticmind_com] >> Tattoo fails << Seeing as we have nothing positive to say on the subject, here's three tattoo-themed jokes to get you in the mood for looking at some of the worst body art ever: * My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean. * Elton John goes to a tattooist and says "I want a Rolls Royce tattooed on my cock". "You'd be better off with a Land Rover" replies the tattooist, "It won't get stuck in the shit". * Fashions come and go, I know. But don't you think it a bit odd you never see Jewish people with those trendy little number tattoos on their wrists these days? http://flabbergastedly.com/ >> Random recipe generator << Don't know what to cook and fancy trying something new? Extra credit to anyone who actually follows any of the recipes this site comes up with and provides documentary evidence of themselves eating it. We genuinely lolled. http://jamesoff.net/site/fun/random-recipe-generat... >> Betting on real world events << The interesting thing about betting is that it reveals predictive information. Say most people are betting a win for Arsenal then there's a good chance they will win. What betting shops don't tell you though, is how other people are betting. This all changes here. Fascinating, and potentially disruptive stuff. Even if it is all for fun and not cash. http://www.hubdub.com/ >> 25 Websites that became books << We're only linking this for the vague irritation that it doesn't include any UK sites which have taken this path. We could do an answer article with Nicecupoftea, Kittenwar, B3ta (yay!), Law of the Playground etc but we simply can't be arsed. Maybe you can? Stick in a fuckload of amazon affiliates and you'll make a couple of hundred quid probably. http://snurl.com/yanky-book-twats [www_avclub_com] >> Congratulations to the happy couple << "I finally did it, married my girlfriend of 5 years. She means the world to me, I can't believe what a lucky guy I am. I never thought I would find true love, but now that I have my life is complete. Here are the pictures from our ceremony." We're saying nothing. http://snurl.com/talk-board-wedding [www_sherdog_net] >> 118 118 live feed << You can now text 118 with questions and they'll reply back, the interesting bit is watching what people ask. The really interesting bit is that we tested the service with the ego-led question "who is rob manuel?" And got back an unattributed cut-and-paste from Wikipedia. Which, we suspect, if you can be arsed to cause some trouble, COULD cause them some trouble. http://www.text118118.com/livefeed.html ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Stuff not ripped from textfiles.com >> Penguin escapes orcas << A boatload of tourists get front row seats as a wily penguin confounds the entire pod of killer whales pursuing him. http://snurl.com/p-p-p-pickupapengiun [www_b3ta_com] >> Candle project << Step-by-step instructions to build a simple, little toy from just a tealight and a length of copper tubing. Excellent. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Look_what_mums_getting_f... >> Cat + robot cleaner << Looking like a feline equivalent of the Mekon, a surprisingly serene cat sits atop one of those automatic vacuum cleaner jobbies as it spins and whirls around the carpet. http://www.b3ta.com/links/THIS_IS_THE_FUTURE >> Stupid exercise machine << Investor video for a fitness device so oddly misguided it beggars belief. There is such a thing as thinking too far outside the box. A treadmill that - get this - moves along as you run. http://www.burbia.com/node/2113 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Double shaft rollover week, bonus balls * MORE COCK LOGOS - "thought you might like this logo I saw while driving yesterday" (The Elcat) http://snurl.com/lol-penis [s35_photobucket_com] * SHADOW PENIS - "My cock-fixated girlfriend snapped this glorious array of todgers made of pure sunlight at Westminster Bridge, London." (twmdavies) http://www.flickr.com/photos/sandmaiden/2938543486... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Daily Mail Challenge Last week we gave you three words: The Daily Mail. Your favourites included: * EXPRESS - rather brilliant exposé on the science of headline creation (zeltergiset) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8934955 * SITH - sometimes, the foreigners are from further away than usual (plentyofants) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8935538 * DOG - how the papers see the news differently (Checkinguponmeagain?) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8931581 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dailymail/ >> New challenge: Recreating Albums << Using just what you have about you, recreate your favourite album cover. Photoshopping album covers doesn't count. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/recreatedalbums/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * IMPROVED 80s NUMBER ONES QUIZ - Frankie Pigeon: "Loved guessing the number 1s of the 80's last week, but it took half an hour to listen to and had loads of lyrics in that gave the game away. To make amends I have created a perfectly sequenced 80's quiz using musical bits only (no lyrics) which will only take 5 minutes to listen to, but might just keep you wondering about for hours." If you get all 36 you are officially old/sad/musically well-informed (delete as applicable) http://www.b3ta.com/links/246559 * SPIDER vs. BANK INTERVIEW - A Perth newspaper caught up with the bloke who tried to pay off his overdraft with a sketch of a spider, as featured an issue or two ago. Thanks to ex-pat Pat for the link to a nice little interview. http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21498,2467... * "WE FOUND A TROLL" LIES! - As many of you pointed out, last week's QOTW story of drug-addled revellers was, and is, a great big urban legend. "It's Snopetastic," said deane1980: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/drugs/closet.asp * TOILET PISS MEASURER - We demanded a way of telling just how huge our mighty pisses really are. "The easy way to do this is to piss into a kitchen measuring jug," informs Ruddles. "I can tell you that a normal piss is about a pint. Remember to wash the jug afterwards." Or Madonna will be round, licking the inside of it. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Mental cooking thing "PETA have apparently lost their minds and made a parody of a game called Cooking Mama for the DS.", writes n.d.turton, "They were upset with the fact that it features too much meat, so they made an ironic version which called 'Cooking Mama: Mama Kills Animals'. I think they intended it to be shocking, but it's actually rather cool and I imagine much better than the original." http://www.peta.org/cooking-mama/index.asp BTW: We've stuck up an archive of all the old Friday Games. Thanks Cr3 for coding that for us. Woo hoo. http://b3ta.com/funstuff/games/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WHAT ELSE CAN YOU COOK IN A TOASTER? A hamburger? A Findus Crispy Pancake? A very thin calzone pizza? * MAKE YOUR OWN GLUE - glue's traditionally made from horses. Can you make adhesive from the dead birds your cat brings in? * OPIUM HONEY - feed your bees pollen from the heroin poppies and make some Honey Nut Smack. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- TANKS: Sherman, Panzer IV, and the Churchill Crocodile which threw flames! How cool is that? This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Lord Gnome. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Barbarossa. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: We were saddened to hear the news of Baby P's death. 'Let Me Be Your Fantasy' was one of the best dance music singles of the 90s. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive