we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HOW DOES IT CHANGE MANY DYSLEXICS TO TAKE A LIGHT-BULB?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SELLOTAPE - Tesco Value Spiderman * VIDEO - What it feels like to be immolated * CHALLENGE - The Daily Mail!? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Spiderman vs Sellotape << "A couple of newsletters back B3ta asked how much sticky tape it would take to climb a wall?" spluffs Tom Scott, "It, er, it doesn't work all that well. My arm hair's steadily growing back." Wow, and for an encore can you catch a pig and eat it by injecting it with digestive enzymes then drinking it like soup? Please? http://www.tomscott.com/spiderman/ >> Joel Veitch vs pigs << Pork talk 101: * Babe - The quite wondrous film that turned a nation of toddlers vegetarian - didn't receive a theatrical release in Malaysia. It wasn't halal. * Pigs do not have functional sweat glands. Unlike Joel who has 2 million. * Joel's new song is rather amusing. http://rathergood.com/pigs/ >> Stephen Fry vs Jay-Z << Jay-Z, or Mr Beyonce as almost nobody calls him has "99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One". Unless, that is, the bitch is WordBomb who's synced up the 2003 smash with a Stephen Fry interview. We hope Jay-Z puts a cap in his ass. A contraceptive cap that is, as we all know Fry supports safe sex. (Although he did get AIDS in Peter's Friends.) http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_best_thing_weve_ever... >> Fire vs camera << Morrissey once sang, "Now I know how Joan of Arc felt as the flames rose to her Roman nose and her Walkman started to melt." And now? You can know too, in this brilliantly-conceived project from Tim 'politi-lols' Ireland who's made a Guy with a CCTV for a head, then filmed from within a bonfire. http://snurl.com/ouchyouchy [www_b3ta_com] ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Last week: Stuff you've found You know the score: we ask questions and you tell us lies. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's pages and pages of brain-freezing meh. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/found/ * WE FOUND A TROLL - "A group of friends decide to spend a day on acid. One of them doesn't want to partake and says he'll pop round and see them later when it's all stopped being a bit too mental. "He calls round at the house early evening where the group of friends live. One of them opens up the door with massive saucer eyes and a slightly worried look on his face. He beckons the non drugged chap inside. "The straight guy (Mark) asks how their day went, and the guy who is still clearly off his gourd on ecstasy pipes and looking seriously worried whispers 'We found a troll'. "Mark decides to humour him and carries on by asking where they found it. He replies 'We found it in the playground of the local park, it was just sitting there, so we brought it home.' "So Mark asks if he could see the troll. 'Yeah, it's in the kitchen' comes the reply. "Mark nervously opens the kitchen door, not knowing what he might find. What he sees, sitting on a stool and happily munching biscuits, is... a man with Downs Syndrome. "They had actually taken this poor guy home with them. After pissing himself with laughter, Mark did the right thing and found out where this guy lived and took him home." (drshipman) * DOLPHIN/BMX -"Walking on the beach, I found a dolphin's arse (or possibly a porpoise). I say 'arse' - it was kind of the section from the back of its fin to the start of where its tail should be. Next to the arse was a bent BMX bike. "I expect they were just randomly washed up together, but I like to think they were the tragic result of a dolphin's over-ambitious BMX stunt." (superscape) * DON'T READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO FEEL SAD - "I found an old camcorder tape. Well, when I say camcorder, it was a battered Amstrad affair from the days before the word 'camcorder' even existed. A camera that was powered by my dad's car-battery charger. "Anyway, the tape was one of those that goes into a standard-size VHS cassette so you can watch the tapes on a normal VCR. Who said Alan Sugar produces shite? "I'd given up hope and thought the tape was gone for good, but I found it in the VHS 'caddy' in an old VCR in the loft. I rigged it up and played the tape. "A few seconds of that snow and the picture came on. Still of good quality. "It was footage my mother had recorded in 1993 of my eldest brother (who passed away nearly 7 years ago of some diabetes-related complication) helping my first-born learn to walk. "I cried a little. and then some more." (Maudlin McCann) >> This Week: Procrastination << We'd like you to, um, well there's these pens on the desk we like spinning, ooh our favourite blog has a new post, gosh is it time for lunch already? http://www.b3ta.com/questions/procrastination/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Pretty lady! << Men, if you ever get a special girl, make sure you post pics of her in a bikini on your favourite body-building website. We've been sent this link ooh 5 times this week; there's something here people are finding funny but we hesitate to spell it out. Those in glass houses should not mention Brian Peppers and all that. http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php >> Ladies who lunch << Like drug addicts looking for fresh highs, keen masturbators are always looking for new material to make that tug feel like the first spooge they ever had. Well, look no further: what you need is young ladies drinking cups of tea. Ooh, they might burn their lips! ...The erotic possibilities are simply endless. http://teabirds.blogspot.com/ >> Spider email vs. bank << We can't stand our bank. Every time we visit they try to flog us a "Gold" account, which doesn't mean free Terry's All Gold when we withdraw cash but free travel insurance for only £15 per month. It's got to the point where we visibly shudder on passing the branch. Anyway, loving this bit of bank-baiting whimsy. http://franksemails.com/pics/spider-payment/ >> 50 strange buildings << Nice big chunk of architectural whimsey. If you like looking at images of unusual dwellings you're well catered-for here. The Luxor casino looks pretty bog-standard in amongst this lot. http://villageofjoy.com/50-strange-buildings-of-th... >> Wooden brain << NHS managers! Looking for product ideas to sell in your hospital-based gift shops? Simply rip off this fantastic idea: glue some MRI scans to a few wooden blocks, and it'll make a great puzzle that your patients can take home as a lovely souvenir of their brain cancer experience. http://neil.fraser.name/news/2008/01/04/ >> Geeky marketing stuff << Bloke notices signs on lawns advertising websites and uncovers a multi-million pound business that almost no-one has heard of. Useful background info for those of us that end up in awful endless conversions about the margins of marketing. Er, that's just us then. http://snurl.com/for_the_nerds [themetricsystem_rjmetrics_com] ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Hedgehog wears a hat Famous hat-wearers include The Edge from U2 (hides his bald spot) and G'n'R's Axl Rose (for similar reasons). So what does this little hedgehog have to hide? Perhaps he should comb his spines over instead. http://snurl.com/cutewethink [www_hedgehogcentral_com] ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Adding the letters "un" to the word "funny" * MATRIX RUNNING ON WINDOWS - oh pity poor Microsoft, their brand has become such shorthand for crap that we were grinning even before watching the video. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1886349 * SQUIRRELS DANCING TO JACKO - nice bit of video editing for which we couldn't suppress a smile. SQUIRREL FACT: their meat is more tender than chicken. http://www.youtube.com/watch * DIZZEE RASCAL ON PAXMAN - quite who's doing the booking on Newsnight these days? Jo Whiley? Mr Rascal seems more than a bit out of his depth but comes across quite well as he cheerfully blags his way through. http://snurl.com/hahahahahahaha [www_b3ta_com] * IN YOUR FACE OBAMA - Adam Buxtom 'shops his gob onto Barack's lips for some DIY lols. http://www.b3ta.com/links/IN_YOUR_FACE * 500 IMPRESSIONS IN TWO MINUTES - we're thinking of tackling a similar one, if only we could think of 500 famous gingers. http://www.b3ta.com/links/500_Impressions_in_2_Min... * THE FUTURE OF ALL FILMING - Loving this 360 degree camera. Imagine being able to control the camera from the edit. That, dear reader, that would be heaven. http://proteinos.com/blogs/2008/03/immersive-360-d... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Long, slow depression has set in * SECRET PENIS - "Saw this advertised on the TV today (channel FIVE in the UK). The design of the 3-pack looks like a cock, and what's more it's heading for someone's arse!" (kevinleah) http://snk.co.nz/files/images/CuraHeat_prod_0.prev... * MR & MRS BIG COCK -"This was a wedding announcement in my local newspaper." (brian_shuford) http://snurl.com/cockylols [www_shelbystar_com] * BEST ORAL - "It's fun seeing the words BJ Champion scrawled across the side of a church." ([DTMX]) http://www.bjchampion.co.uk/ * ANOTHER CROTCH REFENECE = "Sir Jock Stirrup, British Chief of the Defence Staff" (cynthiakennedy) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jock_Stirrup ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Macho Challenge Last week we wanted you design products for real men. Your favourites included: * GILLETTE - five blades? That's for ladies. This is a proper shave (addickted) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8908303 * TABASCO - the Chuck Norris range of facial products proves to be a tough sell (blowfelt) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8909162 * MANDRILL - the ultimate in power-tool pornography (PointlessCamel) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8909841 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/macho/ >> New challenge: The Daily Mail << B3ta is issuing you a three-word challenge: The Daily Mail. Challenge suggested by The Great Architect. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dailymail/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * COOKIES WIN! - "Top Tip Success. I tried your Top Tip in issues 352 and have to say my biccies were very nice. Although I had to make a little addition to the recipe and increase the cooking time." (goldenlad) http://flickr.com/photos/goldenlad/3016228212/ * OCD DIET SUCCESS - "Haha.. thanks for posting my OCD Diet in your newsletter. It seems I've caused quite an Internet storm. It really comes to something when NBC have nothing better to do than take someone like me seriously!" (oucheh) http://snurl.com/ocdfoodystuff [www_nbcchicago_com] * PUB STYLE PEANUT BUTTER - "In Los Angeles branches of Whole Foods, the hippy grocery shop that I never go to ever, there is a machine to make your own peanut butter. Similar to the coffee grinding machines, you just stick a tub underneath, and peanuts in the top. The oil in the nuts makes it creamy. I guess doing it with dry roasted would add flavour. What about pork scratchings?" (mjp) * HELLO CUNTY - diyjoe whom some of you will remember for his many swearing projects of past times writes, "The ex-president of internet swearing returns, and bringeth with him new wonders from the land of profanity. Introducing 'Hello Cunty' - powered by the Twunt500, the artificially intelligent swearing mainframe." http://www.hellocunty.com ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Caption the photo Think you're funny? The challenge is to write a lol-worthy caption for a random photo in under a minute, and beat the other players in the round. We absolutely loved playing this and this week we've found ourselves coming back time and time again. http://captionx.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something super-wicked and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HOW OLD WERE THEY WHEN THEY DID THAT? John Lennon was 26 when he wrote 'I am the Walrus'. Hitler was 50 when he invaded Poland. We want a site where people can upload facts and make themselves feel bad (or good) about their lack of relative accomplishments. * TOILET PISS MEASURER - who knows how much you piss? It could be 50ml or a litre, as bogs keep the water on a level there's no easy way of telling. We demand change. * BUILD A GARDEN SHED WITH LEGO - and live in it for a week. Complete with lego bog. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Sub: [email protected] Dom: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob "Urban Mole" Manuel with David "scribbletits" Stevenson. We're not rapists, we're just a bit deaf, You can't arrest us, that's discrimination. Stuff sent in by win_daddy. Top Tippery by MeekMan. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser "THE WORD, Word, word..." Lewry. Mike "Rimed Tinker" Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via andy19chelsea. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Always sleep on an angry letter. When you wake up, if you still feel like sending it, you're bound to have thought up loads more hurtful things to put in it while you slept. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: When Barack Obama was performing his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass. I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive