we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HITTING YOUR INBOX FOR MERELY A SECOND BEFORE BEING FORWARDED TO OFCOM" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BOOK (sort of) - I Spot Internet Humour * VIDEO - 2 Pumpkins 1 Veitch * SONG - Let's Talk About Sachs Baby ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Advertising is healthy and tastes yummy. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Lots and lots of brilliant things. Promise >> I Spot Internet Humour << Your newsletter team of Rob and Dave have been hard at work writing crap jokes and drawing the fifty best web memes according, well, to us. As is the nature of lists, undoubtedly you'll disagree and ask, "Where's Tub Girl?" And our answer? "We haven't seen your mum since she last gave us a biscuit." http://www.e4.com/wtf/internet-humour/index.html >> 2 pumpkins 1 cup << With a sense of timing like Helen Keller playing the drums, Joel Veitch brings you your chance to celebrate Halloween nearly a year early. We wouldn't have run this but it's actually quite disgusting and rather funny. Much like Joel's micro-penis. http://rathergood.com/2pumpkins1cup/ >> Andrew Sachs song << "Dear b3ta," trills Giant_Squid, "I think it would be tantamount to criminal if this song, by b3ta member 'housed' about Andrew Sachs and the obscene phone calls concerning his granddaughter, did not make next week's newsletter. I've just listened to it three times in succession - bottled genius, I tell you." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sachs_Revenge >> Channel Five documentary generator << Our favourite C5 title? "Was Hitler Gay?" - the show itself, 45 minutes of people going, "Probably not, there's not much evidence for it" lacked somewhat. Quin Parker is on a similar tip here, and gosh those C5 commissioning guys are going to feel so bloody satirised that they'll blink nervously and start playing with the calendar on their iPhones. Or not. http://quinparker.com/channel-five/ >> Ewan McGregor's rubbish mate << Famous people often have a crap side-kick. They're there because they can't sort out their own lives and the celeb needs the company / someone to carry their bags. B3tard BIG FACE has been on the case with that guy who was in the Sky show with Ewan and a motorbike. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ewan_and_Thingy_Pulling_... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Eccentrics Last week we asked you to tell us about the nutty behaviour of the people you know: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/ * WHO'S THE NUTTIEST? In a story that twists like the Douglas Adam's anecdote with the biscuits at the service station comes Woofie and his 'sunglasses on the train' spot. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/post29127... * ELECTRIC GRANDAD - "He went to a charity shop, purchased some electric blankets...and has sewn an outfit from them. Trousers and jacket! He simply wanders about his house and garden, plugged into the mains by means of a large extension cord. Often in the garden, he's on his mini tractor, still plugged in." (Completely Underwhelmed) http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/post29420... * MY FRIENDS MUM HAS ALZHEIMERS - "We always took carrots, because she liked to give them to horses in the field next door. They'd come over and she would stand, gobsmacked as the horses literally took the carrots from the palm of her hand. "One day whilst this was happening, a van pulled up, and the driver asked me for some directions. As I was explaining, my friend's mum came over and stood next to me staring at the driver. She watched him intently, then reached in her little bag and held out her palm, with a carrot resting on top, right under the van drivers nose. He looked confused. He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. "My friend's mum got annoyed and shoved the carrot forcefully right into his mouth. "We've never laughed so hard in our lives. Terrible really." (I have run out of coke ) http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/post29138... >> This Week's Question << After four months of nagging we had a moment of weakness and allowed ScaryDuck to do his "stuff I've found" question. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/found/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by people who occasionally email us >> Rescue cats! << Another week, another way of using Google to find photos of cats. This week it's cats being rescued by firemen. Next week? Cats rubbing their kitty-nipples until they spunk milk. http://funpresident.com/ >> C-C-C-C-Combo breaker! << Phrase used on messageboards to 'break' a spate of duplicate or themed posts. eg. poster 1: Where's that askjeeves site? p2: google it p3: google it p4: google it p5: C-C-C-C-Combo breaker! And where do you think this might be used this week? http://snurl.com/clickitandfindout [i205_photobucket_com] >> Single man scribbles on his walls << Men! Save money on decorating your bachelor pad simply by drawing on your walls with a felt-tip. We'd be trying this now except when our missus got home she'd immediately phone a local decorator and present us with the bill. http://snurl.com/penisfun [www_heraldleaderphoto_com] >> Argos Catalogue USSR << Three facts about Russia: 1. The USSR disbanded in 1991, the same year Color Me Badd had a number 1 hit with "I Wanna Sex You Up" 2. "Russians Love Their Children Too" is known in paedophile circles as 'The Sting Defence' 3. The Soviet Argos fucking well rocked: http://englishrussia.com/#more-2104 >> AC/DC Excel Video viral marketing bollocks << We knew if we waited long enough that ASCII videos would become fashionable again. Wonder if Guns'n'Roses want our ideas for launching their new album with some exciting Word clip art? http://www.acdcrocks.com/excel/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Unusual animal friendships There are many pairings in life that are simply wrong: * Mayonnaise and butter on a sandwich - you don't need two types of fat, you fatty. * Socks and sandals - although new rave kids probably do this now. Whilst wearing glasses last seen on Timmy Mallet. FFS. * Kittens and budgies - look, see: http://www.secondose.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/1... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like that shitty bit on Sky News that's all fuzzy * LOOK AT THIS AND GO TO JAIL - we're seriously wondering if this counts as kiddy porn. Whatever it is, you really don't want to see this. Absolutely not. NSFW. http://www.totallycrap.com/videos/videos_worst_job... * FAN SINGS JOHN WILLIAMS - Everyone knows this man's tunes, but only film nerds bother remembering his name. John Williams is not Serena and Venus's dad, but the bloke who wrote the themes for Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Superman. http://b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_to_the_tunes_of_Jo... * HEART OF COGS - art and engineering meet in this eloquent metaphor for a man's soul: my heart is complex, geeky and quite beautiful but a bugger to fix if you break it. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Geared_Heart * CAT IN A BOTTLE - the trick of getting a ship into a bottle is putting it in a bit at a time with long tweezers and being very, very patient. Which is almost exactly unlike this. http://www.youtube.com/watch * GEORGE FORMBY GRILL - props to the team at Popmash who are still turning out amusing and nicely drawn work. http://www.b3ta.com/links/George_Forby_Grill ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Please, somebody, send us some lithium * BEST EMAIL COCK-UP EVER - Council sends road sign for translation and... well, we won't spoil the joke. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/7702913.stm * KIDS LOVE BLOWING COCKS - we assume they use the soap to wash away the sin. http://snurl.com/satans_children [www_spilsbury_com] * MAPLE SYRUP OMG - to get sap out of a tree you bleed it with a tap, but in this logo it doesn't half look like a dripping cock. http://snurl.com/quibblemydribble [failblog_files_wordpress_com] * MATCHMAKER COOKIES - now with cool minty black cocks. An ideal aperitif for an election night celebration. http://snurl.com/wevotedmccain [i236_photobucket_com] * BEAVER CLEANING - Darfbozo writes, "Spotted a van outside my house last week, was too dark to take a decent photo, but looked him up on the interweb. Take a look at his company name, then the review at the bottom from my hastily-conjured 'Mrs V Gina'." http://snurl.com/donotvandaliseok [www_citylocal_co_uk] ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the US Election Challenge Last week we wanted to mock the American Presidential race. Your favourites included: * MADNESS - John McCain out-nutties the nutty boys (TheCastrator) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8885400 * SPIDERPALIN - Homer plays tribute to the psychotic hockey mum (badg3r) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8888100 * IMPEACH - Bill Clinton ponders on the ejaculate-splashed unfairness of it all (Holly Would) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8885263 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/election/ >> New challenge: Macho Products << In tribute to X Factor star Sinitta still fitting into her So Macho outfit 23 years on, we want the manly products. Stuff that Andy McNabb and Chuck Norris would buy. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/macho/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SHORT-TERM MEMORY ERRORS, Olembe (amongst others) wrote in to crow, "Hoorah: a chance to wave my PhD around! "The short-term memory game featured in the newsletter will generally allow you to remember more than 7 items* as it used pictures of real, concrete objects. Pictures of real objects are particularly easy to remember. Thanks to a chap called Al Paivio, we know when you try to remember a picture of, say, a black kitten, you create two memories: a memory of the picture you saw AND a memory of the words that popped into your head when you saw the picture ('Oh, a black kitten'). So because you've got a memory of the picture AND a memory of the words, you're more likely to remember a picture of a kitten than if you just heard the word 'kitten'. "Cool fact: Alan Paivio was a championship bodybuilder before becoming a psychologist. Look him up on Google images and you'll see him in action. How many other disciplines can boast a researcher who can come up with a top theory AND kick physicists' heads in? "* Actually the theory is 7 ± 2 items, rather than 7." * ALL 80s NUMBER 1s INTROS IN ONE MP3 - we challenged you, dear readers, to glue this together so that we could listen to it. Props to Fonz for giving it a go - and what a head trip it is. Other members tried a video version, but for our money having to guess the titles is much more fun. http://www.b3ta.com/links/80s_Number_1_intros ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Stock market game Best idea we've seen for a while - takes snapshots of real sharetrading prices from history and you click buy or sell. That we lost $70k in 5 minutes suggest that we're best staying well away from the real thing. Genius stuff. http://www.inspectd.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * RETRO ARGOS CATALOGUES, we saw some Russian stuff earlier, but we'd love to see what Argos was flogging in the 70s or 80s. Are there any hoarders with an OCD attitude to scanning out there? * WORLD'S LONGEST FIREMAN'S POLE - just wondering how long could you make one? Or would your rate of descent get too dangerous? * PUB-STYLE PEANUT BUTTER - Would a packet of KP into a blender make something you could spread on toast? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob "air quotes" Manuel with David (brackets) Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Felchman, reject_jon & robneymcplum. Top Tippery by Digeridude. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. And so is his wife. Subjline from Captain Wow. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Four out of five holes in your head are the exact same shape and size as your finger. This is not a coincidence. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: A very common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time. One to cook, one to clean. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive