we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "MIGHT AS WELL READ IT, YOU'RE GONNA GET FIRED ANYWAY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BLACK PUDDING - Or is it art? * VEITCH - On a subject close to his heart * VASECTOMY - You don't want to see this ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Blubber << Joel sings the praises of the blubbery walrus-beast of northern climes. Ravetastic! http://rathergood.com/blubber/ >> Pudding effigies << "I've had a go at the classic Wonder and McCartney hit 'Ebony and Ivory'" blurts an excited Sickpuppy. "I made them out of black and white pudding. Beat racism with artery blocking goodness!" Then he ate them. http://www.fatuous.co.uk/2008/10/04/together-in-pe... >> Lord Manley's vasectomy << In case you're morbidly curious about what it's like to have 'the snip', Lord Manley has photos and videos of his vasectomy for you to enjoy. Not safe for work, if your work frowns on pictures of angry scrotums. http://havingapoo.blogspot.com/2008/10/vasectomy.h... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA BOOK OF THE MONTH Venn That Tune "I'm B3tan salvadorevincent and have had a few front pages over the years (Internet in cassette form, Evel Knievel's hearse, Top Trump Deities)" "I've just written a book and I'm very excited and proud of it. It's called 'Venn That Tune' and is over 100 classic song titles in the form of Venn diagrams and graphs." And you know what? He's sent us a copy and it's great. Works extremely well as a quiz. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/034095567... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Common as muck Last week we wanted to know what you saw as common. This generated a huge flame war of snobbery, one-upmanship and hate. Excellent: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/common/ * COMMON MUMS - I used to work in an opticians in Essex. I think the most common thing I ever was the woman who, when booking her children in for eye tests, checked her tattoos for their dates of birth. (Mrs Liveinabin) * COMMON GRANS - when I lived in Newcastle there was a banner hanging outside of a house that read "HAPPY 30th GRANDMA". (cowjam) >> This Week's Question: Meanness << Know any grumpy skinflints? Tell us tales of pointless tightwaddery: http://b3ta.com/questions/tightwads/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Blender Defender << Strobe light and blender in one cat-scaring package. Stops them getting into things they shouldn't while simultaneously creating h-h-h-hilarious YouTubeable footage of their startled little faces. http://www.plasma2002.com/blenderdefender/ >> Food sculptures << Arty, inventive models made of fruit and bread. Hope they ate them all up afterwards. There are people starving, you know. http://www.wambie.com/foto_br-272.html >> Sickie woo!<< Bloke takes a sickie because he's hungover. He makes one fatal error in his plan to get away with it. (From the pages of The Reg) http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/10/23/sickie_woo... >> Atheist bus banners << There's been a lot of evangelical groups advertising on public transport lately. The atheists have decided to get in on the act - here's their appeal to raise money for the ads. http://www.justgiving.com/atheistbus >> Jazzy dogshit << Repelled by the mounds of dogdirt defacing New York's fair streets, these guys tackle the problem by decorating it and taking pictures. http://sprinklebrigade.com/ >> US racism politilols << One of Howard Stern's 'reporters' does a vox pop on the presidential race. His misleading questions uncover massive ignorance and a slightly uncomfortable degree of racism. http://uk.youtube.com/watch >> The diabetes healing tone << Peculiar quackery popping up on various filesharing sites, claiming to be a sonic cure for Type I and Type II diabetes. The accompanying text is so lunatic as to set our hoax alarms a-tingling. But it's the internet - who can tell? Maybe it's just mental illness? http://snurl.com/quackslikeaduck [thepiratebay_org] >> Skip conversions << Skips - irritating obstacle when you're trying to park in your road... or an extra, swimming pool or living room? You can probably guess what this bunch reckon. http://www.oliverbishopyoung.co.uk/conversions.htm... >> Awesome high-definition screengrabs << Genuinely enjoyed perusing these side-by-side comparisons of James Bond on various disc formats. Amazing how much detail you can get on your modern Blu-Ray thingy. Shame it's the laserdisc de nos jours. http://www.dvdbeaver.com/film/DVDReviews25/thunder... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Weak lols for the simple minded >> Claymation chess << So simple and good that we really wish we'd done it. Animated chess pieces take each other out in a match of escalating violence and visual inventiveness. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Clay_Stop_Motion_Chess >> Monkey Segway Action You even need a write up for this? It's a monkey. Riding a Segway. Click the link! http://in.youtube.com/watch >> Mind control brain fungus << Another 'isn't Nature horrid' moment - Cordyceps takes control of an ant's brain, forces it to climb upwards, then sprouts out of its head like an evil tentacle. Lucky there isn't a variety that preys on humans... or is there? Brr. http://b3ta.com/links/Get_out_of_my_head_GET_OUT_O... >> Talking starling << We had no idea the birds could speak before we watched this vid. Frankly, we're not sure after watching it either. It's an eerie, husky sound that quite put the wind up us. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Starling_speaking_in_ton... >> Anti-priest spray << Spray away your clergyman woes, claims this spoof ad. Quite funny, but we liked their logo sting at the end more than anything. National Banana may take over from Moooonpig on the never-ending jingle loop that haunts our brains. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Priest_Off >> DJ broadcasts through the flames << Radio presenter gamely keeps his programme on air, seemingly unfazed by the fact that a console behind him is belching fire and smoke. http://www.koreus.com/video/grece-radio-feu.html >> Credit crunch report sabotage << Brokers stitch each other up in the background of a TV stock market report. http://snurl.com/crunchy_credit [www_b3ta_com] >> Toytown photography << We're just suckers for that tilt-shift photography stuff. Here's a lovely one, with yachts and a wedding and ting. http://www.vimeo.com/1953467 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Ten bonus points if you scrolled to here first * CUNT - "This is the way the light goes through my window at just the right time of day," says Mike. "At least I finally know what God thinks of me." http://snurl.com/stainedcrass [img4012_photobox_co_uk] * BRADLEY DICK - when you're stuck with a funny-sounding name don't hide it; run with it. Check out the personal logo of this equine photographer - has to be deliberate. Has to be. http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/8623/dicklogoxq... * MILKY BAR COCK - It's a strange feeling when you're munching down a chocolate bar and suddenly realise it's decorated with spunky cocks. Thanks fizzyorguk for sharing that... 31640378@N04/2961855746/" target="_blank">http://www.flickr.com/photos/31640378@N04/29618557... 31640378@N04/2961855862/" target="_blank">http://www.flickr.com/photos/31640378@N04/29618558... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Real Art Challenge Last week we wanted you to recreate famous works of art using real life objects. Your favourites included: * LEGO NIGHTHAWKS - Edward Hopper's American classic recast in knobbly plastic (hazymemory) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8837602 * STAR WARS LAST SUPPER - A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, dinner was served (hYpe) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8850710 * ESCHER REPTILES - the original 2D classic performed in actual 3D. Our heads literally hurt just thinking about it (unstableOvine) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8860007 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realart/ >> New challenge: Extreme Horses << We love horses, and we're sure you do too. But imagine how much better it would be if they were adrenaline junkies, with their own horsey X-Games and everything! Challenge suggested by SkUG http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extremehorses/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CYPRESS HILL FURTIVE - "If anyone happens to be going to Freesports On 4 Freeze at Battersea Power Station this Saturday (October 25), I managed to sneak a rather prominent Furtive Bear into the visuals for Cypress Hill's 'Weed Medley'." brags Intesvensk. "B3ta represent." Yay! This makes us happy. * AWESOME PEELER - the bombastic kitchen utensil ad featured last week is genuine, confirms oldschool b3tard Tony Blews. "I would buy one," he continues, "but Smash doesn't need peeling." http://snurl.com/the_peel_thing [www_kitchenaria_com] * DIGERIDOO CURES SLEEP APNEA? Bollocks does it, says Lord Turkey Boy. "I have sleep apnea and I have played the didgeridoo for 12 years. It has made sod all difference to me. In fact if anything I have got worse." So there you go, ignore the doctor if she prescribes you a didgeridoo. * DE-NOTED (from last week's newsletter) IS made by "our mates". B3tard acid_kewpie reminds us that he started the site last year and we featured it in the newsletter back then too. Doh. This is why we are now insisting that every site we mention is required to bear a banner saying "As Featured On B3ta.com". You hear us, Google? It's MANDATORY! * MISO HORNSEY does not exist. Sorry to all the disappointed and bewildered noodle-lovers who wrote in. The closest you'll get is 123 Stroud Green Road. On the other hand, if you were thinking of starting a restaurant in the area you'd have a jingle ready-made by Joel. * TA MUCHLY for the plug, says b3tarded film editor extraordinaire Swedemason. "Im gonna use this exposure to try and get some painting and decorating work through my YouTube profile." You go, girlfriend - dreams can come true! ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BESTIALITY VS ANIMAL SIZE - 4dam ponders, "If I fucked a ladybird, hell if I even squashed it with my erect penis after intercourse, and went into the police station and confessed to my crime, I don't think they would do anything. What is the largest animal I could fuck without fear of recourse? Would it be illegal to fuck an egg, fresh from a chicken's minge?" * GPS vs THE KNOWLEDGE - race a friendly local cabby between two random points in London. Who wins? * RETRO SNACKS - what's the oldest packet of crisps you can buy? And what does 20 year old Monster Munch actually taste like? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mookay, dsrjarman, diamondflamer, Tsnafu, U2031, chickenlady, goldenlad, chinnyhill10, luvtub, neal_lorna, Mac Johnson, NJtoTX, sarahhauk, hcr. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Word up to b4ta. Subjlols via Mrs Trellis. Q1 Answer: a human. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: * TESCO VALUE SPECS - "Forgotten or lost your glasses? Get a piece of card and put a hole though it with a pin. Hold it close to your eye and you will find that you can see though this just as well as you can through your glasses.", claims Mrs Liveinabin. And you know what? We've just tried it and it really does sharpen up our vision. * SHITTY PILLOWS - If you fill a whoopee cushion with brown sauce, it will make it look like the person who sat on it has followed through. (samgasm) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: My girlfriend likes it doggy style. It's great, because she fetches my paper and slippers afterwards. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive