we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SPINNING ORIENTAL PEOPLE ROUND AND MAKING THEM DISORIENTATED" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ART - Your piss-poor recreations * COMMON PEOPLE - Your opinion matters * HEADLINES - Made you look, made you stare ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Comics, Clay, Catchphrases and Soup >> Miso << Joel hungers for noodles and is ultra-pleased with this, arguably the lamest joke you can make about a Japanese restaurant in North-East London. You'll groan too. http://rathergood.com/miso/ >> Recession comix << Ben Wheatley's been jotting down depressing, little, misanthropic thoughts and has made a comic out of them. We particularly liked 'Stone Cold Killa'. http://snurl.com/wheatley [issuu_com] >> Jib Jab claymation << The latest batch of singing, dancing stuff from Rob and Dave is online. We're particularly pleased with this lot, as we experimented with claymation and it came out nicer than we'd hoped. Check out Snowman or Stupid Clients (which is a thinly-disguised plasticine Rob). http://www.robmanuel.com/2008/10/16/more-jibjab/ >> "Get in the Back of the Van!" << Swedemason has made a new vid. "It's just that bit from Withnail & I looped a bit," he confesses, "But seems to have some strange power. Have a look when you get a sec." http://uk.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Spoilt little brats Last week we wanted to know how your life had been ruined by whiny, spoilt little brats: http://b3ta.com/questions/spoiltbrats/ We've left out the story of the kid who crushed two kittens rather than let someone else have them to bring you these: * VICTORIA - "was studying classics but found studying at university to be 'trying'. Highlights of her stay included: * adding a pizza to our order and then refusing to pay for it because she 'only had a little pizza and we could sort it out'; * refusing to pay for fairly-split gas and electricity bills as 'she didn't use any' (switching off her radiator and disconnecting her room from the electricity soon got results); * trying to get us to agree to have one of her horses in the back garden, living out of a trailer. We said no but she had the horse brought down anyway. She soon had him taken back to her stables when we called the RSPCA to come and inspect our property and they threatened to prosecute her. In the end we kicked her out. Then we had a party. Then we were sick. Then we went to McDonalds. Then we were sick again." (powervator) * OLIVIA - "We had a huge turn over of trainee accountants at a previous job. The partners employed trainees less on their potential to become accountants and rather more on the ability of their tits to defy gravity. I suggested I ask some technical questions at the next interview. Olivia. She was absolutely stunning and the partners were dribbling down their ties at the sight of her. Even though her CV read like a list of the world's most pointless subjects the interview lasted an hour longer than any of the other candidates. She'd been head girl at school, captain of the hockey team, had a pony and had completed a WHOLE week of work experience at Daddy’s company. We heard a lot about Daddy and his company. Then it was my turn to ask my technical questions. Let's see if you can answer them, but be warned, they are a bit technical: 'Hello Olivia.' *Eyelashes flutter* 'How did you get here today?' 'Umm, Daddy gave me a lift.' 'How will you be getting home?' 'Daddy is waiting for me outside' 'If we were to offer you the role, how would you get to work every day?' 'I... I don’t know.' The moronic fuckers still wanted to hire her, saying that she seemed keen. I managed to convince them that the 18-year-old lad with A-Levels in accountancy & law might just be a more suitable candidate. He had also passed my technical questions with flying colours, having driven to the park and ride and caught the bus into town, all without the aid of his Daddy." (Colonel Dracula) * GOLDEN SHOWER - "On holiday in Germany, we had nipped into the local supermarket for sausages. As we waited patiently in the queue, in the next aisle a guy in his late 20s was getting quite visibly irritated. Why? Behind him was a Uber Brat. Uber Brat had decided that waiting was boring and so had taken control of the shopping trolley and was banging it into this guy's ankles. After a few minutes the guy asked 'Please could you get your child to stop running the trolley into me, it hurts.' The mother's reply is the kinda of stuff that breeds future serial killers: 'I never tell him to stop doing anything, I allow him to express himself.' The guy stood there astonished, as we all were. Uber Brat, now with the backing of the woman that spawned him, drove the trolley as hard as he could into the guy's ankles. So the guy picked up a jar of honey he was waiting to purchase and tipped it over the kid's head, saying, 'Well I am expressing myself too." The look on the face of Brat was priceless, everybody started clapping and they left, leaving behind a golden snail trail.' (Wavo) >> This Week's Question << Is it dinner, supper or tea? Is it a lounge, a sitting room or a parlour. Is it a brothel, a knocking shop or work? What do you think of as common?: http://b3ta.com/questions/common/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Upside-down dogs << Webby weirdness has a new face - and it is the surprised but strangely pleased expression pulled by dogs as they lie on their backs. http://upsidedowndogs.com/ >> Mucking about with banknotes << Arty farts scrawling clown faces and philosophical questions onto banknotes before releasing them 'back into the wild' to buy soda and twinkies or whatever. We like the ones folded to make the Queen and Darwin wear tiny dunce's caps. http://www.de-noted.com/index.php >> Chicken bone art << Here's the new creative for the KFC campaign sorted. Macabre vignettes made from the gnawed-on remnants of Colonel Sanders' fine poultry products. http://snurl.com/creative-kfc-art [kumhianao_com] >> Dumbest Web 2.0 names << Bloke lists his top 15 worst-chosen names by internet startups, ranging from the meaningless to the unpronounceable. Ha! B3ta laughs at those losers. http://snurl.com/the-15-dumbest [thenextweb_org] >> Mantyhose << Tights. Tights for men. Why should women get all the fun? Anyway, the weather's getting too nippy for bare-legged hotpants. http://www.e-mancipate.net/ >> Digeridoos could save your life << Well perhaps that's a bit strong, but the NHS advocates taking up the digeridoo to combat sleep apnoea: http://snurl.com/digeridoos [www_nhsdirect_nhs_uk] ------------------------------------------------- : BONUS SPONSORED LINKY WOOS Buying presents is always a tricky task. The cost for getting it wrong can be huge... http://tinyurl.com/l3g3nds ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Now with 50% less jokes >> Involuntary cunt << CNN presenter Kyra Phillips loses control of her tongue introducing a political correspondent. http://www.dlisted.com/node/28778 >> Pop-up music vid << The song we can take or leave (okay, we hated it) but the pop-up book-based video made us gnash our teeth and flare our nostrils with jealous rage. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> "Why Must I Cry?" << We're guessing rapper Rehdogg is deaf, which might explain his unique vocal style. It doesn't, however, make it any clearer why the cameraman is chasing him into the shower as he soaps himself up. Gave us the fear. http://uk.youtube.com/watch >> Awesome peeler << Kitchen utensil gets the same advertising treatment as men's razors. It looks like a comedy sketch but we're assured it isn't. http://uk.youtube.com/watch >> Literal Head Over Heals << "Hey," beams Brady, "Just wanted to let you know that the maker of the hilarious 'literal Aha' video has a new one on funnyordie.com. I think it's right up your readers' alley so I wanted to make sure you knew about it. Hope you enjoy!" This time Tears For Fears get the literal treatment. http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6342db2270 >> McCain drums << Here's the solution to people switching off during party political broadcasts: Just stick their heads on top of someone doing something interesting, like a cool drum solo. Most clips on the web are too long - this left us wanting more. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1884021 >> Final Countdown on kazoo << Europe's mighty 'Final Countdown' brought to you on an instrument that combines the earth-shattering power of the kazoo, the ukulele and the baby piano. *throws rock devil horns* http://snurl.com/kazookeylele [www_monkeyreview_co_uk] ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER The sexiest bit of the newsletter! * CUNT EXAMINATION - This is what you get when your hospital hires a translator with Tourette's. http://www.imagetitan.info/images/7j35o7ywu90f1m6t... * FEAST OF THE ASS - No wonder Christianity's in trouble when it holds scary-sounding festivals like this. It's January 14th: Do you know where your ass is? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feast_of_the_Ass * CRUDELY-DRAWN COG - BBC News 24 graphic depicts the world's money markets in strangely phallic form http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3046/2936546060_05c... * ATOM COCK - The Atomic Weapons Establishment logo seems to imply the power of nukes will grant us gigantic wrap-around penises. We can't wait to wear ours like scarfs. http://www.awe.co.uk/links/logo.gif ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Save the Economy Challenge Last week we wanted you to send us some money, and did you fuck? Nope, you did a load of photoshopping instead. Your favourites included: * NIP-PUNS FROM NIPPON - all the news you need and more from the Japanese stock exchange (DWC) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8822168 * ALL YOUR BANKS - are belong to us (Supergyrations) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8817154 * LOAN - suddenly, the 419 scam looks more like a serious business proposition (hYpe) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8819003 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/savebanking/ >> New challenge: Recreating Art << Using anything but the arts package on your computer, recreate some real-world art using everyday objects. Examples: melt some clocks in the oven to do some Dali, or shape the Venus de Milo out of mashed potato. Anything is possible. Challenge suggested by Monkeon. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realart/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BACKWARDS PRODUCT NAMES - "Terrifyingly enough, Ryanair backwards is Rianayr," shudder Crane the Crane. This is probably so its readable in your rear view mirror when one of their planes is coming up behind you on the motorway. * BACKWARDS PRODUCT NAMES II - Asia correspondent Jon Antonovics writes to inform us that "the least crap brand of beer in China is called Reeb. Embarrassing thing is, it took me months of drinking the stuff before I got why it had such a weird non-Chinese sounding name." * DEAD BABY DEER - Chart Cat bears sad tidings: Rupert the baby fawn from last week's newsletter has died. Enjoyable pathos on the blog post: http://snurl.com/deadness [www_bestweekever_tv] * LADIES LOVE BALL SWEAT? Dave the Explosive Newt wades into the murky world of using pheromones to attract the opposite sex. "I can't remember the reference off the top of my head, but one group showed that women did find a scent laced with testosterone more attractive - but only if they weren't virgins. The conclusion was that associating testosterone with sex was a learned response, with the inference that this increases with more sex. So I guess it depends who you're planning on attracting..." * ODD MESSAGEBOARD HOMAGE - to leave on a high note, here's VampireMonkeyOnSpeed's excellent Saturday morning cartoon, crammed full of old-school b3ta messageboard memes. Prepare yourself for 'The Super Battling Mighty Mega Ultra Phunamic Morphing Wonder Power Robo B3ta Rangertron Team Squadron Episode 1'. http://www.zxbadger.com/flash/redux.php ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Blocks with Letters On Dull name, great game. Push the blocks round a maze until you get them to spell a word. The animations when you complete a level are funny too. http://www.kongregate.com/games/Morpheme/blocks-wi... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something shit hot and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HOW MUCH SELLOTAPE... do you need to climb up a wall like some Tesco Value Spiderman. * SCOPE PROTESTING AGAINST MADONNA - for her "emotional retard" comment as retards don't appreciate being compared to Guy Ritchie. * CELEBRITY PERFUME QUIZ - Glow - J-lo or Mel Smith? Kate - Kate Moss or Kate McCann? etc. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by C-Bean, deets, Matt L, smirt, trentsteel, user440, Duff man, Furey, pc600. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Apples are the best cure for coffee breath. (Setimret) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic? http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive