we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "TONY HART CAN'T MASTURBATE NO MORE *CRIES*" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * IMAGE CHALLENGE - Cheer up Tony Hart * BANKING - LloydsHalifaxTrusteeSavingsBankofScotland * WEEBL - Cat Face returns and poos everywhere ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Stuff, nonsense and pillockry >> LloydsHalifaxTrusteeSavingsBankofScotland << LloydsTSB/HBOS's new site is up and running, we see. "Howard is back," chirps mischievous Smurph, "And he seems to be having issues with the Lloyds horse." http://lloydshalifaxtrusteesavingsbankofscotland.c... >> Star Wars remastered scene << The Force is strong with young Monty Props, who has massively improved this classic scene from Empire Strikes Back. Look out! It's a trap! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Guess_whos_coming_to_din... >> Happy birthday << "We made this jolly greeting for an ecards thing," brag an enthusiastic Rob and Dave. "Unfortunately, the client didn't feel that jokes about anal buggery were quite the thing for the target audience. However, we hope you'll love it and give it a place in your heart." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Happy_Birthday:2 >> Cat face shits << "Cat Face needs to do a toilet," implores Jonti Picking, and apparently he's going to do it now, all over your internet. http://weebls-stuff.com/catface/cat+face+10 ------------------------------------------------- : ANOTHER AMNESTY PLUG What should they ask the stars? A couple of the Ball team will be in the thick of it, stuffing their camera and microphone right in shiny celebrities’ faces. What would you like them to say on your behalf? Graham Norton, Izzard, Mitchell & Webb and even Gok Wan are there to answer your questions. http://blogs.amnesty.org.uk/blogs_entry.asp ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Recession Blocker << Tired of reading all the doom and gloom of the credit crunch. Keep your own consumer confidence high with this handy site, which acts as a filter, blocking any crash-related words from appearing. Ignorance is bliss, after all. http://www.recessionblocker.com/ >> Optical illusions illustrated << Excellent use of flash on this interesting blog that demonstrates a variety of optical illusions. http://www.illusionsciences.com/ >> Magazine says politicians = dogs? << Nice find - Nature magazine back cover weirdly mirrors the front. http://b3ta.com/links/Nature_Magazine_goes_to_the_... >> Google 2001 << Ye olde version of internet search shows the internet as it used to be. B3ta gets 104 links, entirely through hacker 1337 5p33k. http://www.google.com/search2001.html >> Cow Lady runs wild << Drunken woman terrorises her neighbourhood while dressed as a cow. We could say that it's udderly ridiculous. Oh god, we have. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/09... >> The 'Silent Duck' << Ah, the images that you find on wikipedia. This hand gesture is a treat, particularly when you read about the context when it's, apparently, used. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Silentduck.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Harry Hill! We've done your research! Now pay us! >> Sliding cats << Ah magical Chariots of Fire theme, such is your power you can lend dignity to anything. Even cats falling on their arses on a highly-polished floor. Even that. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Miss Piggy: Fuck the Pain Away << Muppet diva covers the Peaches classic. Well ok, it's a redub. Still it's a win. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> "How is babby formed?" << Yahoo Answers is a repository of mankind's collected wisdom. This animation briefly shows some of the brains behind such classic threads as "How is babby formed?" Seems to get funnier each time it loops. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_is_babby_formed >> Dildo shown on news << Perfect comic timing as the reporter remains blissfully unaware of the enormous wobbling dildo being carried out of the house behind his back. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dildo_shown_on_live_news >> Star Trek 'outtakes' << Clips from Trek with peculiar and surreal dialogue dubbed on to synch with the lip movements. Very odd. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Trek_Outtakes_Volum... >> The Assumption Song << Animated video on the classic theme of frustrating your expectations of a dirty rhyme. Also, damn you Newgrounds, why you gotta make-a us open a new window every time, eh? Whassa matter with you? http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/460854 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Sexual Misconceptions Last week we asked for all the things you'd misunderstood about sex. Luckily, Chart Cat's story of accidental felching is too long for this newsletter, but you can read it here: http://b3ta.com/questions/sexualmisconceptions/ * FONDLY FONDUE DO - "When I was younger, my parents used to throw a huge costume party about once a year. A hundred or so of their friends dressed in ridiculous outfits would invade the house, while all the kids were shut in a bedroom to watch videos and get utterly buzzed on soft drinks. When I was about nine or ten, the APs were discussing the theme for their next bash. I'd been reading Asterix in Switzerland. This featured a Roman official who periodically throws large parties for all his Roman buddies, except they aren't called parties - they're called orgies. Of course, since Asterix is a book for kiddies, these 'orgies' don't actually feature any sex - just drinking and music and, because it's set in Switzerland, fondue. My parents owned a fondue set! So, armed with my misconception, I walked up to my parents and suggested that for their next party they could invite all their friends over for an orgy. It was another six years before I figured out why they both went bright crimson and stifled laughs. I didn't get it at the time. After all, who doesn't love fondue?" (oball) * BLOODY BABIES - "When I was but a wee lad I assumed that whenever a lady hurt herself and screamed in pain, a baby came out. I don't think this is completely screwy logic - I'd seen women giving birth in soap operas and I concluded that pain = childbirth, not the other way around. One afternoon my Mum fell down the stairs picking me up from infant school. I came out of class to see her in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, screaming in pain, rather bloodied up and surrounded by people. My response? 'Noooo! I don't want another brother!'" (badongism) * SECRET SCRUBBER - "I was 12 or so when my best friend told me that it was the sensation of a woman's pubes rubbing against your cock that made you jizz. And that's why I spent at least an hour sitting in the bathroom rubbing my bell-end raw with a toothbrush. It didn't work. To my eternal shame, it was my sister's toothbrush... which I guiltlessly placed back on the sink after giving up." (DickieDoesDallas) >> This Week's Question << We'd like to hear about the nicest things that people have ever done with you. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/nicethings/ ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Recycling jokes before it was fashionable >> Metal cockage << Unfortunately-placed artwork on the side of a van. Quick "hee hee looks like a willy" photography by Pter. Well spotted! http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j25/pternz/misc/... >> Sausagey cockage << Poor sausage vendors; what they're selling looks enough like a knob. There's no need to ram the point home quite so enthusiastically with the logo, is there? Cheers son_of_crazymum. http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3157/2894943440_0cc... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Retro Sci-Fi Challenge Last week we wanted yo to make the future into the past. Your favourites included: * RE-TRON - it's difficult to imagine a Penny Farthing coping with those right-angle corners (The Great Architect) http://b3ta.com/board/8776823 * AMERICAN GOTHIC - updated with added Darth Maul (prodigy69) http://b3ta.com/board/8775304 * TURNER - rare work from the romantic English landscapist. With bonus AT-ATs (hYpe) http://b3ta.com/board/8788721 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/retrosciencefiction/ >> New challenge: Cheer Up Tony Hart << The great Tony Hart has had to give up drawing after two strokes, poor chap. Let's cheer him up with a "Gallery"-themed compo. Challenge suggested by Parmesan. http://b3ta.com/challenge/tonyhart/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GOOGLE SEARCH GAME - Major props to Owen Sanity who points out "The phrase 'Safe Search' really isn't." http://images.google.co.uk/images * MOVIE DURATIONS as a function of time. A while back we asked "are films getting longer?" Jodrell has applied computer science to the problem, analysing enormous amounts of data from the IMDB. The answer, in short, is "yes". Here are some graphs: http://jodrell.net/journal/article/k2rr44.html * WIKIPEDIA SABOTAGE by godspants made it into the hallowed pages of Private Eye. You may recall he hoodwinked the Daily Mirror's sports journalist with spurious facts about Cypriot football team Omonia Nicosia. As the Eye notes, according to the rules of wikipedia these are now true, having been published in a verifiable source. http://www.b3ta.com/links/godspants_made_it_into_p... * SELLOTAPE CONDOMS - "made me remember that 'Durex' used to be a generic term for sticky tape in Australia," confides beetlehead. "A factoid that always makes me smile." * GINGER CATS are not all male, according to griff220. "I have a female cat who is ALL ginger," he protests, "with not even a spot of white on her let alone her legs. Yes she is a freak, but she fits in so we keep her. She's called Wilma and is 17. Bye." Hmm. * SAMARITANS PEEPS have been in touch about our newsletter title "Phoning Samaritans and saying 'Talk dirty or I'll kill myself'". "As the Head Outreach bod of an unnamed branch of the Samaritans in the South West (the bit between Cornwall and Zomerzet), I'd like to correct your assumptions in the title line of your otherwise excellent newsyletter. 1) All sex calls are ended immediately (by us, you dirty f*ckers!). 2) We don't stop people from committing suicide. Not even if you're in the process while on the phone (and it happens). Self determination is and always has been one of the major policies of the Samaritans. So funny as the suggestion is (and believe me, no one has ever tried saying that before!), it is also utterly wrong." We stand very well corrected. Ta. * 1996 BIG MAC - gronkpan chimes in with "McDonalds really do use a fuckload of preservatives. When I was fresh out of school I shared a flat with a guy that had been working there for a few years, and had put a burger bun on top of the fridge during his first week there. "When he quit it was three years old and he brought it home to show off. It was a little bit stale (just on the outside, the middle of the bun was still soft) but other than that it seemed fresh. There wasn't a speck of mould on it. We fed it to some seagulls who gobbled it down. "That being said, the lady in the article you posted makes some pretty wild claims. There's plenty of food value (too much if anything) and I'm pretty sure Mcdonalds aren't cloning hamburgers." Ah more fool you, dear gronkpan. For you will be FIRST AGAINST THE WALL when their mighty CLONED BURGER ARMY rises to crush the world of man. Oh yes. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME The return of... "Why no weekly game for the last few weeks?" implores stripeertw. "I live for the weekly game. Please don't expect me to get through my week to finally arrive at a Friday, getting home to find my weekly game fix is just not there." Thank goodness that this week Niklas has sent us something nice. Swing the wrecking ball to fend off hostile blue squares. Fucking blue squares. Always looking to start something, aren't they? http://www.lofiminds.com/blog/static.php ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DAILY MAIL SOFT PORN WATCH BLOG - mock the Mail AND look at porn - double win. Really, the website is stuffed with soft porn. Today alone, we have Lily Cole in Playboy, a shot of Liz Hurley's crotch and Kelly Brook in a "tight-fitting fishtail skirt suit and Christian Louboutin heels." * SHITTING CHALLENGE - phantomjack asks, "My mate Kev ate two $2 coins for a laugh and they are still in the bottom of the toilet bowl - a tarnished black colour. What could the B3tans eat and shit back out?" * GUN CHALLENGE - stripeertw suggests, "Airports, upon being asked 'anything to declare?' I dare someone say 'Nothing too dangerous, just these' and present both hands in a gun shape and then make a 'pew pew pew"'noise to go with it. A final flourish of blowing smoke from the ends of the fingers would finish it off perfectly.' Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Credits are short because we're rubbish. Subjlol via Jeccy. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles. I said she would look fucking stupid without any ears. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive