we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PHONING SAMARITANS AND SAYING 'TALK DIRTY ELSE I'LL KILL MYSELF'" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ANSWERS - Ask the internet 'Which is Gayer?' * HI-FI - Paper plate speakers * ANIM - Screaming, flailing machine ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Gayness, Dr Who, machines and meat >> Which is gayer? << Props to Jon4009, who made this handy tool to answer the age-old question by harnessing the google pixies. "You asked for it, so here it is," he beams. "Still trying to figure out how to crowbar in some more pie-charts, though." http://www.whichisgayer.com/ >> Dr Who: What are you doing here? << The aptly-named NoDaylight has edited together an enormous and inexplicable montage of Doctor Who characters asking, "What are you doing here?" Goes from the Hartnell black-and-white days right up to big Dave Tennant. Watching the entire thing broke our minds to the extent that we were completely unable to answer questions for ten minutes or so. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Doctor_Who_What_are_you_... >> Screaming flailing machine << "Hello," yells Joel. "I've got a new vid this week - for Screaming Flailing Machine. It is our greatest work. It is our masterpiece. It is our gift to humanity. Hooray!" Corporate sponsors: Joel needs to make this doomsday device for real so please send him cash. http://rathergood.com/machine/ >> Meat << Celebrating tasty animal parts through the medium of song and dance. We like koit's little characters: almost an A-Team made of dead pig. http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/mea... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Food Sabotage Last week we asked for how you'd sabotaged the food of others for entertainment/revenge: http://b3ta.com/questions/foodsabotage/ * QUEEF - "I have no idea why I'm making this one public [erm, so we can send it to thousands of people - Ed.], but I fucking love queefs. I think they are absolutely brilliant and hilarious and the best things in the world. So imagine my joy when I started dating a girl who could queef on command! When she first told me about this, she actually demonstrated how she can draw air into her thingywotsit. Seriously, it looked like a gummy old man trying to whistle. I then happen to notice an untouched glass full of Coke on her bedside table with a straw in it... well, I'd be crazy not to suggest it wouldn't I? And so it came to pass that I am lying collapsed on the floor, having the mother of all asthma attacks from laughing my guts out as this amazing young lady blows bubbles in the Coke using her ladybits. And after? She gave it to her sister, and apologised that she'd already sipped the straw. Her sister told her off for leaving it 'slobbery'." (badongism) * WORM - "You can poke dry spaghetti into the bottom of an unpeeled banana so that it slides all the way up the inside. Leave it in the banana overnight, and the moisture turns the spaghetti soft-ish. Wait for your unsuspecting housemate/family member/local greedy glutton to start eating, and, wow! They think they've eaten part of some crazy-ass tropical worm! Get it right and you can tell them it was a tape worm!" (ThornbankJim) * THATCHER - "I rubbed my cock on Mrs T's new spectacles, which I had just made. Not food or tea, but I just need to tell everyone. My life-long socialist father cried with pride when I told him. She wore them for years too." (BigAndyBee) Oh, and nobody steals the lunch of the Legless: http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a398/Legless123/... >> This Week's Question << We'd like your sexual misconceptions. Tell Uncle B3ta all about where the bad man touched you here: http://b3ta.com/questions/sexualmisconceptions/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> DIY speakers << Fans of science know the best way of getting great sound quality for your music is to use solid gold cables and wooden tone knobs. But no! There's a new player in town - making your own speaker from the disposable plates you might use at a child's birthday party. This is pimping out your iPod ghetto style. http://snurl.com/tescosvaluestereo [www_josepino_com] >> Sane or Insane? << Many of us have weird little rituals that are border-line OCD; the official B3ta wife has to sleep on the left hand side of the bed, there's no other option. Rate your madness here - warning: this is engrossing stuff. http://www.saneorinsane.com/Default.aspx >> Silly Hats << Hat enthusiasts! We know the fashionati members of B3ta never miss a chance to wear something stupid on their heads, so next year, see if you can outdo the ladies from Ascot. This is not a challenge for amateurs. http://snurl.com/twatsinhats [www_bestweekever_tv] >> Dirty hoarder << Always a win, hoarders supply the best internet content. This one scores highly for the multiple cigarette ends. http://www.houston-imports.com/dirty/dirty.html >> Antique Big Mac << Not that we trust everything we read on the internet, but if this is true...?! This purports to be a 10-year-old McDonalds burger and it hasn't decayed. Can a B3ta reader test this? Ok we haven't got 10 years, but a couple of weeks should tell us something. http://snurl.com/chewy [bestwellnessconsultant_com] >> TV theme medley << Nostalgia. We're forward-looking people at B3ta Towers and we're in no way culturally trapped in an early 90s time-warp thinking that modern music is just bad rave with shouting on top. Therefore we found nothing, simply nothing, to enjoy in this chappy singing literally hundreds of old theme tunes from kids TV. http://www.clumsy.info/pages/medley_main.html ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like stop motion without the stopping >> Rachmaninoff had big hands << Russian composer Sergei Rachmaninoff is famed for having had enormous mitts and writing piano music to match. So how do small-handed pianists get around playing it? Here's an ingenious solution. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rachmaninov_had_big_Hand... >> Super-conducting maglev toy train << A strange air of Look Around You lingers in this vid of a model train that eerily hovers a significant distance above its track. So odd we can only conclude it's witchcraft or something. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Superconducting_maglev_t... >> Little grey, fluffy clouds << A spoof of The Orb's Little Fluffy Clouds by, well, The Orb and Alan Parker, Urban Warrior. Made us laugh, then go download a ton of Nineties music and comedy. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Hardeep Singh Kohli v BBC Radio Brum << Car crash radio as the Glaswegian writer falls foul of an unbelievable Alan Partridge-style local radio presenter, eventually walking out. Kohli could probably have salvaged it, but he's clearly so irritated he just lets the Brummie squirm. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Work-safe porn << What could be better than porn you can watch in the comfort of your work cubicle without fear of your boss's raised eyebrow? Be warned, despite the cartoon disguises this is still clearly dirty. http://creativity-online.com/work/view >> Dancing Christians << Bunch of musical religious types show it's cool to love Christ. Yeeha! http://www.theway.org/Current/Mar07/Mar07Flash4.ht... >> Weatherman blooper << It's the sudden off-on-off outburst that makes this. It's like, "Hello and welcome to the Tourettes news." http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : THE INCREASINGLY INACCURALTY NAMED... Funny Name Corner * TWATBOOK - nope, not some lame-arse facebook parody, but a gas industry site. (NegCheg) http://twatbook.com/ * GOATSE ON THE UNDERGROUND - "I called up my mate to tell him about it... Old people started looking at me funny." (Krono6) http://i35.tinypic.com/1zdw6rn.jpg * HERBY CRACK - "It's worth reviving 'Funny Names Corner' for one more week just for the local councillor mentioned in this story" (robertcallaghan) http://snurl.com/herbytwats [www_yourmedway_co_uk] * SANDY MINGES - "This reminded me of my potty aunt; when publicly scratching an intimate itch, she would say she had 'dirt in her eye'." (daddypigsaw) http://mingesrealty.com/about.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Animated Emoticon Challenge Last week we wanted to you to bring smilies up-to-date. Your favourites included: * SMUG BASTARD - a b3ta favourite gets the animated icon treatment (Bloop) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8755152 * BOTTOM - innocent smilie mutates into dreadful shock image (madridiot) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8754904 * DICK BEATTIE - another b3ta favourite gets the animated icon treatment (Bloop) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8755346 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/smilies/ >> New challenge: Make Sci-Fi Retro << Steampunk Star Wars, Renaissance Robocop, Art Deco Daleks and everything sci-fi in between. Open up photoshop and show us the fantastical future, yesterday. Challenge suggested by The Great Architect. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/retrosciencefiction/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GOOGLE PORN GAME - You put a seemingly-innocent word into google images and see how many of the results are porno. "I'm surprised nobody submitted 'kiddie' as an unsafe Google search." ventures Grampa. "Of course, now that I've run that query, the cops will be busting through my door in a couple of days." * THE GUYS KISSING behind a TV news reporter are Howard Stern stooges, reports US correspondent thefoggypoo in response to a link we ran a wee while ago. "The two lads kissing each other are Sal Governale and Richard Christy. One of the other staff members, Benjy Bronk was arrested on Monday last for shouting loudly in the background of news reports. He normally shouts 'Ba Ba Booey' - the nickname of show producer Gary Dell'Abbate." * MALE TORTOISESHELL CATS exist, according to Smoke me a kipper. Basically, he's just saying "Ha!" to his little brother, Pyrotyger, who took us to task last week and claimed that all tortoiseshell cats are female. Smoke me writes, "I draw your attention to the following paper published in 1981 by the _Journal of Heredity_ (American Genetics Association): _XXY-trisomy identified by banding techniques in a male tortoiseshell cat_. Got that? MALE TORTOISESHELL CATS! Hahaha! Haaaahahahaaaa!" On a similar note, all completely ginger cats are male. Females have white feet. http://snurl.com/catpedantry [jhered_oxfordjournals_org] ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * APPLE REMOTE GUN - you know that funny little remote control you get with Apple laptops? Can someone program it to pretend to shoot lasers and make bullet holes in the screen? We were making pew-pew noises earlier this week and thought it might briefly amuse. * SELLOTAPE CONDOMS - davetheexplosivenewt asks, "As a follow-up to the sellotape cling-film - why not try sellotape condoms? Someone out there must be willing to compare them to normal condoms in terms of unwanted pregnancy?" * MAIN PAGE WIKIPEDIA CHALLENGE - johnnymrninja blithers, "Wikipedia has a problem, in that the 'Main Page' is actually in the space where articles go. It is not an article about something called "Main Page". So I have devised the simplest open-ended contest ever. The goal is to make something called 'Main Page', notable enough to deserve an article on Wikipedia. This will force them to rename the main page to something more sensible. The prize is the above URL, and the thousands upon thousands of incoming links that go with it. This is the best URL on Wikipedia, and their own naming conventions will make them give it up. So, please take it." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Ryz0r, Dr.Fun, Dr Dee, lucasheron. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. We love b4ta. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Security markers are great for drawing big hairy cocks on banknotes so they show up when put under the UV forgery-testing light. (Wurzel) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I was horrified to read about the mother who drowned her disabled daughter in a sink. That is NOT how you make vegetable soup. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive