we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "ARMLESS MAN ENTERS WANKING COMPETITION AND COMES LAST" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUESTION - Your Social Networking Gaffes...? * BEARDS - What Do They Hide? * RETRO NERDING - A Sinclair photo story ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "The Mobius function ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Smearing themselves in poo as usual >> Deep-fried creme egg << "I deep fried a Cadbury Creme Egg," crows Whitedevil. "The verdict? Delicious, although I gave myself a good scalding on searing sugar-yolk." It does, however, look like a battered turd covered in semen. And we should know. http://ericisgreat.com/deepfried/index2.html >> Grey Bloke's net goes down << Madriot goes musical in this week's Grey Bloke. Sums up all the stupid bewilderment you feel when your web connection unexpectedly dies, cutting short the routine of pleasant online prevarication. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Grey_Bloke_goes_musical >> Men with beards << What are they hiding? Kunt and The Gang fear the very worst. The lovely tune aside, this is worth it for the parade of beardy weirdies - like upending a hairy horn of plenty. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Large Hadron Collider-cam << "I helped set up these live webcams at the LHC," claims an agitated Mutated Monty. "Well worth keeping an eye on..." http://www.cyriak.co.uk/lhc/lhc-webcams.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Customers From Hell We wanted to refute that trite old phrase: the customer is always right. Here are your stories of the customer being wrong. Wrong in the head mostly: http://b3ta.com/questions/customersfromhell/ * RED CARD - "Yes, I was once a techie for PC World. This was my favourite insane customer: *BANG*. Banging fists on desk is never a good start... "COME HERE IMMEDIATELY!" I look up to see a man, very short, about 50, balding, beardy - they're the worst. He's got his PC on a trolley, with the monitor, cables and the Sale of Goods Act printed out and highlighted. "What seems to be the trouble, sir?" "THIS PC YOU SOLD ME IS FAULTY!! I SPENT OVER 500 POUNDS ON THIS!" (which made it probably the cheapest one we sold at the time) "I HAVE DRIVEN 6 MILES TO BRING THIS FUCKING SHIT IN!" "Please don't swear at me sir, I will help you but I won't be sworn at." "I'LL SAY WHATEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE." A small crowd had started to gather. Security was down off his podium and ready to press the panic buttons. I was shitting myself. "Could you tell me the prob..." "THE RED CARDS WON'T STAY ON THE RED CARDS." "Excuse me?" "THE RED CARDS WON'T STAY ON THE BLOODY RED CARDS!" Yes, he had printed out the entire Sale of Goods act, unplugged his PC, put it in his car, driven all the way, all because he didn't know how to play fucking Solitaire. He was still shouting when he left the store having had the rules of Microsoft Solitaire explained to him, and left the car park with his tyres screeching." (Hedonist) * YULETIDE LOG - "Word was spreading like wildfire among the staff: 'There's was a woman on the shop floor doing a poo!' I was part of a pack of teenage Christmas workers at Marks & Spencer in a Greater London shopping centre, busy stacking shelves at the time. I simply had to investigate, and trotted through to the food tills. There was indeed a small melee around a till, where yes, a woman was crouching over a green bucket, the ones normally used for the flowers in the horticultural dept. Red-faced, she'd hitched up her skirt, and was coiling one out in full view of a rather packed department store ten days before Christmas. She didn't even look like a weirdo. Quite posh in fact. She stood up and handed the bucket to a male member of staff, and said to the ashen-faced till girl... "I'm so sorry. I'm pregnant." The bucket-holding M&S guy said, "We do have customer toilets." To which she replied, "I didn't want to lose my place in the queue." (whitehorse) * GM RICE - "A customer walked into the shop I work at the other day and chucked a sellotaped bag of rice onto my counter. "May I help madam?" I say in my most polite voice. "Don't fucking work" She mumbles grumpily. "I'm not sure I understand," I respond, in a voice Stephen Fry would be proud of. "Don't work do they? Didn't cook!" I'm unsure exactly what this woman is going on about but decide to press on. "Have you tried boiling it?" (It was obvious and I hoped I hadn't offended. Needless to say, I hadn't.) "Don't be fucking stupid. Microwave innit." I was now confused. She'd tried microwaving the rice? She continues... "Just went dry." "Well what were you expecting?" I say, trying to not be too condescending. "Popcorn..." (Foz) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your social networking gaffes: http://b3ta.com/questions/socialnetworking/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Geeky photo story << Back in the days of yore, magazines for teenage girls were packed with photo love stories, a style that lives on to this day in Viz and The Sun's Dear Deidre. Here's one such example - the unlikely story of a girl who loves the Sinclair Spectrum, and doesn't get enough time on it at school. Not a joke apparently; the script was written by Frank Hopkinson of the well-known My Guy magazine. http://snurl.com/yesclickthis [www_shardcore_org] >> More cowbell! << Proving that every good joke is vastly improved by some web 2.0 geeks taking it literally, here's an online app that allows you to add more cowbell to any MP3 of your choice. Surprisingly funny, and anything with a slideable Christopher Walken filter is an easy win with us. http://www.morecowbell.dj/listen >> Madeleine countdown clock << Remember those crappy bits of JavaScript that would count down to when it's legal to fwap over pics of the Olsen Twins, Charlotte Church or Emma Watson? We're groaning in a "even we wouldn't do this" way that the idea has been applied to poor Maddie. Incredulous rofls. http://www.madeleinecountdown.com/ >> Bacon compendium << Collecting together every bacon project on the web into some kind of ham-inspired baconpedia. Hmmm, seeing as we're running old bacon material... what about the one about not being able to say "Beer Can" out loud without it sounding like a Jamaican hungry for pork? http://snurl.com/baconcunts [listsgalore_blogspot_com] >> Zoom in on The Last Supper << Extremely detailed pic of the Leonardo painting, as featured in the Da Vinci Code. Useful for debunking Templar conspiracies and an enlightening look at how crap Leonardo was at prepping a wall for fresco. Can't be a genius at everything, eh? http://haltadefinizione.deagostini.it/en/ >> Naked doll people << Not safe for work, in that it's porny. Kinda safe for work in that all the naughty bits have been photoshopped into eerie, smooth doll-parts. Not so safe enough for work that you'd want to actually look at it at work though. http://ask-art.net/photo_1555642.html >> One Sentence Stories << Exactly what it says: Stories (ostensibly true stories), boiled down to the absolute bare essentials. An enjoyable feast of short, pithy reads. Why not submit yours? http://www.onesentence.org/stories/popular/all/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Metallica + kittens = win The lyrics to Enter Sandman rendered mostly through lolcats. A stroke of genius. http://snurl.com/kittenz [mfrost_typepad_com] ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Crappo TV-lols without the BBC Tax >> Cliff Richard's Cradle of Filth << Footage of the Bachelor Boy cut to sync with a rocked-up cover of his occult misogyny-themed classic Devil Woman. Works well with Cliff's bombastic stage moves. BTW: Are we the only people to suspect that this guy recently came out without actually coming out? http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Pussy vs printer << Mild-mannered cat is unnerved by a laser printer and starts bashing it. Worth it, for his increasingly alarmed facial expression. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pussy_versus_Printer >> At the end of the day << Spliced together from one episode of the Jeremy Kyle Show... At the end of the day, the phrase 'at the end of the day' has started to wear a bit thin. As one of the comments notes, if someone says it, that's a good sign they're talking bollocks. http://www.b3ta.com/links/At_the_end_of_the_day >> Jesus is my friend << Ska in the name of the Lord. This is catchy, weird and even oddly endearing after a while. Best thing ever, in other words. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jesus_Is_My_Friend >> Dog on a trampoline << You have to envy dogs their simple joie de vivre. To be fair, this one seems to actually want to eat the trampoline. But the bouncing is funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Inappropriate children's slide << Inflatable playground slide shaped like a giant penis - the children come out through the Jap's Eye. Strangely mesmerising. Is this some sort of performance art and we're not getting it? http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Two fingers and three cocks * TWO FINGERS TO GERMANY - from Dabei ab Zwei (There at two) a TV news show. (Cheers to GTA) http://www.mdr.de/dabei-ab-zwei/moderation/ * MORE COCKS - "I was visiting the website of the Canadian Museum of Civilisation and was very intrigued by the floorplan for Level 3." Thanks Goatworrier. http://www.civilization.ca/cmc/plan3eng.html * SUCKLING COCK - "Found it on a snooker-table in Stockholm. The manufacturer claims to have links to 'Englang', but we believe this to be a province in China," spots Lump. http://snurl.com/penisonb3tablimeyhtt [smg_photobucket_com] * HARD-ON ACCELERATOR - it was only a matter of time before someone made this typo. Thanks prestodigitator. http://snurl.com/morecockslol [img76_imageshack_us] ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Extending Film Challenge Last week we wanted you to show us what lies out of the picture in famous film scenes. Your favourites included: * GUESS WHO? - the classic board game infiltrates Tarantino's seminal swear-fest (XLVII) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8711872 * CHEWIE - trust a wookie to start messing around during moments of inter-galactic gravitas (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8711159 * PETALS - American Beauty star Mena Suvari copes with masturbating moggy with great aplomb (WiL) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8711122 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmscenes/ >> New challenge: Thom Yorke << Radiohead's Thom Yorke is the nation's most mysterious, charismatic pop star. He's also devilishly handsome, and ripe for photo-shopping. So that's the challenge. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/thomyorke/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * LITTLE PEOPLE IN THE CITY - "My FIRST BOOK is out next week!" beams a delighted Slinkachu. "You were the first site to really feature my 'little people' project 2 years back so i owe you a bit of a 'thank you'." Yay! He also mentions his solo show in London - the Cosh Gallery on Berwick Street. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/075222664... * BEN GOLDACRE hasn't yet got round to answering your interview questions. "Fucksake, sorry man," he flustered, "I've got an emergency court hearing tomorrow for my libel case, if it's next week does that make me an irredeemably inexecrable cunt?" http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/000724019... * MORE DEEP FRYING - thiswasmyclone chimes in with: "In Edinburgh they also do battered Creme Egg, Boost and Crunchie. The idea with the Crunchie is that it absorbs more fat and so can make you more Scottish (i.e. fat)." Deep-fried Crunchie? Why not just go deep fry a mattress? Meanwhile, former chippy worker Ben Burton has "spent a lot of time dicking about with the fryers. Deep fried creme eggs are easy as piss and awesome. You just need some good, thick, cold batter and a pan that can do about 190 degrees with a good filtration unit. So don't try it at home." * RICK ASTLEY INTERVIEW - The Roll-meister talks about what it's like to be the butt of internet lols. He comes across quite well and there's also a guide to the web's finest Rickrolls, if that's your bag. http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/sep/06/rick.a... * TOO MANY COCKS don't spoil the breath, claims TDub. "They may just save your life. In the Dutch study (Koelman, Coumans, Nijman, Doxiadis, Dekker & Claas, 2000) the researchers found... a surprisingly strong correlation between a diminished incidence of pre-eclampsia and a woman's practice of oral sex, and noted that the protective effects were strongest if she swallowed her partner's semen... "There is a rumour in academic circles that the subjects in the Dutch study were prostitutes in Amsterdam. I don't know if that's true." References: Koelman CA, Coumans AB, Nijman HW, Doxiadis II, Dekker GA, Claas FH (2000). Correlation between oral sex and a low incidence of preeclampsia: a role for soluble HLA in seminal fluid?. 'Journal of Reproductive Immunology. 46' (2), 155–66. * BIG STRIDES - "Way back in newsletter 150 you linked to an animated music video I did for the band I kinda manage (Big Strides)," chirrups Alistair. "In the meantime we've gone off and got big in Japan and have made a new video about the hellish joy that drunken slags bring to the centre of Cardiff most Saturday nights." Enjoy! http://www.vimeo.com/1586612 * SUPERHEROES OF SCIENCE - "Hello," flutes intercontinentalmusiclab. "We've recorded an international collaborative album about Scientists including songs about: James C Lily, James Chadwick, Galileo and Dr Robotnik. I think you'll agree its a logical progression. I'm secretly hoping that the Dr Robotnik track will end up being bastardised for YouTube Poop purposes. Anyway, we're giving the whole album away for free so help yourself." It's in slightly frightening .zip format, is the only downside. http://superheroesofscience.blogspot.com * BA-DUM TSCHHHH - Sleeping Stars writes, "After reading your joke about female jews and their numbers, me and my friend didn't understand the joke. So i looked at him and he said 'What? I don't know! It's not like jews have their numbers branded to their arms or anything!' "Then we realised." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Word fragments game You have to reassemble a list of words that have been split in half. A lot harder than it sounds. Should comfortable kill a couple of hours. http://www.boomj.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * GOOGLE IMAGES GAME - Muttley writesm "I found a new game. Use the image search to find the dodgiest images you can from the safest word. Trust me that 'group' is a very very bad word for Google." BTW: You'll need safe search turned off, but then we imagine all our readers will have done that already. * HOW OLD DOES MADONNA LOOK? - lots of photos of Madonna at different ages and you have to guess which ones are older. She's 50, and we reckon doesn't look a day over 48. * WOULD DANIELLE LLOYD/CHANTELLE /CHANELLE SLEEP WITH YOU QUIZ? Are you ethnic (coz Dan is NOT a racist of course)? Do you have a record out? Are you a footballer? Do you earn over 100k? Calculate your odds. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Slippydisco, t0ria, chuff monkey. Top Tippery by YOUR MUM. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Woo to b4ta. Subjlos via Puromycin. If you read the credits then you smell of lady eggs. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: So, Sting can delay his climax for seven hours. Big deal. I've been banging my missus for forty years and she's not had an orgasm yet. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive