we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF A SNAKE WAS LIKE A CUDDLY SCARF?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SCIENCE - Chocolate teapot tested * HAWKING - Speaks! For you! * FUNNY NAME CORNER - Bigger than ever. Hooray! ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Choco-Tea, Hawking, Hot Tamale and My Car >> Chocolate teapot << "We decided to test out how useful a chocolate teapot could be," explains TheAlmightyBeev, embarking on a mighty bout of kitchen science. It depends very much on whether you like your tea completely ruined with chocolate, of course. But the results may surprise you. http://snipurl.com/friends_of_goldacre >> Hawking lecture << Do stick with this, as Professor Stephen Hawking pauses a while before addressing a packed conference room. Thanks to masakatsu for this exclusive footage. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hawking_Lecture >> Hot tamale << You like tamale? We like tamale. Well, to be honest, we had to go to Wikipedia to actually check what a tamale is. And you know what? Someone had already linked from there to this lovely song by Jonti. That's how definitive his work is. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Tamale/ >> My Car << Veitchmaster Joel zooms around the countryside in a Mini, dodging mariachis and belting out a jaunty tune. Then events take a slightly darker turn... Particularly liked the footage of Joel jerkily 'flying' around. http://www.rathergood.com/my_car/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Will you go out with me? Last week we wanted to know how you'd managed to get the love of your life to go out with you or, failing that, how badly you'd been turned down. Rather than ruin the lovely stories you contributed by editing them down, instead we encourage you to go read them here: http://b3ta.com/questions/gooutwithme/ For you plain-text newslettery types, Apeloverage went to town with the Tim Vine-style puns this week. Here's his finest moments: * "They call me the record collector, because I've got 12 inches, and I'm single." * "Do you come here often? Or do you wait until you get home?" * We met at the adoption agency... I said "do you come here orphan?" * She had cataracts... Eventually she said she couldn't see me any more. * She said I treated her like an idiot. I said "I just wanted to make you feel special." * We met at the leper colony... but we split up. * "I subscribed to your bloody porn site, and spent six months tracking you down - YOU OWE ME!" I'm still single - women eh? >> This Week's Question << Customers are always right? Bollocks they are. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/customersfromhell/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Kermit Bale << What do Christian Bale and Kermit the Frog have in common? Both feature in this epic post that caused one commenter to state, "I'm happy people have too much time on their hands, otherwise the internets would not be lulz filled." http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/273... >> Big crappy city << Props to the goons on Something Awful, who have taken time off from killing kittens to build a city. Yep, one of those isometric pixel art things. This wins by being less namby-pamby than most attempts in this area. http://www.gooncity.com/ >> Lego'd video games << Neat and obvious idea here - recreate old video games in Lego. This Flickr group can only grow and grow. (BTW: It's missing the easier entries like Pong and Snake for some reason. Guess they were too easy.) http://snipurl.com/geeks_bricking_it [www_flickr_com] >> Peculiar Polish film posters << Unlike food writer Giles Coren, whose recent "fuck the Poles" outburst has alarmed B3ta Towers, we're decidedly pro-Polish here. And what better way to celebrate their contribution to making the world smile than these wonderful, inspirational posters for Hollywood movies. http://snipurl.com/needs_polish [wellmedicated_com] >> Google Chrome mockery << We've been hoo to the ha this week with excitement at the news that Google have produced their own browser. Well, we would be more excited but they haven't made a version for our gay designery Macs so we haven't seen it yet. But the PC-using geeks at TheReg have been mocking up paranoid allyourgooglebelongtous stuff from the accompanying comic Google brought out. BTW: The artist is Scott McCloud and we'd recommend his Understanding Comics book to ANYONE. http://snipurl.com/chromey_lols [www_theregister_co_uk] >> Great shirt, great reviews << Real men wear Wolf Shirts - read the comments. READ THEM NOW. http://www.birkoph.com/Wolf_tshirt.htm ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Flying kitten Funny, little baby cat is channelling the power of Satan to hover in the corner of a room, looking adorable. Feed him souls! http://snipurl.com/donotlookintohiseyes [www_fotothing_com] ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Cinema is now 2inches wide! >> Film classics - with gremlins! << Your favourite films but with digitally-added gremlins in well-chosen scenes. Raiders of the Lost Ark is particularly improved. http://snipurl.com/withaddedgremlins [www_b3ta_com] >> Ape vs. owl << Hard to imagine a TV concept riper for fuckup than "let's make a wildlife show co-presented by an excitable chimp!" The ape doesn't disappoint, being startled into action by an unfortunate owl. http://snipurl.com/owlmonkeyrage [www_b3ta_com] >> Parachute fail-cam << This gave us the fucking fear. Hand-held camera footage from a basejumper whose parachute didn't open. Basically, he plummeted down several hundred feet, yelling in terror. Fortunately got away with just a broken leg. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7596528.st... >> Wassup Holmes << The Great Detective and amanuensis Watson take on a hip hop Hound of the Baskervilles. Ripping yarn and a great addition to the whole 'zomg look at those white guys rap' genre. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wassup_Holmes ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Fucking hell, bigger than ever * DICK BUSCH ARCHITECTS - double win, a phallic logo and a rude name. Almost too rich for our palate. http://www.dickbuscharchitects.com/team.htm * HANNAH MONTANA COCK CANDY - now we know why Miley Cyrus has such a husky voice: Catholic girls' mouthwash. http://i38.tinypic.com/142ykxt.jpg * SWOLLEN BELL-END - another entry for the endless desire for penises on the company stationery. http://www.bestcompaniesguide.co.uk/about_us.aspx * INAPPROPRIATE CAPTION - naughty BBC! Sticking "The family were last seen at a barbecue on Monday last week" on a story where they were all burnt to death is not what we pay our license fee for. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/shropshire/7594... * POWERFUL CUNT! - "I have the unfortunate pleasure of working for Poundland in Wolverhampton," moans Popidge, "and came across this in our toy section the other day. If I didn't know any better, I'd say the yellow writing partly obscuring the 'G' and the stylised picture of a gun were placed there on purpose." http://xs130.xs.to/xs130/08356/dsc00642784.jpg * WHY COPY PROOFING IS A GOOD IDEA - hint: Check out the Windows tabs of the developer's screenshot. http://www.orangelabel.com/icons.htm * WELSH 419 SCAM - we got the oddest bit of spam today, instead of the usual Nigerian demands for money, we got one from Wales, that well-known Third World nation. "LETTER FROM LOLLY STEVENS. MAY I APOLOGISE FOR INTRUDING INTO YOUR PRIVACY. MY NAME IS LOLLY STEVENS A CITIZEN OF WALES PRESENTLY IN ENGLAND. MY FAMILY AND I ARE HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING OUR FAMILY FUNDS(TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS) OUT OF A SECURITY COMPANY IN HOLLAND, SINCE THE DEATH OF MY FATHER. WE NEED YOUR HELP TO ASSIST US AND YOU WILL HAVE A SHARE OF SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS , BUT SINCE WE HAVE NOT MET BEFORE, I DECIDED TO SEEK FOR YOUR PERMISSION BEFORE GIVING YOU THE DETAILS. IF YOU WILL BE SO KIND ENOUGH TO GRANT ME THE PERMISSION, I WILL BE GLAD TO GIVE YOU THE DETAILS.THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND I WILL BE WAITING FOR YOUR RESPONSE." (BTW: Hope this gets through the spam filters, we're such idiots for actually running spam.) ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Mousetrap Challenge Last week we wanted you to design a modern mousetrap. Your favourites included: * PATENT PENDING - not just a killing machine, but a work of serious art (ManekiNeko) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8699636 * CHEESE PHYSICS - like the above, but with added science (Panjandrum) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8698173 * STINGER - police brutality knows literally no bounds (Bloop) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8690822 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mousetrap/ >> New challenge: Extending Film Scenes << This week, we challenge you to extend famous film scenes: NOT film posters, but actual scenes. Show what is happening out of shot or in the next room. Challenge suggested by masterconnor. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmscenes/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MZUNGU RACISM LOLS - Dr Nick writes, "I've spent a lot of time working in Africa, so I read with interest in the newsletter about Joel's dad's Mzungu T shirt. Mzungu is something that gets shouted at me quite a lot whilst I'm in Uganda, Tanzania, and other crazy African countries. It means 'Pasty white person'. Sort of like a reverse 'n-word'." Heh - weirdly this makes Joel's song a comment on colonial oppression. Right on Veitch! * PAUL CARR 'THE BOOK' - best known as the bloke behind the Friday Thing newsletter and the publisher of our joke book, has written his memoirs. It's Nathan Barley meets Alan Partridge and we loved it. Especially when we realised we could google about and find his ex-girlfriend's blog via the page history bit of Wikipedia. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/029785545... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Oh fuck, we didn't back up Continuation of our E4 "build a game" project, and being complete idiots we've ballsed it all up with a hard disk crash. All the data is lost. http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-06.html Thankfully E4 are being nice about it, and promise not to set fire to our house if we give their compo a few more plugs. OK - here we go. Listen up kids! Make a flash game - there's £5k on the table and your Ginger Fuhrer is one of the judges. http://www.e4.com/joystick/enter.html But on a more playful note - this game, sent in by Rhodri, is excellent. He writes, "I can't stop. It's killing me." http://puzzles.com.br/puzzle/totem-destroyer/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DEEP FAT FRYER LOLS - can you cook a creme egg? Or a Ginster's cheese slice? More importantly, can you eat it without vomiting? * USB RADIO - what a rubbish thing this would be! We're looking round the room and reckon the 5V you get from a USB cable would be enough to power our radio. Goodbye wireless - welcome future. BTW: Does Wired magazine now feel a bit passe? Shouldn't they rename themselves Wiredless? Or Lulz 2.0? * TOO MANY COCKS SPOIL THE BREATH? Is this true? Can someone test this for us? Job done! Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by iowaseven, JugglerJAF, jamie33lee, applehead, davetheexplosivenewt, lidlfukinkev, clumsyeloquence, kapitan sparky, and not forgetting the lovely tlsh_uk. If you notice this bit of text then you have AIDS. Top Tippery by Jeru. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Subjlol via Mighty Nibus. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. WOO to b4ta. (YAY) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: The other day a lettuce told me to avoid doing stand up in Workingmen's Clubs. I don't know if I'd listen to him though, it's just the tip of the iceberg. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive