we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "JULIE MOULT IS AN IDIOT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * DISGUSTING FOOD - Deep-fried pizza * SCARY ANIM - Fear Mzungu! * WEIRD TITLE - Revealed in full ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Pizza, Veitch being mad and crap game reviews >> Deep-fried pizza << There's two substances that flow through a Scotsman's veins: heroin and lashings of tasty cholesterol. Props to Jared Earle for following up his Munchy Box photos of yesteryear with this deep-fried pizza. You'll get fat fingers from even clicking the link. Tuck in, B3tards. http://blog.23x.net/13/what-is-a-deep-fried-pizza.... >> Fear the mighty MZUNGU! << Veitch blithers, "Years ago, my dad, who as you know is very hairy, large and fearsome, came back from a long trip to Uganda, sporting a tshirt, on which was emblazoned the single word 'MZUNGU'. This name stuck, but specifically for use in his fearsome and terrifying periods. In the same way as Bruce Banner has a different name when he's the Hulk, dad has a different name for when he is Mzungu. The song basically came from that. If anyone is getting too jovial or frivolous, you must summon Mzungu to CRUSH them." Um, yes. Nice http://rathergood.com/mzungu/ >> Dr Ashen reviews... << Our man Ashen is big on reviewing the cheapest game tech he can find - and this week he excels himself with some kind of rubbish 3D goggles that redefine what the word 'crap' means. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cyber_FX_3D_Headset_Revi... >> Julie Moult is an Idiot << Found our subjectline a little confusing this week? Political obsessive Manic explains it in full. http://www.bloggerheads.com/archives/2008/08/julie... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Are you gullible? Last week we offered a £50 prize for the best story. Yeah, like there'd be a "best" story. In fact most of you spent ages trying to get others to visit the I Love Horses website: http://b3ta.com/questions/gullible/ * MARGE-ASSED HOUND - "There was a young girl where I used to work who spent the day obviously upset about something. I asked what was up and she told me the courts had ordered that her pet dog had to be destroyed because it would not stop barking and the neighbours had complained. Apparently they had tried everything, muzzles, drugs, but the dog would not stop. Without taking a moment to think about it I told her to cheer up because all she needed was a tub of margarine. She looked at me with hope in her eyes as I explained that if she examined her dog's sphincter when it was barking she would notice that it clenched with every bark. All she needed to do was smear the dog's ass with the marge and it would not be able to "get a grip" and therefore would not be able to bark. I added weight to the theory by adding that it had to be margarine as the dog was likely to lick its ass, so had to be edible. She immediately left work, bought a tub of flora and scuttled off home. Next day, even more upset, she told me that the margarine thing hadn't worked despite the fact that she had "even put some inside"." (TriedItOnceAndDidn'tLikeIt) * CLUCKING IDIOT - "Broooooooooooooooo ck bock bock bock bock, I clucked excitedly, answering the phone one day when I was about 13 to a lovely, if chavvy, lady from KFC. She said that they were having a contest to see how many times you could cluck in a minute, and the winner got £500 and free KFC for a month. I threw myself into it with a vengeance, clucking for England. After about 15 seconds and 150 clucks, I was happily confident about my clucking abilities, but by 30 seconds and 300 clucks, I suddenly got suspicious. How were they counting these? As I faltered, there was a gap in my clucking and through the silence, I heard the sound of stifled laughter getting louder and louder. The nice lady was a so-called friend from my class, and she had half the year there listening to me squawking like a muppet." (rachelswipe) * LARGE NUMBER 2 PLEASE - "My Missy was ordering us a Thai takeaway on the telephone when I scribbled a last minute order on a Post-It note: "Ask them if they've got any Phat Kok" The lady on the other end of the phone was laughing so much the call had to be terminated." (kingnutter) >> This Week's Question << How did you get your loved on to go out with you? Did you crash and burn or was it all romantic? Were the beer goggles particularly strong that night? http://b3ta.com/questions/gooutwithme/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> If sexy means ugly then this is sexy << Aha - the internet returns to its roots: coming a fast 10 years on the heel of Fugly and Fat Chicks in Party Hats, this blog site proves the internet basic that ugly people = cheap lols. http://renz-o.blogspot.com/ >> One-legged porn star << "I was googling for porn," confesses wanking hobbyist Fred Lemon, "and I found photos of this delightful young lady, a tattooed Suicide Girl named Amina Munster. After shuffling out some quick custard, I noticed there was something odd about her foot: it was peeling, like paint might peel off an old chair. A quick web search later returns a revealing interview with this one-legged beauty. Apparently she's missing fingers too. Woo hoo." http://www.bmezine.com/news/steppingback/20050209.... >> Google results for girls cups << This cartoon was everywhere this week, so why not have it in the B3ta newsletter too? BTW: Speaking of shock sites that refuse to die, we enjoyed the shout-out on brilliant TV show, 30 Rock, "It's not a lemon party if there's no old Dick." Well done, those writers - please reference Tub Girl in series three. http://xkcd.com/467/ >> Like Guitar Hero, but for God botherers << Think Guitar Hero but less AC/DC and more Christian rock. If you're not in heaven already at that thought, then damn us to hell that we have no video to show you. http://snurl.com/christrocks [store_digitalpraise_com] >> YouTubeSnob - nice idea << Sick of awful comments on YouTube? Twats-be-gone with this handy Firefox extension which hides everything with bad spelling and poor grammar. Thankfully there's no version available for our charmless missives else we might be mute. http://www.chrisfinke.com/addons/youtube-comment-s... >> Lego Stonework << Art or vandalism? What kind of cretin replaces broken mortar in churches with lego? An arty cretin that's who. http://snurl.com/nonononono [scienceblogs_com] ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Cat Sleeping Positions Themed photo collections of cats come and go; cats in bowls, cats in sinks etc. And here's a new take on it; all the odd positions kitties sleep in. Also an ideal link for a young man to send to a lady to persuade her he's got a soft, sensitive side rather than just being a smelly rapist. http://www.zuzafun.com/cats-sleeping-positions ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Insert weak joke here if you be arsed >> Looking in the Mirror at Myself << Catchy song and escalating acts of self vandalism from this bloke who is very satisfied with whatever he sees in the mirror. And we've all done it. http://b3ta.com/links/Im_pretty_sure_this_guy_is_a... >> Scary, happy druggie << Public service ad about a harmful addiction to dust removers can be, takes a very frightening musical turn as severely fucked-up girl explains that she's "walking on sunshine". (Sent in by Spunky Backpack who wishes b3tards to take up the sport of solvent sniffing.) http://www.i-r-genius.com/sunshine.html >> Gromit scat video << Archive footage from Wallace's early days house-training his canine chum. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Gromit_scat_video >> Richard Dawkins hatemail << The popular atheist reads aloud some choice morsels from his mailbag, with obvious glee. He also does that thing of reading misspellings out phonetically, which made us warm to him. Even if he is a foul blasphemer and will burn in Hell. http://b3ta.com/links/Comedy_Gold_Richard_Dawkins_... >> Lord of the Dancey Dance << Hapless hobbit Frodo Baggins gazes into the enchanted water, only to see a horrifying vision of his future. He is a guest on cult kids' show Yo Gabba Gabba. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lord_of_the_Dancey_Dance >> Biffy Clyro's Killing In The Name Of << Live radio cover of Rage Against the Machine's evergreen anthem. The singer leaves a nice big gap where the swearwords should go and you can see the band chortling with satisfaction as the audience handily supplies the missing lyrics. http://snurl.com/fillintheblanks [www_bbc_co_uk] ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Robots in History Challenge Your favourites included: * TRENCH - tales of courage, despair and great big fuck-off robots during the Great War (The magic of chutney) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8676075 * STEAMPUNK - Mr Dalek gets the Victorian tank treatment (WiL) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8671813 * RUNBOT - run! run! it's the attack of the retro computer (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8675003 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/historyrobots/ >> New challenge: Mouse Traps! << The standard mousetrap is a design classic, but we think it can be improved on. This week's challenge is to do just that: we want a better, more efficient, 21st Century trap. Challenge suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mousetrap/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * LONDON LOO SEARCH - The developers of NYC-based toilet search engine Diaroogle have been in touch to aid our public pooing proclivities. "As a sign of appreciation, we decided to build a London version. It only has 3 toilets so far, compared to the 125 listed in the NYC version. But hopefully the great people of London can fix that." Yay! We think. http://london.diaroogle.com * LEGO CAN NO CAN DO - "Your idea of a Lego watering can is full of holes," spouts Smallbrainfield. "I used to make Lego into ships and submarines when I was a kid and invariably the Lego would leak. You would have to seal each brick or coat the inside of the watering can, which sounds like cheating to me." We suspect that you simply have weak and puny wrists, unlike our own manly extrusions. * PIXLR LIKES THE WIFE - We featured their online flash image editor last week and offered them £5 and a go on the wife if we could acquire it. They write on their blog that they "must confess it is really hard to say no." Mrs Fuhrer is well chuffed. http://pixlr.blogspot.com/ * BOIL WATER IN A MICROWAVE? Not unless you like pain. Stranger warns, "When water is heated in the microwave it doesn't bubble like in a kettle, or pot, if the inner surface of the container is smooth (like a cup). So when the surface of the water is broken, it shoots upwards. If you have to boil water in a microwave, put a kebab stick, or lollipop stick in it; something to break the surface tension." And he isn't just flapping his gums; look, a Snopes article too! http://www.snopes.com/science/microwave.asp * GULLIBLE, US? ks26milw writes to inform us that the old "gullible isn't in the dictionary" gag that we used for last week's question of the week is a misuse of the word gullible. "The gag should more appropriately have been with friends telling you that the word 'skeptical' isn't in the dictionary, and when you went to check, they'd all point fingers and jibe: 'Hahahaha! You're skeptical!'" Hmm. We'll take that information with a pinch of salt. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME E4 Game thingie Please make puzzles! We've connected an early version of our cat-killing, flame-dodging Sokoban game Psycho Fireman to a wiki to allow you to create your own levels - we'd love you to join in. JOIN US. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wiki_puzzle_game ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A LEGO PENIS FUCKING A MECCANO VAGINA - Christ this bit of the newsletter is hard to write. * AN INKJET PRINTER THAT WILL PRINT MONEY - we're telling you out brains are hurting. Ouch. * USB LEOPARD THAT CHANGES ITS SPOTS WHEN FULL OF DATA - we give up. Please send us better ideas. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by English Bob and vain_imaginations. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlos via the board. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When we started the top-tip section our aim was to run real tips rather than VIZ-style gags. However, this is simply not what people send us. We are what YOU want us to be, we suppose. Anyway, here's a handful that have tickled us recently: * Racist lols! Try the Korean meatballs. They're the dog's bollocks! (oneinthepink) * Girls! Tired of having to do gymnastics to trim your mimsy hair? The solution is simple! Squat over an upturned garden strimmer and hey presto! not only a tidy quim, but an absence of razor marks and blocked plugholes! (Smash Monkey) * Condoms! Don't buy ribbed condoms. Buy regular condoms and fill them with ball bearings. (Maudlin McCann) These and many other gags of variable quality, as usual, on the actual top tips section: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled." Unbelievable what some people are into. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive