we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "ANOTHER SHIT JOKE ABOUT CANCER? OH GOODY!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BEN WHEATLEY - Interviewed by YOU * STOP MOTION - John Carpenter tribute * LOLS - Worst Captchas of All Time ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK TV, Otters and French pop music >> Ben Wheatley interview << All your questions were given to our very own Ben Wheatley this week and he answered pretty much every one of them. If you do nothing else this week we highly recommend getting yourself to iPlayer on the BBC site and checking out his show 'The Wrong Door'. There's loads of excellent clips knocking about. Personal favourite? The Booze Fairies. BTW: Why the odd title? Ben found the sprawling BBC offices confusing and kept entering the wrong door. And not a reference to backdoor love at all. Like you thought. http://www.b3ta.com/interview/benwheatley/ >> Amphibious, fish-eating ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL << Mike Fishcake writes to say, "We have made a very, very silly new short video (just over one minute long), dedicated to two of the best things in the world; Heavy Metal and Otters." We like, we like muchly. http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php >> Cyriak does French pop << "In case anyone was wondering what I've been up to", writes Cyriak AKA Mutated Monty AKA Mr C Harris (to the tax man that is), "This is a music video I made recently. It's for some French band I never heard of." Fantastic stuff, as per usual, and a higher female leg count than Robert Palmer's Addicted To Love. http://www.b3ta.com/links/a_music_video_I_made_rec... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Thrown Away We wanted to hear about the stuff you've loved and lost. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/thrownaway/ * INNOCENCE - "You might think that alcohol is a wonderful thing. I used to too. However, I was forced to changed my opinion about that one late evening in the autumn of 2006. I was living, after the disastrous breakdown of a relationship, with my Mum back in Essex. By strange coincidence, my mother’s marriage had fallen apart at pretty much the same time. We were sitting in the garden, drinking a huge bottle of Bacardi between us. Shakily, she sat forward. Solemnly, she placed her glass on the table, and fixed me with one of her crystal gazes. “D’you wanna know something?” She slurred, her eyes crossing slightly. "I’ve never had an orgasm.” One second after this gargantuan bombshell had been dropped, and I was stone-cold sober. And, for the first time in my short but colourful life, speechless. But she wasn’t finished yet. “I was married to to to him for TEN YEARS, and I could count the amount of times we had sex on one hand. Three times I’ve been married. THREE. TIMES. And the nearest I got to sexual gra... gratifi... gratification was driving on the rumble strips on the way to Tesco.” After that, she collapsed into mumbling. I retired to bed, shell-shocked. We have never spoken of it again. Until, that is, she enthusiastically told me that she’s never had it so good, or so often, as she has with her new man. So, good for them." (Devil_In_Tights) * MEMORY - "I recall remembering Christmases long past, which once rewarded me with the sort of foggy-edged softness that reminded me of warm jumpers, fairy lights, The Wizard of Oz and the delightful suspense of discovering exactly what was hiding within the gift wrapping, bearing my name on a hand-written tag. Instead I now see them, sensing the barely-contained paternal rage waiting for its moment to burst forth, the glue of fear being applied to ensure the family did exactly as we were told. The cold disinterest from my father, who'd turn on me with unrestrained rage should I dare interrupt him from his peanuts, sweets and the running commentary as he indulged us all the enjoyment of the 1950s musicals on television. I'm sure I remember the joy of opening many, many presents bearing my name, discovering that inside each one was a model railway locomotive or scale rolling stock. How lucky I was to receive so many gifts like this! I was extremely fortunate. Yet today, it's tinged with bitterness that unwrapping the boxes was as close as my father allowed me to get to his trains before they were carried up into the loft, never to be seen again. I was merely an excuse for him to justify spending a small fortune on himself."(PJM) >> This Week's Question << Are you gullible? There's £50 for every story submitted. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/gullible/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Photoshop in your browser << Everything these days wants to work as a web application, and there's been numerous attempts at getting a photo editor to work in the browser. Pixlr is the best we've seen so far - it's pleasing to use from the first click. Buy them, Adobe, before we do. Well, assuming they'd consider our offer of £5 and go on the wife. http://www.pixlr.com/app/ >> Collective Nouns << A mainstay of every conversation with cunts: the collective noun. Here's an authoritative guide from the Wikipedians, who can only be saluted for including "a mimsy of birds", "a trades union of chinchillas" and "A paradise of elephants". None of these could possibly be in any way "a buttload of crap." http://snipurl.com/aloadofrubbish [en_wikipedia_org] >> Dogs With Tits << Clairywoowoo writes to us with the request, "Mr Perry needs all our help in his Dogs With Tits campaign." Apparently Mr Perry photoshopped some ladynorks onto a doggy he found on the interweb. The dog owner then demands the swift removal of the offending breasticular photo, and Perry is hoping that the internets will support him and replicate the canine with cans all over the entire twatosphere. The rights and wrongs of this particular case maybe should be presented to the Electronic Frontier Foundation, or at the very least, The Web Sheriff. http://snipurl.com/tittydog [bpperry3_blogspot_com] >> Public loo map << Speaking as keen public shitters - our favourite places to take a sneaky dump include the obvious: McDonalds, and the less so: The Waterstones by Piccadilly Circus. Some Google Maps wizardry here to allow all the greatest poo places to be scored via GPRS on your mobile phone. Sadly only works in the USA, so we mention it in the hope that scat-friendly UK developers get on the job. http://diaroogle.com/ >> Worst Captchas of All Time << Entering the oft lol-free-zone of Powerpoint presentations is a collection of all those phrases websites force you type to prove you're not a spambot. Sounds dull but it wrung a chortle from this joke-weary team. http://www.docstoc.com/docs/1048763/Worst-Captchas... >> Printing 3D << 3D is a curse that's killing our culture. First our platform games were destroyed, then our films were ruined with crappy glasses. And now the humble HP Laserjet is being replaced by a website that prints your letters to mum as 3D robots. If you can't wade through our confusing jokes to understand what we're really on about then we'll put it simply: make a 3d model, upload it to site, pay money, get object in the post. Awesome. We're sending them our cocks. Hope they scale up well. Nothing worse than penis jaggies. http://www.shapeways.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Pixar has nothing on cameraphone lols >> Stop-motion The Thing << Shot-for-shot remakes with kids' toys are always a winner for the blokey audience. It says love, it says obsession, and most of all it says "please click me, I'm on the internet." http://snipurl.com/thingything [www_bamkapow_com] >> Inappropriate kitten << Comedy basics 101: All TV is funnier with a random cat inserted, especially if it's eating spaghetti. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Inappropriate_Kitten >> Banana explosions << Art? Performance theatre? Viral marketing for a banana manufacturer? All we know is that you, yes you, need to see this clip. You'll feel stupider for it. http://williamlamson.com/#/work/video_work/video/1 >> How wet can you get? << Possibly a contender for funny name corner, this new toy for kids has a paedo-friendly tagline that will make the very edges of your mouth form into the smallest of smiles before you click onto the next link. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Mostly cocks, much like the B3ta staff >> Koch Cancer Research << It's the cancer we most fear. Thank goodness it's being dignified with the researchers' attention it deserves. http://www.jhu.edu/~gazette/2006/04dec06/04koch.ht... >> Yoshie Takeshita << Cripes. We almost had a Pavlovian reaction when her surname unexpectedly popped up on screen during the Olympics volleyball. http://snipurl.com/piccypicwoowoo [farm4_static_flickr_com] >> The D stands for 'dick' << Poor old SunnyD. Wounded by the backlash against their delicious artificial beverage they're giving a big 'fuck you' to the world. Just look at the outline of their logo... http://www.thegillis.com/Sunny%20D%20logo.JPG >> Phallic FFF << "I noticed my local chip shop is a member of the Federation of Fish Friers," informs Matt Woodwose. "Which is fine, except I'm not sure how their logo is related to fish frying." Indeed not - it's a big, hairy cock. http://www.federationoffishfriers.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Sad Challenge Last week we wanted to see the saddest picture in the world, ever. Your favourites included: * OVERHEARD - the saddest picture in the world, ever (Kris Fucking Kristofferson) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8654546 * REFLECTION - the second saddest picture in the world, ever (Zac McFlimby) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8647571 * BUNNY - the third saddest picture in the world, ever (WiL) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8661256 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sad/ >> New challenge: Robots in History << Images of the Hadrian's Wall-building robot, medieval jousting engines, the great Titanic sinking machine, showerbots from WWII... Robots, in history. Do it now! Challenge suggested by HappyToast http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/historyrobots/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * JOEL'S ALBUM WINNERS - Well done to Joel and the Seven seconds of Love boys. 'Danger is Dangerous' absolutely dominated Amazon's ska sales chart and rolled up to number 99 in the sales list of all music ever. Nice one! Eager b3tards have been drafting limericks all week. Kudos to Colonel Dracula, Empress BobFossil, masakatsu and supersam11 - signed discs in the post to you all. First prize has to go to ccc for his profane cock-and-vicar-themed cycle of five poems: http://www.b3ta.com/links/216186 * CYRIAK'S BEARD IN AD - Longtime b3tard and peculiar creative Cyriak recently noticed an unlikely similarity between his little animation of Charles Darwin's beard and a new ad campaign for McDonalds. Take a look - seems rather close for coincidence. http://youthoughtwewouldntnotice.com/blog3/ * KETTLE vs. HOB vs. MICROWAVE - RobNob suggests roping the trusty radioactive kitchen helper into our ongoing 'best way to boil water' debate. "I would do it myself," he apologises, "But I don't have a microwave safe thermometer (if such a thing exists)." * WAR ON TERROR GIVEAWAY - The other weekend saw Andy Sheerin and crew handing out loads of free copies of their game outside the Virgi... er, Zavvi on Tottenham Court Road. They were actually games that Zavvi had ordered and paid for but decided not to stock through fear of controversy. Happy 'War on Terror' recipients were then encouraged to take a trip through the store and thank the staff. http://www.waronterrortheboardgame.com/wotblog/ind... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Spin the 3D Objects Here's a novel idea: rotate the object to find the correct viewing angle to reveal the 2D shape. It's all about perspective innit? http://www.bobblebrook.com/games/coign-of-vantage >> Win £5k for creating a flash game << Our tutorial stuff continues with "how to cheat at graphics" where we reveal the secrets of the Illuminati. Remember - it's a BIG FUCKING PRIZE. Well £5k is better than jack-shit anyway. http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-04.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BOOK A GARY GLITTER LOOKALIKE - trail him round with a video camera and record people's reactions. (We're not brave enough to do this ourselves, but it would be dreadfully interesting.) http://www.splitting-images.com/gary_glitter.html * LEGO WATERING CAN - will it hold water? Will the plants die? Of lego poisoning? * WORLD'S LONGEST PENCIL SHAVING - we can only managed a few cm. Can you do better? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob "Pathetic Ginger Syndrome" Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Darren S, PyroTyger, wizzard419. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via daoiale. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Condoms with anaesthetic cream on the outside can be worn inside-out so as to avoid disturbing your sleeping partner. (Humpty Dumpty was Pushed) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Jade Goody has cancer, and she claims that she is worried that hair loss might ruin her looks. Nice to see she hasn't lost her sense of humour. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive