we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE CONDITION THAT KILLED OFF..." next issue » « previous issue ...a popular black singer who was a hit with all the chicks - STROKE! - damn right! This Week: * EXPERIMENT - Electric kettle vs. gas hob * WIN - Write a limerick and nab Joel's Album * WEEBL - tribute to Ladytron ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Scrambled webs, boiled water, Weebl & limericks >> Interweb anagrammator << "You've probably all seen the 'Paomnnehel pweor of the hmuan mnid' text before," blurts xlcus, "but now you can try reading your favourite websites in the same style!" This is fricking awesome, although reading the b3ta message-board through it made our eyes hurt after a bit. http://readingtest.sytes.org/ >> Electric kettle vs. gas hob << JimM steps into the surprisingly controversial debate 'is it cheaper to boil water via kettle or hob?' "A kettle is more efficient, but since gas is about a quarter of the price of electricity, it's cheaper to make a cup of tea using gas. The difference is a whopping 0.4p." And blow us down if he hasn't gone and done an experiment to prove it! http://snipurl.com/kettleytwats [srimech_blogspot_com] >> Weebl and Bob << Peculiarly, Jonti brings us his take on Ladytron's You Destroy Everything You Touch vid. Weebl and Bob are snowy mountains, they sing about pie. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/destroy/ >> Win Joel's album! << Just by jotting down a quick (and preferable obscene) limerick you could win one of five signed copies of the swanky new Seven Seconds of Love album. For those who prefer their albums unbesmirched by band members' inky scrawls, here's a direct link to grab it from amazon too! http://b3ta.com/links/Write_a_limerick_and_win_Joe... http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001D7NTT... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK There will be Blood As part of our occasional series on bodily fluids, we wanted your bloody stories: http://b3ta.com/questions/blood/ * PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND - "I used to live three guys and another girl. Sarah had issues with Alice, the girlfriend of one of the guys, Jay. We never discovered why, but S would badmouth A when she wasn't there and ignore her when she was. [Duh, she was in love with J, Ed.] Alice would stay over a fair amount but the rest of us got on with her fine as she was doing a catering course and had a real passion for cooking. Sarah was out drinking, we'd stayed in getting drunk. And high. And then we got the munchies. Rummaging in the kitchen we discovered two of those little bottles of fake blood. "Oooh" thought our twisted drunken minds, "Fun!" Fun translated into throwing blood at each other and all over the kitchen, posing for pictures with blood stained knives and so on. Then the door bell rang and Alice arrived, somewhat confused by us looking like we had been mauled by werewolves. More drinking and smoking and we must have passed out because the next thing I remember was a scream and a loud thud. Turns out Sarah has arrived home, seen us covered in blood and unmoving in the lounge then gone into the kitchen where Alice was cleaning the blood off the knives and walls, instantly concluded that Alice was a psycho knife welding maniac murderer, screamed, turned to run out the house, misjudged it and smacked into the door frame knocking herself clean out. As the only sober person, Alice then had to drive Sarah to the hospital with Jay. He reported the journey as being uncomfortably hilarious, although the girls did get on slightly better afterwards." (The Grammar Badger) * NO LONGER BLONDE - "My best friend at school had a heart defect which meant regular cardiovascular tests at Gt Ormond Street Hospital that needed a healthy chum for comparison. After hours of blowing into tubes and running on treadmills we were rewarded with a trip to Madame Tussauds. We were very impressed by waxworks of such heroes as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mel Gibson. Then my friend started a nosebleed (a not uncommon occurrence for him), but his mother was out of sight and we had no tissues between us. Thinking quickly, we followed signs to the bathroom as blood began to seep between the fingers clenched over his nose. Spotting an exit we dashed into a stairwell where, finally giving up, my friend leant over the rail and released his nose. An impressive fountain of blood gushed forth, but surely here it could do no harm? Unfortunately, the stairwell was not empty. Closer inspection revealed a flexible metal ladder descending from the ceiling above, and, dangling one floor below us as if from a helicopter, her trademark turquoise jumpsuit slowly staining purple and her lovely blonde hair now soiled with blood and snot, was the pride of Madame Tussauds' waxwork collection - the legendary Anneka Rice." (wellgroomedwookiee) * I GO WITH HO'S - "The bloodmobile had come to town and I was explaining to my team at work why I couldn't donate blood. Me: "I've recently had inoculations so they couldn't use my blood." Michelle: "Me too, they said I could give blood in a year or so though." Paul: "I couldn't give blood because I've recently had the 'flu." Ian: "They didn't want my blood because I've had sex with prostitutes..." Every head turned to look at Ian and our manager spat coffee over his keyboard." (Colonel Dracula) >> This Week's Question << What priceless junk have you lost because someone just threw it out?? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/thrownaway/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Periodic table of awesoments << Useful reference to the 118 fundamental "awesoments" that compose all good things. You can predict how awesoments will interact by their relationship and position on the table. http://www.dapperstache.com/index.php >> Internet meme time line << Comprehensive chronological arrangement of major internet memes. It's interesting looking back through to those olden days, when a dancing baby and a coffee pot were sufficient to hold the world rapt. We vainly tried to scroll into the future and save work compiling next week's newsletter. http://www.dipity.com/user/tatercakes/timeline/Int... >> Wooden mirror << Still using glass mirrors? Ha! You loser! Wood is for the win! http://snipurl.com/iwood [www_environmentalgraffiti_com] >> Inanimate faces << You know your car? That post-box? Your stereo? The plug socket? The zip on your trousers? They're ALL LAUGHING AT YOU! Put on your tinfoil hat! http://flabbergastedly.com/ >> eBay dirty laundry in public << Scorned wife puts up an auction purely for the purpose of telling the world of her husband's cheating ways. AAA++ amusing read. Probably would not buy again though. http://snipurl.com/ebastards [cgi_ebay_com] >> The quest for every beard << This hirsute chap has made it his goal to grow and wear every type of facial hair ever to be catalogued. Basically, he's saved you months of effort to look like a dick-head - some styles are decidedly inferior to a naked chin. http://www.dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-types/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO You've Been Framed's rejected clips >> Dark Knight trailer by kids << Promo for the latest Batman offering, acted entirely by children. Cute stuff. Next, an advert for Bugsy Malone performed by capering pensioners. http://www.b3ta.com/links/dark_knight_trailer_done... >> The Electronic Frontier 1993 << BBC Two documentary from Ye Olde Days of Yore. Fascinating glimpse of the pre-Web techie world with people talking about 'email' and 'personal computers' and fearing the soaraway growth of something called 'Microsoft'. http://snipurl.com/bbcwoo [waxy_org] >> Barack Roll << A surprising amount of work has gone into chopping Obama footage to make a splendid new Rickroll. Truly, there's a frightening pool of misapplied talent out there. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Grandpa John's electric pickle << Earnest science-type metaphor for allowing the power of Christianity into your life. We hope we are never touched by Jesus - it makes your juices boil out of you as your head catches on fire. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Slow-mo lightning << Great lightning bolts crawl across the sky like big fat snakes. Clearly filmed by someone with a better camera than ours, it has made us want to stand out in the garden all night, in the hopes of photographing something amazing. http://snipurl.com/knockofwood [gizmodo_com] >> Animal fights really rock << Rambling commentary on the foibles of YouTube clips that has its cake and eats it. Includes many, many animals attacking and killing each other with glee, just as Mother Nature intended. http://current.com/items/88958813_viral_video_film... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Happy as a dog with three (count them!) cocks >> China's diving cock << The logo for diving events at the Beijing Olympics rises proudly from the waters like a meaty Excalibur. http://snipurl.com/cockyeah [en_beijing2008_cn] >> Billy McAnally << 80s Playgirl pinup with a curiously strange name - something for the ladies. Uh, NSFW btw. Not that we were looking. http://snipurl.com/billymcanally [www_blackdogue_net] >> The giant knob forest << Local myth says that if a couple sleep in the clearing at the head of the shaft, when they awake they will be covered in pine-smelling cum. http://nytoo.rumandmonkey.com/b3ta/cdc_sm.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Recession Challenge Last week we wanted to see how life would be changed by recession. Your favourites included: * TELETEXT - b3ta is one of the first to feel the pinch (kingsuperspecial) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8630681 * McQUEEN - our monarch takes to life behind the counter with great dignity (starkandy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8628140 * NOTHING - nothing (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8628044 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/recession/ >> New challenge: The Saddest Picture Ever << This week's challenge is simple: make us cry. We want to see the saddest picture in the world, ever. Challenge suggested by doctor dyslexia. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sad/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * RE: RETARDEX - "My dentist recommended 'Retardex' mouthwash," grins Colonel Dracula. "At the following check-up after 6 months of using Retardex she told me my teeth were perfect and gave me a sticker with a big smiley face that said 'Patient of the day'. I am a 31-year-old accountant, but I went back to work proudly wearing my sticker grinning like a mong. I still have the sticker. If I don't get a sticker next time I might just throw a tantrum." * DISSOLVING OYSTER CARDS and sticking them in watches or magic wands, as recommended a few issues back, could land you with a fine. Apparently it's now "the latest craze", which must make the ticket barriers fun at rush hour. http://snipurl.com/oysterpoo [london-underground_blogspot_com] * THE WAR ON TERROR BOARDGAME is dangerous - official! A copy of b3tard Andrew Sheerin's satirical game has been confiscated by police as part of a climate change protesters' weapons cache. http://snipurl.com/twatcrime [www_independent_co_uk] * WEBCAM AIR DRUMKIT - "Saw an interesting air drum idea in your last issue... so... I thought I would have a go, raps Wayne. "Try: waving crazy hands or 'standing in the middle' of shot or pointing cam at desk and fingers." Didn't work for us - maybe your luck will be better. http://glulogic.co.uk/sites/default/files/as3/Drum... * RECTAL CANCER IS NOT FUNNY snarls neilasharples. "I would not wish it on anyone. So ya fucking weirdos I hope your balls turn black, shrivel and disappear up yer arses." Ah well, can't please all of the people all of the time. "Consider me unsubscribed," he continues, somewhat redundantly. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Write a flash game and win £5k The competition at E4 continues, and your newsletter team are in week 3 of writing their game. We're doing this to encourage YOU to enter, if that's not clear enough! http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-03.html Looking for an actual game rather than our sexy blitherings? Then try this - it's mental. http://b3ta.com/links/Its_Intensely_annoying_Japan... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * CAPITAL ONE CARD PRINTING - you can now and your images printed on your credit card. The T&Cs basically say nothing naughty, so can you game it? We reckon the trick is to use symbolism that is obscure to the average punter, e.g. The Shocker. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shocker_(hand_gesture) * MAKE A BULLDOG OUT OF BULLDOG CLIPS - but watch out, he nips. * SELOTAPEY FOOD EXPERIMENT - store your food by wrapping it in sellotape instead of cling film. How long does it stay fresh? What does it taste like? When you get your sandwiches out at work, what looks do you get? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Phlegmcake, lusoman, We are the lemon, john s duffy, TommyShanks, and sarahahahah. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via the great architect. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Authors! Get your book mentioned in the B3ta newsletter by name-checking us in your novels. 'Tartan noir' writer Christopher Brookmyre has done just that in crime satire A Snowball in Hell. The serial killer protagonist posts proof of his crimes on t'internet. "Christ," he comments, "The guys at B3ta were using stills from the video for sick jokes an hour after it went up." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/031602763... ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I'm one of those people that likes to have a shit while I'm reading. This is also the reason why I'm banned from Waterstones. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive