we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU DRINK EVERY DAY YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC. THANK GOD WE ONLY DRINK EVERY NIGHT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PHOTOS - Symmetry Flickr toy * GET RICH QUICK - YOUR guide on how to do it * VIDEO - Rejected Bond Theme ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4 links, count 'em >> Mirror image generator << "Here's a little project I've been working on this week," beams xlcus. "It grabs photos from Flickr on any subject you like (e.g. kittens, or other fluffy things) and then presents them as pairs of mirrored halves." Adds a new level of weirdness to lolcats btw. http://symmetry.sytes.org/ >> Hairless mouse mutants << Not sure if propagating horrid rodent/scrotum hybrids counts as 'making' but 2roxfox boasts "I breed these mutants in my shed and am accused by neighbours of attracting snakes." Those snakes have strong stomachs, my friend. http://www.flickr.com/photos/2roxfox/sets/72157603... >> Listy social network thingy << Log, of Law of the Playground fame, has a spanky new project on the go. "Listopia is built on the love of lists, and adding to them. If you like lists, adding to lists, or even starting lists and having other people add to them, then may I humbly suggest Listopia: the place that can't stop using the word lists." Good results so far...! http://www.listopia.co.uk >> The Wrong Door << Blimey. Mr Wheatley's only gone and landed a full-on comedy series on BBC Three. Should be coming to your screens "soon" but here is a taster. BTW, on the basis that the best is at the top, the BBC's scheduling press release rates it very highly. Much, much better than Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. http://www.b3ta.com/links/the_wrong_door:2 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Get Rich Quick We wanted to know the best way of getting rich quickly. Because, frankly, writing the QOTW bit of this newsletter every week isn't quite cutting it: http://b3ta.com/questions/getrichquick/ * DRUGS - "This is not to be recommended if you are middle class and soft, like every braying bastard Sebastian and Jack at Glastonbury since the mid-90s. We found two teenage boys snivelling outside the Christian Aid tent and asked them what was wrong: "We spent a grand on a block of hash to sell. We got in, and went up to this bloke and asked him if he wanted any drugs. He said 'great, thanks', pulled out a knife and took the drugs, and our wallets, kicked us up the arse and then walked off whistling." (debbie meadon's secret extra armpit) * DI DIED - "We were doing a car boot sale the day Di lost an argument with a pillar, and there was loads of gossip about whether she was actually gone. I strolled to the shop to buy a paper to confirm the news that she had indeed died. We took one look at the Charles and Di wedding plate we were selling that had been studiously ignored all morning, took off the one pound sticker and replaced it with a twenty quid sticker. Sold within 10 minutes." (Halfy) * DEAR RYANAIR - "1) You are a bunch of rich cunts. But, unfortunately, you're proud of that fact. 2) You hate people. You hate your staff. You hate your passengers. Your contempt for people is utterly unparalleled. They hate you. It's fine. However, your flights are astonishingly cheap. 3) I have the solution to your PR. It will make you nicer and people might not hate you as much. Therefore ultimately richer! 4) Here's a clue. I would rather pay 50 quid IN ONE GO for a flight, than a flight advertised at a pound with 49 pounds worth of hidden extras because every time you do this I feel like I am being raped by a stupid Irish cock. You make me feel like shit. Which is why I fly Easyjet now. Who incidentally, are like a Bugatti Veyron to your rusty Reliant Robin. 5) Make the inside of your planes SLIGHTLY nicer. Just tone down that fucking yellow. 6) Michael Leary, whatever your name is... You are a cunt. 7) Profit!" (I have run out of coke ) >> This Week's Question << Bled recently? Been somewhere that looked like the inside of Dexter's lab? Got a hurty finger? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/blood/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Mythological creatures << Unicorns: maybe just a pre-op horse to you, but we're happy now the credit crunch has hit and advertising staff are being paid in LSD. For only drugs, yes, mind-expanding psychedelics, can explain a world where this concept is approved to flog a dating website. BTW: Wikipedia reckons a unicorn's horn will neutralise poison; which is much like the day-dream we had the other day where we could spread an anti-AIDS virus using our cocks. Hooray! http://tenreasonsitwouldruletodateaunicorn.com/ >> Painty optical illusions << Pop stars! Want a great location for your new music video? Head on down to Eureka Tower car park in Melbourne Australia and let the apparently crazy but actually rather clever sign-writing make the TV fatties press redial on those request-a-vid TV channels. You might want some ladies in gold pants too. We know we do. http://snurl.com/gotthepaintersin [www_ridelust_com] >> Brian May sexy fiction << This is why the government should bring back national service for homosexuals - they clearly haven't got enough to do and they're reduced to writing (admittedly extremely amusing) slash fiction fantasies about our nation's favourite celebrities. http://howthegoodlooknaked.wordpress.com/ >> Are you a bird or a bloke? << The internet has the power to tell, based on what websites are in your browser history. Although it didn't work for us as we keep the cache emptied lest our official b3ta wife espy just how long we spend looking at photos of naked ladies. BTW: If you still can't tell if you're a lady or a man, then try throwing a ball. If you've just gone, "Ooh, no, I'm inside," then you're definitely a woman. http://snurl.com/ladydar [www_mikeonads_com] >> Animals squashed against glass << Looking for a new animal photograph-based meme? Bored of icanhascheezburger, gapingmaws.com and catsthatlooklikehitler.com? You need 'animals squashed against glass'. Not the snappiest title, but it does what it says on the tin. http://snurl.com/10secondwonders [www_bestweekever_tv] >> Mawkish non lols << "The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer's live on TV. You should have seen the envelopes I got," Jasper Carrot once joked, so if you see him around, send him the link to this rather moving photographic account of a 98-year-old man and his daily struggle with his own memory. We hope Jasper never suffers the indignity of Alzheimer's. We hope he gets cancer instead. In his bum. http://www.dayswithmyfather.com/ >> Critter computer case << When case mods and taxidermy meet there's only one loser - the beaver. BTW: If you meet an annoying casemod nerd, here's how to wind him up. Say, "Oh that's really cute. It's like when teenage girls customise their phones with stickers." http://snurl.com/mumsloveubuntu [www_geekologie_com] >> Desperate money-making scam of the week? << The interweb is a fruit machine - if you know how to game it you can make it pay out. Alex Tew did well with his million-dollar home page, earlier this week there was the $999 iPhone app sold on the theory 'it's a way of showing off how rich you are' and the latest? Flush a dollar down the toilet - yep a real dollar. Sign up using Paypal. We predict a net profit of $43. http://www.flushabuck.com/ >> New perverts! << Thank God for Flickr, without it we wouldn't know about our new favourite fetishist. He likes stepping fully-clothed into a swimming pool and taking photos of his pant bulge. We've added him as a friend, as we're all Web 2.0. http://www.flickr.com/photos/soaked2008/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH An exquisite kitten Adorable baby calico cat lounges fetchingly in a variety of appealing locales; baskets, bowls, you name it. The comments do go a bit mental though. Never use Google in anger. http://www.karmapanda.com/gatito-exquisito/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Blink rapidly and pretend they're flickbooks >> The amazing lyrebird << Softly-spoken wildlife supremo David Attenborough introduces us to the vocal stylings of Australia's lyrebird. To be honest, this actually had us going until the Seinfeld-esque slap bass. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Amazing_Lyrebird_of_... >> Christian drum'n'bass << Some evangelical types give praise to Jesus through the medium of dance. That's something we can all respect. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Evangelical_Drum_and_Bas... >> Rejected Bond Theme << Spoof film soundtrack put together by someone with only the vaguest knowledge of, or interest in, the plot. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Quantum_of_Solace_potent... >> Westwood meets Jay-Z << 38-year-old rapper Jay-Z gets together with 50-year-old disk jockey Tim Westwood at the Glastonbury festival. They really, really do talk a load of old shit though, don't they? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Westwood_and_Jay_Z >> Rainbow conspiracy! << Conspiracy buffs and general nutcases are two a penny on teh interwebs. But this lady deserves special mention for her firmly-held belief that rainbows are there because of government conspiracy. http://www.break.com/index/insane-rainbow-conspira... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Retards & Peados, B3ta as per usual * RETARDEX - "clinically proven to eliminate bad breath" although with modern screening there is less of a need for this these days. http://www.periproducts.co.uk/retardex.asp * PEDIALYTE - "helps kids feel better fast", keep telling yourself that Mr Nabokov. http://pedialyte.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Hats Challenge Last week featured one of our legendary one-word challenges: hats. Your favourites included: * RITZY - nightmarish, freakish, entirely unpleasant animation. Also rather beautiful. (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8610693 * VINTAGE - this lady has breasts. Oh, and a hat. (kingsuperspecial) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8612245 * POEM - Edward Lear's owl/pussy pairing in near-disaster scenario. (Tribs) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8612737 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hats/ >> New challenge: Recession << How is the down turn in the global economy going to affect us? What changes are we going to see in the not-too-distant future? Are we screwed? Show us. Challenge suggested by Holly Would http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/recession/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * ELECTRIC TEA EXPERIMENT - orbrey's secondary school science training reveals that it's more efficient to boil water in a kettle than on a gas hob "because the element heats the water directly therefore less heat is lost to the environment." A grateful nation salutes you. * BAD MOVIE TITLE - 'Jism' was a pretty poor name, but pixelmixer submits for our perusal 'Help, I'm Being Crushed to Death by a Black Rectangle.' Pornotastic? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0475606/ * SHEEP'S PRINTER is a laser printer, not an inkjet at all LIKE WE THOUGHT. Thanks to the vigilant pedantry of Amos E Wolfe for catching that one. We've learned our lesson: NO MORE JOKES IN THE NEWSLETTER. * BREAD FROM PASTA - apparently there actually IS a bread crisis in Italy rather than it being just a crap joke from last newsletter. Who knew? Anyway, crackhouseceilidhband informs us that inflated European grain prices mean grinding pasta to make bread is non-viable. Bah. Let them eat pizza! * 2 CUPS + 1 BAG = BAD - Our technique for eking out the b3ta tea-bag stores apparently results in only the first cup containing nourishing, life-giving caffeine. This info-bombshell from TechImp has sparked off furtive cup-swapping shenanigans every time we take a break. Or Rob is trying to poison me. http://snurl.com/coughsplutterchoke [en_wikipedia_org] * JORDAN/PETER ANDRE BOOK - luvtub beams, "WAAAY back in Newsletter #261 you featured a piece on the magic that was the collaboration between pop-washout Peter Andre and his wife/model-turned-horrible-warbler Katie Price. Here lies a fitting coda to that story, featuring 40,000 birdshit-covered copies of their album and a video of the hapless couple in action." http://snurl.com/awholepooworld [new_uk_music_yahoo_com] ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Most common words Can you guess what are the 50 most-used words in the English language? Sadly 'lol' and 'teh' aren't there. http://snurl.com/commonwords [codebox_no-ip_net] Continuing our game diary for E4, this week there's about 4 pages of it as we horrifically overwrote. http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-02.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * AIR DRUM - write a Flash thing that works with a webcam, so you can mine drum parts and hear them WITH YOUR EARS. * BARIO 64 - hack the old N64 ROM and replace the speech samples with Brummie accents. * POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE - "Dear Bono, wish you were here" - Ok we've nicked this joke from NME circa 1990. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by stevethedalek, hollyloveshercamera, dj2323. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via MICK THE MAG. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Avoid parking tickets by removing your windscreen wipers (Mime) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Barry George, the guy just acquitted of Jill Dando's murder, has vowed to never stalk women again after eight years in prison. Don't be too hard on yourself, Barry, since you went in they've invented Facebook and we're all fucking at it now. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive