we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "90% OF DOGS IN KOREA ARE INBRED. LIKE IN A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BATTENBERG SIMULATOR - You wanted it, You got it * VID - Balloon fail * NIGELLA LAWSON TOPLESS MILK JUGS - A title too good not to mention at the top ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Your one-stop shop ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Exciting sub-headline makes you clicky >> Battenberg simulator << Cake, oh blessed cake, if it wasn't so tasty then the internet wouldn't be so fat. Thank Monkeon for producing this state-of-the-art Battenberg simulator to bring the power of chequered sponge squares to your internet. B3ta salutes you, well it would but the only time we lift our hands towards our head it's to put more cake in our fat faces. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/battenberg/ >> Sheepfilms vs. Chair << Regulars will be familiar with the quirky vignettes of Dave from Sheepfilms. His most famous moment being the now-legendary fart lighting video, which now means he can't leave his Brighton home without a mob of guff-hungry fans serenading him with a symphony of air trumpets. His latest work? Printing chairs using his inkjet printer. (Which is a bit like a dot-matrix printer, but more modern and fast, future-fans.) http://www.b3ta.com/links/Perspective_Chair >> Willy Wonka: Drug Tsar << Marilyn Manson always had a thing about the gratuitously druggy nature of the 1971 kiddie-flick Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, and b3tard Dogfood is on a similar trip, picking out all the clips that scream drug use. Some amusing editing here. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wonka_A_Recut_Trailer >> Notorious Cabinet << Defying Darwin aka WordBomb, or even plain old Rob Wakefield as the police know him, has been applying his love of shouty hiphop to crap old clips he's found on public film archives. We're amused, you may be too. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Pointless experiments Last week we asked what ridiculous things you'd done to further scientific knowledge. Played with poo and wee, mostly: http://b3ta.com/questions/experiments/ * HOT SHIT - "Home alone, Mum and Dad are at a wedding and will be gone for hours. Brothers are away on holiday. After three hours of casual masturbation, I decided to make the most of the empty house. What to do? Microwave a poo... Not a good idea. The house stunk sooo bad I had to deliberately burn some paper just so I could get the blame for something a lot less offensive. We got rid of the microwave shortly after because it just didn't smell right." (dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan) * PUTTING THE ANNOY IN TANNOY - "Bored one Saturday morning at the Sutton branch of B&Q, we conducted customer experiments with the tannoy system. The first announcement was, "Will the man with the beard come to reception please?" Classic. Eight blokes with various styles of beard turn up. We tell them none of them are the right one. Next announcement: "Will the man with the beard who looks like The Master from Doctor Who come to reception please?" Very hard to keep a straight face at this stage. Two more customers turn up at reception (one of whom had come up on the previous announcement - but thought he might look a bit like The Master). Both told despite having a passing resemblance (and beards), they are not the droids we are looking for. This carried on for some time: "Will the customer who has left an mechanised automaton in the car park please come to reception?" Three people turned up "in case." "Will the lady in the short skirt and high heels please come to reception?" "Will the owner of the mobility scooter currently on fire in the car park come to reception" One petrified granny turns up on a zimmer. (felt guilty about that one) Anyway, we got away with it for several hours till the store manager got wind of it. He went mental." (Mandrill) * TRAMP COCKTAIL - "Doing the Duke of Edinburgh Award thing. Tents had been set up, spliffs had been consumed, I had run out of vodka. What other alcohol might be available on a camping trip? That's right, meths. Seeing as meths is undrinkable neat, I combined it with the most logical mixer. Custard. Such was my alcoholism in the day, I actually managed to happily consume a whole bowl of methy-custard. Don't do it kids." (Madam Marlboro) >> This Week's Question << What have you done to make money fast? Did you actually make anything, or were you just ripped off by someone who really was getting rich quick? Did you have to sell your soul? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/getrichquick/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Lego album covers << Always good for a few clicks - famous stuff recreated in other stuff. And album art too - it's modern popular art innit? Much more loved than anything else arty in the world ever. FACT. http://www.thetoyzone.com/20-album-covers-recreate... >> Online, 70s style << It's 1975 And This Man Is About To Show You The Future. If we still ran image challenges based upon us dweebs picking a source picture, we'd choose these, and YOU'D MAKE IT ROCK. http://www.squareamerica.com/ib.htm >> Spoiler alert! << If you're too lazy to watch Cloverfield, here's a quick primer of the entire plot. And in the words of the bloke sitting next to us who bothered to watch it, "It's funny because it's true." Personally we're working through a 30 Rock marathon. Coz that's where we is at. http://speterdavis.com/mcomics_cloverfield.html >> Cakes wrecks << Book publishers! Here's your next idea for a dirty tie-in website book: lots of photos of really rubbish cakes. Comedy + food = win. http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/ >> Stained glass geeks << Oooh! Idea! Next time a bunch of teenage hoodlums throw half a brick through the window to steal your 42" tellybox, replace the pane with a stained-glass representation of your favourite computer game characters. We'd do Tetris, OBVIOUSLY. Because we're married and the official B3ta wife wouldn't be happy with Lara Crofts sending shafts of golden light over the chintz carpet. http://snipurl.com/geekstains [deputy-dog_com] >> Suitcase Sausages << How meaty and yet how practical! Maybe our readers would like to fashion their own from a handbag and some Lidl carrion surprise. http://bay01.imagebay.com/_upload/img/48/wurst_kof... >> Chip pan Wikipedia! << Thanks to iowaseven who has written in to share, "Everybody knows chip pans are famous for catching fire, and none knows it better than Wikipedia. Most of the page is devoted to fiery inferno, rather than delicious potatoey goodness." And blimey he does have a point. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chip_pan ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Simple lols for simple folk >> Balloon fail << Oh yeah, let's let some balloons free for AIDS or children with cancer. What could possibly go wrong? We're giggling thinking about it. GIGGLES we tell you. http://www.liveleak.com/view >> Cern Rap << Quite honestly we haven't watched this clip. The concept repels us. Rapping? Geeks? We'd rather wank in Gordon Brown's face. However, as it was the mostly highly-voted clip on the site this week, we figure this is what passes for entertainment these days. CLICK ON, HIVE MINDERS. http://www.b3ta.com/links/CERN_Rap >> Dramatic cat << Ah, this is more like it: a cat playing tribute to the most-lolled clip of 2006. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dramatic_Cat >> Sooty and Sweep do Stevie Wonder << US readers look away now, we're doing one of our periodical forays into parochial kids' TV kitsch. Worth it for the wig work alone. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stars_in_their_Eyes_Swee... >> Mad Poles << This is just glorious. Poland's answer to Jean Michel Jarre put his video together on a significantly smaller budget. Hence the CGI being supplied by a Spectrum, a Commodore 64 and screengrabs from Raid Over Moscow. http://patrz.pl/filmy/id/357661 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Tits with double spunk * NIGELLA LAWSON TOPLESS MILK JUGS - made you look, made you stare, made you cream your underwear. http://snipurl.com/marketinggenius [www_gadgethub_co_uk] * JISM, the film. Some Bollywood toss, rather than skin flick. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0348843/ * THE LIFE OF DICK SEAMAN, we hope he never had fertility issues as then he'd be Dicky Seaman. http://www.latphoto.co.uk/unique_collections/6 ------------------------------------------------- : SMALLEST SD CARD The weakest entertainment idea we've ever run Last week we asked if you could beat our 16MB SD card, the useless crap little cards that come with new cameras, so the first thing you have to buy is an upgrade. THE CAPITALIST GENIUS CUNTS. * 8MB WIN! Lambkin writes, "It came with a video camera. If you really are that interested here's a picture." http://snipurl.com/excitingwoohoo [s162_photobucket_com] * 4MB FAIL! Pinacolada blithers, "Just read the most recent newsletter (full of teh lolz as per usual, may I add) and saw you were looking for the lowest storage SD cards. Lo and behold in front of me I find a retro 4MB compact flash card! Not exactly SD but I thought I'd share it with you." Yes, exactly. NOT A BLOODY SD CARD. http://i33.tinypic.com/2dbruio.jpg BTW: According to group-think spoilsports Wikipedia, 8MB is as low as SD cards go. Unless you know better. *makes dramatic dah dah dah noises* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secure_Digital_card ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Abusive Ducks Challenge Last week we wanted you to portray the grotesque evil of ducks. Your favourites included: * QUACK - it's the Ducks of Doom (collapsibletank) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8591013 * QUACK QUACK - The Galactic Empire's early Walker prototype (c_kick) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8595622 * QUACK QUACK QUACK - duck brutality at its most horrific (Doctor When) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8591216 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/abusiveducks/ >> New challenge: Hats << It's time for one of b3ta's occasional, do whatever you want, ball's in your court, one-word challenges. The word? Hats! Challenge suggested by wobbly_bloke. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hats/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BEN WHEATLEY IN TV SHOW SHOCK - Good old Ben, he's done really rather well for himself. From humble beginnings posting on our boards, to occasionally helping us write the newsletter, he's gone a bit quiet over the last year, coz the BBC decided to kidnap him and let him make his own series. The trailer is on iPlayer here and we'll be running an interview with YOUR QUESTIONS nearer the transmission date. Yay for old beardy Ben! http://www.bbc.co.uk/wrongdoor/ * PUB MANK - Scaryduck has spun out from a conversation on a recent QOTW and put together his theory of how manky a pub is. Basically it's about leaving change in the urinal and seeing what's the smallest coin a punter will pick up in the piss. There's some kind of googlemap craziness going on too, but that just scares us. http://snipurl.com/disgustingidea [scaryduck_blogspot_com] * DRUGGY MAD PEOPLE - Mr. Granger exhales, "Inspired by the 'Drivin' on Salvia' link the other week, I painstakingly researched the item (well, wiki'ed it) and thought I'd give it a go. I have a long history of experimenting with various drugs and Eric (our host) seemed to be having a pretty cool time. "After purchasing some Salvia leaf from flea-bay (and receiving a mail from them washing their hands of the transaction), me and a mate set about smoking some. Nothing! Yet another cr@p "legal-high". Undeterred, I set off to our local head-shop, checked out the options and invested 15 quid in half a gram of Salvia at a concentration of 40x. "I loaded a small pipe with it, lit, inhaled and as instructed by Eric, held on for around 30 seconds. OH MY GOD! I've done acid, mushrooms and a few other hallucinogens over the years but I have never actually believed that what I was seeing was actually real. I saw and felt the Universe folding in half in a straight line running through my chest, as I gained the knowledge that my whole life had been an optical illusion which was now coming to an end. Slightly disturbed by this trip (which lasted approximately 3 minutes), I thought I'd try again - same thing! "Awesome experience I must say. I can fully understand why ancient civilisations would've used it in religious ceremonies as for a few minutes I knew the secret of the Universe! "I would send you the video of me at it but as it's just me sat looking blank for a few minutes it wouldn't help. Am planning to give it another go so will get a mate to film and will try to explain what's going on." BTW: Don't take drugs kids, stick to sniffing glue. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME E4 flash game compo We're helping the E4 site run a flash games competition. The prize? £5k. Our bit? We're making a game and a diary of our progress, read the first bit here. And feel free to either enter the challenge with your own game or help us make ours. Read on, gentle readers, read on. http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-01.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WIFE GAME - you play the wife. Grind your partner into misery with statements like, "Fine! You go down the pub then" or "I'll just stay here and cry!" * EAR WAX CANDLES - can you scrape enough wax out of your lug holes to fashion a candle? Will they burn? Maybe you could use a pube as a wick. * SPAGHETTI LOAF - can you grind down pasta, turn it back into flour and make bread out of it? You will have solved the Italian bread crisis. You fascist! Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by rbndrsn, ant, Bad Horsey, rob wakefield, seekew, rsloman Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via MissTourettes. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Fat Ladies! Eat cakes and other confectionery using only your fingertips, making yourself appear dainty. (Marquischacha) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Remains of five children have been found in the search of a children's home in Jersey. However, police say there is unlikely to be a murder inquiry because it's impossible to date the remains. Gary Glitter says he's willing to give it a go. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive