we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "...CHIPS IT IS THEN, SAY PORTUGUESE POLICE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FOOD - The Jaffegg * PICS - Souvenir vs. Reality * SCIENCE - Chemistry vids! ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Upset by somebody ! ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Eggs, Money and Wanks (Our life really) >> The Jaffegg << A scotch egg without all the tedious white - just a smashing orangey bit of yolk. Sickpuppy spent an evening turning the b3ta board's dream into a sausagey, eggy reality. They look extremely scary. http://snipurl.com/eggylols [www_fatuous_co_uk] >> Coin stack challenge << Your bored newsletter editors spent a sunny afternoon stacking coins in the back-garden to see who could make a higher pile. It's tough at the top. http://www.b3ta.com/features/coinstackchallenge/ >> Masturbation euphemisms << "I've had a theory for a while that any combination of verb and noun can be a metaphor for masturbation," burps flatfrog. "I created the Marvellous Masturbation Metaphor Generator to test the theory. Conclusion: it kind of works. Now I'm off to strap the cloth." http://b3ta.com/links/The_marvellous_masturbation_... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Tales of the Silver Screen Each week you tell us lies, and we stick them online before FHM.com does. Last week we asked you for your favourite films and how a trip to the cinema changed your life. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/films/ * SUPERHEROES! - "When I was four, my mum took me to the cinema to see Superman, where I sat wiggling with excitement in my seat, unable to contain myself. This continued right up until Lex Luthor has Superman, weakened by kryptonite, drowning in his swimming pool. At which point I ran, tears streaming down my cheeks, screaming to the front of the cinema and yelled at the screen: 'Come on Superman, you can do it!' to gales of laughter from the rest of the audience. To which I responded by having a tantrum and repeating in my snotty high-pitched sob 'Stop laughing, stop laughing, stop laughing!' I’m now 34 and my Mum still tells that story to anyone she meets for the first time. Cow." (scarpe) * ZOMBIES! - I used to go to the flicks every Tuesday, usually to watch terrible horror movies. This was in the days when you'd get two movies for your money with an intermission between the features. So there we were, first flick finished, the lights came up and one of the usherettes appeared in front of the screen to sell ice-cream. One strapping Geordie lad bought a couple of ices and walked back to his seat, one in each hand. Then, suddenly, from one of the curtains covering the fire exits, a shambling monstrosity appeared. Off-green skin tone, ripped clothing, lots of visible festering wounds, head to one side - the whole zombie experience. The strapping Geordie lad, Cornettos clutched proudly in each hand, did what any other full-blooded Geordie would do. He screamed like a girl and kicked the zombie right in the knackers. It turned out that the zombie - which hit the floor like a sack of shit - was a member of the theatre staff who was dressed up to promote the next week's horror offering. (Legless) * DINOSAURS! - The touching tale of Spielberg's epic dino movie, a doomed stunt goat and blind panic in the auditorium. A modern classic, and well worth your click. (Dr Tugnut2) http://www.b3ta.com/questions/films/post203246 >> This week: Pointless Experiments << Come on, we've all tried to live for a week and an all-sweetcorn and beetroot diet to see if we'd get yellow poo and purple wee, haven't we? Tell us how you've diced with death in the name of science. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/experiments/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Like if Reddit only ran 6 links per week >> Sex education << Apparently commissioned by the NHS, and completely bloody brilliant. http://www.bebooksonline.co.uk/girls_and_boys/defa... >> Souvenir vs. reality pics << Simply an excellent idea - take photos holding up postcards and tacky keepsakes, masking views of national landmarks. Some of the buses are particularly amusing. http://www.flickr.com/photos/michael_hughes/sets/3... >> Creepy Prague TV tower << Frighteningly reminiscent of The Tripods, this futuristic structure looms over the Czech skyline. But wait... what are those figures crawling all over it? They seem to be... giant naked babies? And a closer look? Aiee! http://deputy-dog.com/2008/07/17/ever-seen-a-creep... >> Rate my network diagram << First it was Hot or Not, then it was Rate My Kitten... Now it seems the nerds have caught up with the internet. Check out these highly stimulating pics of interlinked servers. http://www.ratemynetworkdiagram.com/ >> "You are beautiful" << A bunch of arty types stick styrofoam cups into a chain link fence to spell out a positive message, then sit back to watch. It's not long before negative-minded passers-by muscle in on the action, modifying the message to their own tastes... http://www.you-are-beautiful.com/INSTALLATIONS/cup... >> Angry journo whine << Times scribe Giles Coren lays into the newspaper's hapless sub-editors after they changed a single letter of his submitted piece. We are, to be honest, quite sympathetic - we'd *hate* for anyone to meddle with our deathless prose. But surely he could see he was laying himself open to the ensuing 127 comments calling him a cunt. http://www.order-order.com/2008/07/sub-standard.ht... >> Crank calls << One of the blokes behind tip-top TV lolfest Look Around You has a new book out - and to promote it he's been making a series of prank phone calls. Here he is, relentlessly wasting the time of some poor call-centre monkey at 118118. http://www.videojug.com/film/prank-call-118-118 ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby sloth This sleepy little sloth is barely a handful of hugs and fuzz. Oh, and it's part of a photo set titled Tiny Animals, which looks to be a rich vein of cuteness. http://snipurl.com/theslothofkahn [www_flickr_com] ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Video is the new animated gif >> Periodic table of vids << The periodic table of elements and a video of experiments for each, in what seems almost a pitch for a Top Gear of science. Check out the professor's awesome hair! http://www.periodicvideos.com/ >> Font conference << The organisation of typefaces gathers to consider admitting Zapf Dingbats to its ranks, but danger rears its head. Nice selection of gags for the graphic design-inclined. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1823766 >> Oobleck << Like watching the dawn of life in a tray of milk. Oobleck is, apparently, a non-Newtonian substance made from cornstarch and water. It goes from liquid to solid when under stress. It certainly looks cool when put on top of a speaker. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Crazy Saudi skate stunt << Fucking hell. Blokes in traditional Saudi dress, on the motorway, rollerblading while hanging onto a car. They aren't even proper rollerblades - they look like a sandal version of those rolly shoes small children wear. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Doctor Horrible << Joss Whedon's serial musical about an inept supervillain is excellent, ticking a load of lol boxes at B3ta Towers. Shame you can't watch it on the official site. Still, enjoy YouTube and, hey, buy the DVD when it comes out, kids! (Or download it from piratebay) http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER One dick, one cock, it's the B3ta newsletter * 'STREWTH MATE! G-Funk babbles, "I was watching Crocodile Dundee 2 the other night. There wasn't much else on and, to be honest, it's not bad. However, just as I stood up to turn off the TV, I noticed a rather strange name in the credits." http://www.coolsmartphone.com/images/stories/crocd... * COCK CACTUS - from the 'things that look like other stuff' files comes this set of succulents that resemble schlongs. Also reminiscent of Vagina dentata. Which is nice. http://www.sarahillenberger.com/news_viagra.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Low budget film remakes: results! Your favourites included: * SEARCH FOR SPOCK - can't find him on Google, maybe they should have Asked Jeeves? (calibrax) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8565614 * GHOST - naughty Blinky! Demi's tits are not for spunking ectoplasm on. (Brian O'Blivion ) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8566308 * MSDOS 2001 - Poor Hal, someone should have checked config.sys for conflicting drivers. (maximinimus) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8579739 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here, or you could look at the lowest voted if you're some kind of masochist. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/lowbudgetfilmremakes... >> Abusive Ducks - New challenge << Ducks are complete shits, famous for wife-beating and general duck abuse. Show the world you're on to them. Blame the board for this when - they had mini-revolt and insisted on ducks, in some form of dirty protest. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/abusiveducks/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. ANT TRAILS - "Just read last week's newsletter Top Tip about confusing ants by crossing their path with chalk," explains Kaol. "They walk in lines because they follow scent trails that other ants have laid down. A bit like tramps following the reek of Special Brew to find the Cardboard City. Rubbing chalk across the line will rub the scent trail away, so they'll get lost and confused. To be fair, rubbing anything across the line would do the job. Cheese, a severed toe or even a damp sponge would work well." BABY TIGER - The animal in the 'T' section of last week's featured Baby Animal Alphabet "bears a remarkably close resemblance to Robin Williams," observes Alcoholics Heironymous. By crikey - so it does! Poor, furry creature... http://dalesdesigns.net/animals/baby_tiger.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Heath Robinson game Our favourite-ever PC game was The Incredible Machine, so quite why we didn't linky this last week is anyone's guess, as it was all over the interwebs and some of you wrote in to complain about its absence. Haven't you got anything better to do? Like eat cake? http://fantasticcontraption.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * NAZI LOLS - The Vomiting Hitchhiker shouts, "I am thinking of starting 'International Talk Like A Nazi Day', in the spirit of Dr Strangelove, Springtime for Hitler, 'Allo 'Allo etc, but I'm worried that it might still be a bit soon. What do your readers think?" * ELECTRIC TEA EXPERIMENT - cowjam writes, "I want to know which is cheaper, making tea using an electric kettle or one on the gas hob. Tea is important, and so is money. And I can't be arsed to work it out for myself." * LOWEST MB SD CARD CHALLENGE - we've got one that's 16MB can you beat that? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by thewingedcroc, The Fretful Porpentine, Rusty, SockCooker Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Alistair Coleman is QOTW bloke. Subjectline via The Great Architect. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Prevent your grubby work colleagues from nicking your milk by decanting it into a soya milk carton or bottle. No-one will touch it, believe me. (Bad Horsey) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What was Michelle McManus' favourite musical instrument at school? The dinner bell. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive