we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HELPING FATTIES GET FATTER SINCE 2001" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FOOD - Scroll wheel cheese * SONG - Jonti deconstructs celebrity * OTHER STUFF - That's mostly quite good ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Introducing La-di-da ___/ _ |/_ > How to be a celebrity << If you were wondering how to make it big on the showbiz circuit, the stellar Jonti Picking sheds some light on what it takes. Paid work for E4 too - the lucky shit. http://www.e4.com/wtf/animations/how-to-celebrity.... >> Scroll wheel cheese << Take a closer look at that mouse you're using. See the little bits of crap that have gathered in the ridges of the scroll wheel? What is that stuff? Well we don't know either, but in the spirit of inquiry Rob scraped it all out for a closer look. Revolting. http://www.scrollwheelcheese.com/ >> Slug space program << Short, Creature Comfort-inspired film from the clearly very talented David Ellinor. His other stuff's worth checking out too. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Cut-out biplane << Stuck for something to do? Near a colour printer? Like biplanes? Amoebaboy has a treat in store for you - a lovely, lovely model biplane that you can assemble yourself. http://www.b3ta.com/board/8514702 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Your Biggest Disappointments Last week we wanted your greatest disappointments. Please go and read Ragged's entry at least - the man deserves a fricking medal for all he's gone through: http://b3ta.com/questions/disappointment/ Here's three shorties we liked: * MY DAILY ROUTINE - "First things first: -clench fist- Damn. No retractable claws. Still not Wolverine then. -fling wrist forward- Damn. No web. Still not spiderman then. -Concentrate on dressing gown- Damn. Still not a Jedi then. -sigh- Ah well. Maybe tomorrow." (Devil_In_Tights) * THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER - "The anthem of Tony Blair and New Labour's election victory of 1997. God, I can remember it now. Staying up, all night, watching the results come in. It wasn't a victory, it was a fucking massacre. After 18 years of Tory misrule we finally had kicked the bastards out of power and now it was *our* turn. We could reverse the Tories' destruction of our education system, we could reverse what they'd done to our heavy industries, steel, ship-building, engineering and mining. That night/morning- it was golden. Then look what happened..." (legless) * DOLPHINS - "Easter holidays, Anglesey. About 9 years old, sharing a room with my ten year-old sister. About 5am, my Mum bursts into our room, shouting "Get up! Get up! You have to get up now!" We awaken, dazed, confused, totally unsure of what's going on, but my Mum is still there and insisting that we put on swimming costumes IMMEDIATELY because, "there are dolphins near the beach and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to see them in North Wales!" She goes on to explain that she set her radio alarm wrongly, and woke up at 5am to a local news report that said they were there. Naturally, my sister and I are incredibly excited by this: people at school have seen dolphins, but we never have. We get changed and in less than five minutes we're out of the house with my Mum, running the half mile or so to the beach. When we get there, we run into the freezing cold water, looking for the dolphins. Strangely we can't find anything. We return to my mum, confused... to find her actually crying with laughter on the beach... It was April Fools Day. The worst part is that she still finds it hysterically funny, but it's been over ten years now and my sister and I have never quite recovered." (Completely Underwhelmed) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your tales of the supernatural and other unexplained phenomena. Talk to us here (through a medium if necessary): http://b3ta.com/questions/unexplained/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Meat water << We once day-dreamed of a product for tramps: alco-soup, a nourishing liquid dinner with the enlivening qualities of hard spirits. On a similar combo-themed tip comes Meat Water, ideal for busy people who want a roast lamb and hydration in one handy combo. WARNING: Spoof ahead. http://dinnerinabottle.com/ >> Ancient rude Sega ads << Here's a history lesson for you, in the early 90s Virgin Mastertronic used to handle the distribution for Sega and being a young UK company, placed a series of mucky ads in Viz. Wouldn't happen now. http://snipurl.com/segalols [www_ukresistance_co_uk] >> Sushi Art << Your mum says don't play with your food, but these crafty Japanese types have done exactly that and proved her wrong with an avalanche of cuteness. Not sure what it tastes like but it looks wonderful. Much like a Russian prostitute. http://www.toxel.com/inspiration/2008/05/30/incred... >> Solve your tax problems << The secret of being rich isn't anything to do with earning money, but about paying as little tax as possible. That's why the future belongs to printing your own fake receipts. BTW: An accountant recently told us about an author client of theirs that bought a boat to do "research into writing a book about boats", whizzed about on it for a year then declared the market too crowded for another boaty book. All tax deductible - HA! http://www.customreceipt.com/index.php ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Lo-res lols for losers >> Best porn intro ever << Beautiful young Hungarian lady comes to America to learn English - but look out for snakes! Hard to tell what's worse, the acting or the script. Or maybe some sort of magical alchemy of the two. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> The website is down << Day in the life of a hapless techie becomes an escalating comedy of errors. Told through the snappy dialogue and shots of the poor guy's desktop. http://www.thewebsiteisdown.com/ >> Sesame Street censored << Unnecessary bleeps and blurring give a disturbing slant to the kids' TV favourite. Those puppets are really men's hands you know. http://b3ta.com/links/Innocent_kids_TV_random_blee... >> Aussie Milk Run << They drink a litre of milk, some food colouring and a squirt of lemon juice. Then they run and jump about until the stuff curdles and comes back up, creating beautiful, pukey patterns. Takes a while to get going - stick with it. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Aussie_Milk_Run >> Boxing cat << Aww. This kitten thinks he's people. Or at least he thinks he can beat up people. Would be a cute TV ident for a sports channel. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boxing_cat >> Pedestrian crossing abuse << A crowd of arty types lies in wait for cars at a zebra crossing - then parades across in an almost unending stream of funny costumes and wacky characters. The drivers seem to take it in good spirits though - perhaps it's because they're French. http://snipurl.com/furryfrogs [dailymotion_alice_it] ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER * SERBO-COCK - always good to see a land-mass shaped like an engorged manhood complete with spunky spitting islands. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siberian_Federal_Dist... * BOYOS FROM I.T - they may be good at rugby, buggery and being short, but don't ask a leek enthusiast to fix your PC. http://www.welshit.co.uk/ * BEST NAME EVER - Afish shares, "As a copy editor of a large newspaper here, I see this name in stories almost every day - and it still makes me do a double take. Here's the link to the school district's web site with his contact information" http://snipurl.com/fuckpenis [www_coachella_k12_ca_us] * CALLING ALL POO FANS - what will those dirty hippies think of next? http://www.solartoilet.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Road Signs Challenge Last week we wanted to see road signs that told the literal truth. Your favourites included: * HORSE DRAWN VEHICLES - We love horsies, best of all the animals (Puromycin) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8507816 * THE ITALIAN JOB - You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off (1.618...) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8515425 * HIDDEN DIP - does literally what it says on the jar (The Great Architect) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8500474 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literalroadsigns/ >> New challenge: FAT BRITAIN << People of Britain! You're getting fat! Our nation is in the grip of an obesity epidemic. How will our celebrities adjust to their growing girth? What will life be like when we're all massively overweight? Paint with porky pixels. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fat/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CORPORATE STATIONERY BRAGGING RIGHTS - a few of you lovely people shared your booty, we now have a Viagra pen, Rohypnol desk tidy and a Pukka Pies biro. Well done team. http://snipurl.com/2pvkt [www_flickr_com] ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Doors You play Jim Morrison, looking for lizards in the desert. When you die, you get to play it again as Val Kilmer - and then as Ian Astbury. Sadly we're telling porkies, but still, this is a good game. http://www.kongregate.com/games/soapaintnice/open-... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * PRANK YOKO ONO - Contact Yoko's people and say that you're representing a just-add-water curry product, find out what it costs to licence Lennon's Instant Karma. Sing the jingle down the phone, "Instant Korma's nearly ready.." Do the same with Sinitta's So Macho for turkey stuffing, "It's so Paxo!" All these people will sell out for a price. It's a series we tell you. * PUT MAYONNAISE ON FREECYCLE - and film the fatties who turn up to collect it. It's like honey to the bees. * THE BOOZE PLAN DIET - 2 small bottles of beer for breakfast, vodka and tomato for lunch and a magnum champagne for dinner. How much alcohol should we drink to get our full 2200 calories per day? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Alzo, phix65, Friz 4.1, ChaRleyTroniC, Cuthbert Annihilator, beaverwastemanagement and the lovely Paolo. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Leopards are not the only cat. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: It's Gay Pride this weekend so here's a tip straight from the cottage scene - when banging someone in a public loo put a carrier bag on each shoe. That way when someone comes round to check they'll look under the door and only see two feet and two bags of shopping. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Hearty congratulations to Venus Williams on beating Elena Dementieva to get to the final of Wimbledon. I mean have you looked at Dementieva? She's gorgeous. How Venus managed to concentrate on her tennis with an erection is beyond me. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive