we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "BEATEN INTO 6TH PLACE BY LABOUR" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PAIN - Scotch eggs are the cure * VID - Dancing Matt 2 * ANIM - Shatner's Common People ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Eggs, sport and offices. Woo hoo! >> Scotch egg pain relief << Hangover? Depression? Period pain? Happytoast advocates the analgesic power of pork and egg. Nicely done, although the computer-generated woman's voice makes it a soupcon bad-trippy. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nurofegg >> Olympic logo is awesome! << The logo design for the 2012 London Olympics has caught its fair share of flak. Cap'n looks to set the record straight - everybody really loves it. And it has uncanny abilities to heal... or harm. http://www.b3ta.com/links/196920 >> Office light sabre fight << Blokeys mucking about in the office after hours discover real light sabres, kind of thing. We liked the naturalistic performances. http://www.b3ta.com/links/199705 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Old People Speak Truths We wanted the sage advice you'd been handed down by previous generations. We've collected our favourite bits of advice below, shorn of all context for comic effect, so do read the full stories here: http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplespeaktruths/ Some of this stuff is remarkably specific: * "Remember to fuck around a lot, when I was growing up we weren't allowed to." * "Never look at your mum when she's eating a banana." * "If anyone in Brazil tries to mug you, kick them in the balls till they drop to the ground, then stamp on their throat." * "You learn something every day... and then forget it every night" * "Never try shitting in a wicker waste paper bin." * "Our family are too handsome to fight. Leave that to the Uglies." * "Forget looks an' tits an' shite. All ya needs from life is a woman with a heart of gold and a fanny like a jar of worms." Also 'mon bison' warns, "don't listen to every bit of advice old people give you. I once believed what an old guy told me but it turns out he was lying: They WERE the droids we were looking for." >> This Week's Question << We'd like your biggest disappointments. Talk to us here if you can bear it: http://b3ta.com/questions/disappointment/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Children's drawings recreated as photos << Picture the scene: a four-year-old boy sitting in class sketching. His friend says, "What's that you are drawing? What are the small black triangles falling from the sky?" "It's raining vaginas." Just a suggestion for where this art project might like to go next. http://snurl.com/yesverynicedear [www_yeondoojung_com] >> Could you live in a cupboard? << Jay Shafer makes tiny houses - the size of a small bedroom - and sells them in Ikea-style kits for you to live in. Cost? About £20k to you mate. http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/ >> Best Photo of Toast Award 2008 << Some dull story about building a super-toaster, but we love it for the long scrolly photo. http://snurl.com/toastpiclol [gizmodo_com] >> Sing my ringtone << Chavvy shit: a ringtone site that sings your name in an annoying, "Rob! Rob! Answer the phone" stylee. Um so why are we linking it? Made us laugh more than anything else this week. Really. Maybe we're broken. http://www.singmyring.com/ >> Ladybird police << Old gits will remember the Ladybird books - designed for swots who actually wanted to know how things worked rather than just play Frogger and sniff glue. Here's the police one - rewritten for amusing lol internets fun time. http://seorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird.html ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Because web people under 30 can't read >> Star Trek Common People << The cartoon series Kirk and Spock paired up with big Bill Shatner's cover of the Pulp classic. Simple win. http://www.b3ta.com/links/198509 >> Return of Dancing Matt << The erstwhile internet star returns to his globe-trotting, light fantastic-tripping ways. This vid has some impressive locations but what makes it so nice is all the other people joining in. It's like he's some sort of lovely ambassador, uniting the world through dancing like a twat. (We think it's advertising chewing gum btw) http://www.b3ta.com/links/Where_The_Hell_Is_Matt:2 >> Escalator spin << You can lie on the moving handrails of adjacent escalators and they'll rotate you round. Looks like a great way to liven up your next visit to a department store. Remember, it's all fun and games until someone gets caught in the gubbins. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Escalator_Spin >> Awesome rap sequence << Vintage teen movie rates a guy's coolness by his ability to rap and breakdance, boy-band style. Standout line: "Look how funky he is!" We'd make some joke about the ridiculousness of some current teen fashion, but we're afraid it will have already become kitsch and quaint in the time it takes the email to reach you. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Top_that >> Lion reunion << Two blokes who raised a lion cub go visit him, now he has grown to adulthood in the wild. Brilliant soft rock soundtrack helped tug at our withered, dried-up heart strings. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Two cocks one tit * PM'S WIFE IN TWIN COCK SHOCKER - Sarah Brown always seemed a such a sensible lady, a refreshing change from letterbox gob Cherie Blair. But this jaunty jacket suggests at a darker side to the PM's wife - could she be wearing the trophies of a parliamentary spit roast? http://snurl.com/brownwife [www_imagehosting_gr] * BOO BEE JUICE - This should contain milk but it looks like an even more toxic version of Sunny D. The name doubtless refers to the massive moobs your kiddies will be sprouting if they quaff too much of this sugary slop. http://www.unibev.co.uk/1210/8456.html * PHALLIC LOGO #15741 - We're not sure why this painfully spiky-looking penis has been chosen to represent a new property development. Maybe the designers just cocked up? http://www.a1-hi-country-condos.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Olympic Mascot Challenge Last week we wanted you to design a mascot for London 2012. Your favourites included: * SOCK - about 1,000,000% better than whatever the official mascot will be. (prodigy69) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8476332 * SHAPE - whereas the official choice will probably look exactly like this (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8479199 * QUO - b3ta favourites Rick and Francis return once again, this time in British red and blue (giraffen) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8476681 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascot/ >> New challenge: Literal Road Signs << Imagine if road signs, instead of directing you or warning of expected hazards, told you precisely what was taking place at that particular moment. Then 'shop the results of your imagination. Challenge inspired by Virulent. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literalroadsigns/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * RACIALISTS! - many of you wrote in to say our Who's Younger quiz confused Michael Jordan with Magic Johnson. Some of you even suggested this was racism rather than lack of interest in American sporting heroes. Although they both have bum-AIDS don't they? * B3TA VS NME - our old 'extending album art challenge' from last Christmas has been turning up absolutely everywhere. Including the NME who managed to plop each image onto a separate page and flog nine adverts per entry and that's not counting the advertorial. Kids - the NME is still cool yeah? http://nme.com/photos/468/1/-extended-album-sleeve... * INTRODUCING MONDAY REMEMBERED - nice to see that people haven't forgotten one of B3ta's earliest stunts. http://www.daniweb.com/blogs/entry2691.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SEX-TAPE-O-TRON - since even Verne Troyer is getting in on the act (give us some mind-bleach please) what about making a little toy where you can upload your friend's/celeb's face onto a video thing and send it around? Maybe with a checkbox for a wanking monkey. * CORPORATE STATIONERY - when we go to a meeting with a big company we like to blag a bit of stationery as a trophy. OK, we've only done it twice, but with your help we can create something impressive. http://snipurl.com/amazingpens [www_flickr_com] * JOHN LESLIE RAPE QUIZ - as the headline in the Evening Standard recently went. We gasped, "Surely that's a b3ta quiz?" Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Dai_Marzipan, hexachordal, philevans, newaer, jfulton, Ana Piresmarques, Manic, GoldenNinjaWarrior and cris69. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols from DogHorse. Secret bonus link: http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_confuse_an_idiot ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Make your own budget boil in the bag cod in parsley sauce by simply scraping the bread-crumbs off a fish finger and slipping it inside a used condom. (Chewy) http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Sex is like squaring numbers. If they're under 16, just do them in your head. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive