we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "GUEST-WRITTEN BY DR RAJ PERSAUD" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUIZ - Who's younger? * JINGLE - It's Rainham Sheds! * OLD PEOPLE - And their bloody useless advice ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Half number of the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Quizzes, Graphs and generally very sexy things >> Who's Younger? << Your Ginger Fuhrer has recently been looking at the lines on his face and the grey in his once luxuriant-red mane and wondering where his youth has gone. And in a vain attempt to make himself feel better he's turned his pain into a quiz. "Complete horse shit, I don't look a day over 25," writes the nazi titian, "And writing lies about myself in the third person is just weird." http://www.whosyounger.com/ >> IMDB film length project << Last week we asked you to bash up a quick data analysis to find out if films were getting shorter or longer. Short answer? They're getting longer. Long answer, then get clicky. Thanks Mr infinitypoint0. http://www.infinitypoint0.com/60/imdb-film-length-... >> Beginner's Guide to HDR << "Nowhere near as b3taesque as last week's Munchy Box review," blithers jaredearle, "but here's my absolute beginner's guide to HDR Photography." Woo hoo! We really really need to get off our arses and try this out. Bracketing, posh cameras, must do this. http://blog.23x.net/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Accidental Innuendo Last week we asked if you'd turned an innocent conversation into filth. Seems quite a lot of you are incapable of doing otherwise: http://b3ta.com/questions/innuendo/ * FOXHUNTING? - "We'd met online, but our first face-to-face meeting was at the Ritzy bar in Brixton. I couldn't think of much to say, so I was thinking "topical, topical, what's topical?" - then I hit on what I naively thought was neutral territory - bloodsports! That same day outside my workplace the pro- bloodsports Countryside Alliance had been noisily demonstrating so I hit upon the idea of asking, "What do you think about foxhunting?" She looked a bit startled, looked at her shoes, paused then said "Erm. It's not my favourite thing or anything... um... but it has been known... yeah, I do it." I'm a bit shocked, there's previously been no mention of vulpine extermination in her social CV, no mention that at weekends she is one of the 'unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable.' I paused, somewhat taken aback. She paused too. "Did you say foxhunting?" "Yes" "Oh, I thought you said cocksucking." (Wascally Weasel) * FRIEND TO THE GAYS - "A gay couple who are dear friends of ours were over for dinner when the conversation drifted round to 'opposites attract'. According to my wife, one illustration of this phenomenon is that in every happy couple there is always an organised and tidy one (her) and a more spontaneous, less organised one (me). It helps if one partner is more obsessed with tidiness than the other, right? Nods of recognition all round from me and the gay chaps. "So," she asks brightly, "which one of you two is the anal one?" (Thomas_The_Spankengine) * SORE BUM - "I was about 3, on the bus to Oxleas Wood. Apparently, in those days I didn't always wipe my arse properly and as such used to get bad nappy-rash. So there we are, sat on the top deck with a big rasta guy sat behind us, when I pipe up with, "Daddy, I don't want to go into the woods, my bottom hurts!" Everyone stared at him." (Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock) >> This Week's Question << We'd like the useful advice old people have given you. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplespeaktruths/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Best jingle ever? << It's Rainham Sheds! Hallelujah, it's Rainham Sheds! Need we say more? http://www.rainhamsheds.co.uk/ >> Read at work << Initially confused us, but a clever idea. Read literary classics while the boss thinks you're hard at work - they're formatted to look like you're slogging through a spreadsheet or powerpoint presentation. If only someone would do something like this for porn we'd be made up. http://www.readatwork.com/ >> Sorry I missed your party << Snarky comments abound on this blog culled from other people's party pics culled from Flickr. Other people really look like losers when they're having fun. http://sorryimissedyourparty.com/ >> Expensive cable reviews << It just has to be some sort of computer error. Surely nobody buys $500 cables for their stereo. Anyway, tons and tons of reviews extolling the connector's many wondrous qualities. Interestingly, amazon's tag system rates it as considerably more immoral than The World of Dog Fighting. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000I1X6PM/b3ta-2... >> Startling tornado photo << Supposedly, the photographer looked out of her window and caught sight of this bearing down on the house. She snapped this shot then ran for cover. It begs the question of whether there are better pics out their whose authors didn't start running in time... http://snipurl.com/dropthecameraandrun [gizmodo_com] >> Scientists do the funniest research << This scientist simply stuck his cock into a foam cup a number of times, to see whether a foreskin has any effect on how hard he has to push. Sheesh. http://www.cirp.org/library/anatomy/taves1/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Naked sea snails! No really, just look at this happy little highly-toxic fellow! Just don't eat him. http://cache.io9.com/assets/resources/2008/05/sill... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Printing out jpegs and flicking them really fast >> Dance the Yes << An odyssey in camp, as two gentlemen on stage teach you how to dance the Yes. Our favourite bit? "Let's do the fork in the garbage disposal! Ding ding ding ding-ding ding ding!" http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Star Wars Strictly Come Dancing << Good lord. Dance-off between major Star Wars characters. Not entirely sure why we like this so much. Maybe it's laughing at Star Wars nerds. More likely because it's just fucking great. http://b3ta.com/links/Nerds_Star_Wars_Strictly_Com... >> Ants eat gecko << Tiny ants rapidly gobble up a dead liizard, then scarper with the larger bits for parts unknown. The video-maker says this is filmed in his kitchen. Insects that voracious would probably save a ton of washing up - plates picked clean! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Fat cat does aerobics << Hard to say what this peculiar Japanese ad is trying to sell with a ridiculously obese cat character attempting strenuous exercise. Very cute though. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Polite driver << Rally driver ploughs off the road on a corner, narrowly missing killing the spectators. Still, at least he pauses to make things right... http://snipurl.com/brrrmbrrrm [www_break_com] >> Robot band << We didn't stand up when they took all the factory jobs - now look what's happened. Band from New Zealand entirely comprised of non-humanoid robots. we suspect, however, that they don't write all their own material. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Double entry, double the pun * COCKS - Lighthouse on the rocks? Or cock and balls? It's a sticky question. http://snipurl.com/suck-it-and-see [www_joeydevilla_com] * PUNS - Not just 10, not just 20 but a full top 50 of the best so-clever shop titles. As you might expect, a fair number of hairdressers in there, although we liked the Lord of the Fries cafe. http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/06/06/the-50-best-... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Cooking with Beta Challenge Last week we wanted you to cook. Your favourites included: * CHICKEN CAKE - does exactly what it says on the tin (Paolo) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8457681 * CRISPS - not really cooking, but old-skool gaming brought to life through the package of potato snackage (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8467201 * MEME CREME - classic b3ta meme re-enacted using marzipan, icing, and lots of food colouring (Bobby Bob Bob) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8465913 All this food, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cooking/ >> New challenge: 2012 Olympic Mascot << The BBC are asking people to design a mascot for the London Olympics. We think you can do better. Who or what would best represent Britain to the world? Challenge suggested by The Coast of Yemen. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascot/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * WEIRD GOOGLE ADS - "Regarding the latest newsletter, this dodgy paedophile advert came up on one my websites recently" writes mrtinybrain. Um, we actually know what this is about, so sit down and get a dull science and marketing lesson kids. Ebay have an affiliate scheme that earns money for third parties, the trick is to get someone to click on an ebay link then a few pennies of any transaction made in the next few days goes to the site who created the link. Hence people use all sorts of odd bits of text - much of it computer generated to get your attention. This is why - for example - we sometimes see "Buy Buffy's Swearing Keyboard now!!!" on the B3ta google ads. Not our fault we promise you. http://mrtinybrain.com/age14.PNG ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Puzzlefarter We've always theorised that Marry Poppins powered her upwards flight by guffing under her starchy skirts, but it never occurred to us that this would be a great idea for a game. Fools that we are. BTW: Press the up key twice, you'll get the hang of it. http://puzzlefarter.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * INTERNET VS GRANDMASTER CHESS - everyone in the world gets to click on the chess board and vote where the piece goes next. Would the internet beat Garry Kasparov? What about in a wanking competition? * WHY REAL MEN SHOULDN'T WEAR LYCRA - we did 10 mins research on this and it all got too gay porny for us. * AMAZON RANK WIDGET - when our lovely sick joke book was published we used to obsessively check the sales rank. What would be lovely - for booky types, would be a widget that peeps could embed into their blogs/facebooks that drew lovely graphs. Ooh - what is the sales rank then? An excuse to link to our book you say? Absolutely. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190554828... Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Kundalini, c_kick, satan's magic jumper, insert username here, jim herbert, Flamo, Cam, SockCooker, loogie, Ana, kitch, yank meoff. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols by Thor_sonofodin. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: "Window cleaners at traffic lights - I've tried this in France and the UK and it works: if you oddly don't want your car windscreen 'washed' by those twits that hang around at traffic lights, just say in a loud voice 'It's not my car'. Works every time." (le chat qui pue) http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: One How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb? http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive