we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PANIC BUY PETROL - IT'S ABOUT TO RUN OUT!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUIZ - How many crap sequels? * FACTS - What Glaswegian really eat * SALMON - Ye olde dishwasher trick ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "£65 to see Stevie Wonder ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Sequels, munchies and salmon >> How many sequels did they make? << If there was any justice in the world, monkeon would be a multimillionaire from his webby genius. Actually, he's quite reclusive so, for all we know, he already is. Anyway, he has this week emerged from his mountain fastness bearing yet another item of quality. Guess how many sequels they made from these major film franchises. The results surprised us. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/sequels/ >> What is a Munchy Box? << Thanks be to Jared Earle for initiating us into the mystery of cuisine in the towns and villages surrounding Glasgow. A Munchy Box is a fucking enormous tub of takeaway meat - feast your eyes! http://blog.23x.net/ >> Salmon in a dishwasher << "Hey up," beams a suspiciously chipper Tom Scott. And sure enough, he's up to no good. "Inspired by your Breville sweets last week, I've started the 'unusual cookery' thing again. This time,I'm testing the urban legend about poaching salmon in a dishwasher," he explains. And with his landlord's dishwasher too. http://www.tomscott.com/salmon ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK How to get yourself dumped Last week we asked about getting dumped, and frankly the stories were so depressing that we're not going to quote any of the in the newsletter. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/pleasereleaseme/ >> Accidental innuendos << Thankfully we've got a cheerful topic this week - accidental innuendos, with respect to a time we we worked a woman we used to work with walked into a car workshop to get her windscreen replaced, and uttered the immortal line, "Have you seen the size of my crack? http://www.b3ta.com/questions/innuendo/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> "I dug up a NAZI BUNKER!" << The only thing we've ever dug up is a few clay pipes, and the only thing we remember burying is a load of undelivered newspapers and a family cat. Dreadful paper boys that we were. But imagine the sheer joy of uncovering a Nazi bunker in the back garden. It's in Jersey, so it probably makes a change from digging up kids. http://gardenbunker.blogspot.com/2008/06/backgroun... >> Nihilistic comedian website << Miserabilist magician Jerry Sadowitz is known for his sharp temper and jaded eye. But the misanthropic tone of his site makes for genuinely uncomfortable reading. It looks like he actually is seriously depressed and has given up on the world. Hang out with us Jerry! We'll make you a lovely cup of tea and then rip off your jokes for next week's newsletter. http://www.jerrysadowitz.com/ >> Porn for the blind << Quite how we've missed this for so long we have no idea. Internet pornography read out loud for the enjoyment of the sight-impaired. We liked the readers' occasionally audible efforts to suppress sniggers and the rendition of 2girls1cup is a highlight. http://pornfortheblind.org/ >> Phone sex operators << A mate of ours works does back-end stuff (ho ho) for a phone sex line and once mentioned that all calls are recorded for legal reasons. Less legally, the more amusing ones are emailed around the office as MP3s for everyone to listen to. Despite our begging, he won't release this info for B3ta. So here instead are some rather thought-provoking and nicely-shot photos of the people who answer the phones in such operations. http://snipurl.com/youwontbewankingnow [www_themorningnews_org] >> How to make photos more interesting << Speaking as internationally-obscure internet celebs, hardly a day goes by without some lowly punter stopping us in the street and asking us to pose with them for a photograph. This guy has the right idea on how to liven up the rather stilted compositions that often result. He gets them to stage a fist fight with him - awesome. http://www.steveharwood.com/punch.htm >> How long would you live in space? << Calculates your expected life-span on exiting shuttle's the airlock doors, based on your health and physical condition. Not to spoil it, but people tend not to last too long, unprotected in a total vacuum. http://www.oneplusyou.com/q/v/space_vacuum ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Pigs in boots Cinders the piglet was too frightened to frolic in the muddy puddles with her brothers and sisters. That is until the farmer found some tiny boots to protect her dainty trotters. We thought it was supposed to be beef wellington - not pork! http://snipurl.com/dailynazi [www_dailymail_co_uk] ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Providing YouTube with .000000001% of ad profits >> Tori Amos was cornflake girl << Tori claimed that it was a complex metaphor for female circumcision when she brought the song out - and we believed her. Well that's as may be, but it could also be a reference to 17-year-old Tori starring in an ad for breakfast cereal. http://uk.youtube.com/watch >> 'Driving on salvia' << Likeable dude tries to teach you how to handle a vehicle while under the effects of powerful, psychoactive drugs. Hilarious ending. Say no to drugs, kids. http://www.b3ta.com/links/194664 >> Chav vs. wall << Foolish kid trying to kick his way through a concrete wall while his mates yell encouragement. Nonetheless, the ending made us flinch in grudging sympathy. http://www.b3ta.com/links/194111 >> Radiohead's 'Nude' on computer parts << Redundant bits of computer hardware made to belt out a slightly obscure Radiohead track. Really cleverly done, the attention to detail is phenomenal. Mind you, it could lose a bit of the ZX Spectrum loading sequence at the start. http://www.vimeo.com/1109226 >> Requiem for a wardrobe << One-man musical comedy double act Dan and Dan sings goodbye to the clothes of his youth. He actually emailed in some stuff this week but we caught a glimpse of this vid and loved it - loved it - so much so that we couldn't resist sticking it in instead. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> The Butterfield diet << Learn how to lose weight now, with this infallible fad diet. The 'treat day' sequence is well worth the wait. Short clip from Peter Serafinowicz's BBC show of last year, illustrating the irony of publicising TV shows on the web: people realise how good you are well after the broadcast. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK OMG! I is B3ta on fire! To celebrate our website fire we've made a lovely shirt, full of ascii flames. Buy it, so that we can afford more dangerous stuff that burns. http://snipurl.com/cisco_inferno [printshop_co_uk] ------------------------------------------------- : HOW TO MAKE YOUR H20 FIZZ Bring your water to the slaughter Last week we asked, Is there such thing as a pill or some other system to make ordinary tap water into fizzy water?" * DRY ICE - Humpty writes, "Pop a wee lump of dry ice in your (tough) bottle, screw the cap on and wait for the dry ice to sublime. As the dry ice becomes gaseous CO2, the built-up pressure will carbonate the water. Think of it as an inherently dangerous SodaStream. Disadvantages: 1. Using too much dry ice or a weak bottle will usually result in a powerful and explosive decompression of the bottle. 2. Carrying lumps of dry ice around is just silly and it'll burn your winkie if you try to keep it in your pocket. * IDROLITINA. According to Zwack, "The Italians have this stuff called Idrolitina, a white powder that comes in paper sachets in a charmingly antiquated box. It claims to make tap water taste like expensive bottled water but it actually makes it taste pretty metallic and unappealing. It definitely makes it fizzy though." * SODASTREAM. About 25 of you wrote in to mention this dreadful and, frankly, common device from the 1970s. Pah. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Tart Cards Challenge Last week we wanted you to advertise celebrity prostitutes. Your favourites included: * B3TA - guaranteed to go down just when you least expect it. (strontium190 - who's clearly a cunt for giving Rob a Birmingham phone number) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8437818 * ANNE FRANK - running a business while hiding from the Nazis (Leningrad) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8436775 * HELEN KELLER - offered a service that was nothing if not discreet (Mighty Nibus) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8437526 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/famoustartcards/ >> New challenge: Cooking with B3ta << Think you're good in the kitchen? THEN PROVE IT! Bake us up something tasty and post the results. Extra points for entries involving cakes, food dye, orange chocolate etc. Challenge suggested by We are the lime. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cooking/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * COCK-TOUCHING GAME II - Steven Morrissey confides, "Put your fingers down your pants and touch your balls, cock, vaginal lip or clit. Shove your fingers in the face of the person to the left. See if they can tell which it was just by sniffing. If you fail take a drink. Sometimes we play dirty by buying prawn cocktail or cheese and onion crisps." Students! * AWFUL FOOD CHALLENGE - "In response to your sweets in a Breville article," confesses Ash. "Similarly awful results can be had by putting various savoury foodstuffs into a chocolate fountain." * GOOGLE ADS gone mental. Olembe points out this gem that Google stuck at the end of last week's newsletter on the site. Wonder how many clickthroughs that managed. http://drianwalker.com/b3ta_ad_wtf.png * ALL-MEAT DIET - iwantbilly claims, "My mate tried the all-meat diet after another guy turned veggie. He spent at least 5 hours at Tesco checking labels for 'Not suitable for vegetarians'. Turned out after a few meals of steak with steak and chicken wrapped in bacon, with sausage for pudding, he puked nothing but brown chunks that smelt of rotting foetuses." No info on what happened to the vegetarian bloke. Probably similar. Daveywakelin tells a different tale; "During my exams recently at Uni I took the decision that I couldn't be arsed to cook vegetables. They are inferior to meat after all. After a month of eating purely bacon/turkey steaks/steak/chicken/pork for every meal, I can honestly say my bowels are mush. Although it was very satisfying and my exams marks have been good!" Yay! * FAKE PICTURE ON B3TA - Shockingly, the amusing cover of Parents magazine we featured last week was in fact a big fat fake. Thanks to the literally many, many people who wrote in to hoot and jeer at our foolishness. It's a shame we can't name you all but, as someone pointed out, there'd be no room in the newsletter for 'owt else. http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/parents.asp ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Doodle Defender Arcade classic with a twist - you get to design what the ships look like. Yes, ours was a shoot-out between crudely-drawn cocks. You perhaps were expecting us to say that. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Doodle_defender ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Here's some ideas we've had recently that are quite good but we can't be arsed to actually do. * AVERAGE FILM-LENGTH GRAPH - take the top 100 movies from each year on IMDB and plot some science to see if films have got shorter. * TOP TEN BOOKS BY MODELS - Sophie Dahl, Naomi Campbell and Katie Price. What do these women have in common? As well as exciting Mr Spitty, they've all contributed to culture by producing works of literary fiction. There must be a list in this, but we ran out of ideas to fill in the other seven. * HACE INVADERS - a version of Space Invaders starring badly cut-out gifs of Hale and Pace. Possibly with their 'comedy' record, Do the Stonk as a backing track. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by alex, sir loafalot, TommyShanks, pter, supermarioduvet, Foo_Kinnell. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols from The Great Architect. B3ta: Site of the Year 2003, Web User Magazine (New Zealand edition) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: "My dear mother always said that you shouldn't go food shopping on an empty stomach. And do you know, she was right. So, herewith my top tip - before going on that Internet dating site, have a wank." (purplegod) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I don't know what's happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare - you don't know whether to carry sweets or money. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive