we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "B3TA: NO LONGER ON FUCKING FIRE." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * COOKING - Sweets in the Breville * LEGO - Amy Winehouse is bricking it * EVIL PENCILS - Everyone loves evil pencils ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Tattoo your ad message on our internet face. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Haribo, Lego and Jedi nerds >> Internet fatty toasted sandwich << Your Ginger Fuhrer has been playing with a Breville and a load of sweets, in an attempt to imagine what a true internet fatty would concoct when feeling peckish. This is full of win. http://www2.b3ta.com/internetfattytoastedsandwich/ >> Amy Winehouse in Lego << Last week we asked you to beat our version of Star Trek's Sulu and make your own favourite celebs from Danish plastic bricks. Viridian stepped up to the might challenge with a fantastic and almost arty Amy Winehouse. Looks just like her, but with better skin. http://www.merde-sans-frontieres.co.uk/Amy/ >> Star Wars jugglers << "I've made something that you might like," proffers Thomas Scott like an internet Fagin, "it's called "The Coruscant Juggling Club", and it's got some Jedi jugglers in it." He also asked us to make some jokes about balls but we're far too sophisticated for that. (BTW: Our favourite new expression for semen is 'ballpaper paste'.) http://www.thomasscott.net/jugglers/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Public Transport Trauma Last week we asked for your public transport woes. Based on these, we don't ever want to share a bus with any of you: http://b3ta.com/questions/publictransport/ * OMG NATIONAL NEWS STORY IS A B3TARD, YEP THAT TRANSFORMERS AT AIRPORT THINGIE - "A couple of weeks ago I was forced to remove my transformers t-shirt at Heathrow Terminal 5 to get through airport security. Because the depicted robot was carrying a gun according to the security guy. I got on page 15 of "The Sun" on Monday. The BBC heard about it, and sent over a film crew - I even got a pint on the BBC. Which tasted even better coming from my license fee. It even got as far that my Mum in Brisbane. The worst experience is to come as I expect I've been put on a 'black list' for extra special treatment next time I go through an airport for showing what fools BAA are. The most amusing thing about the whole thing is reading comments on blogs/news sites around the world. They range from those giving grief to a 30 year old wearing a transformers t-shirt, to those arguing that it isn't Megatron, it's Optimus Prime." (Kaer) http://www.youtube.com/watch * FREE HAIR GEL - "Manchester, Saturday night. The last available double seat downstairs was right in front of a pack of chavvy looking guys of about 15. They didn't look too bad though and the one directly behind me was unmistakably learning disabled so I thought they were probably quite nice to be out with him really. I have pretty nice hair. It's long, it's silky, it's been described as 'glistening in the sun like freshly spun gold' when just washed. People comment on it a fair amount and a lot of my friends like to randomly stroke it, so I wasn't all that surprised when I felt someone behind me playing with it. When I turned round to ask the kid to stop... well, you can't hide a raging boner in a pair of nylon trackies. Somewhat freaked out, I said nothing and turned back around. I didn't really want to draw any attention to the poor guy, but when I heard the lads he was with start laughing, I realised they must have noticed. I felt a bit sorry for him when I got off the bus to meet my friend for swimming. She told me I looked a bit weird, so I explained what had happened as we went inside. It was only when passed her in the changing rooms that she let out a shriek. You guessed it. Retarded Scally Boy had had a lovely bus wank and jizzed in my hair." (Completely Underwhelmed) * SO, SO SORRY - "I would like to apologise to the cleaners of the toilets on First Capital Connect trains. I was mid-poo and needed to be sick and I wasn't sure what to do. I now realise that deliberating with my arse facing the door and my mouth the wall wasn't the best thing to do when the spasm hit. To spray so completely two sides of a toilet and the floor, although impressive, must have ruined your morning. You will be rewarded in the afterlife and I will be reincarnated as a toilet duck." (sepang - who is not welcome in B3ta HQ any time soon) >> This Week's Question << How far have you had to go before someone will finally get the message and accept that they are dumped? Tell us all about it here: http://b3ta.com/questions/pleasereleaseme/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Sexist lols << Men all over the world are being currently dragged to see the Sex And The City movie, to keep their wives and girlfriends happy. They may pretend to like it, but these two links represent what they really think. (Unless they are gay. Or like wearing dresses.) http://www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/ http://thechickensarescratching.ytmnd.com/ >> 2girls1cup Cake << We recently made a Thomas the Tank Engine cake for a child's birthday, simply by taking a picture off the internet and giving it to our local cake shop. These people did the same, and we hope the party went with a swing. BTW: Just looked into printing our own cakes, you can get special non-lethal ink for printer for about £120 and make about 150 cakes. http://flickr.com/photos/pinguino/2543609793/ >> Crap Album Covers << We shouldn't slag off MS Paint, it's like kicking a wounded puppy, but the Fisher-Price version of photoshop you get with Windows really is shit. Nonetheless we love this series of classic album covers, all lovingly rendered with - yes, you guessed it, MS Paint. Their spack-handed quality gives them a remedial charm. http://snipurl.com/mspaintisbent [flickr_com] >> Joke with a five year punchline << We marvel at someone who can be arsed to bury a laminated letter at the bottom of a pond in the hope that they can go HA! at some unspecified time in the future. http://snipurl.com/pondlols [www_thatcanadiangirl_co_uk] >> Nasty prison knives << Shivs are improvised weapons made by lags for stabbing the screws. We enjoyed this rather nasty little collection, although if we were in chokey, we'd blind people with our thumbs. http://www.designobserver.com/archives/shiv1.html ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINKYWOOS Admit it, you've always wondered how the powers that be create accurate maps. Do they send artistic monkeys into space? Do they attach colossal cameras to zeppelins? Is someone making plaster casts of the world while we sleep? Well, now you need wonder no more... http://tinyurl.com/5qjzck ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Now showing on Easyjet... >> Wazzock of the week << Only a complete pillock would decide to slide down a ladder in his mum's laundry basket, especially if the laundry basket is haphazardly propped up against a tree. The result is predictable but who ever said predictable isn't funny. http://www.b3ta.com/links/193028 >> MMORPG LOLS << Multiplayer games: most people play by the rules, spoilsports hide behind a wall and snipe their opponents, but it takes a special type of cunt to sit on a horse and systematically kick anyone who passes him into a deep ravine. Bonus points for the music. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Can I smell yo dick? << Beyond parody and possibly one of the chavviest tracks we've ever heard. Jeremy Kyle should abandon his rubbish lie detector tests and go for the penis-scented jugular - "can I smell your dick?" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Riskay_Smell_Yo_Dick >> Jacko is the Child Catcher << Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is made even more noncetastic by the addition of Michael Jackson's Earth Song. BTW: Sadly cuts out before Guy Pratt's brilliant bass work on the final chorus. (Um. We've been reading his autobiog, and it's highly recommended to all music nerds.) http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Child_Catcher >> Creepy pencil << Donnie Darko so much to answer for. Art students can't even do course work these days without turning it into a vortex sucking pan dimensional paedo fest. Top marks. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Creepy_Pencil >>Charlie the Unicorn is back << A year ago we featured the very loveable Charlie the Unicorn. Now he's back with two supremely irritating Cartman voiced companions who remove an amulet from his back while he's trying to watch the telly. Adult Swim we hope you're reading as this is genius. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Charlie_The_Unicorn_2:2 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Now featuring Penis User Whoever designed the cover of this issue of Parents Magazine might regret the placing of mummy's head. The sticker doesn't help either. Old, and all over the internet, but then so are we. http://growabrain.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA ON FIRE Burn baby, burn Many of you will have noticed that our site was down for much of the previous week, thanks to a fire at our service provider. It was a right painus in the anus, we can tell you. However, we got some lovely messages of encouragement like this from Sheep: "Really glad B3ta's up and running again. Slightly soppy thanks to you (and your support people) for still doing b3ta after all these years. I only realised how much I enjoy and appreciate the site when it was gone, and it was definitely sad to have B3ta down even for a few days." BTW: Make sure you check out Sheep's site, he's been brightening up our boards with his self-starring loops since time began. http://sheepfilms.co.uk/anims/animindex.htm ------------------------------------------------- : MESSAGE TO VICKY DARKNESS Girlfriend, give your boy mo love! Mike W pleads, "I write to you with what I assume is an unusual personal request. My wonderful girlfriend Vicky Darkness is a fan of this website and all the random/pointless crap it contains. And to put it bluntly, the fact she's always on this website, it's destroying our relationship. She has actually told me that she prefers to have a computer than me, which makes me feel just spiffing. So instead of my trying and failing to get through to her myself I figured I'd ask if you could possibly put an eye-catching feature in your next newsletter to give her a message... maybe saying something about B3ta always being there but Mike (Me) won't be." So there you go. Phil Collins dumped his missus by fax, and Mike W is issuing an ultimatum by the magic of B3ta. There will be wobbling. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Ronseal Plots Challenge Last week we wanted you to do exactly what it says on the tin. Your favourites included: * BINTS - Sex In The City (prodigy69) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8415032 * MIDGETS - Lord of the Rings (Damocles) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8414146 * CHRIST - The Bible (M3Essential) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8414194 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ronsealplots/ >> Famous Tart Cards << Take a celeb, and fire up Photoshop to show us how they would advertise their wares in a seedy telephone box ad. Challenge suggested by The Great Architect. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/famoustartcards/ BTW: As Fraser was busy helping the police with their enquiries last week, we didn't run the results form the photoshop money challenge. Winners were Spunky McPunk, WiL and tapeworm - them and all the rest can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/photoshoppedmoney/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CYRIAK RIP OFF - Our very own photomashing B3tard is feeling a bit peeved by a recent McDonalds ad. Compare and contrast. http://uk.youtube.com/watch http://www.cyriak.co.uk/gifs039.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DIY LION POO EXPERIMENT - Eat an entirely meat diet for a few weeks, then see if your shit repels cats from the garden? (Joel, this one is for you.) * ANSWER A B3TARD'S QUESTION! - omg_oakley asks, "Is there such thing as a pill or some other system to make ordinary tap water into fizzy water?" * COCK AND BALL QUIZ - Woking Girl coquettishly enquires, "Have you ever played cock or ball? It's where you show a bit of your cock or ball over your trousers and everyone else has to guess if its a bit of cock or ball.Good way to pass a bank holiday. I am a girl, by the way, I didn't take part." Nonsense, you loved it. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David 'Lucy Reese' Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Azra3l, Caewan and some others who we're deeply sorry we're forgetting to mention but Dave is on his hols and he's much better at remembering who to credit than Rob is. Top Tippery by Maudlin McCann. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via chenobble. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Just the right amount of Mr Muscle in your wife's tea allows you to satisfy your Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I for one much prefer the Austrian version of Big Brother. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive