we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "DANDRUFF: THE POOR MAN'S PARMESAN" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ANIM - Simon Cowell * TUNES - Shufflr * DANCE - Russian hip-hop ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Jonti Vs Owl and Simon Cowell << Poor Simon Cowell, not only is he one of the richest shits on the planet, his name rhymes with 'owl'. Something Joel Veitch once tackled with his lightweight but memorable, "Simon Cowell has got an owl and a trowel", and now Picking is bringing out the big guns with applying his animation and songy genius to a similar area. BTW: Music geeks - if you want to know how Jonti achieves his robot tone on his voice then google 'melodyne.' http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/owls >> Shufflr << Cr3 is still on his one man mission to destroy the music industry by helping everyone listen to everything for free. His latest trick is to catch what MP3s people are searching for and allow you to play them in real time. It's absolutely great. http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/site/shufflr/ >> London B3ta bash << On our lovely site, we have a calendar page for B3tards who want to go to the pub. We're quite alarmed that one such event has taken off to such a degree that over 80 people have signed to turn up. Earls Court, 31st of May. Be there if you want to get jiggy with the the "cream" of the internet. http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/12648 >> Snail art << "Slinkachu here, the guy that takes photos of little model people hidden around the streets of London (by the way, thanks for featuring me a couple of years back!). I saw your request for snail lighting... Well I haven't done that, but I HAVE been busy recently making snails into moving street art." Wow, although we do prefer putting salt on snail and watching them sizzle, we're blown away that you can actually be bothered to paint their little shells. http://www.innercitysnail.blogspot.com ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Books that changed your life Last week we wanted to know which books had had a lasting effect on you. To be honest, we weren't expecting the emotional depths that some of you plumbed - there's some excellent stuff here: http://b3ta.com/questions/books/ Here's three short ones we liked: * THE GOD OF SMALL THINGS - "Not least because it's beautiful, but last year I loaned my copy to my best friend. I'd been silently and deeply in love with this man for years but somehow managed to convince myself that the soulmatey connections between us were all platonic - it was the only thing to do as he was both in a relationship and close friends with my fiance. Anyway, I gave him my book and he read it, loved it, and gave it back to me. I re-read it straight afterwards as his falling in love with it so much had made me want to revisit. All was fine until I got to the passage 'if he touched her, he couldn't talk to her, if he loved her, he couldn't leave, if he spoke he couldn't listen, if he fought he couldn't win'. This was underlined. My heart stopped for what felt like a minute when I realised that he had done it; that he felt exactly the same way about me. So. It's almost a year later, life has been turned upside down, our ex-es loathe us both (and are well within their rights) but the facts are that I am now with the man of my dreams and, despite the hurt I've caused other people, I could not be happier. I truly believe I've found The One. If I hadn't have re-read the book, I would never have confessed how I felt. I'm never loaning my copy to anyone ever again. It's incredibly precious to me." (mookroolz) * HAYNES BOOK OF LIES - "The Haynes VW POLO 1982 Oct 1990 Manual: if it wasn't for this book I'd be stuck in the slowly shifting sands of the Mongolian desert. Instead, we simply slid this book under the footpump and used it as a flat surface for reinflating the tyre. It's feck all use for anything else, especially actual car repairs." (crackhouseceilidhband) * THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR - "is basically my bible. It taught me about butterflies, which are kick ass. It taught me about the days of the week. It taught me how to count. It taught me that gross weird looking bastards turn out to be amazingly pretty. But most importantly, it taught me that binge-eating is fucking awesome. Particularly combining salami and cherry pie. For this glorious education in hideous amounts of food and eating until you feel sick, I salute you, you hungry little caterpillar. (In other news, it's been 21 years and I've been eating as much as possible and I'm still not a butterfly. I'm beginning to think it was all a clever lie.)" (thants) >> This Week's Question << I QUIT! What have you flounced out of? Did it have the impact you intended? What made you quit in the first place? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/quitters/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> 42 awesome business cards << Business cards are normally a bit of a white elephant - useful only for bulking out your wallet and possibly thereby save your life by stopping a bullet. But this is an excellent collection of cards that you'd be pleased to get, from little construction models to tiny gardens for you to tend. http://snipurl.com/what-a-card [reencoded_com] >> Celeb tags << Type in the first word you think of when looking at an image of a celebrity, then see what other people have though too, scaled according to how commonly it's been submitted. The internet's judgement is amusingly harsh - we recommend Madonna's. The site would be improved with adding a few more celebrities though - we craved more. http://celebtags.com >> Weird trick pictures << Deliberately eschewing the use of photoshop, these shots are achieved with just mirrors, wires and a certain amount of physical courage. Next time, we'd like to see him recreate Photoshop's Liquify tool in real life... http://www.liweiart.com/ART/liwei/PHOTO.htm/PHOTO0... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO The Beadle rejects you love >> Internet party - intervention << Another in the excellent series of sketched based on websites being represented by real people. Myspace's friends have something important to tell him http://snipurl.com/wheres-b3ta-you-gits [www_cracked_com] >> Russian Hip-hop << Combining two of our favourite things... well okay, one of our favourite things - old-style Russian dancing. Here it's synced surprisingly well to Jason Nevins's 'It's Like That'. Genuinely. The damn thing is practically identical. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Russian_Hip_Hop >> Flying RC cock << Poor Garry Kasparov; trying to make a speech and then having his thunder stolen by an attacking airborne penis. Fortunately, his bodyguards are on hand to beat it off. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Attack of the psycho goose << Relentless assault on a tiny boat by a maddened goose. It really is a bit like Jaws filmed on a handy-cam. Except it's rather more embarrassing to be mauled to death by waterfowl. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Psycho_Goose >> TV pundit forced to admit he's wrong << Unusual venture into politilols but very refreshing to see right-wing political commentator Kevin James actually pressured on-air into admitting that he didn't actually know what he was talking about. http://thinkprogress.org/2008/05/15/kevin-james-ap... >> 10 optical illusions in 2 minutes << Possibly nothing you haven't seen before but it's nice to have it all in one place at one time - quite convenient. Some sort of promo for Samsung, if you prefer to stick it to the man by not watching his goddamn web viral ads. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Selling lols to Roflcastle * HONEST ESTATE AGENT - "Was recently in Caen, Normandy and found an estate agent with a refreshing degree of truthfulness in their name. At least you know how you are going to be treated." (Gary MacKay) http://www.b3tards.com/u/119d84f9b7db1ccf267c/caen... * B3TA'S FAVOURITE SCHOOL - If the mini-fuhrer wasn't down for Eton we'd be sending him here. (fridalongstockin) http://www.hughsexey.somerset.sch.uk/visitors/ * BEST SHOP SIGN EVER - "I took this photo a while ago", boasts Rohan Chadwick, "It's a handbag shop in Cardiff." http://snipurl.com/divorce-lols [picasaweb_google_com] ------------------------------------------------- : TINGS DAT MAK U GO RRRRRrrr Kitten in the snow ... either that or it needs some Head & Shoulders. http://snipurl.com/kitteny-berk [photo_accuweather_com] ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Mutants Challenge Last week we wanted you to turn celebrities into mutants, like. Your favourites included: * ROB - Your Ginger Fuhrer at his very best: with a luscious, heaving pair of tits (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8370371 * SARAH JESSICA PARKER - the Sex in the City star gets a much-needed mutant makeover (nastybadger) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8373891 * POLITICIANS - New Labour? New Danger. Real Danger. (Smallbrainfield) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8375622 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_mutants/ >> New challenge: Money << Money! It's a gas. You can't photoshop it though - OR CAN YOU? This week - by fair means or foul - we'd like you to do your amusing doodahs with cold hard currency. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/photoshoppedmoney/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GRUDGEBOOK - My Future Self writes, "B3ta newsletter 328 calls for a Grudgebook, so I have made one. This groundbreaking app lets you share your grudges. Since I loathe Web 2.0 design, I didn’t go with the gradient buttons and star badges. I did however give the ascii banner a bit of Web 0.0 gradient." http://www.infinitypoint0.com/grudgebook/index.php A DOCTOR SPEAKS - "I'm a doctor, and I'd like to say that sticking a high pressure air pump up your bum in order to make big farts is officially dangerous. But not as dangerous as putting quick-drying concrete and a ping-pong ball up your arse. Having said that, if you are lucky enough to have a colonoscopy the gastroenterologists inflate your colon with air, which a) Fucking hurts and b) Makes you fart a lot on the bus home. I'd like to challenge all b3tans who get to have the pleasure of a camera stuck up their arse to see if they can fart the national anthem afterwards without following through." All that from the appropriately named 'The hairy aerosol' ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Spot the difference Readers of rubbish celebrity mags will be familiar with seeing two pics side by side with minor differences - a third nipple on Kelly Brook or a cock on Jordan. This works on the same principle, but has a curiously mellow vibe. http://www.crazymonkeygames.com/6-Differences.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * REVERSE SPACE INVADERS - hack an old flash game so that you can play the invaders. Click them to drop bombs on the hapless human defender. You might take a bit of weighting to make this fair - say you can only drop one bomb at a time or something. We'd certainly like to play anyway. * COIN STACKING - how high can you stack 2ps until they fall over? Could be quite a sport this. (Um, we sometimes write this section looking around the room for arbitrary inspiration, and yes, we've just seen a large jar of 2ps.) * THE GREAT CLOSED EYE EXPERIMENT - how long can you close your eyes for whilst staying awake. We managed 20 seconds before getting bored and thinking, "fuck! must finish the fucking newsletter!" Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Juvey, johninnit, sparrk, matt smith, Zigmund, Creeper and claptonista Top Tippery by mistaspakkaman Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. (We're enjoying your 'go vegetarian for a week' blog thingy too: http://www.blogjam.com/ ) Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. SUBJLOLS: Caustic Armadillo. MASTHEAD: Joliet. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Annoy sarcastic people by pretending to take everything they say at face value. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Have you noticed the way that burns victims stick together? http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive